Your Love or Your Life?

[Cali Cat]

Cherishing that wonderful, admirable Aspie lady who is yourself, means making choices to prioritize your needs. One of the things we need is stability. That is a non-negotiable for most of us. Despite your profound loss and pain, I also believe you did the right thing.

My deep compassion for your suffering. I understand you feel this so very deeply right now. The further you get from this event, the more clarity you will have about why this was a wise decision.

Yes, stability is very important to my state of mind. Without it, I am a basket case and no good to myself or anyone else. I can handle a crisis situation pretty well, but not ongoing turmoil. I'm an emotional sprinter, not a long-distance runner.

I am imagining you taking the time to process this, to heal.
Creating and designing a more secure, stable, suitable environment and life for yourself.
Then, taking the time to enjoyably indulge your Aspie interests, to grow, develop, and explore whatever intrigues.

That's exactly what I'm doing at the moment. I'm using the last of my savings to renovate my house so that it will be comfortable for me as a single woman, and I'll be surrounded by a beauty of a sorts. At least my senses won't constantly be accosted by the things that currently annoy me about my home.

After I'm done with the house, I'm going to get a good job. I'm giving up my self-employed status because it is just too much responsibility. I just want to go to work, come home and forget it. Self-employment is 24/7, seven days a week. Plus, my type of work currently has no routine, and routine is important to me.

Once I get a regular income, I plan to indulge in other DIY projects around the house. DIY is a long-time obsession of mine. I want to find charming pieces of furniture that need restoration and make them unique for my home. Also, I want to re-landscape and decorate my yard eventually.

Some day, distracted by all the fun you're having with your projects and adventures, you may be discovered by someone solid, calm, sensitive, and who finds your unique traits especially endearing.

This is one of the things I miss about my ex. He appreciated me for my eccentricities rather than in spite of them.

I hope you feel better soon.

If we were closer, I'd bring you some tangerines and let you borrow a plush dinosaur.

Aww, thank you. I do have a cuddly cat that I often hug for security. She's really good about letting me do it too.

 

[Warmheart]

Maybe your job will be as a librarian. In a library with lots of books. And quiet. Plus tea of many herbal varieties on your breaks. Maybe you'll be the research librarian, good at sleuthing out info online or in archives. When you come home, your cat will happily hog the limelight. Or a completely dissimilar job, but at the end of the day, your cat will still enjoy a more relaxed, happy, safe you.

 

[Cali Cat]

Maybe your job will be as a librarian. In a library with lots of books. And quiet. Plus tea of many herbal varieties on your breaks. Maybe you'll be the research librarian, good at sleuthing out info online or in archives. When you come home, your cat will happily hog the limelight. Or a completely dissimilar job, but at the end of the day, your cat will still enjoy a more relaxed, happy, safe you.

Oh, I would love to have the job of a research librarian. That would be my dream come true!

 

[robertsomerville]

No judgement from me. I'm just curious who feels they would/could put forth the emotional effort to stay in spite of the hardship. I just didn't feel I could.

By the way, may I ask how old you are?

21 (22 next month), I also suffer from alcoholism

 

[Cali Cat]

21 (22 next month), I also suffer from alcoholism

I'm sorry to hear you are afflicted with alcoholism. If it's anything like a nicotine addiction, it's not easy to quit and stay quit.

Often, when people are young, they are more romantic, tend to have greater hope and have more energy to devote to someone else. That's why you see people in unhappy relationships later in life. They thought they could handle it when they were young and, through financial and familial ties, they got trapped in a tough situation that is no longer bearable emotionally or psychologically.

 

[robertsomerville]

2 months ago my heart was torn apart, my ex girlfriend cheated and apparently is prostituting herself (her words not mine). She is a heavy drinker too, but she never used to be until 2 months ago... She's a very ill person and I hold no grudge against her, but I'm done. I won't do this again. "Love bites"

 

[robertsomerville]

I'm sorry to hear you are afflicted with alcoholism. If it's anything like a nicotine addiction, it's not easy to quit and stay quit.

Often, when people are young, they are more romantic, tend to have greater hope and have more energy to devote to someone else. That's why you see people in unhappy relationships later in life. They thought they could handle it when they were young and, through financial and familial ties, they got trapped in a tough situation that is no longer bearable emotionally or psychologically.

Yes, you are right, but I'm honestly done with it. I spent so many sleepless nights thinking about what she did. I almost killed myself. I was my happiest when I was single, even the thought of relationships & sex makes me sick to my stomach.

 

[Cali Cat]

I was my happiest when I was single, even the thought of relationships & sex makes me sick to my stomach.

