Common interests with partner?

[csanon]

I'm a male looking for a girlfriend right now. I mainly meet women online since I don't live in an urban area. I work in the science/medical field and my main hobbies are active ones like rock climbing, cycling, running, and hiking.

What I've noticed is that with women I seemingly have much in common with online, once we meet in person the date is often awkward and I often pick up on bad social skills on their part (yes, I just wrote that).

On the other hand, I've also branched out and have tried dating women with much different interests than me- like theatre, music, and the arts. However, when they talk about their interests my mind automatically wanders off and I'm just plain bored.

My question is that for those of you in happy successful relationship (for the purpose of this thread defined as 3+ months), how much do you actually have in common with your partner? Do you overlap in your obsessions, or can you become engaged in their interests?

 

[King_Oni]

In my current relationship (just over a year now), there's a lot of interests we share. I think about 50 to 60 percent of the things I prefer are on my girlfriends list of interests as well. There's another 40+ percent that's hers and 40+ percent that's mine. And I think there's a gradient going from white to black. White being interest of your stuff alone, black being common ground. The grey part in between can be seen as minor things about her interests. Maybe it's that I don't even mind those interests... they might be fun, just not for me (for a variety of reasons).

Example; my girlfriend collects Ball-jointed dolls. I don't mind those. I won't ever buy one of these dolls since it doesn't do enough for me, yet I will look through the photographs she made of them, as well as visit a store that sells those. I play tabletop miniature games, my girlfriend will never buy anything for herself, but she does like to see my figures (and doesn't mind going to a store that sells those).

I believe that's the grey area that overlaps. It's not just those 2 things, but that's among the things that are in the grey.

Then there's a part that's really white. She's into LARP-ing (Live Action Role Playing)... that is not my cup of tea. She knows it isn't so she wont bother me with that anytime.

But all in all I think that a lot of our shared interests is something that can be put on a pile of "nerdish geekery". That's how we have common ground. The way how we enjoy said interests might vary, but we at least have a common subject.

Looking at my past, it was exactly like this. All long term relationships I had I had a lot of common ground. The way I indulged on those activities varied though. It always feels like there's this 5% slot I have reserved for stuff I like, but it might depend on how the other one likes it if we end up talking or doing that. In the past I've dated someone who studied Art history hence we went to a lot more museums (both by her as well as my initiative) then I do now. I like art... it's just not a strong interest of me. Learning of of someone for a slightly common interest worked for me as well. And as much as I like videogames there's certain types of games I couldn't get into. I wasn't too big on the entire classic 8-bit nintendo thing until I met some girl, that actually sparked that interest in me and now I still enjoy it.

If anything, looking at your hobbies. I don't really think you should look for someone who's not into those outdoor activities. If I were into rock climbing I'd at least would like her to join me every once in a while if possible. I like sharing those things, but maybe that's just me. If there's no common ground cause you don't like anything but your outdoor activities, I wouldn't even bother with anything else... especially if you tried time after time. It just isn't for you if people aren't into those things. I find it tiresome and hard to keep up interest just for the heck of it. In the long run you'll get arguments over it. "Why do you need to go out so much?" would be one of the prime examples.

 

[csanon]

Thanks so much for your reply and help. This really helps me understand my dating issues and why I've been thinking and feeling the way that I have been over the lat several months. Sounds like I need to focus on women who enjoy outdoor activities, with mainly just a few side interests that we don't have in common at all.

 

[Ylva]

I have to say, I envy you the size of your pool of potential partners. If you want variety, apparently you can get it.

All I can say about the criteria issue is that if you have something in common you will find each other more interesting, whereas if you have separate interests you won't need an excuse to spend some time alone.

 

[King_Oni]

Thanks so much for your reply and help. This really helps me understand my dating issues and why I've been thinking and feeling the way that I have been over the lat several months. Sounds like I need to focus on women who enjoy outdoor activities, with mainly just a few side interests that we don't have in common at all.

Heh... glad to be of any help, just don't use my advice as the be all end all it's just based on my perception and experience.

I'd like to add, that the side interests you don't have in common might probably be that alone time most people actually do prefer. Clearly not everyone is like that but I think a lot are, and aspies in general are even more bent on alone time. Having someone on your case 24/7 might be overwhelming.

 

[csanon]

Thanks for the compliment. Yes, well I know I won't find someone with exactly the same interests so that doesn't bother me. The advice I got here though makes perfect sense and reconciles my dissatisfaction with my dating life thus far.

In addition, I think having totally different side interests, but not a core interest, is key. I recently dated a woman who is was into folk music and repeatedly asked me to go to contra-line dancing with her, which involves dancing with dozens of different partners in a loud hall- the equivalent of hell on earth for someone with AS.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

King Oni put it well.

Me and my husband have very similar interests but we also don't have an exclusive list that is identical. I love to do home crafts, he's content to bankroll it, he loves sports (mainly a game called AFL that no one outside of australia has probably heard of), I'm content to sit on the couch and poke fun of it until he gets annoyed at me. He has this forum for it that he goes on all the time and I help him out with ideas for gifs and stuff. I have no interest in the game but just sitting with him on the couch pretending I care is enough for him.

I guess at the end of the day pretending you care about your partners interests is probably enough. So learn to fake it until you can make it so to speak lol.