What IF I was wrong all along

[Pats]

Making this a new post because it feels new. In my 'masking taking away my past' post and trying to explain myself I had an epiphany. It's hard to explain, really and my mind is going crazy with a sudden turn I have made.
In my heart I did always know I was different, but the person I confided in with all my struggles that I loved and trusted always responded with 'everyone is like that.' (@Autistamatic - maybe you can do a video on the damage of those words.)

So instead of possibly working with my struggles to make things a little easier, I believed everyone else had the same struggles. Even though I knew in my heart that wasn't right because it was so obvious that everyone around me was dealing with things so much easier than I was. But convinced myself that everyone just hid it so I just hid it, too and went on forcing myself through this life - just like everyone else. And being miserable. Explains why sometimes if I thought someone was struggling in a situation because I knew I certainly would be, if I tried to talk to them and help they would look at me like I was crazy.

So, I rationalized that it's just something people don't want to talk about and prefer to keep it hidden. Did everyone I worked with find themselves fighting curling up in a corner of the hallway instead of going on into work, like I did? My box wouldn't let me change my actions to do that as much as that was what I wanted to do every single day walking into work. Everything that I knew was wrong with me, I was told everyone does that. I didn't understand the fear of being found out because if everyone was like me, what was there to hide, except I was still hiding it. It just kept me confused.

So my epiphany IS that it wasn't that I knew I was different, but that I thought everyone was like me with the same struggles. So now I'm wondering about other things. Like empathy - I put myself in someone else's shoes - if I was going through that or dealing with that it would be horrifying. So I assume that's what they are feeling and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm making something someone else is going through much more emotional because I relate it to how I would be feeling and not what they actually may be feeling. Maybe I think they're thinking what I would be thinking and it may not be what they're thinking at all. Because now I know what I have felt all along - that I AM different and that everyone else is NOT like me.

It's like I said in a response - like being born with one arm but everyone tells you that everyone just has one arm. You can seen it, but because you've been convinced that everyone has only one arm, you never do anything to try to improve your life and adapt to having one arm like everyone else. And THAT is why I feel cheated from my past.

You know what? Now I feel like I can be me and just let everyone be them without putting what I THINK they are feeling onto them.

 

[Autistamatic]

That "everybody does that/thinks that/feels that" line can be infuriating. Where the big difference lies is in the depth of feeling attached to some of our quirks. It's not just feeling a bit confused and then being able to write it off, it's an all consuming quandary that MUST be solved. It's not feeling a bit shy around the opposite sex or in New situations, it's paralysing fear, and so on...
We do see things differently and there is increasing feeling amongst the experts that we feel emotions more intensely than many NT people. I'm glad it's going this way in terms of research because it's something I've suspected for a long time. Consequently I've operated in much the way you're describing for some time. Often I will see something or be told something which causes a very strong emotional reaction in myself, but I've observed it doesn't seem to engender the same intensity in other people.
I think it's visible in these very pages when we see people suffering really intense depression or confusion. It's way beyond just sadness for many, it's a horrendously painful experience. In a similar vein - look at how excited we get over things we like, how passionate we get about special interests and the like, how attached we can become to people or things we love and more.
Sounds like you've really turned a corner Pats

 

[Pats]

That "everybody does that/thinks that/feels that" line can be infuriating. Where the big difference lies is in the depth of feeling attached to some of our quirks. It's not just feeling a bit confused and then being able to write it off, it's an all consuming quandary that MUST be solved. It's not feeling a bit shy around the opposite sex or in New situations, it's paralysing fear, and so on...
We do see things differently and there is increasing feeling amongst the experts that we feel emotions more intensely than many NT people. I'm glad it's going this way in terms of research because it's something I've suspected for a long time. Consequently I've operated in much the way you're describing for some time. Often I will see something or be told something which causes a very strong emotional reaction in myself, but I've observed it doesn't seem to engender the same intensity in other people.
I think it's visible in these very pages when we see people suffering really intense depression or confusion. It's way beyond just sadness for many, it's a horrendously painful experience. In a similar vein - look at how excited we get over things we like, how passionate we get about special interests and the like, how attached we can become to people or things we love and more.
Sounds like you've really turned a corner Pats

thanks for your reply. I really think highly of what you have to say. Was excited about figuring all this out, but once again, was feeling a bit alone in it.

 

[Autistamatic]

Thanks Pats - you make some really interesting observations of your own. I think your post about your epiphany will help a lot of people. The realisation that our feelings, whilst very real and detailed to us are possibly more vivid than some of those around us is a game changer.
It doesn't mean we shouldn't care about NT people's feelings, but it's useful to know that we can take things to heart and torture ourselves when those around us are just moving on to the next thing.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I am wrestling with the same feelings you are having. I feel incomplete, but I am expected to function as if I am complete. I have spent my life unaware of where I was incomplete, so when I failed, I didn't know why. On the other hand, I excelled in areas that nobody cared about, though it was always useful and productive. I put my self worth into the things that I can do well (not a bad idea). Still, my shortcomings were never apparent to me. Now, I understand, but it is impossible to change them. They just "are", and I am OK with that because I have no choice.

