When did you find out that you were supposed to interact with people?

[Mary Terry]

I'm NT. It's an innate, instinctive, natural thing for NT children to interact with other people, starting in infancy with their mothers. It's not something NT children have to be told or taught. The failure of a child to interact with others may be the first clue that a child may be autistic, hearing impaired, or has psychological issues.

NT children do need to be taught how to respond to people who bully or hurt them, how to identify other people who are potentially abusive, and how to handle their own emotions so as not to become bullies or abusive themselves. Call it the "golden rule", "empathy", "herd mentality", or whatever label is preferred, it's just natural for NTs to interact and to want to interact with others.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I knew I was supposed to interact with people, but have been very slow in learning how.

I remember being told as child to not interrupt adults, to not squeeze past someone who's blocking the door, to start a conversation with "hello" or some other greeting, to say thank you when someone gives you something, not to correct adults too often because they start to get angry, etc. My reaction was always, "Oh, I didn't know that", and I'd file that rule away for future reference.

I remember as a young adult being told by my Dad that when people go out together, sometimes one person pays and sometimes another does, and I should pay sometimes. Okay, another rule to add.

Even now, I forget the rules when I'm preoccupied. I may go to lunch with a friend, have a great time, and be in the process of leaving. My mentality is: We're done interacting, I'm leaving and going on to the next thing. But I have to stop myself at the last minute, and turn around to say, "Thanks, this was fun" before I leave.

 

[the_tortoise]

Okay, after seeing others responses I should clarify, I interacted with others from infancy. Just not as much as an NT child and often in atypical ways, very much on my own terms.

I'd say that there is an important distinction between understanding when and how others expect you to interact and drive to seek out interaction/connecton/company.....an autistic person who has the drive to be social with others all the time may have no sense at all of when they are supposed to interact (i.e. when others do/do not want to interact with them and in what particular ways), just like an autistic person who has little/no drive to socialize.

I think both NT and autistic children have to learn others expectations for when interaction is expected (I don't believe it is some magical skill NTs are born with), and how it is done -- NTs just have an easier time of learning.

 

[sushiandsake]

How old were you and how was that moment for you? What happened that made you realize that. I would be glad if not only aspies/autistics answered but also NT's

I think i was in second grade when i realized i had to look at people. Then by fourth grade i realized i could have my own opinion. I remained shy and never really interacted much. I had one friend in grade school but felt awkward alone with her. Same in highschool. Same now, actually. I have a couple of criebds but soend majority of time alone. I have a dog.

 

[Progster]

Okay, after seeing others responses I should clarify, I interacted with others from infancy. Just not as much as an NT child and often in atypical ways, very much on my own terms.

Yes, same here. I interacted, but atypically. And still often do. I didn't know how to interact in a social manner and gradually had to learn this.

 

[Mr Allen]

Probably aged about 5.

I used to interact with kids at school, particularly this one black girl, I'd never seen a black person before at the time so I used to call her "Chocolate legs" (meh, it was 1981, I was 5, I didn't know about racism), and she called me the "Milky Bar Kid", it was a bit of harmless racial banter between kids.

 

[Mary Terry]

Let me try to clarify my response, too. The question posed is "when did you find out that you were supposed to interact with people?' NT children naturally and instinctively interact with people from infancy and do not have to be told or taught that social interaction is expected. They already know that. They are born knowing and wanting that.

NT children and autistic children both need to be taught good manners which facilitate social interaction, such as saying "good morning" or "thank you" or "please", not to hit other children to get their way or to push and shove other people, etc. Manners and the expectation of manners are taught to NT children if they don't figure it out on their own, the same as autistic children. But socially polite manners are not the same as social interaction.

A simple example of the social interaction differences between autistic and NT children is that an NT toddler will sit on the floor and roll a ball toward you, you then roll the ball back to the child who then gleefully rolls it back to you. That is social interaction. Many autistic kids won't do that and will stare blankly into space or wander off in self-absorption; they won't voluntarily interact with others and show no pleasure in interacting with others. Another example is that NT children will look at an interesting sight such as an airplane or elephant when someone points it out to them. Autistic children often exhibit no interest and will not even look when something is pointed out to them that is interesting to other children. They are often socially disengaged and detached. They often do not respond to someone calling their name. They have to learn that social interaction is expected whereas NT children interact very early in life by studying their mother's faces, staring into their mother and father's eyes, babbling to others which whom they make direct eye contact when they are learning to talk, easily playing with others at a age appropriate level without being forced to do so. They just do it. It's innate for NT kids.

 

[Nervous Rex]

NT children naturally and instinctively interact with people from infancy and do not have to be told or taught that social interaction is expected. They already know that. They are born knowing and wanting that.

