Turned 30 today, no love life in sight :/

[Whattup]

Hey there, I am now officially a 30 year old, female Aspie, single as the day I was born! I just have a few general relationship questions for everyone.

Is it easier to date another Aspie or a NT? I've only dated NT's, and I never get very emotionally close. They also never commit to me.

How does one not get utterly bored in a relationship/when dating someone? Seriously, I start to get bored and then agitated when dating guys, maybe there's not a great connection? I don't know.

How do you spot abusers before it's too late?! I've met two now, and I cut it off when I saw their abusive natures, but is there any way to see it beforehand?

Best dating sites for Apies? Opinions welcome!

Thanks in advance

 

[rainfall]

First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I have no idea about the first questions.

To the second couple, I think that's possible you get bored and agitated because there isn't a great connection. It's also possible you may not be getting your needs met within the relationship and/or not enough alone time? I know for me I got smothered real quick and I absolutely LOVE my space, so it made me a bit agitated until I addressed it.

Oh yeah, you can definitely tell them ahead of time. I ignored the signs because I thought he just really wanted to be with me. The ones I recognize as eventually abusive could be smothering you with their attention and not really wanting you to be with anyone else, and I mean anyone including friends or co workers but playing it off like they just like/love you so much. Another is the most common, controlling. They start to want to know what you're doing all the time or trying to insinuate what you should be doing. Getting insanely jealous if you mention something about another person of the opposite sex even if it was just a comment that meant nothing to you.

Of course, some of these signs are just mixed signals from certain people trying to figure things out so it's best just to keep your wits about you and be careful. Don't make excuses. Once you start making excuses it all goes down from there.

Again, I'm sorry, but I don't know about any dating sites. I hope this helps a little and I'm sure others here will post more information for you.

 

[Keigan]

Dating sites are 10 times more guys than gals, though most people on the dating sites have one thing on their minds. Waist of time for myself.

Have you tried writing down your needs?

Make a list of things that you value and look for in others, categorize each entry on the list as Need or Want. Revisit the list every once in a while. The excersise will help you focus on what is important.

 

[Momo]

I find it very difficult to connect to people as well, it may be a factor in why I've never dated, a common problem for aspies. As for spotting an abuser early on, see if they apologise and mean it, see that they take responsibility, also see that they want to improve themselves and what areas they want to do this in. If not, then they likely have no personal insight and may very well be narcissistic. It is best to stay away from these people.

 

[Keigan]

BTW - I'm 54 and recently self-diagnosed with AS, always dated though nothing lasts as there has never been good emotional connection. My AS explains why.

I have had one on/off relationship and through conversation she is open to the possibility that she is also aspien. We have a good physical connection, though we both have had challenges managing our emotions which has always been the downfall. Something that is showing up in the conversations is understanding and acceptance - which is huge. That helps to not over-react from a defensive perspective.

Happy birthday!

 

[Judge]

Perhaps dating itself simply isn't the best "social conduit" for you to establish meaningful relationships.

The whole institution of dating I found to be arduous and full of false expectations. Putting too much pressure on me to have any comfort level or allow me to "bring down my shields".

The only relationships I've had were with NT females who I first befriended, and never "dated" as such. In a few cases friendship evolved into something better. A process I could handle, although I have to also point out that all those relationships eventually failed. Leaving me wondering what it would be like to have a relationship with my own kind.

 

[Streetwise]

happy birthday yom tov(it means good day in Hebrew

Hey there, I am now officially a 30 year old, female Aspie, single as the day I was born! I just have a few general relationship questions for everyone.

Is it easier to date another Aspie or a NT? I've only dated NT's, and I never get very emotionally close. They also never commit to me.

How does one not get utterly bored in a relationship/when dating someone? Seriously, I start to get bored and then agitated when dating guys, maybe there's not a great connection? I don't know.

How do you spot abusers before it's too late?! I've met two now, and I cut it off when I saw their abusive natures, but is there any way to see it beforehand?

Best dating sites for Apies? Opinions welcome!

Thanks in advance

 

[paloftoon]

I don't think it's necessarily easier to date an aspie or NT. It just depends on the connection. Try to be open to people and don't have them have to meet every single check off of check list. I think it's a good idea to consider platonic in cases where there doesn't seem to be a connection, but the person didn't seem all that bad. That seems hard to do cause people usually only want to date or not have a friendship at all it seems.

 

[paloftoon]

. . . As for spotting an abuser early on, see if they apologise and mean it, see that they take responsibility, also see that they want to improve themselves and what areas they want to do this in. If not, then they likely have no personal insight and may very well be narcissistic. It is best to stay away from these people.

After reading this, I feel like a community of people view me like this. I can't imagine myself like this kind of person at all, but it all spawned off from an inappropriate comment I made that you can PM me about if you really want to talk about it.

I know I am not an abuser, but people who don't know me wouldn't necessarily know that. The thought of how our world is today, and how if you accidentally break someone's trust, there might be no way to get it back. Mainly because of things I said sounded so creepy like, it is just too weird to want to deal with most likely. Also, even if I am believed to be with really good intentions, it's not exactly attractive to appear so socially inept. I am not normally like this- almost never- but I was somewhat at that time. It is weird that I realize that, but I'm glad I do. I do feel like I have changed being so aware, but maybe that is why I feel so depressed too despite all my accomplishments.

I have a close relative who is probably narcissistic, but can't see herself for how she is. I can't stay away from her unfortunately. So, in my case, I have had to deal with her by standing up for myself when necessary. It's hard to know when because much of the time, she is very helpful and does care. The only way I can take a stand for myself is to correct extreme behavior, and if my reasonable requests are not respected, then I can ask that person to leave my place. If they refuse to leave, I can leave that day myself just to make a point that no matter how much you disagree with someone, you can't have a temper tantrum about it or disregard someone's confidence. It was very hard for me to decide to do all that for dealing with a cycle that has been occurring in my life the whole time and affecting my psyche negatively.

 

[Judge]

Sex: Easy to navigate.

Love: A bit more complicated.

Romance: A LOT more complicated.

 

[mw2530]

I hear your frustration as I am 29 and yet to be in a relationship. I've went on a few dates here and there, but dates have been very rare and never made it past one or two. I'm a guy so it is usually expected that I make the first move, but that is next to impossible. Anyway, I don't think I can answer any of your questions, but I share in you loneliness and know how you feel.

 

[Katleya]

Happy birthday!

I feel like I would give terrible advice on love and dating, overall. I've been in a relationship for many years, and it's not exactly making me feel whole and happy and everything we're taught to expect from a romantic partner, but at the same time, as far back as I can look, I never really believed in love. Not because I haven't found it, mind you; but I remember even in my teens wondering why people thought love was reason enough to get married, because feelings come and go, and what person in their right mind would base their whole like on something so likely to vary? I know, I'm quite the cynic.

That being said: I have terrible judgement and couldn't tell you how to spot abusers, but what I can advise you is to look for someone who is at least willing to understand you, and anything that might make you think/act different, especially if that person is an NT, because if they judge your behavior through their NT prism, both of you are in for one bumpy ride of mutual misunderstanding.
Do stay away from narcissists, though: read up on that particular personality disorder and avoid anyone who seems to fit that pattern (I'd even extend that to friends and co-workers), because we do not mix well with those people.