Making this a new post because it feels new. In my 'masking taking away my past' post and trying to explain myself I had an epiphany. It's hard to explain, really and my mind is going crazy with a sudden turn I have made.
In my heart I did always know I was different, but the person I confided in with all my struggles that I loved and trusted always responded with 'everyone is like that.' (@Autistamatic - maybe you can do a video on the damage of those words.)
So instead of possibly working with my struggles to make things a little easier, I believed everyone else had the same struggles. Even though I knew in my heart that wasn't right because it was so obvious that everyone around me was dealing with things so much easier than I was. But convinced myself that everyone just hid it so I just hid it, too and went on forcing myself through this life - just like everyone else. And being miserable. Explains why sometimes if I thought someone was struggling in a situation because I knew I certainly would be, if I tried to talk to them and help they would look at me like I was crazy.
So, I rationalized that it's just something people don't want to talk about and prefer to keep it hidden. Did everyone I worked with find themselves fighting curling up in a corner of the hallway instead of going on into work, like I did? My box wouldn't let me change my actions to do that as much as that was what I wanted to do every single day walking into work. Everything that I knew was wrong with me, I was told everyone does that. I didn't understand the fear of being found out because if everyone was like me, what was there to hide, except I was still hiding it. It just kept me confused.
So my epiphany IS that it wasn't that I knew I was different, but that I thought everyone was like me with the same struggles. So now I'm wondering about other things. Like empathy - I put myself in someone else's shoes - if I was going through that or dealing with that it would be horrifying. So I assume that's what they are feeling and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm making something someone else is going through much more emotional because I relate it to how I would be feeling and not what they actually may be feeling. Maybe I think they're thinking what I would be thinking and it may not be what they're thinking at all. Because now I know what I have felt all along - that I AM different and that everyone else is NOT like me.
It's like I said in a response - like being born with one arm but everyone tells you that everyone just has one arm. You can seen it, but because you've been convinced that everyone has only one arm, you never do anything to try to improve your life and adapt to having one arm like everyone else. And THAT is why I feel cheated from my past.
You know what? Now I feel like I can be me and just let everyone be them without putting what I THINK they are feeling onto them.
In my heart I did always know I was different, but the person I confided in with all my struggles that I loved and trusted always responded with 'everyone is like that.' (@Autistamatic - maybe you can do a video on the damage of those words.)
So instead of possibly working with my struggles to make things a little easier, I believed everyone else had the same struggles. Even though I knew in my heart that wasn't right because it was so obvious that everyone around me was dealing with things so much easier than I was. But convinced myself that everyone just hid it so I just hid it, too and went on forcing myself through this life - just like everyone else. And being miserable. Explains why sometimes if I thought someone was struggling in a situation because I knew I certainly would be, if I tried to talk to them and help they would look at me like I was crazy.
So, I rationalized that it's just something people don't want to talk about and prefer to keep it hidden. Did everyone I worked with find themselves fighting curling up in a corner of the hallway instead of going on into work, like I did? My box wouldn't let me change my actions to do that as much as that was what I wanted to do every single day walking into work. Everything that I knew was wrong with me, I was told everyone does that. I didn't understand the fear of being found out because if everyone was like me, what was there to hide, except I was still hiding it. It just kept me confused.
So my epiphany IS that it wasn't that I knew I was different, but that I thought everyone was like me with the same struggles. So now I'm wondering about other things. Like empathy - I put myself in someone else's shoes - if I was going through that or dealing with that it would be horrifying. So I assume that's what they are feeling and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm making something someone else is going through much more emotional because I relate it to how I would be feeling and not what they actually may be feeling. Maybe I think they're thinking what I would be thinking and it may not be what they're thinking at all. Because now I know what I have felt all along - that I AM different and that everyone else is NOT like me.
It's like I said in a response - like being born with one arm but everyone tells you that everyone just has one arm. You can seen it, but because you've been convinced that everyone has only one arm, you never do anything to try to improve your life and adapt to having one arm like everyone else. And THAT is why I feel cheated from my past.
You know what? Now I feel like I can be me and just let everyone be them without putting what I THINK they are feeling onto them.