You've touched on the crux of so many ASD issues: Consciously, deliberately, and manually learning to do things that NTs do naturally, innately, and reflexively.

 

[AO1501]

When I was young, I had very little interaction with anyone. I was mostly in my own world, and never came out. I couldn't see the point, or any reason to. The people around me were not particularly nice and often anything but, so I isolated, and pretty much stayed that way. Interactions I did have were often difficult and painful, and seemed so hard and lacking in benefit that I avoided them as much as I could.

That was pretty much right through school.

It really wasn't until I was in a completely unknown city, starting college, that I discovered that amongst everyone else there were a few people that were worth interacting with, and where there seemed to be benefits in being engaged with them. It wasn't until then that anyone even tried to explain that this, the process of interacting with people, was normal, and that my process of remaining isolated from others was not.

When my daughters were growing up, D1 was very gregarious and outgoing, but D2 was far more like me. When I explained to her about social, conversational and intellectual interactions with others, she asked me what was the point in that. I really couldn't answer. Even now, my interactions are minimal, and except for D2 and my SO, almost entirely work-related.

 

[tducey]

I changed a lot when I was 10, I can remember a teacher saying that I seemed to be more vocal as I entered Grade 5 than I was previous.

 

[the_tortoise]

Let me try to clarify my response, too. The question posed is "when did you find out that you were supposed to interact with people?' NT children naturally and instinctively interact with people from infancy and do not have to be told or taught that social interaction is expected. They already know that. They are born knowing and wanting that.

NT children and autistic children both need to be taught good manners which facilitate social interaction, such as saying "good morning" or "thank you" or "please", not to hit other children to get their way or to push and shove other people, etc. Manners and the expectation of manners are taught to NT children if they don't figure it out on their own, the same as autistic children. But socially polite manners are not the same as social interaction.

A simple example of the social interaction differences between autistic and NT children is that an NT toddler will sit on the floor and roll a ball toward you, you then roll the ball back to the child who then gleefully rolls it back to you. That is social interaction. Many autistic kids won't do that and will stare blankly into space or wander off in self-absorption; they won't voluntarily interact with others and show no pleasure in interacting with others. Another example is that NT children will look at an interesting sight such as an airplane or elephant when someone points it out to them. Autistic children often exhibit no interest and will not even look when something is pointed out to them that is interesting to other children. They are often socially disengaged and detached. They often do not respond to someone calling their name. They have to learn that social interaction is expected whereas NT children interact very early in life by studying their mother's faces, staring into their mother and father's eyes, babbling to others which whom they make direct eye contact when they are learning to talk, easily playing with others at a age appropriate level without being forced to do so. They just do it. It's innate for NT kids.

I think we might agree, at least to a point, and are using words differently -- or maybe we are organizing information differently in our minds. Or maybe this is a language fail on my part. ....I can't tell.

Yes, NTs learn that social interaction is expected early in life by things like gazing into mothers eyes and paying close attention to all the social information the are exposed to during caregiving, but that is quite different than being born with the knowledge. They have to learn the knowledge, too, they just have a much easier time of it and need little/no explicit instruction....they are not born with that knowledge. THe distinction is important to my way of thinking about this.

I think some autistics may be just as drawn to social information at birth, but not able to make sense of/see significance in their early social experiences. (Which may or may not make them lose interest or develop an aversion to socializing as time goes by, or could just make them appear to lose interest because they don't learn from experience/successful information processing what to focus on/pay attention to .....an aversion outcome could be because of negative experiences related to confusion, frustration, or the pain of sensory sensitivities to touch and sound....which is in stark contrast to the positive experiences that reinfoce and facilitate the social learning of NT children, who experience comprehension/discovery and reciprocal understanding instead of confusion and frustration, and comfort/enjoyable sensory experiences instead of pain/discomfort).

It is like learning to play an instrument and read music. Nobody is born knowing how to play, everyone has to learn. Some people have to take lessons, be taught things explicitly, others can learn quickly and easily how to play an instrument with little to no instruction at all. Some can learn to read music with very little instruction -- merely being shown a few notes, and can extrapolate the rest. Whether it takes a day to develop or a decade, whether with or without instruction, a person is not actually born with the ability to play/read/compose music. (And the way a person learns, or how quickly or easily they learn, does not necessarily reflect anything about how much they enjoy playing music, nor how driven they are to learn.)

