Advice needed

[Lilygh]

We do both. It’s literally “fight or flight”. We fight when we can, and shut down when we can’t. And there’s little space in between. Try not to read between the lines.

When someone is angry, I shut off. It doesn’t matter if it’s the cashier at the grocery store or my wife. It doesn’t matter if I did something very bad or if I’m not even involved. And if I can go hide, I will. And I have had long, painful meltdowns because I did something really bad. Nobody likes to see a meltdown. Nobody likes having a meltdown. And none of us enjoy being seen having a meltdown.

It’s very possible that he is just going back and forth from thinking this is beautiful to thinking that it’s just too hard.

We had few times “bad moments”… he always shut off, and then after a while he comes back trying to repair things. It was even before I knew about him being an Aspie. He told me few times that he needs time to “process” things.
Thank you for replying

 

[Cassielyn]

I really need help and advice, because I have no idea what to think. I’ll start with saying that I’m not autistic. I never knew ( or didn’t know about it) anyone autistic before, and I have no one to ask.
Over one year ago I’ve met a guy on a dating app ( I had the app for a moment, opened it for totally other reasons than finding love) and we started regularly talking. He was from another country but location he had on my country. We started talking on instagram. At the beginning just getting to know each other, later he started flirting a bit. I started to enjoy our conversations and obviously liked him too. But I got the impression that he’s a “player”. He could talk to me for days and then disappeared for a week or two for no reason. I thought ok he’s not being serious. Since I’m very straightforward and don’t like beating around the bush I told him what I think about his behavior. But he was constantly assuring me that this is not how I think, that if he’s busy with something he always disappear… I didn’t get it then. He postponed our meeting 3 times. I started feeling resigned.
Also the fact he was still using this dating app was pushing me away. He was jealous about me having male friends who like my pictures on instagram, while he was still having profile on a dating app, claiming he’s not using it. We had a fight about it few times, I told him few how much it bothers me because I don’t feel like he’s treating me seriously and that I can’t trust him because of that. That if he wants to fool around it’s fine, just don’t mess with my head, because I’m not looking for fun. Each time he told me he deleted the account. Until I almost call it quits few months ago because I was exhausted with his hot and cold behavior. Then he told me about his Asperger.
When I found out I think I’ve read every single thing I could find on internet. Watched you tube videos, all forums. Trying to understand him and to know what he’s going through. I tried to learn how to talk to him, how to communicate things to him. He admitted that he’s afraid to see me, because in his eyes I’m perfect, and he’s scared to disappoint me and loose me. We finally met a month ago. He didn’t disappoint me, it was amazing. I totally accept him the way he is. He told me he loves me, and was so afraid to say it because it’s not easy for him. I fell in love too. But again, a week ago I found out he has this dating app and he’s actively using it. First he lied even though I showed him the proof. I just don’t understand it anymore. I’ve read so many times Aspies don’t lie, that they are faithful…
I don’t know anymore how to excuse him. He knew how much it bothered me and hurt my feelings. We had fights about this few times, every time it almost ended our relationship. Did he just manipulated me all the time? Told me what I wanted to hear ?
I told him I completely don’t understand his behavior, that it hurts even more after we’ve met, after we spend almost a week together. The worst is that I can’t talk to him about it, because he just shuts down. He just said he understands he’s gonna loose me now, that he’s sorry, that he was just bored and wanted to chat. But damn, he knew that this is unacceptable for me. Now of course we stopped talking, like he doesn’t care, like I never existed.
He opened up so much in front of me, talked to me about his childhood, diagnosis, we basically talked everyday for over a year now. Does he realize he did something wrong ? I tried to explain this to him so many times he was cheated before, he didn’t trust me at all at the beginning, yet he does something like that. Knowing the history of my past relationship.
Can someone please tell me, from your own perspective, what do you think ?
I’ll be grateful for every single answer.
And sorry if not all is correct. English is not my first language.

