AS Boyfriend Broke Up with Me

[PolishHusky]

My AS boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Our day to day was amazing, it's when commitment and affection came into question, we'd have some problems. So - recently, due to the overwhelming pressures and his depression worsening, he decided we needed to break up so he could reprieve and try to overcome some personal issues before trying to overcome our relationship issues. It was very sudden and a complete 180.

We've "broken up" before, but it only lasted a few nights and then we'd pick up where we left off without much change. He insists that he needs to be left alone and given some time before we try again, if ever. It's hard not to take is personally or blame myself, but I'm trying to be understanding. I'm using this time to become more aware of AS relationships as I realize I fell short it taking his AS into consideration in the past.

Normally, in a non AS relationship, I'd walk away, cut communications, try to move on, as I think time apart doesn't fix anything. Despite our problems, I truly believe him and I are really good together, but have fallen of track. Call me sappy, but I was so sure he was it for me. It's breaking my heart spending time away from him. I'm willing to wait, I just have a tendency to push him when I shouldn't. At the same time, I also realize this may be our only saving grace. The few times we've spoken since then, it seems like all hope or the idea of us has vanished. He called it a light switch turning off, and he doesn't know why or how to change it.

I'm looking for any perspective on couples with an AS partner who took a break. Did time help? Is there anything I can do? Thank you!

 

[Sloth]

While I can't offer you specific experiences, I can relate to your boyfriend a lot. It can be really depressing to realize that the way you process emotions and affection is not the same way others do. Seeing how others demonstrate love so differently can really make you question whether what you feel is love at all. This can lead to you feeling like you shouldn't or maybe even don't deserve to be in a relationship.

Sometimes the pressure becomes too much and you need to take a break. I think, t's important to understand and accept yourself first before you can accept other people, so I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. If you're waiting for him to become a completely different person, then that is probably not going to happen. What could change is if he figures things out for himself, he might be more motivated to try to work it out and make an effort to try again, but can't really know for sure, all people are different. Wish you the best!

 

[PolishHusky]

While I can't offer you specific experiences, I can relate to your boyfriend a lot. It can be really depressing to realize that the way you process emotions and affection is not the same way others do. Seeing how others demonstrate love so differently can really make you question whether what you feel is love at all. This can lead to you feeling like you shouldn't or maybe even don't deserve to be in a relationship.

Sometimes the pressure becomes too much and you need to take a break. I think, t's important to understand and accept yourself first before you can accept other people, so I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. If you're waiting for him to become a completely different person, then that is probably not going to happen. What could change is if he figures things out for himself, he might be more motivated to try to work it out and make an effort to try again, but can't really know for sure, all people are different. Wish you the best!

Thank you!

 

[DrownsTheWhiskey]

My AS boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Our day to day was amazing, it's when commitment and affection came into question, we'd have some problems. So - recently, due to the overwhelming pressures and his depression worsening, he decided we needed to break up so he could reprieve and try to overcome some personal issues before trying to overcome our relationship issues. It was very sudden and a complete 180.

We've "broken up" before, but it only lasted a few nights and then we'd pick up where we left off without much change. He insists that he needs to be left alone and given some time before we try again, if ever. It's hard not to take is personally or blame myself, but I'm trying to be understanding. I'm using this time to become more aware of AS relationships as I realize I fell short it taking his AS into consideration in the past.

Normally, in a non AS relationship, I'd walk away, cut communications, try to move on, as I think time apart doesn't fix anything. Despite our problems, I truly believe him and I are really good together, but have fallen of track. Call me sappy, but I was so sure he was it for me. It's breaking my heart spending time away from him. I'm willing to wait, I just have a tendency to push him when I shouldn't. At the same time, I also realize this may be our only saving grace. The few times we've spoken since then, it seems like all hope or the idea of us has vanished. He called it a light switch turning off, and he doesn't know why or how to change it.

I'm looking for any perspective on couples with an AS partner who took a break. Did time help? Is there anything I can do? Thank you!

