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Dating

Edward Gillenardo

Edward Gillenardo

New Member
Okay. Here's my situation. I have such a hard time with dating and relationships. I'm always feeling like, "what if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing?" it drives me nuts. I have such anxiety about this and I need help. I think my autism may be the cause of my problems. And also, I don't know when I should say and do certain things that you do when a man is interested in a woman. When should I ask her out? Or when do I say that she's beautiful? What do I say when I'm first talking to her? I could really use some advice.
 
I'm probably the last person who should give advice on this. Just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone, I might have written what you did. Apparently there are signals that NT's pick up on which are invisible to me. Women seem to 'receive' signals from me which I don't intend to send. There is so much hinting and non-verbal signalling involved and I am totally lost. Will watch this thread with interest.
 
I appreciate your reply. I just wish I had more know-how on this bc Im clueless. It used to be that I could easily get into a relationship, but now it has become so difficult. I've tried dating services. That doesn't seem to work. And Im nearly frozen in social situations especially when talking to a young woman. I just don't know what to do.
 
Bearing in mind I have never dated let alone asked a girl out, but if it was me I was just be my honest self and say, "Hi, I'm really not good at this and I'm not too sure what to say but I think you look amazing and I was wondering if there is a chance I might be able to get your number?".

I think honesty says the best about what you are as a person. They aren't looking for some amazing pick up line, they just want a down to earth person to put themselves out there for you.

And if they say no, just say that's fine. You don't know until you ask and that you'd kick yourself if you didn't take the opportunity whilst it was there.

With that all being said, if you know the person is constantly getting asked out for a date and you see it it's a good sign that they're out of bounds.
 
I've said it before on here too, YouTube how to start and stay in a conversation; how to keep it going. There are a few things you can do if you know the situation you're going to be in.
 
Dating is just weird. What worked for my boyfriend was discussing Louisiana meat pies with me while on a group hike. That at least got things off to a good start. I wouldn't recommend going up to women and talking meat pies (unless you actually do enjoy frying up meat-pies), though. But it is a good example of someone just being honest and being themselves. And of course if you can get to know them a bit before asking them out. Women in general really don't respond well to total strangers asking them out on the sidewalk or where ever.
 
Hi....
I'm an NT in a relationship with an aspire..
When we started chatting it was about chocolate.... he 'stole' some of mine... and we just started chatting.... about nothing really... just nonsense... but it was the connection and his sense of nonsense that appealed to me....
That was nearly a year ago...
 
I will say that it is never wrong to let a woman know how lovely she is. The 'magic' is in the approach- start succinctly and then 'gradually turn it up'. Maybe start with something about how your day brightens when you see her pass by. Everyone likes to feel good about themselves.
 
The advice you read here in this thread, keep in mind that these are probably ideas for outside of the work environment - don't do this at your place of employment and don't do this at her place of employment.
 
Maybe don't start with you look amazing can I have your number. I despise guys saying this so bluntly to me, makes it seem like they're just after a one night stand. Perhaps offer to buy her a meal or some coffee then if she seems interested then you can exchange numbers so you can follow up. Refrain from saying she looks; hot, sexy, amazing, or anything like this as an opener, it normally comes off creepy. Just say something more along the line of she caught your eye or ask if she likes x restaurant or coffee or something basic if she's available and interested then state you'd like to buy her a meal or drink. Maybe you could get lucky and go to coffee right then. :3
 
i don't date girls, but guys... [and i am not an expert, at all] i very much agree: honesty is best. not many people are honest... however, one has to put honesty into the nice words; in such a way that they sound very nice but honest - we want to be trusted. now, if i were to be the girl to whom you have taken a liking to, i think i want to hear something that makes me special - more special than other women my age; for i want to be superior to other women who i perceive as competitors [always]. i do not want to hear that i have nice face, but i want to hear that the very special and unique detail that my face has to offer [only, if there is anything special about it! otherwise i will think you are making this up] something true [!!] that makes me stand out from the crowd in a way, that you think [truthfully] is strikingly beautiful ; in such a way that you couldn't help but commenting on it. that you say. so... if i turn of my over-imaginative imagination-machine [maybe i'm making an idiot of myself now ^^ but is seemed a lof of fun to give it try] i'd say you'd say this [online-dating] : "hey! what's up. you know you're beautiful, right? just saying... truth is, i came across your profile a few minutes ago. at first, i wasn't sure if i should send you text - no chance, i said to myself - you know, she's probably already dating someone. i mean look at her, she gorgeous. still, i couldn't help it. i decided i had to text you, not matter what, since i just felt like i wanted to tell you that you have a really beautiful face. it really has some very unique detail to it, but i'm sure you hear that every day. (she: blabla....) no? not really? oh come on, i mean i'm serious. look, i'm photographer - so naturally i see a lot of faces, so i should know , shouldn't i. listen, i`m really not making this up - i mean, why would i. in fact, you don't see features likes yours very often. as - for example - the rare and elegant shape of your slighlty outlined cheekbones. it's yet completly natural, don't get me wrong, but they appear artistic and balanced in the total of the composition. that's anything but an average face, you know. oh.. hey, i totally forgot to introduce myself (sorry! got carried away... details mean a lot to me. hope you didn't mind, though!).. i'm (...) what`s your name btw?"

you may now make fun of me =)
 
I would suggest starting with friendship skills. Never approach a woman with the intention of dating her. Approach everyone you meet, men and women, with the intention of becoming a friend. I know friendships are usually hard for Aspies, but friendship is a crucial part of any romantic relationship. As you go about making friends, eventually one of those friendships will develop into something more.