I have known ass beat to went on dating sites, just to make friends. That was confusing to other people who thought that someone’s on a dating site to be dating. Many ass bees, have more friends of the opposite sex than others. There is a theory that it is because they are socialized differently; less sexist many women love this about them, and is easy to understand. If it is possible, and it wouldn’t hurt you more, I would ask him why he is on the dating app you may find that he’s just there to make friends or answer, “I don’t know.” And he actually may not know.
I have two couples friends that is two couples that I know, and each one one of the people has Asperger’s and so is my boyfriend. In this case is, it is all men that are Aspies. These three men, although children are actually married, go through stages where they do not want to be in a relationship at all it is confusing to the women involved. There are many books on this.
When I met my first Aspie, I looked up books in which women had had successful relationships with men on the spectrum, because I knew that lots of therapist and psychiatrist will tell you that they cannot love which is not true, but they are certainly not for everyone. And disappearing acts, like Houdini are common.
You Tube videos by Mark Hutton or Asperger’s From the Inside OuT are good. Any book by Maxine Aston, is good. She is connected with Tony Atwood, he was probably the highest living authority on the subject.
Good Luck

 

[Cassielyn]

We had few times “bad moments”… he always shut off, and then after a while he comes back trying to repair things. It was even before I knew about him being an Aspie. He told me few times that he needs time to “process” things.
Thank you for replying

PS. My current boyfriend has suddenly left me five times in five years with no warning.

 

[Cassielyn]

I really need help and advice, because I have no idea what to think. I’ll start with saying that I’m not autistic. I never knew ( or didn’t know about it) anyone autistic before, and I have no one to ask.
Over one year ago I’ve met a guy on a dating app ( I had the app for a moment, opened it for totally other reasons than finding love) and we started regularly talking. He was from another country but location he had on my country. We started talking on instagram. At the beginning just getting to know each other, later he started flirting a bit. I started to enjoy our conversations and obviously liked him too. But I got the impression that he’s a “player”. He could talk to me for days and then disappeared for a week or two for no reason. I thought ok he’s not being serious. Since I’m very straightforward and don’t like beating around the bush I told him what I think about his behavior. But he was constantly assuring me that this is not how I think, that if he’s busy with something he always disappear… I didn’t get it then. He postponed our meeting 3 times. I started feeling resigned.
Also the fact he was still using this dating app was pushing me away. He was jealous about me having male friends who like my pictures on instagram, while he was still having profile on a dating app, claiming he’s not using it. We had a fight about it few times, I told him few how much it bothers me because I don’t feel like he’s treating me seriously and that I can’t trust him because of that. That if he wants to fool around it’s fine, just don’t mess with my head, because I’m not looking for fun. Each time he told me he deleted the account. Until I almost call it quits few months ago because I was exhausted with his hot and cold behavior. Then he told me about his Asperger.
When I found out I think I’ve read every single thing I could find on internet. Watched you tube videos, all forums. Trying to understand him and to know what he’s going through. I tried to learn how to talk to him, how to communicate things to him. He admitted that he’s afraid to see me, because in his eyes I’m perfect, and he’s scared to disappoint me and loose me. We finally met a month ago. He didn’t disappoint me, it was amazing. I totally accept him the way he is. He told me he loves me, and was so afraid to say it because it’s not easy for him. I fell in love too. But again, a week ago I found out he has this dating app and he’s actively using it. First he lied even though I showed him the proof. I just don’t understand it anymore. I’ve read so many times Aspies don’t lie, that they are faithful…
I don’t know anymore how to excuse him. He knew how much it bothered me and hurt my feelings. We had fights about this few times, every time it almost ended our relationship. Did he just manipulated me all the time? Told me what I wanted to hear ?
I told him I completely don’t understand his behavior, that it hurts even more after we’ve met, after we spend almost a week together. The worst is that I can’t talk to him about it, because he just shuts down. He just said he understands he’s gonna loose me now, that he’s sorry, that he was just bored and wanted to chat. But damn, he knew that this is unacceptable for me. Now of course we stopped talking, like he doesn’t care, like I never existed.
He opened up so much in front of me, talked to me about his childhood, diagnosis, we basically talked everyday for over a year now. Does he realize he did something wrong ? I tried to explain this to him so many times he was cheated before, he didn’t trust me at all at the beginning, yet he does something like that. Knowing the history of my past relationship.
Can someone please tell me, from your own perspective, what do you think ?
I’ll be grateful for every single answer.
And sorry if not all is correct. English is not my first language.