It is detrimental to you if you keep focusing on negatives that you can't change and that won't go away. Like you, I feel cheated. I refuse to let myself feel that way because I don't have the right to do so. It is too close to blaming others for my life decisions and my less-than-perfect experiences. My difficulties in life were some kind of accident of birth. They are innate in my persona. If I complain, then I have to imagine others who have to live with their own accidents of birth, far more extreme and torturous than my own quirks and lapses. I end up counting my blessings for all the good that was around me and for the good I have in me. Time and effort was wasted not knowing about my short-comings. I can't change that, but I can stop it from tripping me up. I am aware and it is my reality.

I don't know if you experience the same mental strains as I do, but from the way you write I can easily believe that you do. My mind gets confused easily when I am focusing on problems and trying to sort out negativity. Lamenting the past produces nothing if you can't accept it for what it is. I have to consciously stop thinking about negativity. It isn't easy because I am also trying to make sense of everything from my past. I have accused myself of being stupid, ignorant, unkind, aloof, inexperienced, self-centered, and oblivious to the obvious. I now understand that it was ASD cutting me off at the knees. I can't have hatred for a non-entity and I refuse to blame anyone, including myself. I don't know if this way of thinking is emotionally healthy, or that I am deluding myself into a non-confrontational relationship with reality. In short, I have to let it go. If this is defeat, then I have been defeated. I am OK with being defeated. Nobody wins every battle.

 

[Pats]

I am wrestling with the same feelings you are having. I feel incomplete, but I am expected to function as if I am complete. I have spent my life unaware of where I was incomplete, so when I failed, I didn't know why. On the other hand, I excelled in areas that nobody cared about, though it was always useful and productive. I put my self worth into the things that I can do well (not a bad idea). Still, my shortcomings were never apparent to me. Now, I understand, but it is impossible to change them. They just "are", and I am OK with that because I have no choice.

It is detrimental to you if you keep focusing on negatives that you can't change and that won't go away. Like you, I feel cheated. I refuse to let myself feel that way because I don't have the right to do so. It is too close to blaming others for my life decisions and my less-than-perfect experiences. My difficulties in life were some kind of accident of birth. They are innate in my persona. If I complain, then I have to imagine others who have to live with their own accidents of birth, far more extreme and torturous than my own quirks and lapses. I end up counting my blessings for all the good that was around me and for the good I have in me. Time and effort was wasted not knowing about my short-comings. I can't change that, but I can stop it from tripping me up. I am aware and it is my reality.

I don't know if you experience the same mental strains as I do, but from the way you write I can easily believe that you do. My mind gets confused easily when I am focusing on problems and trying to sort out negativity. Lamenting the past produces nothing if you can't accept it for what it is. I have to consciously stop thinking about negativity. It isn't easy because I am also trying to make sense of everything from my past. I have accused myself of being stupid, ignorant, unkind, aloof, inexperienced, self-centered, and oblivious to the obvious. I now understand that it was ASD cutting me off at the knees. I can't have hatred for a non-entity and I refuse to blame anyone, including myself. I don't know if this way of thinking is emotionally healthy, or that I am deluding myself into a non-confrontational relationship with reality. In short, I have to let it go. If this is defeat, then I have been defeated. I am OK with being defeated. Nobody wins every battle.

Thanks Peter. I didn't mean to sound blaming. I was just realizing some of my current struggles and now, looking deeper into the past I feel like I can move into the future better grounded and get through things a little easier. Do we sometimes have to dig through the negatives in order to find the positives?
I agree with what you said and hope we can both get through without so much tripping and stumbling.

 

[Tanyax]

Tripping and stumbling and self blame. There is so very much of it. And guilt. So very much. But what are we supposed to do? We are who we are. We have no choice but to accept ourselves. It’s so very hard that we have to explain ourselves as some kind of excuse. I feel humiliated myself. I hate it. I don’t know what the answer is. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I care more and I love more than anyone I know. I just come across all wrong and that’s so frustrating. X

 

[Pats]

Tripping and stumbling and self blame. There is so very much of it. And guilt. So very much. But what are we supposed to do? We are who we are. We have no choice but to accept ourselves. It’s so very hard that we have to explain ourselves as some kind of excuse. I feel humiliated myself. I hate it. I don’t know what the answer is. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I care more and I love more than anyone I know. I just come across all wrong and that’s so frustrating. X

@Tanyax Have you watched Autistamatic's you tube videos? He posts them here also. They are very informative. And it makes you feel better about being on the spectrum. If you don't understand yourself, you can't expect others to understand you either. And how can you explain yourself with all the confusion. I know all the things you are struggling with and I'm hoping they are somewhat better.

 

[Tanyax]

Thank you pats. Yes, I watched the last one and we have been in contact. He’s a lovely and helpful man. Very kind and patient. X

 

[Autistamatic]

 

[Progster]

like being born with one arm but everyone tells you that everyone just has one arm.

This is a good thing to throw back at people who tell you that it's like that for everyone - would they say that to a person with only one arm? People might mean well, they might genuinely think they are helping, but it comes across as dismissive and condescending and rather than help the person, makes them feel worse.

I used to think that too, that people were experiencing what I was experiencing, but coping or masking better - I could never understand how other people didn't complain about loud music in restaurants for example, it was quite a revelation to watch youTube videos of sensory sensitivity simulations and realise that what I'm getting is not what everybody else is getting. I could always see that I was different - that I can't join in conversations, I tune out a lot, don't have this emotional connection that other people have, have intense obsessions and 'crusades' about things, strong opinions, likes, dislikes and phobias, but assumed it was a part of my personality, it didn't occur to me that my brain might be structured or connected in a different way, or that I might have autism.