Trouble dealing with finding out I'm Autistic

[Nega Rark]

Music choice:

Recently found the section in my local library on Autism (23/m). Turns out I have it. Always wondered if I had depression, diabetes, Low T, PTSD, Anxiety, etc. Essentially trying to find out "WTF is wrong with me? Why can't I be like the other kids??"

Well, ask the same question over and over, and eventually you'll get a different answer that explains things. I'm Autistic. (So is my little Sister, I think, 19 now, but it's not my job to diagnose her). No early intervention. Dad was drunk and Mom was suffering a lot. Both were unaware of warning signs.

So I'll try Pros and Cons:

PRO:
Finding the truth is like waking up from a nightmare. Like, that's why I was like that then, that explains how I am now. An Autism diagnosis sheds a positive, compassionate light on the past and present.
CON:
Now that I know this, my future looks a lot darker. Used to think I was just "still growing up". Now I know I'm actually handicapped. If my inexplicable failures, situation suicides and meltdowns are part of a disorder with no cure, I will need treatment to get through life from now on. Treatment I can't afford.
Feel more hopeless about the future than ever.
So past and present look better, future looks worse.

PRO:
Now I know the importance of getting into structure, eliminating maladaptive (funny this spell-checks only to manipulative... What is the board trying to tell me?) behaviors I've developed over the years, and developing coping mechanisms to replace them. Intellectually, I can develop a strategy for living. Activity schedules, picture instructions, encouraging words, and finding my strengths.
CON:
What if I come up with a personal way of dealing with my Autism, and the disorder itself progresses, so that I can't even follow with my day to day strategies for living? What if I fight and fight, keep things together, then say one day my laptop won't turn on and I have a tremendous breakdown at 27 or 28?

PRO:
In the past, I have always "brought down" any household and friendship I'm a part of. Being a burden on others. Breaking things and not understanding. Forgetting to return things. Withdrawing with no explanation. Regressing and hiding. Having fits. Now I know it's not my fault.
CON:
Future-wise, it's up to me to accept responsibility for managing my condition. Which is kind of unfair is all, when other people my age are managing careers, apartments with peers, pets, back to grad school, etc.

PRO:
Probably in spite of Autism, I persevered through college with a 2.97 GPA in Electrical Engineering, won 1st place in a Powerlifting competition, and held an office as treasurer for a year.
CON:
Being Autistic, I shouldn't have had so much control over my life decisions. My school choices got me $100,000 in debt, which I didn't really understand was "real". My extreme weight-lifting led me to a herniated disc and a torn shoulder (which have since healed in 2 yrs). And now that I'm an "Adult" in the functioning "real world", those loans seem pretty much impossible to do anything about. I've already lost 2 high paying Engineering jobs due to meltdowns, and I've been Unemployed the last 6 months.

 

[Craig]

O___O

Autism isn't a disability, it's not something you can blame all your problems on and then use as a crutch.

If Autism is anything, then it is a gift, and if you have squandered that gift it is your own fault.

Though if you're that worried about it, then why not get it cured? Would seem like the best possible option for you.

 

[Peace]

There is no cure for Autism as autism is not having anything "Wrong" with you. It is simply describing your personality type. Having Autism is a gift, if you choose to use it that way. Like anything else, it can be used for good or bad.
It often seems like it is a negative thing because society treats everything that does not easily fit in to the main stream as "A Problem". Don't buy that crap. Delight in your view of the world and make the most of it.

 

[King_Oni]

Autism isn't a disability, it's not something you can blame all your problems on and then use as a crutch.

Yes you can... it just isn't advised to do so I guess. I know a fair share of people that will use any disorder they have as a crutch and it clearly got them further than me in life.

For me personally, no, you shouldn't blame it all on autism, but you can at least have a few conclusions here and there. You can conclude that certain things don't work for you and perhaps even figure out it might have been the cause. The problem is that it's a difficult process since you have to hold yourself to high scrutiny and accept there's personality flaws as well that can be part of all this.

To make matters worse; if I don't blame it on my autism, a professional will. Better to be a step ahead and plan ahead to see what my next actions will be and work around these problems. Not working around them, using them as a crutch and hoping someone will help you out... yes... that's a problem.

If Autism is anything, then it is a gift, and if you have squandered that gift it is your own fault.

Squandering probably also means that you knew you were doing the wrong thing. You wasted it on purpose. Reading from the OP I'm not sure if that's the case here. A lot of stuff came up later when he read up about his issues and wanted to put the pieces together.

Though if you're that worried about it, then why not get it cured? Would seem like the best possible option for you.

A cure? For Autism?

Since when?

Even therapy hasn't fixed it. Therapy gives you methods to cope. Therapy might give you access to more guidance and support. Therapy does not fix a neurologically different brain.

 

[Soup]

O___O

Autism isn't a disability, it's not something you can blame all your problems on and then use as a crutch.

If Autism is anything, then it is a gift, and if you have squandered that gift it is your own fault.

Though if you're that worried about it, then why not get it cured? Would seem like the best possible option for you.