To clarify again about my personal experiences, because now I don't have any idea what message I communicated with my earlier attempt to clarify my own level of social interaction as a child.....I was an autistic child who often did not respond to his name, as if I were deaf. I was slow to understand the purpose of language, and even slower to figure out all the meanings/how to use it -- and the way I learned was very different from the way typical children learn. If people tried to get my attention nonverbally (waving a toy in front of my face or demonstrating how to play with it) I might just glance at it sideways and then ignore them. My mother noticed very early that I needed very little attention from anyone, and was happy by myself most of the time. But there were some interactive games I enjoyed, I liked to be involved when my parents would bake or fix things around the house, I loved being read to and sung to (on my terms, at least), I was very physically affectionate with my family and I liked to be around them even when I was not interacting with them directly or had absolutely no idea what was going on.

 

[Spagelo]

I've never needed to verbally communicate with anyone, I just exert telepathic influence. I've held actual conversations with other telepaths, but there aren't enough of them for me to have met one in a situation where conversation was inevitable. I don't actually know how to use my voice to talk.

 

[SusanLR]

I've never needed to verbally communicate with anyone, I just exert telepathic influence. I've held actual conversations with other telepaths, but there aren't enough of them for me to have met one in a situation where conversation was inevitable. I don't actually know how to use my voice to talk.

This is very interesting.
Do you remember going back to infancy having this ability?
I think this is how we communicate with animals even if we don't recognize it.
We might speak to them as if they know, but, the connection is basically telepathic.
I seemed to have understanding and knowing in my mind long before I could physically speak.
So I find anything of this nature interesting.

My mother noticed very early that I needed very little attention from anyone, and was happy by myself most of the time. But there were some interactive games I enjoyed, I liked to be involved when my parents would bake or fix things around the house, I loved being read to and sung to (on my terms, at least), I was very physically affectionate with my family and I liked to be around them even when I was not interacting with them directly or had absolutely no idea what was going on.

This is how I lived my life.
Beyond my immediate family, communication and socialization were really just necessities I learned
were needed for work and the outside world.

 

[Mary Terry]

You've touched on the crux of so many ASD issues: Consciously, deliberately, and manually learning to do things that NTs do naturally, innately, and reflexively.

I wish autistics didn't have to force themselves to fit into the NT world or feel like they have to, but I understand the reasons why they work so hard to interact, even learning or trying to memorize mechanical rules for how to socially interact. I know that it is uncomfortable, alien, seems pointless, and is highly stressful. The more the public is educated about ASD, then the better life will be for those on the spectrum who are ignorant of the NT world, and ignorant NTs who have no clue what makes autistic people tic. This website is a godsend in that respect. Y'all have taught me so much. Thank you for your candor and insight and incredible ability to articulate your thoughts and feelings. I try to use that knowledge to help my ASD students and my beloved nephew.

I think we might agree, at least to a point, and are using words differently -- or maybe we are organizing information differently in our minds. Or maybe this is a language fail on my part. ....I can't tell.

Yes, NTs learn that social interaction is expected early in life by things like gazing into mothers eyes and paying close attention to all the social information the are exposed to during caregiving, but that is quite different than being born with the knowledge. They have to learn the knowledge, too, they just have a much easier time of it and need little/no explicit instruction....they are not born with that knowledge. THe distinction is important to my way of thinking about this.

I think some autistics may be just as drawn to social information at birth, but not able to make sense of/see significance in their early social experiences. (Which may or may not make them lose interest or develop an aversion to socializing as time goes by, or could just make them appear to lose interest because they don't learn from experience/successful information processing what to focus on/pay attention to .....an aversion outcome could be because of negative experiences related to confusion, frustration, or the pain of sensory sensitivities to touch and sound....which is in stark contrast to the positive experiences that reinfoce and facilitate the social learning of NT children, who experience comprehension/discovery and reciprocal understanding instead of confusion and frustration, and comfort/enjoyable sensory experiences instead of pain/discomfort).

It is like learning to play an instrument and read music. Nobody is born knowing how to play, everyone has to learn. Some people have to take lessons, be taught things explicitly, others can learn quickly and easily how to play an instrument with little to no instruction at all. Some can learn to read music with very little instruction -- merely being shown a few notes, and can extrapolate the rest. Whether it takes a day to develop or a decade, whether with or without instruction, a person is not actually born with the ability to play/read/compose music. (And the way a person learns, or how quickly or easily they learn, does not necessarily reflect anything about how much they enjoy playing music, nor how driven they are to learn.)

