Why is living apart sometimes best for a marriage?

[Needingspace]

Thank you so much jacinto for helping me to understand how you would feel in my husband's shoes. I'm so grateful that we've had decades of struggle that have resulted in my understanding how he feels and reacts to things, which means that now, very often, I can start my conversations with him in positive ways to avoid the pitfalls. But, hearing what you're saying, I shall be very careful to reassure him a lot along the way. I had planned to leave it until much nearer the time, when it might be possible to set things up, before talking to him about it. But it didn't happen that way, and I can see now how much better it is for him to have plenty of opportunities to talk it all through and adjust gradually. I really appreciate your input. Thank you.

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you SusanLR . Yes, that's what I want to do really, be able to enjoy each other's company and feel free to be loving because I don't feel so wound up all the time. You've really given me some useful insight into how I can continue the conversation with him. Thank you.

 

[Major Tom]

I would LOVE to live separately.. I am even considering remodeling one of my sheds into a living area for me. I need space too, the weekends are nearly unbearable and almost always end up in quarrels and negativity. I also appreciate quiet and not having to hear "someone" constantly sighing or complaining with no end in sight.. I can feel your pain and hope you can work something out.

 

[Needingspace]

Thank you Major Tom. I guess from the reference to someone sighing that you are on the spectrum, rather than NT? From my experience anyway, it's the NT that tries to sit on their emotions but can't quite keep it in, and the AS who lets it all out. I do appreciate your recognition that it's painful! One of my many frustrations is that so many NT people around me think I should be grateful for such a wonderful husband, and when I try to explain how he behaves at home, they don't really believe me! Can you suggest anything, please, that I could point out to my husband to help him recognise how this different arrangement could help him?

 

[jacinto]

I would love to have a relationship that I could feel close,
loving, and know you're there for each other.
It doesn't need to be marriage or living together,
just living near to each other and enjoying each other's
company.

That's why I never married or lived with anyone.
I don't like to feel totally alone, yet on the other hand
I don't enjoy the 24/7 either.
It feels too confining to always be aware that everything
I do involves keeping in mind how it will make someone else feel.
The freedom to just be is taken away.

Planning your daily routine then suddenly the other
says something like, "Let's go to Sam's Club for household goods. Ready?"
Blows my day and if I refuse it blows his.
It seems much more special to make time
to do things together or if you don't want to do something at the time, it doesn't seem so bad to say
no, maybe some other day like...?

I guess I just don't like to feel suffocated to deadlines
and commitments. And know someone is always there
to see everything you do or question it or suddenly think
you should do what they want spontaneously.
I never was comfortable with company staying in my house. Nor I staying as company in someone elses house.

Living together may be wonderful for some.
Maybe it's just one of those things I can't relate to
like so many other things that are common in life to others.
Seperate but apart would be wonderful for me.

You're right, that actually doesn't seem that bad all. I do totally need my own zone. I don't know why I said anything, I haven't been anywhere near a relationship in a very long time. Don't go anywhere. Don't like the small talk that is so essential to meeting people. I hate talking on the phone, so even on rare occasions when my will & fate are in alignment & I get a phone number, it's useless to me: long heavy silences, desperate and panicked monologues about things I like, asking about her interests only to hear the most vague, all-encompassing answers because everyone wants to be cosmopolitan. Dating sites just...no. And everybody's so full of it on there. I'm not gonna write "sales pitches" about how great I am. I've tried and even just alone looking at the site without anyone else around I felt so embarrassed both for myself & other people that suddenly being alone is just no great hardship in comparison.

I got way off-topic, I'm sorry. Yes, I guess the women in my life must've given me a lot of space. They definitely had skills at social wizardry & covered for me.

 

[Needingspace]

I got way off-topic, I'm sorry.

No, you didn't go way off topic at all jacinto; it's all relevant and I've found what you've said helpful. Your describing how things are for you helps me to understand my husband better. Thank you.