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boyfriend meltdowns and leaves

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Patience

Active Member
Hello- thanks for taking a moment to read this and respond.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years has had a couple of meltdown/rages in the past few months. He's not diagnosed but he really has most of the characteristics described. His sister told me she has suspected he is aspergers for most of her and his life- over 50 years. She says he is inpenetrable to her and always has been with huge walls up. At times in his past he has been seriously suicidal according to her. 98% of the time he is the most loving, gentle, kind, intelligent, amazing man I've ever known. I'm deeply in love with him.

Twice he blew up over general relationship mild disagreements, and once over his perception that I would make him late for something. I also saw him blow up at his sister on the phone and he destroyed my phone, screaming.

When he goes into the meltdown/rage there is no warning, it just explodes. He will either get really quiet and start packing up all his belongings and start leaving our house, or he just starts screaming. I have seen him jump up and down on his glasses, crushing his jacket buttons. I have seen him smash my phone on the floor over and over, then go catatonic for several hours. I have seen him hit his head into the wall over and over and collapse sobbing.

He had a meltdown/rage about 5 weeks ago because he thought I was upset about something I wasn't really upset about. He packed all of his stuff and broke up with me. I tried to talk to him about what was going on and he started to rage. He left. The next day he said he just needed a break, needed some space to sort things out. A few weeks later he said he didn't know if he wanted to see me because he would want to get back together and return to the same problems. He said getting that upset was a huge red flag to him that he should be away from me.

Since then he has been basically unreachable and totally shut me out. I did see him at a social occassion recently and he introduced me as his girlfriend to everyone. I'm very confused. I sent him a letter saying I was very much in love with him and wanted to support him. That I thought our relationship was fantastic and we just needed to work on how we are communicating. I pointed out the causes of his meltdowns as he described to me, and showed him how it would have been a non-event if he didn't anticipate my feelings were negative towards him.

I have no idea what to do. I am depressed myself now, exhausted, crying all the time, and I can't seem to engage him.

Any advice would be great. I don't want to push him by trying to talk about it, but I don't want him to leave forever.
 
Has your boyfriend considered seeing a professional about the anger and suicidal ideations?

You might benefit from talking to someone, too. Before you can mend your relationship, you'll need to take care of yourself.
 
I have been in therapy the whole time. I had an abusive relationship before this and knew I would need support in having another relationship after that. His sister told me he she got him into therapy for a few months years ago when he was suicidal. Seemed to help. He hasn't gone since then though- 30 years or more. I did ask him if he would go see someone with me and he says "possibly." But that was weeks ago.
Thanks for your replies.
 
Welcome to AC, Patience. I agree with Ereth. It sounds like he desperately needs to talk about it if he goes into such rages so frequently. I don't have meltdowns like that though. I just shutdown....in which no one can reach me.

But then this has all been my own personal voyage of self discovery. I made the first move in attempting to learn more of my condition, although I'm still technically undiagnosed. Perhaps there's something rather benign that you could do to get the ball rolling without it backfiring on you.

Send him here. Let him talk to us....learn from us. But Ereth is still right about him needing the attention of a medical professional. In the meantime, small steps!

Patience, I have one question for you. If you didn't know he had some kind of condition, would you have still stayed with him? Just wondering....I never knew about my condition until recently. Lost all my relationships over the years...but it was always a mystery to me until now.
 
Thanks. I do think he needs some professional help. I just can't reach him though. Bringing it up doesn't get me anywhere, he just says he needs time away from me. But he's not working on anything- he hasn't even told his family or best friend about our "break" or "breakup" etc. He has just run away.
 
Thank you so much for your replies, I already feel less alone in dealing with this. I am the most patient, loving, kind, generous person in the world in a relationship and have the ability to be super committed and really work things out when I really love someone. I don't know how to get him to remember our loving relationship or address the problems.
 
Judge- I don't "officially" know that he has a condition. I've considered that it's depression, even mild schizophrenia, and I am sure he is OCD.
So I don't know if he has a condition or not. I've been staying with him all along because I just love the hell out of this guy. He has been an awesome boyfriend and I thought I had found "the one." Wouldn't leave him for all the world. But he is leaving me and abandoning me. I really don't understand why.
 
Patience said:
Judge- I don't "officially" know that he has a condition. I've considered that it's depression, even mild schizophrenia, and I am sure he is OCD.
So I don't know if he has a condition or not. I've been staying with him all along because I just love the hell out of this guy. He has been an awesome boyfriend and I thought I had found "the one." Wouldn't leave him for all the world. But he is leaving me and abandoning me. I really don't understand why.
Click to expand...

I have formally diagnosed chronic clinical depression, and OCD. Comorbid to undiagnosed but greatly suspected ASD.

I always needed *at times* a certain degree of solitude I never got. It made me nuts at times, and I would eventually terminate the relationship. We need a certain amount of space mentally and physically Neurotypicals may not be accustomed to or understand.

Had I understood myself better, I might have been able sustain important relationships. In my late 50s I feel it's likely too late for me now. That's nice though that he has someone like you. Odds are he'll never find another if he throws away this relationship much as I always did. Hope he can figure that much out.
 
Thanks Judge. It sounds like he has some similarities to you. He is admittedly OCD and has admitted prior depression to me.

He is in his mid 50's and I have been told this is the best relationship he's ever had. By him and his family. I'd be fine with giving him solitude, etc if I had known that's what he needed. Knowing yourself, do you think if I leave him alone for quite some time, he will come back around once satisfied with his alone time?
 