I know what you mean. I think you got a worse deal than I did. That's terrible! I'm sorry.

 

[Rayner]

You are very wise for your years!

I think what really hurts is seeing the potential in him, but knowing he will never achieve it. Knowing what a sweet, quiet, classy and intelligent man he can be, and watching him change into a loud, irrational, nasty and vulgar human being.

So, yes. I guess I want to change him in that way. Not into something else, but just into himself minus the evil twin that emerges when he drinks or uses any mind-altering substances.

It's sad that he has as much potential for evil as he has for good.

Also, it hurts to lose the one person I could share certain interests with who truly understood and appreciated them. That is very rare for me. I loved the way we could communicate by sending YouTube songs back and forth to each other. We are both very much into music and lyrics. It was magical for both of us. We were so in tune with each other (no pun intended, but it is a good one ).

We also always reacted to things similarly, and even said the same things at the same moment way too frequently to be coincidence. It's like we were cosmic twins.

I think I'm basically railing at the gods because it was like almost winning the lottery. I almost had all the numbers but was off by only one. Except in the lottery of love, you don't get a consolation prize. It's winner take all. In fact, you lose time, money and effort in the process. You wouldn't believe how much I invested and lost.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and maybe you can avoid some of the pitfalls of life if you don't let your heart lead you too much. Compassion is important, but martyrdom is taking it too far.

Thank you for your insightful observations, Rayner.

Thank.


Thank you for your compliment. I can't imagine the heartache your suffering from. Kelly means the world to me, my world without her would be a cold, dark place. Although I can't help but think that if he genuinely cared about you, he would have treated you better.

 

[robertsomerville]

I know what you mean. I think you got a worse deal than I did. That's terrible! I'm sorry.

I can't blame her. I would be lying to you if I said I was the perfect boyfriend. I think your ex is a good person, getting sober terrifies me. He probably feels the same way, but for your own sanity I do think it's best you two part ways. Just remember you're not alone suffering, I'll say a prayer for you.

 

[Jim Lee]

IMO, a person addicted to alcohol or any other substance, is already in a relationship. Not only that, they will consistently put that substance first, no matter who or what they get involved with. "

This is true. Before I quit drinking (about 30 years ago), nothing mattered more than my relationship with alcohol. Not my wife, girl friend, Mother, Father, brother, sister. friend or anything else in my life. As bad as it sounds, after a few drinks, all of life's problems dissolved. The women in my life did not have that power. How could they ? The good news, if there is any, is that if the person decides to quit, you will see a total change in them.
For the alcoholic, the decision to stop drinking or to die, is a difficult choice.

 

[Melle]

Age 36 - with asperger's

I can relate to this one. I used to have a problem with heroin from the time I was 23 until december of 2014. I went on suboxone and they wanted me to take 16 mg a day! 8mg is way too much! I have been off the suboxone since October and I feel much better. I never did well with going to meetings, I am not very social, I am not comfortable around people. Going to those groups make me want to get high. I can tell you this, he has to want his sobriety for himself. He can not do it for you, just as I could not do it for anyone but myself. I am currently involved with someone who had a problem with crack and ended up on parole because of it. I was still on suboxone when I got involved and he made it clear to me that he did not want a girl that sticks needles in her skin. I had wanted it for myself and knowing that there was someone who cared for me that I can relate to helped me get through that, but in the end I had to want it. This is a decision (and not an easy one) that you will have to choose for yourself. Does he express an interest in pulling himself together? Has he ever mentioned it to you? Is he aware that there is even a problem?

 

[Cali Cat]

This is a decision (and not an easy one) that you will have to choose for yourself. Does he express an interest in pulling himself together? Has he ever mentioned it to you? Is he aware that there is even a problem?

Yes, he has expressed concern over his drinking, and he wants to stop. I know he can see it is a problem that is adversely affecting his life.

I was going to update this thread anyway. Might as well do it here ...

Last week, he drove 1,500 miles just to see me for two days, and then drove another 1,500 miles back. He wanted to talk about our future face to face. Therefore, I know the relationship is probably at least the second most important thing in his life, next to the alcohol.

He did drink some while he was here, but not as much or as often as he drank when we were living together. I can see he's improving, because he hasn't been drunk since he returned home either. I can tell when he's drunk, even in text messages.

He has quit in the past for many years, and I'd say he's highly motivated now. I'm sure there will be relapses, but as long as he keeps trying, I think he can do it. I wasn't as sure before he made the trip out here, but I'm convinced he is a man who can accomplish what he wants to do regardless of how intimidating the task might seem.

