The dreadful, annoying, "how are you?"

[Autism]

I never know how to respond to the generic, "How are you?" Once when I was in a vocational program, a counselor had asked me, "How are you?" So far, so good. This actually happened many times, but one day when I wasn't particularly fine, I hesitated when he asked me. Apparently my silence made him nervous, so he prompted further, "How are you -- fine, huh, fine?" I resented his manner because it was almost as though he was desperate to hear that I was fine. I doubt he cared what the true answer would have been.

Speaking for myself, sometimes when I'm asked that question in the morning (as in an office setting), I might reply that it's too early for me to know that yet. Still, I find that, "How are you?" tends to be a rhetorical question. No one is listening for an answer. I'm a cyclist, and once I replied to the asker that I'd been hit by a car a couple of days prior. The asker proceeded with the conversation as though I'd said, "Fine." Sometimes when I actually care how the person is doing, I might ask simply, "How's life?" because that can warrant a more thoughtful response.

This can be a tricky question: where I am from you will hear exactly from that person how that person is: but you might want to pull up a chair and look at numerous x-rays and doctor reports while this person will tell you exactly how he or she is.

 

[KassieMac]

If I'm having a bad day & I know it shows, I'll just say "You really don't want to know" in an offhand, figure-of-speech, I-don't-want-to-tell-you sort of way ... it ends the small-talk & allows me to get to the real purpose of the conversation ... but I have to say, the straightforward honesty of the words (if taken literally) feels really good.

Edit for clarification: I'm not saying that it feels good to hurt anyone's feelings; I know what I say won't be taken literally (as it never has been). I'm saying that it feels good to speak honestly. Everyone should have that right.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Just wanted to remind everyone that NT-bashing isn't tolerated on this forum.

 

[square_peg]

I don't mind it if it comes from someone who cares about me because I know that they know they're going to get the truth (good or bad) and I believe they're asking because they actually want to know.. but I detest the question from people who are just engaging in idle chit chat. Annoys the hell out of me. I want to reply 'you don't care so why ask?' But instead I just play the game, say 'good thanks', and move on.

It's no surprise that I don't like small talk, I'm not good at it and quite frankly I don't understand the point. I don't find it honest or authentic and it drains me.

I'd love to go a day where I disabled my filter. That would be an interesting day however my partner strongly suggests I leave it in place whilst in public hehehe

 

[KassieMac]

I just heard an excellent idea (actually I thought I heard it, but when I replayed the podcast that's not what she said -- so I guess my subconscious came up with it) ... when someone asks "How are you?" reply "Hodor." Given the popularity of Game of Thrones, this should go over well!

Ok, I'll admit that I'm not watching GoT, but the nutshell version is that the character Hodor can only say "Hodor." That's the answer to every question, it's the only word he can say. Almost interesting enough to make me watch an episode.

 

[CeasarKungPow]

HaHa. One of the worse questions indeed. I always feel like I am being untruthful when saying i'm fine because a lot of the times my mind is in turmoil. "I'm depressed today, would you like to know why? It might take an hour or so to get to the point though..." I don't think anyone wants a long drawn out explanation as to how I am! And yet I feel I'm lying when saying I'm ok or fine. I don't see the point. Why not just say hello?
Also the "are you alright?" Just because I don't have a fake smile plastered on my face or jumping with joy and making boring small does not mean I'm angry or unhappy. It just means I'm stuck in my head and possibly having a nice chat with someone in my head or rehearsing how I'm going to ask for some time off or rehearsing a phone call.
Wow.

 

[WereBear]

What helped me was realizing this is not meant to be interpreted as words.

Every country has a meaningless greeting phrase. In Japan, I understand it is something about the weather, for instance. It is like radar pinging a ship or submarine. Hi, I'm here. Hi back, I am also here.

That is all it means so I don't get into "word mode" about it.

 

[JonJoe]

Oh yes. I don't like this question. Normally I'll say I'm fine and then they say their fine and then what the hell am I supposed to say? That's why I hate the question because I know it's going to lead to a dead end and make me responsible for continuing the conversation. I never know if I should answer the question with more information as I never really hear other people give detailed answers to this question. One question I hate even more than this one is I have a friend who always asks me what's new? To which my mind goes completely blank and I just say nothing much which kind of kills the conversation.

 

[WereBear]

One question I hate even more than this one is I have a friend who always asks me what's new? To which my mind goes completely blank and I just say nothing much which kind of kills the conversation.

The expected response (unless Martians have actually landed) is "Same ol' same ol'."

