Anyone feel like a robot?

[Phanelope]

...or feel like everyone else is?

I’m sorry for all these stupid questions. I’m starting to wonder about all the odd things I’ve ever felt or thought and wonder if this was linked to autism.

As a young girl I thought for a very long time I was the only human being and everybody else was a robot providing challenges to my life. I’m not sure when I started to realise that other people had thoughts and feelings like me, but I think it was as late as my teen years, or maybe even early twenties.

But sometimes I also feel like I’m not real either, or I feel like other people don’t realise that I’m real. There are times that I feel like I’m floating away, and then I have to move about to bring myself back down to earth. Sometimes I get really irritated that people can’t read my mind. Like, why don’t people just know what I want or what I’m trying to say without my having to actually say it? It’s like I’m an alien and they don’t understand my language.

Is it just me?

 

[Ezra]

Fairly common in autism I'd say. A technical term for this is depersonalization. It usually happens when outdoors. Has to do with sensory processing. Things like not enough sleep and low blood sugar can make it worse. To me it's like being in the Matrix. Nothing and no one is real, even myself.

 

[Phanelope]

Yes, I think that’s why I liked the Matrix so much (only the first one).

 

[Ezra]

Same here. Basically anywhere out side the house, especially my room is like that. Not all the time. It comes and goes. Sometimes it can be bad enough to cause an anxiety attack and I have to stand still or sit down with my eyes closed and do deep breathing. Also I can feel quite mechanical like a robot going through motions.

 

[OlLiE]

i feel like a robot most of the time,
i feel like all i do is take in info and process it,
it has to be processed quickly,
so it doesn't become a 'burden'
i rarely feel 'involved' in what happens around me,
and generally find peace in solitude,
neutrality and not being stimulated are often my main form of happiness
i envy people that are capable of truly enjoying the social 'stimuli' that life throws at them,
i can't complain though,
I have a loving wife that gets me,
and who is patient enough to try to help me enjoy things

 

[Gekko2508]

Yo, I thought I'd open up here a little, too.
I was diagnosed with "only" PDD-NOS, so take it with whatever grain of salt you want.
I've always been extremely aware of how I store away behaviours. I really feel like a computer up in my head.
Have you ever done any programming? I go through my processes like code:
- You are in a conversation.
- Your conversee raises their eyebrow after you speak.
- Your conversee is probably confused. Go to confused folder.
I have many of these kind of folders in my head that are filled with examples of how people have expressed the feelings of that folder's title before. Whenever I have learned I should behave or react a certain way, I look in those folders and "fake" those reactions.
I once tried explaining that to a friend of mine who was studying psychology - he called me a sociopath. I prefer calling myself a robot. A robot, or I feel like the Non-Player Character in someone else's life. I'm just not properly in my head.

Man if that makes any sense to you, I'm impressed. Lack of sleep does not make for a good language.exe.

 

[Gritches]

Before I was happy, I felt like a robot. But I found that as I got happier (which is more than just the lifting of depression) I found that human emotions started coming - emotions I don't think I've ever felt before. Empathy, remorse, guilt, love, contentment; now that I've got all these emotions that depression was just turning into one solid shade of grey, I feel more human than ever.

Now that my eyes are fully open, I'm starting to see everyone else as a robot. Everywhere, people who are more miserable than they realize, just committing an act of self-delusion by telling themselves that they're happy, just shambling through their lives on autopilot. Predictable social input and output, just like robots, a complete lack of the spontaneity that comes with actually being happy.

So, a little column A, a little column B.

 

[RainbowStar]

Yep. As a young child I was convinced everyone else was a robot and I was the only real one. I grew out of it, but I still have moments of depersonalization and/or dissociation.

 

[Tom]

I never felt like one honestly, though I relate to very systematic thinking and have on occasion been compared to a computer.

Rather then a robot trapped in a human body it would be so much better the other way around. Laser beam eyes, grippy hands, and very flexible dryer hose legs.

 

[Lorelaine]

Yo, I thought I'd open up here a little, too.
I was diagnosed with "only" PDD-NOS, so take it with whatever grain of salt you want.
I've always been extremely aware of how I store away behaviours. I really feel like a computer up in my head.
Have you ever done any programming? I go through my processes like code:
- You are in a conversation.
- Your conversee raises their eyebrow after you speak.
- Your conversee is probably confused. Go to confused folder.
I have many of these kind of folders in my head that are filled with examples of how people have expressed the feelings of that folder's title before. Whenever I have learned I should behave or react a certain way, I look in those folders and "fake" those reactions.
I once tried explaining that to a friend of mine who was studying psychology - he called me a sociopath. I prefer calling myself a robot. A robot, or I feel like the Non-Player Character in someone else's life. I'm just not properly in my head.

Man if that makes any sense to you, I'm impressed. Lack of sleep does not make for a good language.exe.

I really feel like this often. I process so many things around me and feel like I need to somehow remember it for later use. I feel like I’m a computer doing a scan of an object to analyze its purpose and function. Sometimes though, I find myself too absorbed into a single subject and become completely oblivious to things around me, but this is also because I’m living in my own head at the moment. I think back on previous events and sometimes I have no memory of the subject really, though I was there and active. I don’t know if you (or anyone here) has seen “Click”, with Adam Sandler, where he has a remote that allows him to fast-forward through events he doesn’t like. He finds out later that during his fast-forwards, he is in auto-pilot and unaware of his surroundings. I feel like this often; that I’m in my head in deep thiught and tuning out the rest of the world.