To clarify again about my personal experiences, because now I don't have any idea what message I communicated with my earlier attempt to clarify my own level of social interaction as a child.....I was an autistic child who often did not respond to his name, as if I were deaf. I was slow to understand the purpose of language, and even slower to figure out all the meanings/how to use it -- and the way I learned was very different from the way typical children learn. If people tried to get my attention nonverbally (waving a toy in front of my face or demonstrating how to play with it) I might just glance at it sideways and then ignore them. My mother noticed very early that I needed very little attention from anyone, and was happy by myself most of the time. But there were some interactive games I enjoyed, I liked to be involved when my parents would bake or fix things around the house, I loved being read to and sung to (on my terms, at least), I was very physically affectionate with my family and I liked to be around them even when I was not interacting with them directly or had absolutely no idea what was going on.

Well, we could research scientific studies about prenatal hard wiring of brains and get more definitive answers to the OP's question but it isn't that important to me because that knowledge will not change the end results. I'd like to know what others find if they research the issue, but let's just agreed to disagree about it because it really doesn't make any difference in the long run.

I hate that autistic people struggle with trying to integrate into NT society, and I wish they had no need or longing to do so in order to live in peace and contentment and acceptance of who they are. But the world is a hard, fiercely competitive, biased, survival-of-the-fittest place for NTs alone, and I understand the need and desire of people on the spectrum to fit in or to achieve financial independence or find love, friendship, support or whatever it is that they seek. These are universal longings and goals regardless of what one's cranial neurology may be, and every person on earth has unique challenges to succeed at it.

 

[GrownupGirl]

I don't recall ever "finding out" about this. As a kid I was not shy or afraid of people at all, even though I preferred having the freedom to do things by myself than with other people. I did notice, however, that when I became a teenager and was no longer allowed to be myself, not around adults, not around kids my age, that my way of interacting was abnormal and therefore, wrong. But no one had any explanation why back then. Doctors, teachers, my parents, nobody. A typical tale of a female aspie.

 

[Shamar]

I'm supposed to interact with people? What a concept!

 

[GrownupGirl]

I'm sure that if fortune cookies were actually accurate, mine would say "The reason you play The Sims 4 is because you hate interacting with real humans".

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I'm NT. It's an innate, instinctive, natural thing for NT children to interact with other people, starting in infancy with their mothers. It's not something NT children have to be told or taught. The failure of a child to interact with others may be the first clue that a child may be autistic, hearing impaired, or has psychological issues.

NT children do need to be taught how to respond to people who bully or hurt them, how to identify other people who are potentially abusive, and how to handle their own emotions so as not to become bullies or abusive themselves. Call it the "golden rule", "empathy", "herd mentality", or whatever label is preferred, it's just natural for NTs to interact and to want to interact with others.

they have it easy,aspies don't.

 

[Daydreamer]

I was selectively mute as a child for about a year starting from the age of four. This was because I had a few speech impediments and I felt self-conscious about them, plus I was generally a shy and reserved kid.

After I spent some time in speech therapy, I began to become more confident in my ability to communicate and started to interact with the other children. I think I was always aware that I was expected to do so, and I don't think there was ever a moment where I suddenly had a realisation.

There was some awkwardness at first, since I'd missed a year of socialisation (I should probably mention that I also did not communicate in any form during my time being selectively mute, including written communication and non-verbal body language). Except with my sister, she was the only one I'd talk to. She would translate what I meant to my parents.

My teachers quickly caught on to the fact that something was amiss, whenever we had I writing task I would refuse to write and apparently I'd run out of the classroom instead. I'd often look at the ground, refuse to make eye contact, and show very little body language. Mainly because I had a phobia of being asked to talk, so my body language was rather inward in the hopes that everyone would leave me alone. At break time apparently I would go to the pretend builder's site, which was the least populated area in the playground, and I'd pick up a toy spade and drop it to the floor, then I'd pick it up again and I'd do this repeatedly according to my teacher's notes. They commented on how I seemed disinterested in the actual equipment and was just doing this to avoid everyone plus waste time.

At first my dad was concerned that I might never get past this, but my mum wasn't and she remarked on how it wasn't uncommon in my family to act in such a way at my age (and to grow out of it), which reassured him a little. When I came out of being selectively mute and started to talk at school, I actually made friends fairly easy considering the previous circumstances. When I was six I already had a group of friends forming, and at seven this group was well established.

 

[2205]

I think I realized that at about age 11 or 12. In kindergarten I didn’t interact with other children.

When I was 4, my mom made me go and make friends with neighbor kids. I remember being so afraid but finally I went up to them , not knowing what to do. I probably just stood there until they started to talking to me. I remember one of the kids asking my name and I refused to answer. I have no idea why. We became friends though.

I suppose I realized in middle school that having friends is useful. It makes you popular and liked by others.

Later, in 20s I realized once again that networking and having a big social circle is the most important thing about having a successful career and a wealthy life.

Unfortunately I never managed to do any of that and by now I have kind of given up the social thing. Happy with my dog.