Are you treated differently

[RemyZee]

At jobs I usually get fired or asked to resign for social or organizational reasons, even though I try. My job right now is the best because nearly everyone working there is disabled in some way. It's still confusing socially because I think I am treated differently, and the other person there who has a developmental disability is treated differently as well. Once, in a staff meeting, someone made a comment about her in her absence--saying we should have her stand outside the office twirling a sign. I found it so offensive....and cruel! I'm treated differently too. When I have feedback meetings they are always rescheduled, even though other people's aren't. My emails aren't returned. I'm not given projects like other people in the office, and my trainings on the database didn't happen for a month, whereas others there are trained in a couple of days. But what I'm mad about is the other lady: that someone would say that about her in a staff meeting can be so impactful! It jeopardizes that person's employment, and shapes people's attitudes about her. There is nothing wrong with her. She is just different, but she does a great job, and is trying so hard, but we are not given the same amount of responsibility as other people there: even though I know I can handle lots of things. But they are always publically condescending to her, and I can tell it's getting to her and she's acting more frantic as the weeks go by. I find, sadly, that even within the wider disability community there can be a prejudice against certain demographics--usually autistic, mentally ill, or people with invisible disabilities often aren't brought into the fold, or are only allowed in at a surface level...what should I do, if anything, and how have you handled this kind of problem.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yeah, I'm treated differently, but online more than offline. It really, really bugs me when I'm treated differently for no reason. I don't know why, it just does.

 

[8crismon]

In a lot of places mostly because of different kinds of humor. High school was a big one due jocks being jocks.

 

[Angular Chap]

Yes, I've noticed patterns and consistencies over many years that I'm treated differently. I've never thought of it as discrimination, bigotry or prejudice, though. I feel more like I'm being treated as an inconvenience or an annoyance.

 

[marc_101]

Yes, I think I am. The problem is that I always try to ignore it because once you think that people treat you differently then our brain always finds confirmation even though it may not be true.

On the other hand, I also treat them differently. I tend to say what I think, sometimes I talk too much, sometimes too little. I'm stubborn, etc. I know how to behave and pretend to be agreeable, but sometimes it's too much work.

 

[Kuzekun]

I don't think I'm treated differently. I was diagnosed as an adult and when I was growing up I was treated the same at both home and school. Sometimes it led to unfortunate confrontation and major depressive episodes. After my diagnosis I feel that everyone around me is more respectful but not really different around me. At work I had a boss that is on the spectrum. After I told her I only told a few of the coworkers I trusted the most. My boss only revealed her status because I told her mine. She gave me alot of support and shielded me from Corporate policy as best as she could because she understood. Out of everyone I think she is the only one who treated me differently, but in a good positive way.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I find, sadly, that even within the wider disability community there can be a prejudice against certain demographics--usually autistic, mentally ill, or people with invisible disabilities often aren't brought into the fold, or are only allowed in at a surface level...what should I do, if anything, and how have you handled this kind of problem.

A few thoughts here:
1. The more we "identify", the more we separate ourselves, the more we lose our cognitive and emotional empathy for others. We have a nasty little tribalism streak in us that will ultimately be our undoing. As an autistic, a person of some neurodivergence, I understand it's very common for us to be living outside those mental, social, and cultural constructs. I do recognize the "we" are not "them", but for the sake of humanity, we can either use our neurodivergence for positive benefit of others or we can pull inward, and use it separate ourselves and dwell in depression, anger, and frustration. Our choice. Be who you want to be and live with whatever consequences that leads to. All you have to do is step back some distance and look at what is happening with a fellow autistic, Elon Musk. On one hand, you have a person of some significant intellect with ideas that will literally change the world for the better. On the other hand, he's autistic, neurodivergent, and has a massive audience and a bright spotlight on everything he says and does. He doesn't piss me off, but boy, oh boy, he has a lot of haters. Personally, I can separate the true significance of his mind and ideas and his purpose and mission in life, whilst still thinking, "Dude, just shut your mouth. Some things are better off not saying to a worldwide audience."
2. I have found, often the hard way, living with mistakes, that in order to maximize one's cognitive and emotional empathy, you must have reciprocity. Give and take. Someone does something nice for you, you return the favor, or at least pay it forward. Random acts of kindness will get you nearly everywhere. I don't mean bringing in a box of donuts for the office break room, but rather intentionally going out of your way to lend a hand. "It's not my job, but today, right now, I've got your back and we are going to get through this." To serve. To mentor. To lead by example. Do not expect gratitude, but if you happen to receive it, all the better. (Another lesson) If you look at my signature below, at the time I was tested and diagnosed, I had severe reciprocity issues. I made a mental note of this. Reciprocity is NOT a trait I naturally have, BUT something I have recently found to be priceless when it comes to interpersonal and professional relationships. So, I consciously remind myself of this, and I do mean it is a conscious effort every day because of all the positive dopamine hits I receive from gratitude, it doesn't stick in terms of behavior even though those dopamine hits reduce my likelihood of falling into depression. Being a genuinely good, positive, helpful person by one's actions, is, in and of itself, self-medicating.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I say I'm always treated differently, what I mean is I spot patterns of the same behaviour in others that gets accepted but when I do it it's suddenly breaking rules. Again I'm talking about online (not this site specifically).

