Autism after 40.

[HidinginPlainSight]

In ways. I'm 40 and people do matter to me. I've come to terms that I will never be able to interact on the NT level. However, there are some autistic people that I talk to and they are important to me.

Aside from people, I am more comfortable just doing the things I like to do without worrying. I certainly don't have to worry about what I'll become because I'm already it.

 

[Tom]

Things do change with age. I find it too much trouble now usually to put on the fully detailed prosthetic mask and costume. So I have taken to picking cheap lightweight disposable masks at yard sales and flea markets and just wearing a cape.

 

[Suzanne]

When I had not even heard of aspergers, I pushed myself, even when it ended me being in tears.

I am now sadly 49 and having been diagnosed this year, and in fact, when I first heard of aspergers and it has got to this point, I have given up pushing myself.

It has never been easy and continues to be not easy, despite my getting older.

 

[Toby77]

I'm going to say yes. It was hard when I was young. In my 20-40's it just went along with having to work at my job and being among people, and kids being in their activities and having to be around other parents from time to time( even though I didn't like it). Once my kids were out of the house I dropped way down on being social and late 50's to now I feel like I've regressed back to when I was young and just can't do it.

This is very similar to what I am describing. The minute I stopped practicing, I lost all that I had learned or it just became harder to grasp everything socially. And now that I am older, I do not feel like putting the effort into it.

 

[Toby77]

Things do change with age. I find it too much trouble now usually to put on the fully detailed prosthetic mask and costume. So I have taken to picking cheap lightweight disposable masks at yard sales and flea markets and just wearing a cape.

View attachment 55920

That is a great analogy!

 

[Toby77]

This I have to agree. I am getting the symptoms of burnout in the age of 42. My blending skills are much better than when I was younger but I also am often too far from my true self.

I blend well for maybe 10 minutes and then I have to walk away. I think now that I am older I notice my actions more accurately than in my adolescence, so this make me doubt myself more now. When I was younger I just thought I was really good at it because I was not able to real people as well then as to now. Or is that a description of burnout?

 

[Pats]

This is very similar to what I am describing. The minute I stopped practicing, I lost all that I had learned or it just became harder to grasp everything socially. And now that I am older, I do not feel like putting the effort into it.

I know, people (doctors especially) say the more you do something, the easier it is. I don't think that's the case with autism and socializing. It never gets easy, so when there's not a NEED to do it and it's hard, we don't do it. It feels like every time is like the first time, but for a while it had to be part of our routine. Didn't like it, but didn't really have a choice. Now it's not in the routine and necessary we might find ourselves questioning more whether we really have to - it feels harder because we actually can think about it first and our insides are yelling Nooooo!!!. But I will warn you, the less you do it, the harder it gets.
Maybe I AM agreeing with the 'more you do it the easier it gets' but that sounds like it can get to the point that it's easy and it doesn't. Our scale might be from 10 to 7 then back to 10, while others might be from 7 to 1 then 0.

 

[Juliettaa]

Did you go through a spell where it got worse for a while?

Yes, from my early 40's onwards which may have been due to hormone imbalance from being peri-menopausal.

Now I say 'no thank you' whenever I am asked to participate in something that I know will cause me anxiety/sensory overload/extreme fatigue/extra recovery time. The realisation that I can say no and that I can stop trying so hard was powerful

I just CBA to pretend/mask any more

 

[Pats]

You know, one year the coaches at cheerleading decided to make it mandatory that parents had to stay for all the games and practices. All the parents did not like me (they all thought I was a bad mother - long story in itself) and I didn't even like having to walk through the parents to drop my kids off or pick them up, so I would give the coaches my phone number and let them know I would be home. They never questioned me, but there was no way I was staying for all the practices.
My son (on the football team - same group) made a joke and would tell me that the coaches had a secret announcement to let them know when I was coming so they could hide. lol
They also didn't make me participate with my turn at the concession stand during the games. (They wanted my kids on the team but I think they preferred not dealing with me.)

 

[Pats]

Things do change with age. I find it too much trouble now usually to put on the fully detailed prosthetic mask and costume. So I have taken to picking cheap lightweight disposable masks at yard sales and flea markets and just wearing a cape.

View attachment 55920

My sister had that witch mask. I always got the handmedowns so I was a clown for years and was so happy when I finally grew into the witch. lol

 

[Tom]

My sister had that witch mask. I always got the handmedowns so I was a clown for years and was so happy when I finally grew into the witch. lol

Sounds like a life lesson in there somewhere.

 

[Canismajoris]

Or is that a description of burnout?