I am in a somewhat similar position to you PolishHusky.

My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship just coming up on 8 years next month. He was diagnosed officially a few years ago but never really received any treatment or help after the official diagnosis. He never really accepted it tbh, could never come to terms with it.

Initially, our relationship was somewhat long distance, we would stay at each other's houses and we worked it out like that until two years ago. He moved in with me into my parent's house while we worked on renovating our own home to move into.

I would say we had a really good relationship, all things considered. I do have quite severe anxiety that impacts my ability to drive and want to go out a lot. We lived in a rural area but this past year we got into a routine where he would be on his computer the majority of the time and I would be on my laptop in the same room as him. We had differing sleeping patterns/schedules on and off and he didn't really leave the house much at all. I would go out shopping occasionally and things but we never really did anything together outside of the house.

We obviously didn't communicate about that very effectively because he thought he had done something wrong and that's why we had drifted apart but he stayed quiet in hopes that he could work it out and see if he could fix what he thought he had done wrong. Honestly, he didn't do anything wrong at all. I take the full blame for that, I never had a great interest in going out and about and in regards to intimacy we were less touchy-feely than at the start of our relationship and I only discovered recently that he felt more like we were more like friends for the past year than in a relationship. I felt more like we had exited the 'honeymoon phase' and had settled into the relationship, granted I was willing to help break the routine we had gotten into and was willing to put an effort into going out more and overcome my anxiety with driving so we could.

A few months ago he started having a really hard time. His mind was overwhelmed, he couldn't understand what he was feeling at all about anything. He wanted to move out and live on his own so he could prove to himself that he could look after himself on his own and he became fixated on that idea. He only told me all of this a few weeks ago and he told me he couldn't even tell me how he felt about me anymore, he didn't know himself. We talked about us breaking up being a possibility so I knew it could happen, I just never expected it to be completely honest.

The day before we broke up, I told him I was willing to try and fix my mistakes, work on our relationship. That I still loved him and really wanted our relationship to work. He said he didn't want to make any big life decisions before he saw a professional and got help understanding where his head was at as he didn't want to break up with me and realise it was the biggest mistake of his life.
I went to bed that night, he sat up thinking and the next morning when he got up he told me he wanted to break things off, his heart wasn't in it anymore. Two hours later he had packed up all of his stuff and left.

I feel like I have completely failed him and am pretty lost at the minute. It is all still very raw and I don't think it has really sunk in for me. From one day to the next it all felt so sudden and I still don't know where it all went wrong. I feel exactly as you do though. I thought we had a good relationship overall and we had talked about getting married and things when we had our house finished. It is definitely a big shock tbh.

 

[Tom]

Aspies have a tendency towards black & white thinking. Also they tend to be all or nothing... no middle ground so to speak. So left to their own devices they are capable of sudden drastic decisions. They tend to think of themselves as 'logical', but it is somewhat self delusion. From the outside its easy to see they (we) can be very illogical.

This can be countered sometimes by reasoning out things in non-emotional discussion. If either party is emotional it tends to only make matters worse. What is said is the issue often is not, and you have to pry deeper within both parties. Various fears are often at the bottom of it.

I wouldn't hold out much hope once the relationship has broken however. That goes for NT or ASD. Keep the line of communication open but get on with your own life is probably the best course.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

They tend to think of themselves as 'logical', but it is somewhat self delusion. From the outside its easy to see they (we) can be very illogical.

Very true.
I've suffered the same. A lot of pain to break out of the prison of black and white.
Then the learning curve begins.

It so easy for us to create all these machinations within machinations.

A protection from reality sometimes.

Glory days
Long time ago. Difficulties never disappear though they 'morph'

 

[PolishHusky]

Very true.
I've suffered the same. A lot of pain to break out of the prison of black and white.
Then the learning curve begins.

It so easy for us to create all these machinations within machinations.

A protection from reality sometimes.

Glory days
Long time ago. Difficulties never disappear though they 'morph'

I just wish he'd let me in.