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

The main way I was treated differently was in college. As a woman in a field at the time dominated by men, I was denied access to some learning opportunities because I was a woman and - literally - will just get pregnant and drop out and never use it.

I didn't realize I was ASD1 until the past few years. I can see in retrospect the problems I had socializing with others.

Once I had my own business I learned some "tools" on how to manage people, providers, clients in positive ways much like Neonatal RRT explains about reciprocal. Over time, one can learn a lot of these and it makes work go much more smoothly with lots higher patient satisfaction.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Definitely. I think I carry myself sort of fundamentally incorrect however, so it's inevitable. Find myself caring when others don't, not caring when they do. It's not on purpose, but I do suspect it has come about due to the difficulty experienced when being too aligned with others. I definitely belong in some crevice alongside the road so people won't even have to notice. As a result I've largely retreated from the public and been pretty okay ever since. My family tends to act as a communication relay so even most of the support structures have very little direct contact with me.
At least I've not really been mistreated since school.

 

[The Pandector]

How we’re treated has mostly to do with how we treat others.

IME, most people operate on a highly emotional rather than rational plane. Just as I don’t like being expected to respond to emotional needs, your average allistic doesn’t like being expected to deal with things in a purely rational way. I’m not equipped to deal with their emotions, and they’re not equipped to deal without them.

Just because you’re not well received doesn’t mean you didn’t make a correct or valuable contribution. It may mean that they are emotionally unable to properly evaluate your contribution because of their unsloughable emotional baggage.

A contributing problem for autists is the GAF factor. The autist lives life trying to understand the mental state of people considerably different than themselves, while the great strength of the allistic model is that they tend to think the same way and so exercise no skill in imagining that there’s another way to parse reality.

So, it seems predictable to me that yeravridge Joe simply isn’t prepared, at any random point, to control their reactions to the point of treating the weird guy like they do everyone else.

No. I don’t remember ever feeling as though I was being treated in an equitable fashion. Quite the opposite.

 

[Misty Avich]

The reason why I get treated differently offline is because I have quite a weak personality, so what people wouldn't say to each other do say to me, even though I don't say it to them. For example, if someone is in distress, I always listen and empathise, but if I'm in distress I'm often just told to "stop complaining" - usually by people who hypocritically complain worse than me, about trivial stuff.

That doesn't explain why I get treated differently online though, as I think I carry a stronger personality online and am less afraid to stand up for myself. One twit on another forum did admit she liked antagonising me because she enjoyed my histrionic reaction. But that is bullying, and is something I have never done to anyone else. And no, having a difference in political opinions is not bullying. Deliberately provoking someone to laugh at them is bullying. But nobody calls THEM a bully. Apparently I'm the bully.

 

[Jonn]

But nobody calls THEM a bully.

I do...

 

[Misty Avich]

I do...

You're a good friend, so are many others here.

 

[Jonn]

You're a good friend, so are many others here.

Yes, this is a decent website.

 

[The Pandector]

That doesn't explain why I get treated differently online though, as I think I carry a stronger personality online and am less afraid to stand up for myself. One twit on another forum did admit she liked antagonising me because she enjoyed my histrionic reaction. But that is bullying, and is something I have never done to anyone else. And no, having a difference in political opinions is not bullying. Deliberately provoking someone to laugh at them is bullying. But nobody calls THEM a bully. Apparently I'm the bully.

