AS Friend Lies to Me

[Kapwned]

TL;DR: My friend who is on the spectrum lies to me about trivial things. He will tell me he is busy working or he was just sleeping all day when it's obvious he's online and playing video games with other friends. I asked him if I have been bothering him, worrying that perhaps it was me, and he said no, he is just busy with work and needs to get stuff done. But still, that isn't what he's doing. It doesn't bug me that he wants to do stuff with other friends, but it does upset me that he is lying. So I am fearing that I really do bother him and he is just afraid of being honest, or he is afraid to be honest and tell me what he's doing because he assumes I will get jealous and overreact. But really the thing that hurts me is the fact that he feels the need to lie to me as opposed to tell me the truth. What do you think? Should I say something or do something?

First of all I'll say one of the traits of most Aspies that I like is honesty and tendencies to not lie. Lying is a big thing to me and it really hurts when someone resorts to lying to me for whatever reason.

I have a friend who is technically an ex and he is on the spectrum. Despite being broken up we are still very close and have maintained being big parts of each others dailies lives. We are long distance friends and spend a lot of time at our computers for work and what not. We fell into this routine of hanging out on Skype calls while we do whatever. We often play online games together, or we may watch stuff together, or we may just be browsing or working on stuff and talk while doing so. But I noticed as of late he has been acting more distant. Usually he is signed into Skype all day. Lately he hasn't been signing in until later in the evenings around 7-9. Today was the first time he signed in during the day in over a week and he promptly reminded me that he would be too busy working on comissions (drawings) all day to talk or do calls, and he also had to go to his grandmothers.

Just note this isn't a thread fueled with complaints, the stuff mentioned doesn't exactly bug me itself, I'll get to my point.

One day when I was messaging a coworker I noticed Facebook said he was active. And he continued to be active throughout the afternoon and early evening but not on Skype. I thought no big deal of it, he was probably busy drawing or playing a game with his friends. Eventually around 7:30 he came online. I asked if he managed to get stuff done that day. He said no because in a snarky tone, he claimed he had just woken up because I kept him up all night (not true - he asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I spent 2 hours waiting on him). Sensing his bitterness I said I was just asking because Facebook was showing that he was active. After that he started to act alarmed or paranoid and asked me how I knew if he was active or not. He apparently wasn't aware that now Facebook will tell you when a person has been active in the messenger window, even if they choose to not appear online. He then said that it must be a glitch. I told him Facebook is pretty accurate (trying to coax honesty out of him without accusing him of lying just yet), he then said his nephew must have taken his cellphone which for many reasons is unlikely.

At that point I was really skeptical about his excuses and sort of offended by the fact that he was placing blame on me, so I decided to check his Steam log. He had done quite a bit of gaming that day, again proving he hadn't been asleep. I didn't call him out on this.

The weeks gone by and he continues to have the same excuses. He signs in later in the evening claiming he'd just woken up even though he was very obviously online and playing video games.

Again, I don't really care, but I have been curious about why he's been choosing to lie to me about it.

Then last night when we got into a call, he informed me that he wouldn't be able to do a call or do anything with me today because he had a lot of stuff he needed to get on, commissions to work on, and he had to go to his grandmothers.

Again, I checked his Steam log out of curiosity. He's been playing video games all day. I noticed that one of the games we play together had a new character added and I sent him a message on Skype asking if he'd like to play it sometime to try out the new character, to which he responded "I said I can't do it today I'm busy today."

Coincidentally he was playing that very game at the moment he responded. Last night before he went to bed I decided to give him a chance to open up. I asked him if I've been bothering him lately because if I was that was not my intention and I'd rather it be brought up and addressed than to have him continue to develop this grudge because he assumes nothing can be done. He said no he's just been busy and needs 'me time' to get some work done.

I just don't understand why he can't be honest. Instead he's claiming he's super busy with work but then plays video games all day with other friends. That or he tries to hide and claims he's been sleeping all day when again, he's just been playing video games with friends.

I don't know how to take it or how to approach the issue. I feel like something should be said. I do not appreciate being treated like I'm impeding on work he isn't actually doing when he is the one doing wrong and lying to me. It doesn't need to be a big deal but I do not want him to feel like he needs to lie to me. It makes me wonder how he is currently viewing me. I just don't know why he is doing it or why he feels the needs to go about things this way.