Patience said:
Knowing yourself, do you think if I leave him alone for quite some time, he will come back around once satisfied with his alone time?
Click to expand...

If it was me- yes. By all means. It's simply what I do and how I cope. But someone else....hard to say. It's just behavior that NTs don't seem to properly perceive. At least the ones I had relationships certainly didn't. Not that was it their fault though.

I have shutdowns, where I become lost to the world by design. But I don't have severe meltdowns...something very rare for me. I'm one of those Aspies who thrives on assessing patterns of things. Keep a close watch, give him an extraordinary wide berth over a number of times and see if it works every time. If so, you may be onto something. But wow...from what you said it still sounds like he very much needs professional oversight. At the very least he needs to achieve SOME degree of self-awareness. The first step of self-improvement IMO. He needs to understand who and what he is, and in his own best interest even more than yours.

One critical thing for any NT to understand about us. We aren't all cookie-cutter versions of each other. We can be profoundly similar, or equally profoundly different in terms of our traits and behaviors. Equally try to understand that a need for solitude is more about him and not you. Try not to take it personally. (In my case all my girlfriends took it very personally. But of course I had no explanations at the time.)
 
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Patience said:
He is in his mid 50's and I have been told this is the best relationship he's ever had. By him and his family. I'd be fine with giving him solitude, etc if I had known that's what he needed. Knowing yourself, do you think if I leave him alone for quite some time, he will come back around once satisfied with his alone time?
Click to expand...
I know this question isn't directed at me, but you know your boyfriend best. I'm not sure any of us can answer. However, he should definitely resume therapy to prevent future incidents of this kind from occurring. It's not good for him, it's not good for you, and it's not good for the two of you as a pair.
 
Any ideas on how best to manage him at this point? If it was me, I would want someone to show me they love me, support me, and are all in to work with me, not judge me. That's what I've been trying with him since it's my natural inclination and it hasn't made progress.
But I know I don't understand how an AS/OCD/depressive kind of brain works. Any help for me to understand how to best support him without having him distance himself right out of my life?
 
(Are you sure you don't have BPD? I do and your thoughts sound a lot like mine!)

However, relationships work when the people involved focus on their “bright side”. When they show their “dark side”, relationships suddenly freeze. I read a lot about relationships with AS men. The most important thing these women were trying to say is that unless your partner is fully aware of his AS, the relationship is impossible in the long run. This is because he is going to blame you (or himself and avoid you) for a distress that comes from AS and that he doesn’t understand. AS and BPD can be both a “curse” and a blessing. By being aware of their condition, both partners can choose the “bright side” of their “brain wiring”.

He still introduces you as “his girfriend”, maybe this means there’s still hope, but if you rush it now he might feel engulfed. I guess your point is “what can I say to him about AS that might make him curious/worried and interested in seeking professional advice?” I want to start a thread with the same question because I have a similar problem.

I’m afraid there’s no quick fix here. In order for your to feel relief, you must change your goal from “saving your relationship” to “building a new/real dialogue with him” regardless of what the relationship will become. If you spent 1 year and a half with him it means you’ve already managed to overcome many obstacles. Relationships might need a pause sometimes to get to the next level.
In the meantime I suggest you read all you can about AS and relationships. Fore example "Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work" by Katrin Bentley. The book paid a lot of company while I was feeling terribly lonely and opened my eyes about things I (still) ignored. The DSM is not the same thing.
 
Hello,

Like others i would also recommend that he seek professional help and perhaps that you both go to couples therapy to reduce those misunderstandings and outbursts on his end. At the same time however, you cannot force him. As much as you love him he has to want to get better and get help. Otherwise it is useless to drag him to therapy so to speak. At the same time you probably also need to think of yourself and not overstretch yourself or put up with too much of his meltdowns. If he is also borderline then it might only serve to reinforce it and might only occur more often. Whenever he does come out of his alone time, which as others said he needs, I would suggest laying out some ground rules and try to figure out what you can expect from him in the future so that you do not get hurt or feel that he is abandoning you. People with BPD can be quite unpredictable, jump to extremes, and have black and white thinking patterns, so it can be difficult to be in a relationship with them. You are indeed very good and patient with him but he should not take advantage of this in a negative way. You both need to work together so that it comes out in a positive way that helps him and ensures you are also happy and satisfied.

He had a meltdown for a reason and it is possible he just needs more alone time. So he might over-indulge in that and hide from you for some time. I tend to become more depressed and isolate myself after a melt down, but eventually kick myself in the but to get out of that state. He does still refer to you as his girlfriend and said that your relationship was the best he ever had so there is hope that he will come back. It just to be proactive when he does.
 
Patience said:
Does anyone have an opinion of whether or not avoidance/depression/hiding comes after a meltdown?
Click to expand...
I'm guessing your boyfriend does have some sort of reaction to his meltdowns, though like everything else related to autism, the reaction would not be one-size-fits-all. For example, when I have a meltdown, I usually retreat to my room and cry until I calm down. Your boyfriend may do something else.
 
Thanks for all of your advice. You're right, I am probably being too accomodating. At this point he has not returned yet, so I feel like if I push him over the phone or email that he won't come back at all. I'm guessing I should just wait until he comes back around and then broach the subject when I have a leg to stand on with him.
 
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