PPS. Aspies absolutely DO lie. I could get three of them to tell you that in a heartbeat, and they would be honest about that. They all say that they lie when they’re scared so nasty is feeling cornered. They may lie children learn to lie at about age 5. Concealing the truth, is absolutely common among Aspies and others.

 

[Lilygh]

I would have chosen the car. We make horrible mistakes. I don’t like people, noise, confusion, etc. A car is something I can already understand. Airports are ridiculously difficult for me.

In my mind, women love conversation. What better place to talk peacefully than a car?

Yes but he told me he hates driving for so long and he told me he did it just to be able to take me from the airport.

We actually have that in common because I hate noisy places too.

I have known ass beat to went on dating sites, just to make friends. That was confusing to other people who thought that someone’s on a dating site to be dating. Many ass bees, have more friends of the opposite sex than others. There is a theory that it is because they are socialized differently; less sexist many women love this about them, and is easy to understand. If it is possible, and it wouldn’t hurt you more, I would ask him why he is on the dating app you may find that he’s just there to make friends or answer, “I don’t know.” And he actually may not know.
I have two couples friends that is two couples that I know, and each one one of the people has Asperger’s and so is my boyfriend. In this case is, it is all men that are Aspies. These three men, although children are actually married, go through stages where they do not want to be in a relationship at all it is confusing to the women involved. There are many books on this.
When I met my first Aspie, I looked up books in which women had had successful relationships with men on the spectrum, because I knew that lots of therapist and psychiatrist will tell you that they cannot love which is not true, but they are certainly not for everyone. And disappearing acts, like Houdini are common.
You Tube videos by Mark Hutton or Asperger’s From the Inside OuT are good. Any book by Maxine Aston, is good. She is connected with Tony Atwood, he was probably the highest living authority on the subject.
Good Luck

I asked him few times why he’s doing it, he told me he was bored and wanted to chat or that he wanted to practice Spanish language etc. his last answer was “I don’t know, I know it’s awful because I don’t want anything from them”
I told him many times, that it bothers me, makes me feel uncomfortable, like I’m not enough.

We almost ended this relationship because of it few times. That hurts me, that he knows because I specifically explained him why I don’t like it, he agreed, he said he wouldn’t want me to do the same, but yet this is exactly what he did again…
He was making me jealous scenes about just guys liking my pictures, but can not understand why I don’t accept him being on a dating app? I told him that the fact he’s just giving all these women “likes” and start conversations with them hurts as hell.
Besides he has 4 really close friends. So I don’t get why would he have the need to find more

 

[Lilygh]

PS. My current boyfriend has suddenly left me five times in five years with no warning.

And he was coming back??
I was angry I told him how he made me feel… he barely responded like he just doesn’t care anymore. Not the first time anyway.

 

[AspieChris]

And he was coming back??
I was angry I told him how he made me feel… he barely responded like he just doesn’t care anymore. Not the first time anyway.

There’s a big difference between not caring and not understanding. When I’m confused, I become absolutely terrified of saying the wrong thing and making the situation worse. I’m in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight and I freeze up. Seeing it in person probably would make a little sense because I actually stop moving. But if it’s through messages, I can only imagine that it would appear as ‘ghosting’, and the logical assumption would be that I’m off doing something else.

It took my wife many years to see this behavior as anything but rude. She felt like I stopped talking because I don’t care enough to communicate, or enough to validate her feelings. But she’s beginning to understand that it’s because I’m scared and I can’t think. Sometimes it’s actually me trying to stop a meltdown before it starts.

Also, when I shut down:
If she asks me a question and I get confused or scared, I shut down instantly. Everyone’s goal is to get me back into the conversation, right? The absolute worst thing she can do is follow it with “Why aren’t you responding!?”, or “What are you thinking”, or other questions that make me feel like my silence is the new problem. I feel like my world is imploding and I’m making it worse because I can’t speak, and that feeling of making it worse is amplifying my fear.

 

[Lilygh]

There’s a big difference between not caring and not understanding. When I’m confused, I become absolutely terrified of saying the wrong thing and making the situation worse. I’m in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight and I freeze up. Seeing it in person probably would make a little sense because I actually stop moving. But if it’s through messages, I can only imagine that it would appear as ‘ghosting’, and the logical assumption would be that I’m off doing something else.

