Thriving alone, dreading loneliness

[Progster]

I write all this basically to come to point that of all of these friends and family in my life, I've never truly "felt" any of them. Each time we throw a party, I go through a cycle of looking forward to it, then not having a single interesting conversation, then feeling empty after everyone's gone, then needing at least 24 hours to decompress from the social toll. I feel like I'm pretty capable in social situations. I understand how to behave and make small talk (sorta) and the general back and forth rules of conversation. But I get SO BORED. I don't feel comfortable just calling anyone, talking to any of them. Our interactions are surface and uninteresting. Any time I've met someone at a new job or get together or whatever and I try to open up and talk about something with substance, I seem to scare that person away and get weird looks followed by an abrupt change in subject.

Yes, this matches my experience of socialising when I was younger and before I was diagnosed. Feeling of emptiness, boredom, and not being fulfilled, not getting out of it what other people are getting. Then the 'social hangover'. I never understood why it was such a different experience for me than it was for them.

 

[Shamar]

Alone vs loneliness. They ARE different, but interrelated. I agree many people do not understand the difference. In my case, it appears that the parts of the brain that deal with social interaction and social feelings were either never formed or not wired up. I have never had a friend (as I understand the concept), and cannot feel a bond or connection to another person. However, this does not reduce the need or desire for these connections. I have spent my entire life as a social observer, never as a participant. When I try, I wind up looking like an idiot. Thus, I spend most of my time both alone and lonely

I'm OK most of the time, but around November into January things get really bad. All around, I see people enjoying social connections and interaction which I desire more than anything, and know I can never have. This is when I have to take antidepressants and go on suicide watch. This is getting rather intense, and I'm not sure where to go from here.

 

[Mary Anne]

Everything you all are sharing resonates strongly with me as well. I feel like I am really lucky in my situation. But the loneliness is sometimes overwhelming. This is only understandable to other Aspies or those with similar social struggles. You see, I grew up with a brother, we are only about a year apart. (He also displays pretty big signs of Asperger's, but he doesn't seem interested in investigating, which is fine.) In high school, I was involved with dance competitions and guard competitions and dance teaching, combined with practices all the time, etc. My social exposure was in the insulated and structured environment of an activity, which I think helped me a lot with learning social skills because it wasn't a situation where it was 100% voluntary to be around each other; we had the purpose and obligation of being on a team in an activity we cared about (if that makes sense). My strategy has always been mirroring the personalities of those around me and trying to be just like the people around me so that I don't stick out or bring people's judgment on myself. (My biggest anxiety revolves around being made a fool of.) This got me into trouble in college because of the learned behaviors in high school, which basically taught me that women/girls are supposed to attract boys and be charming...that's about it. Oh, and win trophies for dancing and competing in guard.

As a result, I fell into a crowd or people with the guise of friendship, but in reality we just all got together at the same places to get out-of-our-minds drunk. I ended up being connected at the hip with a girl and we enjoyed getting drunk and teasing boys, etc. We'd gotten thrown out of bars, arrested together...lots of special bonding situations...jk. I fell out of that crowd and met my now-husband in my last year of college. Then I fell into his circle of friends and the rest is history.

I write all this basically to come to point that of all of these friends and family in my life, I've never truly "felt" any of them. Each time we throw a party, I go through a cycle of looking forward to it, then not having a single interesting conversation, then feeling empty after everyone's gone, then needing at least 24 hours to decompress from the social toll. I feel like I'm pretty capable in social situations. I understand how to behave and make small talk (sorta) and the general back and forth rules of conversation. But I get SO BORED. I don't feel comfortable just calling anyone, talking to any of them. Our interactions are surface and uninteresting. Any time I've met someone at a new job or get together or whatever and I try to open up and talk about something with substance, I seem to scare that person away and get weird looks followed by an abrupt change in subject.

Wow, I'm writing a book. I apologize. I'll stop there. haha! =)

I feel the same way at social gatherings...even with my loving stepfamily. I spent years as an alcoholic, hung out with very diverse, uniquely different people and that made everything “fun” and “interesting.” But I am never going down that path again. I have had to find my passions elsewhere- volunteering in things that mean something to me. Forcing myself to get much more physically active - that creates endorphins that make the brain feel happier. Forcing myself to work after decades on disability has challenges but it also makes me feel better. I look at on all the social stuff in my life and just feel it was so empty. Even when I was not drinking.

It’s boring living in suburbia now, but it’s peaceful, quiet, safe, and secure, and I know it’s what I need. People’s lives here are boring, but I am better off here then all those decades in the big city that is only 10 miles away. I can always visit if I need to.

 

[ECM2018]

I'm OK most of the time, but around November into January things get really bad.

YES, the holiday season is the worst. Basically every anxiety trigger taken to the max. Then winter in general is very hard, when loneliness and restlessness sits in. I think about the pointlessness of life constantly. Death as well. I've never wanted to kill myself. BE killed, maybe lol. But I don't think I would be brave enough to take my own life. If I did, I would want to commit harakiri while making some big public statement like Mishima lol.

I hate that I want to do things with people and interact on a "deep" level, but people ALWAYS disappoint. I can think of maybe 2 people in the last decade that didn't bore the sh*t out of me when we talked. And one of those I basically scared away because I opened up a little TOO much I think lol. I can't win. Sometimes the worst loneliness is when I am surrounded by people that care about me. Seems pretty silly but it is very real.