Kay mentioned meeting her boyfriend during a group activity. Finding a groups of people who share your hobbies is a great way of making friends. If you consistently hang out with the same people, you will slowly learn how to interact with them. It will be awkward at times and may take longer than you like, but eventually you will develop the skills necessary to have a romantic relationship.

One thing that can be really helpful is having an NT friend who is willing to be brutally honest with you. It might take awhile to find such a person, but someone who is willing to coach you on how to get along in social situations is invaluable. I got lucky and married an understanding NT who helped me get diagnosed a couple years ago.

Best of luck in your endeavors. Dating really isn't designed with Aspies in mind.
 
There's nothing wrong with trying to 'pick up' a stranger you might not otherwise get a chance to get to know, it just needs to be done tactfully. You never know, and if they turn you down or it becomes awkward well you probably won't be running into them again much. Trying to date someone in the same group you're in or your workplace can always make going back to the group icky for you if it doesn't work out for whatever reason. I've gone on dates with guys that just came up to me in a restaurant or other place when I was there with my girlfriend and just chatted me up. :3 so I totally wouldnt knock either opportunity.

My son's father I worked with but that ended up causing utter chaos for both of us for many years on the job and probably was part of the reason we both eventually got fired. If I wasn't in a seemingly permanent relationship I would still never, ever date someone from work again. We didn't pda either just people didn't like that people in the same place were together, I guess why so many jobs make strict no dating policies in the company... I tried to work at another place he had worked at, he helped me get hired, and it became another nightmare, whenever someone had some issues with me they'd always go b*tch at him, all of this was before I knew I was asd. We both eventually got fired again...
 
Questella said:
Maybe don't start with you look amazing can I have your number. I despise guys saying this so bluntly to me, makes it seem like they're just after a one night stand. Perhaps offer to buy her a meal or some coffee then if she seems interested then you can exchange numbers so you can follow up. Refrain from saying she looks; hot, sexy, amazing, or anything like this as an opener, it normally comes off creepy. Just say something more along the line of she caught your eye or ask if she likes x restaurant or coffee or something basic if she's available and interested then state you'd like to buy her a meal or drink. Maybe you could get lucky and go to coffee right then. :3
Click to expand...

So far, I'd say this is the best advice here.

I never say to someone I just met, "you look amazing/beautiful/hot" etc. Never comment on body parts. Ever.
Better: "I really like you dress, it looks so cute on you."
Or, one of my fav's, "I really like your glasses, those are so cool..."

Most of us are terrible at small talk, myself included, but tasteful compliments like this are good conversation starters.

I hate most dating advice, but there's a fair amount of truth in what these two guys say in this video. Take it with a grain of salt, but honesty is a theme here, and there is good advice...

5 Weird Ways Girls Test a Guy | BuzzJust
 
I agree with Tim. NO COMMENTING ON BODY PARTS!

Also remember that often times rejection is a matter or circumstance. I would say that more often than not girls reject guys because they are in a committed relationship. So don't ever take a rejection personally.
 
Also, be aware that if a woman does respond favorably to direct comment on their level of attractiveness, or something else that's inappropriate, that could be trouble. It's certainly a red flag in my book.
For example, years ago I was at a dive bar with roommates. We were drinking for a couple hours before we decided to go. This whole time I was only talking to my friends, but as we were getting up from our barstools, I turned toward this girl that was sitting next to me (I didn't know her, no eye contact, no acknowledgement at all until this particular moment), and said to her, and this is a direct quote, "so, are you coming with, or what?"

Well, to my surprise, she said, "let me check with my friends," and was ready to come home with me in less than a minute. And did so.

What I said was not appropriate, but she responded favorably.
It was a one night stand (or so I thought), but she somehow got my pager number (this was a long time ago, lol) and proceeded to page me with 911 pages for the next 9 months. It was a bit of a nightmare.
Careful out there!
 
...All of these 'what you should say to someone you're trying to flirt with' suggestions make me realize how many times people have come up to flirt with me and I've been utterly oblivious.

Obviously, don't take any flirting advice from me, even if I had any to give. ;)

But I feel your pain. I've missed opportunities that I never even knew I had by not acting... particularly in trying to get to know someone. I always do better with 'friends first' personally, because then it seems easier to confess my feelings and not make it awkward. Plus the only things really attractive to me are similar interests anyhow.

Most of the people I've fallen for... I honestly don't even know what they look like. Or didn't before I started to develop feelings, anyhow. I just knew that we got along great and most of them I've met on the MMOs that I play... so obviously similar interests. Some of my best relationships were online ones.
 
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