Aspie B/F ignoring me after I suggested he may be on the spectrum

[Savvy]

Hello, I am an n/t lady who has been involved with a super kind, intelligent gentleman for the last 2 and some years. We see each other a couple of times a week & both want to end up in the sun in a few years when he retires. A few times we had a lull in our relationship & it would always be me that got back in touch. He gets his feelings hurt really easily & can definitely hold a grudge (in my opinion) over silly situations such as me wanting to change the sheets on his bed(once) and commenting his flat looked a mess. He sees it as criticism.

He was put in foster care as a baby for several years after father died tragically & mum couldn’t cope. His wife left him after 10 years & 2 other significant relationships ended due to the women leaving. My therapist says he has issues with trusting women & them abandoning him. He was extremely romantic & attentive in the beginning, multiple texts & phone calls & would always plan our next date before the current one ended. We have a great physical & mental connection & very compatible. I did notice he was quirky, couldn’t look me in the eye etc & eventually after several sessions with a therapist who specialises in aspergers & lots of online browsing it would seem that he is likely on the spectrum.

We had been on a romantic roll with no shut downs or withdrawals for over a year. A month ago on our last date he was tired & cranky & lashed out which hurt my feelings & next thing I knew I blurted out I think he has aspergers. Didn’t seem to faze him & I followed it up with that just makes him special & regardless I really want our relationship to work out. I did however decide to go home & let him get his rest as the mood had been spoiled.

Since then we talked quickly a few weeks ago when he wasn’t feeling well & cancelled plans, we made another date but then his ex switched round the night he has his kids and now things have ground to a halt. Last text from him was 2 weeks ago saying he was exhausted & crawling into bed for the night.

I decided to give him space as was recognising this to be a probable shut down. He’s 60 & gets up at 6 each morning drives 90 mins round trip for work so I understand his need for a rest. I have since sent 2 texts tried calling twice & nothing!

My concern is we have a holiday planned in 3 weeks (our first together) It’s all booked & his mum & kids are going too. What shall I do? I have been weighing up whether to stay in the relationship & thought being away together would be a good gauge to see how we get on in a relaxed environment.

Is this a normal aspie withdrawal/shutdown or have I hurt his feelings re: mentioning aspergers or did I trigger abandonment issues by leaving on our last date? He’s not responding so I am at a loss, I’ve kept things light so far but am now wondering if I should drive over to his house for a one on one/closure?

Any feedback or commiseration welcomed, I’m feeling more & more anxious

 

[Progster]

I don't know either you and your boyfriend, or the particular dynamics of your relationship, so I'm not in a position to advise. I can't possibly tell you what your boyfriend is thinking or whether he is hurt, whether you should stay in the relationship or not. All people are complex; people with ASD don't have a once size fits all, so you can't expect random strangers who don't know him personally to know what to do and solve your relationship problems. Only you can do that. You need to communicate with him and talk to him about these issues, preferably in writing. I woudn't just turn up though, ask him first if he wants to see you.

There are numerous other similar threads on this forum from which wisdom can be gained. I suggest you read around the forum, especially in the Love, Dating and Relationships section - there are numerous similar posts in which suggestions and advice is given.

 

[Savvy]

Thank you for your reply and yes of course no two people are alike. I just wondered about other people’s experiences and remember numerous aspies claiming that shut downs are not necessarily related to their significant other but just a personal need to withdraw & regroup. I will take a look at the other forums. Just nerve racking that our holiday is looming....

 

[AO1501]

This is not uncommon behaviour, though I wouldn't say it is necessarily purely an Aspie characteristic, because I think many relationships of all kinds break down as a result of one party withdrawing, leaving the other up in the air.

Given that everyone is different, when I read a description such as yours, I tend to put myself into the situation to see how I would react, and in this situation I would say that to me, this might feel very much like an abandonment.