It took my wife many years to see this behavior as anything but rude. She felt like I stopped talking because I don’t care enough to communicate, or enough to validate her feelings. But she’s beginning to understand that it’s because I’m scared and I can’t think. Sometimes it’s actually me trying to stop a meltdown before it starts.

Also, when I shut down:
If she asks me a question and I get confused or scared, I shut down instantly. Everyone’s goal is to get me back into the conversation, right? The absolute worst thing she can do is follow it with “Why aren’t you responding!?”, or “What are you thinking”, or other questions that make me feel like my silence is the new problem. I feel like my world is imploding and I’m making it worse because I can’t speak, and that feeling of making it worse is amplifying my fear.

Ive seen this once with him, when I asked him something and he got scared too. I know what you mean. I learn everyday.

Can I ask you, if you would be in this situation and you would do something wrong ( I mean I have every right to be angry with him and disappointed) but you would know how much someone loves and cares about you, after this meltdown, would you try to approach this person and try to fix things?? I’m scared to be the one reaching out to him… I don’t want him to think he can constantly do things that hurt me and I’ll be coming back. I’m sure he knows how much I care for him.

 

[AspieChris]

Ive seen this once with him, when I asked him something and he got scared too. I know what you mean. I learn everyday.

Can I ask you, if you would be in this situation and you would do something wrong ( I mean I have every right to be angry with him and disappointed) but you would know how much someone loves and cares about you, after this meltdown, would you try to approach this person and try to fix things?? I’m scared to be the one reaching out to him… I don’t want him to think he can constantly do things that hurt me and I’ll be coming back. I’m sure he knows how much I care for him.

I cannot read emotions. I have learned that a smile means happy, and a frown means sad. But understanding something like love, where there’s no specific thing to look for, is a mystery.

Let’s say I said something that hurt you. I was making a joke (at least I thought it was a joke), but it was hurtful. I immediately think you hate me because all I see is anger and that it’s my fault. In my younger days, I would then assume the relationship is over. “How could she be that angry and still love me?” I only see emotion in black and white. Love, hate, sadness. There’s nothing in the middle. And any negative emotions from her feel like they will last literally forever.

 

[AspieChris]

My wife has learned to start any angry conversation with something like “I still love you and I’m not mad at you, but…..” Otherwise I shut down before the second word makes it out of her mouth. Even if she’s angry at someone else.

Also…. believe it or not. I can feel her anger or frustration through a text message. Even if that message is only “Hello”

 

[Lilygh]

I cannot read emotions. I have learned that a smile means happy, and a frown means sad. But understanding something like love, where there’s no specific thing to look for, is a mystery.

Let’s say I said something that hurt you. I was making a joke (at least I thought it was a joke), but it was hurtful. I immediately think you hate me because all I see is anger and that it’s my fault. In my younger days, I would then assume the relationship is over. “How could she be that angry and still love me?” I only see emotion in black and white. Love, hate, sadness. There’s nothing in the middle. And any negative emotions from her feel like they will last literally forever.

Your younger days ? He’s over 30…
Really you wouldn’t even try? Even if you would care about someone ?
So for example if you’re angry with your wife ( unless she never makes you angry, then you’re lucky ) you don’t love her at the same time while you’re angry? Sorry for probably stupid questions, but I’m trying to understand this way different way of thinking than mine. I’m new at this.

 

[AspieChris]

Your younger days ? He’s over 30…
Really you wouldn’t even try? Even if you would care about someone ?
So for example if you’re angry with your wife ( unless she never makes you angry, then you’re lucky ) you don’t love her at the same time while you’re angry? Sorry for probably stupid questions, but I’m trying to understand this way different way of thinking than mine. I’m new at this.

There are no stupid questions.

I made a promise that means more to me than my life. When it’s my wife, I find a way. But I’m unusual in that way.

It’s not about love. It’s about fear. I’m not afraid of guns or disease. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of anger (in someone else, anyone else).

As for “my younger days”…. I grew up before there was an internet. Life was different. I had to grow up faster than people do today. Learn, fight, or die.

