The Outsider
Well-Known Member
After so many years of dealing with the medical system, my conclusion is that it has failed me. I’ve been on so many anti-depression meds for so many years. This year was the worst in particular. They changed my anti-depressions back to Prozac, which I was on years ago and I didn’t noticed it working. Every doctor visit was just increasing the dosage of Prozac. When I was hospitalized for the third time this year, they reset my dosage size. At some point I just said screw it and stopped taking it. They finally got me on something else that probably isn’t working either. I’m becoming more unstable, yet they actually think I’m getting better. The only reason they seem to think that is because I’m not going into crying fits like I used too. That likely had to do with taking me off my hormones, which I believe they had no right too.
I believe back in 2007, someone I went to see to do something (I don’t remember what it was) misunderstood me. I was looking angry and she told me I wasn’t really feeling that way because she said she understood autism. No, I actually was angry. I don’t remember why, maybe I was bored. I did a series of tests and at the end; I was classified as low functioning autistic. This is the only time that ever happened. No, I am high functioning or I probably wouldn’t be able to interact the way I do, including figuring out how to use this website.
During 2008, I was talking to a gay male therapist that I’ve seen for about a year at that point. During one session that my mother also joined, he basically claimed that because I didn’t feel transgender since early childhood, that I wasn’t really transgender. I never went back to him after that. Between that and the behavior of the gay men in a group he ran, it gave me a taste of transphobia in the gay community.
Back in 2009, I was hospitalized. During the week stay, the doctor at one point tried to get me to make friends with one of the staff because he knew I had a social weakness. I straight up told him no. I don’t remember exactly what I said since that happened eight years ago, but I basically said it was a stupid idea, that I would never see that person again. After getting out of the hospital, I didn’t see that person again. I think they had little to no understanding of autism. They had little booklets for things like bipolar disorder, but nothing on Asperger’s or autism. At one point I complained about specific food I was given and the nurse dismissed me by saying “food is food”. Umm… excuse me? Didn’t she have any understanding of mental conditions and disorders possibly affecting how someone reacts to food? Aspies are picky eaters. I got most of my food out of the vending machines that my mother gave me money for because I didn’t like the food they served. I generally can’t stand school or hospital food.
Also in 2009 I had a therapist that barely gave me time to talk to her. She would seem to be focused on other things during our session. When I told her I was transgender, she didn’t believe me. I’m not sure why I didn’t leave her on the spot, but I should have.
This year I was hospitalized three separate times. In September it happened twice. During my latest hospital stay, I had a doctor who didn’t seem to care to help me at all. I was in a crying emotional fit and she refused to talk to me. I’m in a freaking hospital, am I not allowed to have strong emotions? She just straight up dismissed me and refused to talk to me when I needed help the most. She also more or less said that I would always be miserable if I don’t open up to people more. What the heck?! So it’s either her road or the high road? It’s not like I didn’t tried to open up to people several times throughout my life, which mostly backfired. Also when I was relocated to another facility, a medical worker there said “I challenge you to talk to the people here”. I was like nope.
Then I had the adult partial hospitalization program. It was four weeks of going there and being taught coping skills. The problem was that it was too little too late for me. I felt like I didn’t learn anything there except how much more I hate the medical treatment I’ve been getting. I’m way beyond the point that deep breathing and other tactics will improve my situation. Also a therapist there indirectly told me I was being rude by not speaking to other people. What?! Even mentioning I’m an introvert and have Asperger’s wasn’t enough to get me off the hook. I don’t like small talk. Even strangers greeting me is an annoyance at this point because that puts me on the spot to have to greet them back or break a social rule.
What is the medical community’s deal with trying to “fix” me by getting me to make small talk with strangers? Do they not understand not everyone is into this whole social business? Can I have my wishes of wanting to be left alone respected? No, of course not.
Also a doctor that I see this year doesn’t seem to understand me either. He said part of treatment is not only meds, but also meeting new people. In other words, going to groups. That may be true in general, but I swear this whole deal with going to groups just hurts me more. Every time I fail to make a connection with people, I just feel worse about myself. For a society that’s supposed to be really progressive and open minded, it sure has an issue with people that are loners. He also said that working, serving the community, would make me feel better. I have a part time job sorting mail, which took me a long time to get with help, and I don’t feel any better for “serving the community”.
Another doctor gave me hope that I could get Medicare which could help pay for my transgender operations. However I found out that in order to get Medicare, I need SSDI, but to get SSDI, I had to have worked for a certain amount of time. I’m disabled, yet I’m expected to have worked before I get help for my disability? It’s like the system is designed for people who became disabled and not those were disabled to begin with. That shattered my hope and took a very emotional tow on me.
I currently see a therapist that specializes in transgender issues. I feel I’m going to have a falling out with her soon enough. In other for me to get the surgeries I need, she says I have to be emotionally stable. I get that they want to be sure I want this, but it seems to be done in such a hindering way. I’m emotionally unstable for several reasons and not having the right body is one of them. It’s a catch 22. I feel I won’t get emotionally stable till I get the surgeries, but she won’t sign off for me to get the surgeries till I get emotionally stable first. I feel this is so backwards. It’s like saying they won’t give you meds to help your depression till you overcome your depression first. It’s like missing a leg and not getting a prosthetic leg till you walked some miles on one leg first. Ultimately I feel I’m going to get nowhere with this. What am I supposed to do, pretend I’m stable?