I was thinking of saying "Can I be quite honest? I've been getting a hunch that for a few instances lately you've been giving me excuses to pacify me while you're playing other games with friends. And to be honest it doesn't bug me that you play games with other friends, but the idea of someone near and dear to me choosing to lie to me does concern me."

What do you guys think? I figured I'd come here because often conflict resolution can be difficult with someone on the spectrum.

 

[Ylva]

There are many possibilities.

Maybe he lies about playing videogames on autopilot because it was the only way to deal with his parents when he was younger, in which case he should be able to change the tendency himself.

I guess compulsive lying could be a comorbidity, even though it would be rare.

Maybe he is under the impression that it's more polite to claim to be working than to say that he wants to play or needs a day off to relax and play some videogames or anything like that. I personally had to wrestle myself away from that very habit. (Parents may be 30% of the influence on most kids, but for me they were well over fifty. Maybe it is similar for him.)

Lastly, maybe he is telling the truth, but leaving the online games running for when he needs to take breaks. While in uni I'd often do that with online chess games, coming back to find messages along the lines of "I can see that you are online, why aren't you moving? Or answering?"

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Serial lying is not a good sign, no matter what you--or he--is, other than human. Any time you "pull the mask off" with a question, he has a choice: tell the truth or not tell the truth. He's consistently choosing the latter.

This isn't your problem to solve, in my opinion.

 

[Kapwned]

I don't think it's a habit he's always had. I 'm really good at picking up lies and I do not stick around if someone becomes a habitual liar. I never really had an issue with this before with him (I'm typically really but the way he's been all week just seems off with me and I'm just concerned it's because of me.

 

[Ylva]

If it's just this week, I'm guessing he is overwhelmed by some recent stress, maybe Christmas caught up with him, maybe he needs to relax and wants to avoid the obligatory "tell me if there's something I can do"s. I could be wrong. You could preface your next i quiry with a demand that he tell you the truth. He could have plans that he has a hard time getting around to. I don't know him.

 

[Kapwned]

Serial lying is not a good sign, no matter what you--or he--is, other than human. Any time you "pull the mask off" with a question, he has a choice: tell the truth or not tell the truth. He's consistently choosing the latter.

This isn't your problem to solve, in my opinion.

True.

I just feel like I should say something. He's sitting here potentially painting me as a bad guy when all he's doing is potentially going off of some assumption that I can't handle the truth (not intended to be a film reference or humorous). At this point he is walking on thin ice with me. I love him dearly, I care about him, I love spending time with him, but it's like everything is a game and it's all on his terms. I can do exactly what he does but I am in the wrong for doing it. He can send me a gift and then the next day feel the need to remind me that I am nothing special to him. He will buy a video game for us to play together, and then claim all I do is bug him to play video games (I don't bug him - I ask if he'd like to play maybe once a day, if at all). I've been under the impression he liked spending time with me too (for the past few months he's been acting eager to spend time with me).

One of our problems when we were dating was him failing to communicate with me. When something was bothering him he'd always make a cynical assumption about me and just put up with it and let it build up until he no longer could. Then he'd accuse me of something as if my actions were malicious when I was completely unaware the entire time because he wouldn't say anything.

From the beginning of our friendship and into our relationship we did daily calls on Skype and he initiated most of them. So after awhile of us having the habit of him calling me as soon as I got home from work, I started to call him because I figured he'd call me anyway. Eventually he started to act bitter and grumpy toward me and when I finally coaxed it out of him and he said it was because I wasn't respecting his work. That he couldn't get his work done because he couldn't concentrate because he was always in a call with me and it was distracting... even though he never made any effort to tell me before then. We didn't do video chats, just voice, so I couldn't tell what he was doing on the other side. So it wasn't like I was doing it on purpose and it's not like I couldn't respect his boundaries. He just needed to set them. I was just acting out of routine and habit that we had fallen into.