I recognize the person you describe. He was me when I was 20. I barely lived through my 20’s. Suicide was on my mind daily because of the stress of not understanding. I was fortunate to get a consistent career and find my (now) wife, who helped me when I didn’t know I had Asperger’s. She is either a Saint or an idiot. I believe she is a great person who fell in love with a great person who is different.

Falling for me has meant that my wife’s life has been turned upside down. I can’t travel for more than a day or two without a meltdown. I lose my mind if I don’t get to bed at the exact same time every night. I’ll eat the same exact lunch every day for 10 years. I don’t want a retirement fund or life insurance… and I don’t know why. But NONE of these things will EVER change, and she has no choice but to be happy enough or leave me.

I’m 50. I have a home that is paid off, no rent or mortgage, in one of the most expensive places in the USA. I’m an excellent mechanic, plumber, electrician, etc. I am a catch for a 50 year old woman, but is he a project you want to commit to until he’s a catch in 20 years?

 

[Lilygh]

There are no stupid questions.

I made a promise that means more to me than my life. When it’s my wife, I find a way. But I’m unusual in that way.

It’s not about love. It’s about fear. I’m not afraid of guns or disease. I’m afraid of change. I’m afraid of anger (in someone else, anyone else).

As for “my younger days”…. I grew up before there was an internet. Life was different. I had to grow up faster than people do today. Learn, fight, or die.

I recognize the person you describe. He was me when I was 20. I barely lived through my 20’s. Suicide was on my mind daily because of the stress of not understanding. I was fortunate to get a consistent career and find my (now) wife, who helped me when I didn’t know I had Asperger’s. She is either a Saint or an idiot. I believe she is a great person who fell in love with a great person who is different.

Falling for me has meant that my wife’s life has been turned upside down. I can’t travel for more than a day or two without a meltdown. I lose my mind if I don’t get to bed at the exact same time every night. I’ll eat the same exact lunch every day for 10 years. I don’t want a retirement fund or life insurance… and I don’t know why. But NONE of these things will EVER change, and she has no choice but to be happy enough or leave me.

I’m 50. I have a home that is paid off, no rent or mortgage, in one of the most expensive places in the USA. I’m an excellent mechanic, plumber, electrician, etc. I am a catch for a 50 year old woman, but is he a project you want to commit to until he’s a catch in 20 years?

Thank you so much for replying.
While I was here, trying to find a solution of this situation, naively believed he’s a good guy, he reopened his dating profile, adding like 10 other girls on his instagram.
I’m shocked how stupid I was and how well he manipulated me. I must admit he was very convincing. Too bad the first Aspie I’ve met turned out to be like this. I was really involved and ready for “sacrifices”. Not wanting a relationship is fine, but lying about wanting it and about loving someone is just… not understandable for me.
You and your wife are lucky you found each other!

 

[AspieChris]

Yeah… your best best is to get out now. He might not be a ‘bad’ guy, but he’s probably very immature. Even children can do really bad things.

 

[AspieChris]

You’re not stupid. You’re learning

Men with Asperger’s deserve to be loved, but only if they are willing to do the things that are asked of them from the person who they want love from. If they lie, cheat, or steal…. then they are probably not mature enough to be in a relationship.

You tried to make it work. Obviously you were trying harder than he was. This part is no different than being with a ‘normal’ partner.

 

[Lilygh]

Yeah… your best best is to get out now. He might not be a ‘bad’ guy, but he’s probably very immature. Even children can do really bad things.

Maybe he’s not a bad guy. But this is how I see him now unfortunately. I’m just very hurt. We’ve met just by accident.
Over one year ago I’ve been through the worst experience in my life. For few years I was living abroad, my boyfriend was from a different country than I. When I came to visit my family alone cuz he was working… he broke up with me. It’s been a shock for me, our friends and my family. He was just “such a good guy”. Literally you would have to know him to understand. Two months later he went to meet his fiancée (arranged marriage… in Europe) , meanwhile he did a tattoo of me. 4 months later I found out he married her. Yes, my best friend, my partner and someone I trusted like no one else before was lying to me since the beginning of our 4 year relationship. Not just him, but also his family who knew about everything from the beginning. They’ve watched me changing my whole life for him. I called his parents “mom” and “dad”.
Coming back to this Aspie… he knew about this. He knew how much I don’t trust people, yet, he did everything he could to make me believe and trust that his intentions towards me are pure.
He was keep saying how loyalty is the most important thing for him. I’m so hurt again, and terrified that good and honest people don’t exist anymore.
Thank you for your time and responses, your wife is very lucky that she found an Aspie like you.