I've made my decision to stick with him through this. Also, I made it clear that when he moves out here in the next few months we will no longer be drinking, and that I only allowed it this time because I didn't want an argument. So, he knows what to expect.

Now, the ball is back in his court, and we'll see if he can hang on to it.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

I'm in my mid-30s, and my advice is "listen to your head" on this one. Hard as it is to believe, our hearts - mine, yours, everybody's - can and do lie to us. They try to convince us that if we just give more of ourselves, we can somehow force the other person to change like we want them to. But in truth, it just doesn't work that way. No one can force another to change, if the second person has no desire for it. I know this hurts tremendously; I've been there, but not regarding alcohol. For reasons beyond our understanding, there's people in the world who simply refuse to help themselves...and any attempt by us to "fill the void" only enables more self-destruction. If you really love this man, let him know with absolute certainty, its either you or the booze. He has to pick one or the other, and can't keep both.

 

[Cali Cat]

I'm in my mid-30s, and my advice is "listen to your head" on this one. Hard as it is to believe, our hearts - mine, yours, everybody's - can and do lie to us. They try to convince us that if we just give more of ourselves, we can somehow force the other person to change like we want them to. But in truth, it just doesn't work that way. No one can force another to change, if the second person has no desire for it. I know this hurts tremendously; I've been there, but not regarding alcohol. For reasons beyond our understanding, there's people in the world who simply refuse to help themselves...and any attempt by us to "fill the void" only enables more self-destruction. If you really love this man, let him know with absolute certainty, its either you or the booze. He has to pick one or the other, and can't keep both.

True, hearts do lie, and minds forget. It's like the heart fairy sprinkles dumb dust all over your brain so that you forget what happened the last time you tried to make things work.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

True, hearts do lie, and minds forget. It's like the heart fairy sprinkles "dumb dust" all over your brain so that you forget what happened the last time you tried to make things work.

That's not always a bad thing; forgiveness does work wonders when applied correctly. But trust is a very fickle thing; you can forgive somebody and still be unwilling to open yourself up in the same way. Sadly, I learned that from experience; my ex didn't even comfort me when my Mom died last year. For all I know, she could think I made it up. I've pulled a few pranks in my day, and have gone too far on occasion...but never with something as important as that. My mother was the only person in the world, who I loved more than my ex, and she knew it. In fact, many of our fights were about my heeding Mom's advice over hers.

 

[Mia]

Had been reluctant to answer this thread as the subject matter is sadly familiar, but, I chose a reasonable life. My ancestors were alcoholics. Either the war made them that way, or they had been before. Neither of my parents drank.

All of my siblings with the exception of myself are alcoholics. It's been soul destroying to watch it happen over my lifetime; destruction at family events, comatose individuals with their faces falling into plates of christmas dinners, thanksgiving dinners or easter dinners.

This is my concern Cali Cat, eventually, no matter how strong your character is that you could fall into this as well. Alcoholism is a sneaky thing and it takes years before anyone notices just how reliant they've become.

It's why I have very little contact with my biological family, each time I go they offer alcohol at different times of the day, as if it were a normal state to drink all day, every day. Under the guise of sociability they offer alcohol. It's a slow and creeping manipulation, and takes years to become aware of and finally when you are cognizant of it, it's too late.

 

[Vanadium50]

Have been reluctant to answer this thread as the subject matter is so sadly familiar, but, I chose life.

I am not reluctant to answer it at all. In fact, I am glad you asked since this gives me a chance to vent as to how STRONGLY I feel it is LIFE and how much I am pissed off at scammers who think its LOVE. I think the main problem with scammers is that they are so taken by LOVE that they can't see more "mundane" problems such as the financial difficulties they cause to their victims. No they are not playing damn, they honestly feel this way, as exemplified by someone who scammed me in order to help the orphans. Now, that was obviously NOT a romance scam (we are both men, and both straight), but it shines a light on how scammers operate in general. Since scammers are so concerned about orphans, then maybe the ones that do romance scams are merely projecting their own inner idealism into the rest of the world

 

[Kupu2]

Almost mid 40s.

It is his journey. Only he can make the decision as to whether it is himself, the alcohol, you or the two of you he chooses. Only you can choose whether it is you, the alcohol/him/you relationship or the him/you relationship you want. If you are on the you/him path, your choices will align. Still, no guarantees that is forever...

Any combo that will be will be. In the meantime, there are those confusing, painful things called feelings, hopes and dreams to contend with.

 

[Annieoh]

I am sorry to say that an addict can only be in relationship with his substance.
He cannot be present with you. I'm so very sorry.