And I feel like this may be happening again. For a month before our breakup he was distant from me and avoided getting on Skype to talk to me. Then post breakup he immediately started acting close to me again and acted eager to talk to me and spend time with me. We yet again got into the habit of him calling me as soon as I got home from work, so I started to call him. Eventually he did tell me I needed to at least ask before I call (even though he has no problem calling me unannounced...) and so I did. And then for over a week now he's been staying away from Skype or surely having an excuse once he is on Skype and I fear that yet again he is beating around the bush of some other issue. I don't want him to sit there painting me like I'm some irrational and uncooperative jerk.

Again I don't really care and I understand the importance of alone time and wanting to do stuff with other friends. But choosing to lie to me about it (if that's what he's doing) only makes me feel like he's viewing me in a way I do not want him to.

 

[Suzanne]

First of all, it is a misconception that Aspie's don't lie! It is more to the point, that we have this constant urge to tell the truth, but can also learn that telling the truth, can harm more than it can heal.

You also have to take into account, an aspie's life history.

I think he feels that a noose is around his neck ie sense of you nagging him or hanging on to him and he doesn't know how to deal with it and of course, it doesn't ease the situation when you ask if it is you, for perhaps he doesn't know how to respond.

Someone I know, who's son is an aspie is married to an NT, but does not like her parents, but instead of saying he doesn't like them, he just makes excuses to not visit with her. When his mum asked why he doesn't like them, he just said that he doesn't know, but that he just doesn't like them; in other words, finds it hard to establish what it is that he doesn't like; just a sense of unsettlement.

Personally, you would be wise to stand or sit back and see what happens. Because your silence will tell you what is going on!

Honestly, at all times, to tell the truth, is on the tip of my tongue and I have to mentally stop myself, for I have learned that telling it how it is, just causes a lot of pain, to everyone involved.

 

[Thesaurusrex]

Is it at all possible that he may feel uncomfortable with the level at which you are tracking his online movements (for example, keeping an eye on his Facebook activity status, tracking his Steam log)?

He may be feeling the need to take time out from the friendship - it sounds like it is pretty time-intensive and requires a lot of energy. He may not know how to explain this and therefore be making excuses in an attempt to placate you without hurting your feelings. Perhaps participating in games with other 'friends' requires less effort from him (they may be friends he is not as close to, and does not feel the need to invest so much of himself into maintaining those friendships).

I would say the best thing you could do is back off and give him some space. When he wants your company he will seek it out.

If I had a friend who was that intense and demanding, I would struggle to figure out how to deal with the situation tactfully, but it would certainly be taxing and I would probably opt for avoiding them rather than trying to dredge up the energy to deal with confrontation until it was no longer avoidable.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

For me, one lie is too many. It looks like you caught him and he couldn't lie again about that. And him playing the same game you wanted to play with him and him saying he couldn't at that time? Wth?! I would be so done with that. Me and my Aspie friend have had some strange communications problems, but it never lead to a lie. I'd take a break from him for awhile - he's taking you for granted.

 

[Kapwned]

Is it at all possible that he may feel uncomfortable with the level at which you are tracking his online movements (for example, keeping an eye on his Facebook activity status, tracking his Steam log)?

He may be feeling the need to take time out from the friendship - it sounds like it is pretty time-intensive and requires a lot of energy. He may not know how to explain this and therefore be making excuses in an attempt to placate you without hurting your feelings. Perhaps participating in games with other 'friends' requires less effort from him (they may be friends he is not as close to, and does not feel the need to invest so much of himself into maintaining those friendships).

I would say the best thing you could do is back off and give him some space. When he wants your company he will seek it out.

If I had a friend who was that intense and demanding, I would struggle to figure out how to deal with the situation tactfully, but it would certainly be taxing and I would probably opt for avoiding them rather than trying to dredge up the energy to deal with confrontation until it was no longer avoidable.

I think you're taking one instance, getting one impression from it, and assuming I am always like this when in fact I clearly stated I am not. That was an issue I had with this friend and it's probably what lead to this whole mess.

I don't track him down online. Just because I happened to notice his online activity once on a very popular website that displays activity right out there in the open doesn't mean I am tracking him down. It's open and out there for viewing.

