Rambling

Nowadays i am always exhausted. I have a job but i still don't have any friends at work. The people around me seem so energetic and they do everything so fast. They seem to run on an instinctual path as opposed to me, stumbling in the dark barely seeing anything or understanding what anything means.

I wish i was still friends with my ex best friend, i am scared sometimes to imagine what will happen after my parents die. She was pretty understanding of my quirks, i wonder why she decided to leave. I guess i will never know.

Maybe i am meant to be alone, i guess i could get a boyfriend if i wanted but there is no one i connect with, and the people who constantly try to talk to me seem annoying and shallow. I think they act the same to any girl that shows them attention, they are not picky. And of course if they knew about my weirdness they will leave too. I don't want a bf or husband i can't feel close to, and besides only having a spouse and no friends the relationship would be strange. I know this from my parents' relationship. So, i don't want a bf or husband at the moment.

I want to have people i feel close to, close like family that i can rely on. But i am coming to terms with the fact that will not happen either. I will have to rely on myself for survival. And someday i will die, and i will keep this secret with me to my grave