 

[AspieChris]

Maybe he’s not a bad guy. But this is how I see him now unfortunately. I’m just very hurt. We’ve met just by accident.
Over one year ago I’ve been through the worst experience in my life. For few years I was living abroad, my boyfriend was from a different country than I. When I came to visit my family alone cuz he was working… he broke up with me. It’s been a shock for me, our friends and my family. He was just “such a good guy”. Literally you would have to know him to understand. Two months later he went to meet his fiancée (arranged marriage… in Europe) , meanwhile he did a tattoo of me. 4 months later I found out he married her. Yes, my best friend, my partner and someone I trusted like no one else before was lying to me since the beginning of our 4 year relationship. Not just him, but also his family who knew about everything from the beginning. They’ve watched me changing my whole life for him. I called his parents “mom” and “dad”.
Coming back to this Aspie… he knew about this. He knew how much I don’t trust people, yet, he did everything he could to make me believe and trust that his intentions towards me are pure.
He was keep saying how loyalty is the most important thing for him. I’m so hurt again, and terrified that good and honest people don’t exist anymore.
Thank you for your time and responses, your wife is very lucky that she found an Aspie like you.

Long distance relationships are very difficult, and they almost never last. And it’s a lot worse now because it’s so easy to lie or cheat. My advice to anyone in your situation is to stop meeting people online. The internet is a huge place and bad people take advantage of the fact that you can be close emotionally but very far apart physically.

When I was single (a thousand years ago), having 2 girlfriends meant that there was a fear of getting caught. Spending time with the first girlfriend might end up running into the second girlfriend at a restaurant or the movies. It was harder to meet the right person, but it was more likely that you could have a relationship without fear that they were already in a relationship. Today it’s easy to have multiple relationships and there’s no chance of getting caught. And it’s so easy to lie about big things, like how old you are.

Don’t give up on the internet. But maybe just look around the place where you live, or work. The best partner for you would probably be someone who shares your interests, like reading books or bicycling. And if you find an Aspie who likes what you like….. Grab him and don’t let go.

And I agree…. My wife and I were very lucky to find eachother. We met at work. We started as friends. It’s the best way to start a romance, knowing eachother first.

 

[paloftoon]

It's hard to make long distance relationships work, especially in another country. Maybe it's not technically a relationship if you haven't even met in-person once. I think this guy doesn't want to lose his options, and that's okay. I think you should offer to meet this guy at a hotel near you (since you are interested in him and it's been awhile) and if he is unable to make it to your country, end it or keep things platonic only.

 

[Outdated]

I really feel for you in this thread. And I'm sorry that this man is your first experience with autism. Autism does explain why he shuts down when stressed but has nothing to do with him being a faithless dickhead.

And most high function autistic people are very good at manipulation, it's part of the masking that we learn in order to be able to survive in a complex society. Most of us share all the same traits as a sociopath, the only difference being that we do love and care. Well, most of us do anyway.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship myself, both of us high function autistics. One that started off as the most magical experience of my entire life but is now becoming difficult. I'm not sure how that's going to turn out, Maybe it's over or maybe it's just part of the process of the relationship becoming more mature.

But neither of us is doing anything that would cause jealousy and neither of us is deliberately being hurtful to the other.

 

[Lilygh]

It's hard to make long distance relationships work, especially in another country. Maybe it's not technically a relationship if you haven't even met in-person once. I think this guy doesn't want to lose his options, and that's okay. I think you should offer to meet this guy at a hotel near you (since you are interested in him and it's been awhile) and if he is unable to make it to your country, end it or keep things platonic only.

Oh no, we’ve met already. We spent few days together. 4 weeks ago. Yes of course it’s okay to not want relationship etc. but it’s not okay saying someone you love them and you want to be with them, but behind their back doing something opposite. He was saying one thing and doing the other. I clearly told him multiple times that I want serious relationship and he said he wants the same. He was even the one who was convincing me that he can move. So it wasn’t just innocence flirting.