When I feel like I have been abandoned, I withdraw. It isn't a shutdown it is a shutoff. Basically, I switch the person off as if they never existed, and revert to my routines as strictly and restrictively as I can - my routines are a safe place where I know the landscape and don't have to think.

Normally, that would be it. That person would never be able to reach me again, because not only would I basically refuse to accept they exist, but I would reject any attempt to reconnect with silence since having been abandoned, I would not allow it to happen again.

It's a very black and white thing, and an example of logic and reason beating any and (almost) all emotional connection.

So, if that was me in your scenario, you would be frozen out, and quite possibly never get another chance. Except that the situation is not that simple, because there is the holiday commitment, which I would be able to ignore except that it apparently involves members of my own family who have not been dismissed, and thus I'd feel pressure to honour the arrangement. Then there would be you, and a question in my mind as to whether you had mattered enough to me that I might let you back in.

Typically the answer to that question would be no, and I am very inflexible in that respect, except that there are two people even I have let back in over the years, so even for me, there is a bit of grey area rather than simple black and white. It would therefore depend on how important you had been to me, and that is the question here you can't answer (and neither can we) because only he knows.

I would say, therefore, that while there may be little chance of reconnecting, if it was me, there would be a possibility I would respond, albeit likely not immediately. As such, I'd suggest you try. Again, not being him but being me, I can't tell you what would be most likely to work, but if it were me, I'd be most likely to take notice of the message that you have not abandoned me, that you are still there, waiting, and will stay there, waiting until I'm ready.

That message would counter my belief that I'd been abandoned and dumped and was on my own. Continuing that theme to reinforce the point would also help.

I stress however that this is how I would react, based on your description of events and the circumstances of the relationship, but there is absolutely no certainty that your Aspie sees it the same as I would, and if not, then pressing the abandonment aspect would probably not help so much.

 

[Savvy]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. We did have a quick conversation about that evening after the fact & both agreed things had been really good between us before that night. I will as a last resort send him a heartfelt email sharing my thoughts etc...We all have wounds but his seem especially deep bless him. Communication is the key.....

 

[AO1501]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. We did have a quick conversation about that evening after the fact & both agreed things had been really good between us before that night. I will as a last resort send him a heartfelt email sharing my thoughts etc...We all have wounds but his seem especially deep bless him. Communication is the key.....

The fact you had a conversation that contained a sense of how things had been really good before that night, might simply reinforce the abandonment, because that night followed the good times, and there has been nothing since. Once again, however, that is putting my values into his head, which may or may not be an accurate representation of what is in his head.

I do think that you might find it helpful to delve as deeply into his wounds as you can, particularly from the context of his being on the autism spectrum and all that that entails, because understanding the ways in which he has been damaged may give you insights into how he can be better supported and encouraged. That could make a great deal of a difference to the outcome of this.

You're right, that communication is the key, but you need to know which lock it fits.

 

[Savvy]

Do you mean discuss/delve into his wounds with him?....Also can’t help wondering if my suggesting he was aspie has caused him to now freeze me out(?) I have no idea if he had/has any understanding of it....

 

[AO1501]

Do you mean discuss/delve into his wounds with him?....Also can’t help wondering if my suggesting he was aspie has caused him to now freeze me out(?) I have no idea if he had/has any understanding of it....

In the first instance, you will probably need to understand his wounds for yourself, in order to know how and what to communicate. Later, you can test if he is amenable to discussing them with you - he may not be, but if he is, that would give both of you better insight into relationship building.

The question of whether or not you raising the Asperger's flag with him was a problem is very hard to answer. It wouldn't bother me - in fact before my diagnosis I would have welcomed someone who had given the subject some thought and who might be able to give me some insight. However, some are in rather more denial than that, and would not welcome the subject, and others who would outright reject it. To many, being on the spectrum would be considered a stigma.

It would probably be best not to press that subject - at least for the time being. First you have to retrieve him, and then get him settled.