 

[Phanelope]

Yo, I thought I'd open up here a little, too.
I was diagnosed with "only" PDD-NOS, so take it with whatever grain of salt you want.
I've always been extremely aware of how I store away behaviours. I really feel like a computer up in my head.
Have you ever done any programming? I go through my processes like code:
- You are in a conversation.
- Your conversee raises their eyebrow after you speak.
- Your conversee is probably confused. Go to confused folder.
I have many of these kind of folders in my head that are filled with examples of how people have expressed the feelings of that folder's title before. Whenever I have learned I should behave or react a certain way, I look in those folders and "fake" those reactions.
I once tried explaining that to a friend of mine who was studying psychology - he called me a sociopath. I prefer calling myself a robot. A robot, or I feel like the Non-Player Character in someone else's life. I'm just not properly in my head.

Man if that makes any sense to you, I'm impressed. Lack of sleep does not make for a good language.exe.

Yes! I often see that internet meme where people say their brains are like internet browsers with too many tabs open and that is exactly what it feels like. I also open folders and rehearse scripts before engaging socially.

I also get really frazzled when people don’t behave the way they have previously. Then it’s like Error! Error! Error! Initiating shutdown.

 

[EdenSimone]

I'm new here.This is the first thing I've shared. I wrote this several months ago and it still rings true today. I will share one more thing I've written following this.

It's time that I stop trying to interact with people at large. This effort has been the underlying theme of my life. There's a directness that I need for it to work that just seems impossible for anyone to produce. Everything is shrouded in expectation of fulfilling a code that I don't understand. And I'm starting believe that maybe I never really wanted to understand. I thought I did. I always thought this was my disconnect, my veil. But lately I'm beginning to wonder if the veil is mine or theirs. Either way, it's highlighted by the effort. It's causing frustration and confusion to the point where the desire, the fantasy isn't to achieve it but to find a way to escape. If there was (I don't mean taking ones own life because that wouldn't accomplish what I'm talking about)a way to just simply sign myself out of this the way one would do when done with something, I would do that. I don't belong here. I know it. I think everyone knows it. I feel like a visiting guest that has long past stayed their welcome. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just see this as a basic fact.

 

[EdenSimone]

Here's another I wrote from several months ago. Still is how I feel also.

But then I start to wonder if any of it is real. Mostly, I feel like this is some sort of maze that I have done before . Maybe not as myself. But as someone I have an effect on. That all this is set up to teach me something. And eventually I will get it right enough. I get the sense at times that I have done things before and I wonder how many times this has all happened. But I'm telling myself that, that is not reality.

 

[EdenSimone]

One morefrom further back still.

I feel like there is a placid, trance like state that much of the world is being lulled into through the demand of political correctness. And for quite awhile now I haven't bought into it but I have floated on the the surface where theres barely a ripple but is quite unstable underneath. I have done this because with everyone in seeming agreement, I felt like I had missed the boat containing all the common sense and unspoken rules of how to be and how to think. I'm beginning to think I have been wrong on this. It's as though a veil has been removed and there is more clarity. It will take blatant, unapologetic honesty for the world to wake up.

 

[adh2d]

I think the "everyone's a robot but me" thing is definitely an autism thing. When I was little it took me a long time to realise other people have sapient thought (Theory of Mind). I'm a pot better with it now but it still feels quite often, that I'm the main character and everyone is a programmed NPC.

And I also find a lot that I'm frustrated with and ostracized from non-autistic folk. Like everyone understands something I just, don't. And I end up feeling like I'm invisible, uninteresting, and don't exist. Both in a depression sense and a depersonalization sense.

 

[Phanelope]

I think the "everyone's a robot but me" thing is definitely an autism thing. When I was little it took me a long time to realise other people have sapient thought (Theory of Mind). I'm a pot better with it now but it still feels quite often, that I'm the main character and everyone is a programmed NPC.

And I also find a lot that I'm frustrated with and ostracized from non-autistic folk. Like everyone understands something I just, don't. And I end up feeling like I'm invisible, uninteresting, and don't exist. Both in a depression sense and a depersonalization sense.

Yes theory of mind was one of the reasons I thought I couldn’t be Autistic, because I have a very good concept of it now. I tend to worry more about the thoughts and feeling of others than my own. Then I dug into my past and pulled up the memory of being among robots (although I think had the The Matrix been available at the time I would’ve felt they were pieces of code). I quite often feel like I’m invisible. Sometimes I even talk to people and it’s like they simply don’t hear me. Maybe I’m not even talking to them and it’s all in my head?

Just as I write this I’m starting to wonder if I do actually understand theory of mind, or have I just learnt that if you show consideration to others you are more likely to be accepted?

 

[Progster]

Not really that people were like robots, more that I couldn't reach them, control them or predict them. As if they were on TV and not in real life. I always thought of people as like being on TV.

 

[Gekko2508]

I also get really frazzled when people don’t behave the way they have previously. Then it’s like Error! Error! Error! Initiating shutdown.

Oh goodness me. I feel for my poor husband having to deal with me. Whenever he acts only slightly differently to his norm, I get intensely frustrated, worried, and unsure of everything.

 

[StephF]

Yes, all the time. Almost as if I was an Alien viewing the society of NTs as a scientific study.

 

[Jersey]

to find a way to escape

I agree with what you're saying. Kind of looking for the exit door to this real life Truman Show.

As for learning something, I've also wondered that, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to learn. The veil sounds religiony but I don't even think that's it. (reminded me of Swedenborg Off the Left Eye concept) And I think sometimes there's some big secret I wasn't told about but it seems like it's for some people to feel superior but the secret doesn't mean much, more like a game, and I don't like games much. If that's the robotic part of this I guess, but I don't feel like a robot myself, I just feel human.