@Craig; Autism can be a disabling condition for some who have it. Depending upon several factors such as their life circumstances, ability to provide for themselves, life management skills & financial means, it can be devastating. THe implication that a disability is something a disabled person can or might 'blame all their problems on & use as a crutch' is absurd. People with disabilities are encumbered by them to varying degrees. In my city, for example, the public transit system is rarely accessible. Few metro stations have an elevator & even the escalators seldom all are working. This means anyone visually impaired, physically impaired or even someone with a baby stroller is excluded (making it impossible for many to hold down a job!). The public buses are not accessible either.

For some people, Autism is a gift. In my circumstances, I'd never want to treat or cure my Asperger's. BUT I'm in a situation where I can afford to be an Aspie & my Aspie traits will not screw up my life. If I were the sort of Aspie who was prone to loud & scary melt-downs my life, marriage & career (& when my kids were younger, parental rights) would've all been terminated leaving me broke & disenfranchised! If an Aspie's sensory traits are so severe & broad that any exposure to any of the unpredictable & uncontrollable aspects of the workplace, the street & life in general is completely overwhelming & distressing then YES: this person has a disability that is now handicapping them. Some Aspies are of the sort that stim very visibly. This can impede them in certain contexts (not great at a board meeting or when meeting a client or treating a patient). Melt-downs would be unacceptable, even once, for an elementary school teacher like myself.

Please try to find it within yourself to be a little less judgmental of your fellow Aspie/Autie. We all have the same condition BUT to very different degrees, with differently nuanced straits & in very unique life/financial circumstances.

The world we live in was designed by & for NTs & even they are finding it increasingly difficult to live in their own noisy fast-paced cut-throat world. For some Auties, overstimulation occurs the minute they put their foot out of the front door: especially if they live in an urban setting (police sirens, ambulances, cars honking, people jostling, traffic lights changing colours every few seconds, construction & street repairs...). We are all affected differently & respond according to our unique skills, limitations & resources.

Autism is not curable. Anyone out there touting a cure whether it is talk therapy or some pills or herbs or fad diet is a quack. Nega Rark has received a diagnosis that, in hos or her mind has engendered many mixed feelings & exploring them & working through them (even reconciling the contradictions within them) may prove to be a productive exercise for him (her?). It may also help some other newly diagnosed Auties here who cannot make sense of their diagnosis either.

 

[Craig]

Interesting. I posted a second post in this thread, but it hasn't posted itself, strange.

 

[Soup]

Interesting. I posted a second post in this thread, but it hasn't posted itself, strange.

That happens sometimes, Craig. I've had posts vanish on me out of nowhere too. A strategy some members use is to write their posts in Word then copy/paste. That way if it somehow disappears or doesn't show, they can easily remedy the problem.

 

[Nega Rark]

O___O

Autism isn't a disability, it's not something you can blame all your problems on and then use as a crutch.

Well first of all it depends on where it falls in the spectrum, and what symptoms of autism are strong and weak. For example I can type really well and write my thoughts. But I'm uncoordinated and don't do well with long-term thinking. None of that means I can use it as a crutch, if I can consciously do better than I am doing now. But if I could be doing better, wouldn't I be doing better already?

If Autism is anything, then it is a gift, and if you have squandered that gift it is your own fault.

I didn't know it was Autism. I wish I did, maybe I'd have had more patience with myself, and not invested such an extreme amount of energy in trying to hypertrophy weaknesses which I just don't have the capacity to improve, trying to be something I'm simply not, and wondering "Why cant I be like him or her?"

Though if you're that worried about it, then why not get it cured? Would seem like the best possible option for you.

Don't have health insurance, Don't want to take the trip to the ER, And, even if I could fix the gene or the neurological patterns with electrical surgery, I'm still left with the 23 years of mismanaged and estranged life and relationships that have already gone by. The impressions I've left are permanent. In time I could be forgiven, and the disorder could be in remission for a bit, but then what about when it kicks back in? I'm sorry but I feel just hopeless at this point. At least I can express this.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Don't have health insurance, Don't want to take the trip to the ER, And, even if I could fix the gene or the neurological patterns with electrical surgery, I'm still left with the 23 years of mismanaged and estranged life and relationships that have already gone by. The impressions I've left are permanent. In time I could be forgiven, and the disorder could be in remission for a bit, but then what about when it kicks back in? I'm sorry but I feel just hopeless at this point. At least I can express this.

It can't be "cured". health insurance wouldn't make a difference as far as that goes. :unsure:

 

[Arashi222]

Autism isn't like a disease. Its not something you can go to an ER and have them fix for you. Autism isn't something to hate it is a difference. I think everyone goes through a phase where they truly understand what having an ASD is going to have on their life. But you always have choices. We as people have choices on how we are going to deal with knowing we have a difference. We can all learn to thrive, but we all have choices. Maybe its taking smaller steps than someone else. Maybe its accepting it and not as a death sentence because its not a bad thing. Its not something to be ashamed of. Its just a difference.

 

[Soup]

@Arashi: You hit that one right out of the ballpark.

 

[GHA]

Aspies are very smart and they want to excel in their area of interest. My son does not consider AS as a disability. He knows he is far more talented than many NTs. His belief in life is that he has to do well at all cost. He is bothered by NTs but he has learnt to take time out. He told me recently that he has to prove that he is a better professional and a great human being. I said,I know that son....

 

[oscar2012]

well said ghas son