I am so done with the medical system. They have really helped the reasons I hate society in general. I can’t so unique they don’t understand how to properly help me. Oh sure there’s the deal of helping myself as well, but I feel I’ve done all I can with that. I take my meds. I tried socializing with people. I tried fixing the main source of my depression, being transgender. I’m a broken mess because the medical system failed me. I bagged and pled to the system to help me. I have no hope for my future.
I believe back in 2007, someone I went to see to do something (I don’t remember what it was) misunderstood me. I was looking angry and she told me I wasn’t really feeling that way because she said she understood autism. No, I actually was angry. I don’t remember why, maybe I was bored. I did a series of tests and at the end; I was classified as low functioning autistic. This is the only time that ever happened. No, I am high functioning or I probably wouldn’t be able to interact the way I do, including figuring out how to use this website.
During 2008, I was talking to a gay male therapist that I’ve seen for about a year at that point. During one session that my mother also joined, he basically claimed that because I didn’t feel transgender since early childhood, that I wasn’t really transgender. I never went back to him after that. Between that and the behavior of the gay men in a group he ran, it gave me a taste of transphobia in the gay community.
Back in 2009, I was hospitalized. During the week stay, the doctor at one point tried to get me to make friends with one of the staff because he knew I had a social weakness. I straight up told him no. I don’t remember exactly what I said since that happened eight years ago, but I basically said it was a stupid idea, that I would never see that person again. After getting out of the hospital, I didn’t see that person again. I think they had little to no understanding of autism. They had little booklets for things like bipolar disorder, but nothing on Asperger’s or autism. At one point I complained about specific food I was given and the nurse dismissed me by saying “food is food”. Umm… excuse me? Didn’t she have any understanding of mental conditions and disorders possibly affecting how someone reacts to food? Aspies are picky eaters. I got most of my food out of the vending machines that my mother gave me money for because I didn’t like the food they served. I generally can’t stand school or hospital food.
Also in 2009 I had a therapist that barely gave me time to talk to her. She would seem to be focused on other things during our session. When I told her I was transgender, she didn’t believe me. I’m not sure why I didn’t leave her on the spot, but I should have.
This year I was hospitalized three separate times. In September it happened twice. During my latest hospital stay, I had a doctor who didn’t seem to care to help me at all. I was in a crying emotional fit and she refused to talk to me. I’m in a freaking hospital, am I not allowed to have strong emotions? She just straight up dismissed me and refused to talk to me when I needed help the most. She also more or less said that I would always be miserable if I don’t open up to people more. What the heck?! So it’s either her road or the high road? It’s not like I didn’t tried to open up to people several times throughout my life, which mostly backfired. Also when I was relocated to another facility, a medical worker there said “I challenge you to talk to the people here”. I was like nope.
Then I had the adult partial hospitalization program. It was four weeks of going there and being taught coping skills. The problem was that it was too little too late for me. I felt like I didn’t learn anything there except how much more I hate the medical treatment I’ve been getting. I’m way beyond the point that deep breathing and other tactics will improve my situation. Also a therapist there indirectly told me I was being rude by not speaking to other people. What?! Even mentioning I’m an introvert and have Asperger’s wasn’t enough to get me off the hook. I don’t like small talk. Even strangers greeting me is an annoyance at this point because that puts me on the spot to have to greet them back or break a social rule.
What is the medical community’s deal with trying to “fix” me by getting me to make small talk with strangers? Do they not understand not everyone is into this whole social business? Can I have my wishes of wanting to be left alone respected? No, of course not.
Also a doctor that I see this year doesn’t seem to understand me either. He said part of treatment is not only meds, but also meeting new people. In other words, going to groups. That may be true in general, but I swear this whole deal with going to groups just hurts me more. Every time I fail to make a connection with people, I just feel worse about myself. For a society that’s supposed to be really progressive and open minded, it sure has an issue with people that are loners. He also said that working, serving the community, would make me feel better. I have a part time job sorting mail, which took me a long time to get with help, and I don’t feel any better for “serving the community”.
Another doctor gave me hope that I could get Medicare which could help pay for my transgender operations. However I found out that in order to get Medicare, I need SSDI, but to get SSDI, I had to have worked for a certain amount of time. I’m disabled, yet I’m expected to have worked before I get help for my disability? It’s like the system is designed for people who became disabled and not those were disabled to begin with. That shattered my hope and took a very emotional tow on me.
I currently see a therapist that specializes in transgender issues. I feel I’m going to have a falling out with her soon enough. In other for me to get the surgeries I need, she says I have to be emotionally stable. I get that they want to be sure I want this, but it seems to be done in such a hindering way. I’m emotionally unstable for several reasons and not having the right body is one of them. It’s a catch 22. I feel I won’t get emotionally stable till I get the surgeries, but she won’t sign off for me to get the surgeries till I get emotionally stable first. I feel this is so backwards. It’s like saying they won’t give you meds to help your depression till you overcome your depression first. It’s like missing a leg and not getting a prosthetic leg till you walked some miles on one leg first. Ultimately I feel I’m going to get nowhere with this. What am I supposed to do, pretend I’m stable?
I am so done with the medical system. They have really helped the reasons I hate society in general. I can’t so unique they don’t understand how to properly help me. Oh sure there’s the deal of helping myself as well, but I feel I’ve done all I can with that. I take my meds. I tried socializing with people. I tried fixing the main source of my depression, being transgender. I’m a broken mess because the medical system failed me. I bagged and pled to the system to help me. I have no hope for my future.