I think not. Burnout is something where you feel dead tired despite of how much you have rested. I am not a specialist in this area so there sure can be alot more factors that play role in burnout.

 

[Skids]

I think there are a lot of similarities on this thread from many of us and there's so much honesty from you all and some really interesting posts.

I 'blended in' with society perfectly up until my early 30's when like a of people here, i started to suffer burnout. Although i didn't know it at the time as i didn't know i was autistic until diagnosed at about age 40. The mental and physical stress from trying to be something you are not for hours on end every single day for years and years and years and deep down knowing you are struggling with something that goes much deeper than that is phenomenal.

I had a family, jobs, friends, social life etc but always felt i had to blag my way through much of it. So much so i actually lost my identity and that is something i am gradually beginning to find again.

As i age i find that i simply cannot be bothered to adjust to others anymore, least not to any great degree. I do still get lonely even though i have a partner and 10 year old kid and this is despite knowing i am able to fit in and have a functional 'normal' life but most of the time i just cannot be bothered to do so. I'm tired of trying to hide who i really am and to continually starve my autism of what it really wants and needs and doing so makes me angry and bitter that i have to do this because others don't understand or even if they knew they probably still wouldn't understand.

My partner knows i have autism but she didn't for nearly 20 years! She is NT. My kid is 10 and NT and because of me now knows a lot about autism which is great. I have forbidden her to tell any of her school friends however because i don't want other parents judging through lack of awareness. Which many will do. It's a balancing act.

I have 2 close friends who are both NT also and know i am autistic. Because they knew me for years before thinking i was NT their attitude towards me hasn't changed at all because i'm just the same person they always have known. My autism doesn't change that.

So i think from my perspective i'm beginning to put myself first now as a get older and be more myself and i haven't got the inclination and energy i had when i was younger to mask to fit in and essentially carry on the charade. I think there comes a point in every persons life who masks well that they feel they no longer can do it anymore and the yearning to listen what their autism needs and to provide their autism with the sustenance it requires becomes greater and greater.

They can no longer carry on living a lie essentially if that makes sense?

That's where i'm at now i think. I can either carry on denying who i really am and suffer or finally accept who i really am and find peace. That peace will come at a price but we only have one time on this earth and i'm damned if i am gonna continue living it to appease others and not myself.

 

[Gracey]

I think I hit 45 and fell apart.


only in trying to pick up my pieces did I stumble across Autism.
-the article I read was a personal account of Asperger's.
I started looking into it further.


Five years on and many lightbulb moments later I'm pleased to feel I have choices.

example,
"Gracey, come and sit still and quiet in your seat while applauding people you'll never meet in enthusiastic congratulation for four hours, while smiling and making small talk with those sitting too close.

"Thank you but No"

pre forties, I'd have gone to the graduation ceremony and been genuinely bewildered as to why I wanted to stay under the duvet, or struggled to string a sentence together the following day.

- thought I had some rare, exotic sounding tropical disease that steals away functioning skills

Nowadays, I say "No thank you" minus the guilt.

 

[Progster]

pre forties, I'd have gone to the graduation ceremony and been genuinely bewildered as to why I wanted to stay under the duvet, or struggled to string a sentence together the following day.

I have not interest whatsoever in formal ceremonies. I skipped my first graduation and went to Canada for the summer, and my parents were horrified. I was completely taken aback by their reaction and couldn't understand it - surely it's up to me whether I go or not? It's my graduation, not theirs? What's the big deal if I don't go? I'll still get my certificate - through the post.

After my second degree, under parental pressure, I went, but found it excrutiatingly tedious. I think I gave up clapping after the first 5 or so. Plus these silly, gowns and hats. It had no real meaning, emotional or otherwise, for me. The whole thing was just for show (for whom???) and pointless.

 

[Skids]

I am the same Progster. I got a degree from Lincoln Uni (UK) and refused to attend the graduation ceremony. I didn't see the point. I had completed my course and would receive my degree. The end. No need for ceremonies, stress, being forced to wear clothing i don't want to wear and just general fuss. I went to Uni to get a job done and i did it. That's it as far as i was concerned.

I also don't like attention or to be the focus of attention. I find it unsettling. Even for a brief period such as being presented with my degree in public.

Others cannot seem to understand my thought processes on this. I don't like it and won't enjoy it so won't go. I fail to see what they don't understand about that lol.

 

[Alexej]

I just tried it and it seems to be working now

 

[GrownupGirl]

I don't know if it's because I'm over 40 or just don't give a pig's rump anymore, but I don't socialize with more than 2 or 3 people 99.99% of the time, and just stay in my apartment, slowing melting my brain in front of the computer.