 

[Tom]

Telling someone you think they are Autistic is going to get a reaction. Quite often they might suspect something along that line but need time to process it. Others can have quite a negative reaction and feel offended. Telling someone you think they have a mental disorder is tricky at the best of times and not always something a lay person should do. During an argument is the worst of times, but what is done is done.

As far as what will happen now, who knows.

 

[Progster]

I agree with @Tom . I'm just imagining how I would have reacted before I knew I was on the spectrum if my partner suddenly came out with a suggestion that I have Asperger's - it probably would cause me to withdraw emotionally for a while to process it. Of course, in this case, it might not be the case that he withdrew for that reason, it could be for any reason, or just needing time out from the relationship, as I stated above I don't know him so can't possible know. But for the future reference of anyone reading this thread later, if you suspect your significant other is on the spectrum and want to know how you might communicate this to them, the best way to do it is to find a web article about it, and say hey, come and read this, it's really ineresting, or mention a documentary or YouTube video, or talk about a famous person, and say hey, did you know that X has Asperger's? That would be a good way to introduce the topic - bringing it up in the heat of an argument is probably not a good idea.

 

[AO1501]

But for the future reference of anyone reading this thread later, if you suspect your significant other is on the spectrum and want to know how you might communicate this to them, the best way to do it is to find a web article about it, and say hey, come and read this, it's really ineresting, or mention a documentary or YouTube video, or talk about a famous person, and say hey, did you know that X has Asperger's? That would be a good way to introduce the topic - bringing it up in the heat of an argument is probably not a good idea.

For those in the UK, a BBC programme titled Chris Packham: Asperger's and Me might prove a very useful and informative introduction. He presents this in a very lucid and accessible way.

It was available on BBC iPlayer, and can likely be found online.

 

[Starfire]

For those in the UK, a BBC programme titled Chris Packham: Asperger's and Me might prove a very useful and informative introduction. He presents this in a very lucid and accessible way.

It was available on BBC iPlayer, and can likely be found online.

Or for those with a VPN.

 

[OlLiE]

first of all: texts, emails, messaging are all garbage - my wife and i have the occasional argument and they always happen when we are not talking face to face - i have learned to read people when i see them - when i can't i often misjudge her needs and expectations with drama as a consequence

second: it has been really hot recently, like me, he may be temperature sensitive, it saps any energy i have to deal with emotional or other complexities, i am just dragging myself through the day until i can fall asleep and check out of the world, every effort almost drives me to my bed

thirdly: you have been with him for a while, it is awesome that you have informed yourself and that you recognise his crashes and other issues - you have learned how to deal with his symptoms, so what is the added value of a label, he sounds like a decent guy who does what he can with the resources he has, maybe mentioning the label felt like being called defective
my greatest frustration is why people just can't be satisfied with my good points and inevitably have to focus on my shortcomings, it is a package deal, take it or leave it

i'm not good at advice but this is what i would respond to:
- i love you for who are
- i appreciate what you bring to the table
- it was not my attention to offend you
- you always do your best, but so do i, and i hope you see that, i do it because i care about you every much
- i haven't been contacting you because i assumed you wanted to rest, i have been hoping you would call
- its hot and unpleasant and tiring, but i think we need to talk things through,
- you need to let me know if i am still welcome on the holiday, because i hope you understand that i am feeling shut out and don't know what to do
- love you

but again, don't quote me on it, i am bad at advice and he may respond completely differently than i would

 

[OlLiE]

i taught my wife the 'i hope you understand that' gambit, i'm not spontaneously empathetic, but when i am asked to understand something emotional i do understand the 'dynamics' of it and i am 'forced' to respect her feelings, i decided to marry an NT so that is only normal, it's her way of making me stop and be aware that i am upsetting her or that i am being insensitive

 

[Savvy]

Oilie, many thanks for your response. I felt an upsurge just reading it. I had wondered the exact same thing re: temperature sensitivity and your advice completely resonates with the words & sentiment ruminating in my head! Thanks again