Yeah. I guess that it is technically bullying. I tend to think of bullying as using force to get something from someone else. Certainly, online bullies are in serious need of something they can only get by appearing to dominate. We all have to endure these weaklings as they self-gratify.

I don’t claim to own the language, but I think of bullying as different than trolling. The person you mentioned, like soooo many trolls online, takes joy in causing pain. I see that as different. The bully abuses others to make themselves feel better, whereas the troll abuses others for the joy of making them hurt.

Just a theory of mine, which can be quickly discarded because I really spend almost no time on social media except for this site.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Yeah, I'm treated differently, but online more than offline. It really, really bugs me when I'm treated differently for no reason. I don't know why, it just does.

I am usually treated online much better than in person. Even more recently on social media how I was able to connect with a few females in the faith I was told here that I was 'very lucky'. Even back in 2000 when I found my faith it was via chat room with mostly females. Yet in person all of them would ostracize me back then when I did not even know it was a thing or a forum of rejection and bullying.

It's only that I found two places my local church and local yoga studio that accept me as I am. They don't ostracize me or treat me differently. I get greeted and have friends.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yeah. I guess that it is technically bullying. I tend to think of bullying as using force to get something from someone else. Certainly, online bullies are in serious need of something they can only get by appearing to dominate. We all have to endure these weaklings as they self-gratify.

It's also being treated differently, in my case, because other members reacted histrionically and they still got respected but when I did they loved seeing me in distress.

I don’t claim to own the language, but I think of bullying as different than trolling. The person you mentioned, like soooo many trolls online, takes joy in causing pain. I see that as different. The bully abuses others to make themselves feel better, whereas the troll abuses others for the joy of making them hurt.

Either way, it's still hurtful for the person on the receiving end.

Just a theory of mine, which can be quickly discarded because I really spend almost no time on social media except for this site.

I do sometimes get rude comments by strangers on Facebook if I comment on a public post, but all my Facebook friends I have on there have never bullied or trolled me.

 

[Misty Avich]

I remember years ago I was waiting for my bus with a load of shopping bags, and was sitting on the bench under the shelter in the middle of some other people (strangers). They weren't all older than me, just different ages really. Suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere and glared at me and told me to get up and move so that an elderly lady could sit down. I felt livid because it was like she was just picking on me, rather than asking in general if one of us could give up our seat. If she had done that then I would have stood up no problem. But because it was just me she was telling, in a not very nice tone, I felt like punching her. Obviously I didn't, I just grabbed all my heavy shopping bags, and stood out in the rain. Everyone who were sitting stared at me as I was turfed out of my seat. They were probably gloating because they weren't asked to move. They were probably thinking "thank God there was an idiot sitting with us."

I hate looking like an idiot that people can just pick on. Just makes me loathe myself even more. I can think of my stupid, weak, pathetic face that makes me a target and I hate it. I hate living like this.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I honestly don't know if I'm being treated differently. I seem to be quite oblivious in some areas - for example, I never notice when someone "checks me out" on the street. If you ask me, that just never happens to me. When my sister or someone else point it out to me, like "that person was obviously staring at you", or "that cashier tried to flirt with you", I'm honestly surprised. I seem to be selectively blind. So I don't feel like I can judge this correctly.

I don't really feel like I'm being treated differently. Maybe people whom I don't know are a bit more careful or nicer because I seem very shy and a bit unsure, especially at the beginning at a new place, and I am somewhat clumsy. I just don't seem particularly self-assured, I guess. Maybe I have a "shy girl" vibe that makes people act a bit more protectively. I guess I have this sort of guarded attitude at new places until I settled in a bit and know how everything goes.
At school, I did have situations where I didn't get jokes and, in retrospect, people seemed to find this funny - especially when I was younger, elementary school age. But I don't remember being actively bullied, at least I didn't realize it. I guess I was lucky with my class - we had more awkward, nerdy kids than the other classes seemed to have. I was someone who could easily have been bullied during elementary school, I'm very grateful that it didn't happen.
If I'm not careful, I was always in danger of people taking advantage of me because I was nice and eager and helpful. By now, I learned to look out for it better.
Since I told friends about my autism and my associated struggles, I feel like some of them treat me with more caution than it would be necessary. Like I can't look out for myself anymore, or like I'm a time-bomb that could blow up. It's not all of them, but some of them do.