For instance, like the first example I explained. He and I had this 'morning greeting' routine or tradition or whatever you call it (which he started). And ONE DAY, one instance, I noticed his online activity (not a big deal in and of itself). When he did finally message me I asked if he managed to get some work done (because I had in the back of my mind noted he had been online throughout the day), to which he sort of scolded me, claiming he had been sleeping all day because he was up all night thanks to me (not true). I am good with spotting lies and details that didn't really stick with me beforehand but then became a part of an inconsistency. I pay close attention to detail quite often without really obsessing about it. He had been on Facebook, yet he said he was sleeping all day? Obviously a lie. I didn't call him out on it and call him a liar. But he was out trying to make me feel bad for a blatant lie and I wasn't sure why. It wasn't the fact that he wanted distance that bugged me, it was the lie.

Perhaps this is something you yourself could learn from? Something people need to realize is that unless you are a flawless liar, they always come around. Lying only delays the pain and often makes it worse. It also kills trust and when he chose to lie to me it really threw me off because in my eyes I've never given him a reason to lie to me. If ever he felt that way, it was something he created in his mind.

Anyway, that's no longer relevant or an issue. I confronted him one more time because I truly felt that he wasn't being honest or up front considering the fact that he was lying to me. I didn't nag him, I had even been trying to give him his space. And then eventually he basically tore me apart. He told me to go project my negativity elsewhere because I was such a pain. While chewing me out he used a lot of examples that were proof that he misinterpreted and misunderstood a lot of things I said and did. He even overanalyzed the way I said 'Okay'. He assumed I was being passive aggressive when I wasn't, he assumed I was mad at moments when I was not. He harbored a lot of false negative impressions of me that yet again he failed to address and let it fester inside and affect his overall view and feelings toward me. This was not my doing or my fault. This was his fault.

It was obvious this was going to happen over and over. He comes to me, we start something, we fall into a routine (encouraged by him), eventually I say or do something he interprets as something other than what I intend, he starts to let it affect his attitude toward me, he starts to want to distance from me, I am oblivious to it because he never shares his thoughts or feelings on such things and the only way to make it right is honesty. I eventually do notice and become concerned, I confront him, he denies it but continues to distance from me, I confront him again and he flips out on me and tries to make me feel like ****. I distance from him, and he comes around again in almost no time flat. Rinse and repeat.

I have dedicated a lot of time trying to understand him and it's gotten to a point where I don't think I can even be friends with him. I can't even make a joke or play around with him without him taking it seriously and judging me for it. I can't see that kind of stuff coming. At this point I'd have to basically never joke with him or express any range of emotions. He claims he doesn't like people who don't have a sense of humor but at the same time he takes so many things seriously and misinterprets them. He can dish the humor out but if you send it right back it just goes right over him. I care about him dearly, but it's stressful and he always paints me as the bad guy and when I try to make things right, try to clarify where there were misunderstandings he gets even more mad at me for 'always having a defense or an excuse for everything'.

 

[Kapwned]

For me, one lie is too many. It looks like you caught him and he couldn't lie again about that. And him playing the same game you wanted to play with him and him saying he couldn't at that time? Wth?! I would be so done with that. Me and my Aspie friend have had some strange communications problems, but it never lead to a lie. I'd take a break from him for awhile - he's taking you for granted.

You can read the post above this one but I ended up cutting him out of my life. He made it clear that I was a burden to him. Despite his and other posters impressions of me, my intentions and actions were not what they appeared to be. This was about a week ago, and just today he started sending me messages again, as if nothing ever happened. I very clearly told him I could not be friends with him if that was how I made him feel. Yet here he is, exactly a week later, just up out of no where messaging me like last week never happened.

 

[MicroWeiss]

You can read the post above this one but I ended up cutting him out of my life. He made it clear that I was a burden to him. Despite his and other posters impressions of me, my intentions and actions were not what they appeared to be. This was about a week ago, and just today he started sending me messages again, as if nothing ever happened. I very clearly told him I could not be friends with him if that was how I made him feel. Yet here he is, exactly a week later, just up out of no where messaging me like last week never happened.

You're doing the right thing. Consider it that you are providing a public service by offering this guy the opportunity to suffer enough at your loss that he may wake up and realize that his actions have consequences. You sound emotionally burned out, from what I am reading here. Your descriptions seem very clear thinking to me, I didn't read anything malicious in them. I have not talked to you in person, but I find it hard to believe that another rational person would be able to make you feel like ****. He has been abusive, excuses need not be made.