 

[Adora]

It’s a tricky situation,some people may go in complete denial about being on the spectrum or even be offended if someone even mentions it,When my husband and I first met I didn’t know I was on the spectrum and didn’t find out until years later by a clinical psychologist,when I told my husband he said that he knew even before I found out and have suspected it for years,I asked him if this was the case why didn’t he say anything to me before and he said to me how would you react if I just said to you Adora I think you are on the autistic spectrum he then said he didn’t say anything because he thought that I would get upset,but maybe in my opinion don’t just say to him that you think he has Aspergers because he may not accept it at the moment and maybe help him his issues with abandonment and being supportive because eventually it may end up with him discovering that he is on the spectrum but in due time.

 

[AO1501]

In the question of whether someone on, or suspected of being on, the spectrum would want to discuss the subject with their partner or not, I think I'm conditioned by the fact that after a lifetime of being inexplicably different and puzzlingly left out of almost everything, when I was diagnosed it was like a light bulb going off, a revelation. Suddenly I made sense, I had explanations for so much that had been mystifying before.

Consequently, I've been more than happy to discuss the subject ever since, because every insight is potentially a new discovery about myself. Even if I'd seen the autism spectrum as a stigma, logically and rationally, discovering I am on it would always have been a welcome divulgence to me.

I've mostly assumed that the majority of adults, discovering later in life that they are on the spectrum would view that information in a similar way, and similarly discover they finally make sense, but reading much of what fellow members here say, I suspect I'm wrong, and that while a few would be like me, many wouldn't - or might not be.

Consequently, I'd revise my thoughts regarding discussing the autism spectrum with a suspected member of it, and say that it is quite likely not a good idea unless and until there is a fairly clear indicator that the person concerned is open to the conversation.

 

[Savvy]

Thanks so much for sharing your personal stories. My b/f has still not responded to me and is now choosing to not even read a Whatsapp message as I can see the last time he was on. My message was an invitation to come & swim at my sister’s pool as they are on vacation at the mo. We enjoyed a nice day there just weeks ago. This is his w/end off from the boys but sadly no response. I can’t seem to get past the fact all seemed ok a good 10 days after our last date so the Aspie suggestion or my leaving hadn’t seemed to affect him yet. Could it be he’s just gone into meltdown from the heat (he’s on top floor of his building no AC or fans) and/or depression? Who knows! Holiday looming in 3 weeks so as a last resort I will send a heartfelt email in a few days if I still haven’t heard from him.....

 

[Savvy]

Update: Well, I went over last night as I had still heard nothing and basically my b/f said the relationship isn’t working for him because I’m very self centred!! The last thing that anyone who knows me would accuse me of is self centred ness. When I asked him to give me an example he said on our last date after he’d said he was cold I went on to say it really isn’t that cold, hoping I could sway him to sit outside. This was on one of our recent Indian summer nights here in London. This man is 63 years old and behaving like a 7 year old! Also, the fact I went home instead of staying with him, which I thought was the best thing to do since he was snappy & irritable & needed his rest. When I asked what about the holiday he basically insinuated that he hadn’t invited me anyway (talk about selected memory) and if he had to he would reimburse the money for my ticket even though he pays for most things when we’re out. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Luckily from my recent therapy session my therapist pointed out he has abandonment issues & probably was affected by my leaving on our last date since so many women have left him (including his mum) I’m sad it came to this & wish he would go inward instead of pointing fingers over what seem to be trivial issues. I had sent 2 Whatsapp texts in the last week which he had ignored & I see that he has now read them at 2am this morning. The last was very loving but probably has had no effect on him....Any input welcome but aspie or not I think this is more to do with his wounds.....

 

[Savvy]

One last thought, just baffling to me that he would have just continued to leave me hanging had I not gone over there. Aspie or not very disrespectful, manners cost nothing