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I do detest the "How are you?" greeting. It's apparently polite to not waste the person's time by explaining how you are actually feeling and if you do you come across as whining when they were asking you how you're feeling. Somehow we're the ones in the wrong. So I just get on with it and say "I'm fine, thanks", save myself the negatively.

Dogs do greetings better. If the don't snarl, fight or run away, they smell each other and go on from there.

They also smell each other's bums.

 

[Elemental]

My biggest, perennial problem when someone asks "How are you"? is remembering to return that courtesy once I've responded.."...& how are you.."? should be so easy & natural a convention but even where I know I have this issue, it can still be an effort to put into practice. It's the taking-things-literally thing again I think.

 

[CK1977]

I don't like this question because it is to broad a question. Also I think it is sometimes it is not genuine or the other person doesn't have enough patience to want to know.

 

[JCat]

"Can't complain; and even if I did no one would listen ..." (Preferably said in a tone similar to Eeyore's!)

 

[Meg12]

Am I the only aspie who really hates this greeting more than anything?

It feels to be the most forced, non-authentic, and meaningless way to begin a conversation. I also really dislike the fact that I am expected to say it back.

"How are you?"
"Fine, and you?"
"I'm good."

It sounds so stupid. It is such an analytic process every time as well as I feel I'm supposed to say something but don't know if I'm up to it, or how to say it without it sounding cheesy or dull. I just never ask anyone how they are because it is uncomfortable to me.

absolutely ridiculous!!!! It pains me to respond to the obligatory greeting jargon! The only thing that helps me is to say something acceptable but unexpected like "howdy" and then enjoy that somehow I'm a weirdo for saying that instead of what's expected.

 

[OkRad]

This is a great post. To me, "How Are You?" is perfectly OK because I never answer or mumble fine. People catch on pretty quick.

What DOES bother me is that blasted requirement to greet people. Since my accident, I am going way back into my autism which means my thought life is on its own again, and I like it.

So, for instance, if I am walking down the street and people are walking, too, you have to greet them. If you don't they get mad.

I was at gym recently, a lady came in: She says "Hi!"
I do not respond beccause I am thinking really hard about land navigation and compasses and stuff.

She comes right up to me in my face and says "I SAID HI!!!"

OMG I got so pissed. First I said "Oh sorry, I had an accident and I don't talk much now."

THEN? I was starting to lose it. It does not take much and I thought she might beat the sh*t out of me if I said something. I was about to ask her why she thought she had the right to get MAD AT ME for not answering her!!!! I was about to melt down in public and I couild not do that.

So I started to talk to myself. And loud.

All the questions in my head, like "WHY DID SHE FEEL SHE HAD A RIGHT TO DO THAT?" I answered out loud. I did not ask the questions, but just answered them out loud.

"I don't f-ing know!!"
"How the HELL am I supposed to know?"
"Calm down, OKRAD.......Calm down. Just stop for a minute."
"ARE YOU F-ing SERIOUS??"
"I don't know, I don't know I don't know!!!! "

She started to look at me like -well- like I am nuts and looked a little worried.
My other option was to just lose it, so I lost it half way.
She won't be rude to me again, that is for sure.

 

[Alcyon]

I myself don't have a problem with this opening exchange. Living in a big city and necessarily, at times, treating others and being treated by others as a mere object or obstacle (you try getting from one end of a packed subway platform to the other with fancy manners!) this little one act play depicts two people recogonising each other's humanity, even if only in the most superficial way.

My favourite response to "how are you?" is "so far, so good!" I usually see people do a subtle double-take at the unexpected and benign reply and I get rewarded with a smile.

And when people say "my, what a lovely day!" I look 'em in the eye and say "thank you."

 

[Meg12]

The expected response (unless Martians have actually landed) is "Same ol' same ol'."

yep..... I usually go for "just keep on truckin'" !!!

 

[Greg]

Am I the only aspie who really hates this greeting more than anything?

It feels to be the most forced, non-authentic, and meaningless way to begin a conversation. I also really dislike the fact that I am expected to say it back.

"How are you?"
"Fine, and you?"
"I'm good."

It sounds so stupid. It is such an analytic process every time as well as I feel I'm supposed to say something but don't know if I'm up to it, or how to say it without it sounding cheesy or dull. I just never ask anyone how they are because it is uncomfortable to me.

Just once it would be awesome to just answer them that "this day just didn't start out right and it totally sucks!!!" I bet from that point forward they wouldn't ask