The cost of suppressing your autie/aspie self

[Karin]

K, I dabbled with writing also, all on type writer -hard copy. Need to put into 'puter. My wife was one of the Savannah newspaper editors during the time of (midnight in the garden of good and evil) and knew, and partied with the entire cast of characters.
Anyway I think she would edit for me, but I don't think I ever showed her the work, but I'm not sure that I really have anything to share that would not show me up to be the fool that I assume I am.

I spent a lot of time learning the craft and being part of critters.com. It's a great community where you can have your own work edited and commented by a bunch of other people, provided you also comment and edit. I nearly died each time one of my short stories were up but I got proof I could write. And got better as I went. But getting even short stories published is a long and hard road. In the end I didn't have the patience for it.

 

[Karin]

Karin, ok I think we understand each other. Long long ago and far away, I too had an interest in photography, and shared several other of your interests.
I had an acquaintance who was a plant broker in S. Fla. There was a plant brokers convention up coming soon and the photographer took sick. Well my pal asked if I could do the gig, and said yes. Mind you I was not a pro, just a putz with audacity.
The next day I went to a camera store that I had a few dealings with, and rented a Nikon F2, a flash, a 35- 105 zoom and about 10 rolls of high quality slide film. Then I went to the brokers convention and pretended to know what I was doing.
About a week later everything was processed onto 8x10 contact sheets and all these sheets were sent to the attendees of the convention. At the time I had to stretch my budget far beyond the limits of reason.
Within a week, I had orders for many hundreds of 8x 10 glossies that the brokers themselves selected from the contact sheets.
So, I paid cash and bought the equipment that I rented, established a rep, even did a mag cover. My $300/500 investment garnered me about 5-6 k on the back end. I could give you dozens of other examples but I don't want to wear you out with boredom.
I will conclude with this, I am a retired lapidary, I like to cut stone and gems, especially cutting opal. I do not like dealing with people in person. A quandary, no. I established connections with front people and art galleries to push the work whilst I cut stone at home.
Ah, the point ...do not conform to the world. Think out of the box and compel the world to modify its attitudes to appreciate you and your work.
I could be wrong, use your best judgement.

Great stories! Thank you! I love gems too! I considered studying gemology and also considered learning to cut stones myself. In the end I decided to learn by self-study and leave it at that. I'm giving it a rest, though, as I got too annoyed my little rubies and sapphires are so small.

About 9 years ago I made another decision - to steer by my intuition and not my 'sense'. It made my life a lot more fun and interesting compared to my more scientific approach in the past. I have come across so many opportunities during those years and have gone after each of them. A stranger offering to show my jewelry in New York. A Portuguese woman offering my money I used for traveling, including going to India to teach metaphysics. Showing up at the local culture center with two paintings and being offered a 50 piece exhibition. Meeting a stranger a foggy day by the beach who said I should try volunteer as photographer at the local paper - something I love to do and no one has ever found out who I met.

And every piece of equipment I have wanted (camera #1, camera #2, Macbook retina, etc.) has always come to me. The only thing I can't do yet is actually make money And at the same it's a good thing I am not tied up as I have needed to take care of my daughter 24/7 since the end of September. We have been hospitalized in the Children's Psychiatric Hospital for a good month now and I am able to leave for some hours, knowing she is in good hands. But I am still tied to the clock and need to catch up on a lot more time alone before I de-stress enough to think about income. My best plan right now is looking for freelance work with the agencies that take photos for real estate agents.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Great stories! Thank you! I love gems too! I considered studying gemology and also considered learning to cut stones myself. In the end I decided to learn by self-study and leave it at that. I'm giving it a rest, though, as I got too annoyed my little rubies and sapphires are so small.

About 9 years ago I made another decision - to steer by my intuition and not my 'sense'. It made my life a lot more fun and interesting compared to my more scientific approach in the past. I have come across so many opportunities during those years and have gone after each of them. A stranger offering to show my jewelry in New York. A Portuguese woman offering my money I used for traveling, including going to India to teach metaphysics. Showing up at the local culture center with two paintings and being offered a 50 piece exhibition. Meeting a stranger a foggy day by the beach who said I should try volunteer as photographer at the local paper - something I love to do and no one has ever found out who I met.

And every piece of equipment I have wanted (camera #1, camera #2, Macbook retina, etc.) has always come to me. The only thing I can't do yet is actually make money And at the same it's a good thing I am not tied up as I have needed to take care of my daughter 24/7 since the end of September. We have been hospitalized in the Children's Psychiatric Hospital for a good month now and I am able to leave for some hours, knowing she is in good hands. But I am still tied to the clock and need to catch up on a lot more time alone before I de-stress enough to think about income. My best plan right now is looking for freelance work with the agencies that take photos for real estate agents.

K, I think you are on a good path. Sorry to hear about you difficultly.
Keep in touch I might be helpful.
Do what you love, and the money often follows. I must leave now to wait in a health care waiting room myself. Later.

 

[Etzelaire]

I'm breaking down, I think I'll give up and retire to live in my tiny little world forever wherever the cost of it. This is so exhausting I cannot go on like this, really. This is so tough I don't fit anywhere. People are very strange and I think I need so much help and have no money nor can make it cause I get fired and I worry more and more as years pass and feel ever more lonely and sad.

 

[Datura]

That's really tough, Etzelaire. Aren't there any publicly funded or non-profit resources you can access?

 

[royinpink]

I often suffer sore shoulders, neck, and headaches. Progressive muscle relaxation and yoga help a great deal. Sometimes I'll also take a Tylenol.

I think yoga is helpful, but only as prevention. Once the pain has started, it's too late, and I'm stuck dealing with it for 2-3 days. Tylenol can dull the pain slightly, so it's more 'fuzzy' pain than sharp pain, but that's about it. That's probably because of my bad shoulder.

When it came to being a woman though, it suddenly mattered very much that people accept me, that they not see me as some kind of freak.

Do you think that is just how you felt because of transitioning, or something that is a result of greater pressure to conform for women? I wouldn't be surprised if it's the latter.

Royinpink, I tried meditation but found it too difficult so I developed a trick that I found relaxing.
I imagine 1 red corpuscle in my big toe and I imagine this red cell moving up and down each toe, all over the feet, swirling around all the joints, mentally paying attention where this virtual cell is soothed all my pains, usually in a few minutes.

Thanks, I do find it helpful to focus on breathing and individual muscles, so I can imagine that does something similar for your focus. Maybe something similar would work for me, or imagining a 'safe place' and focusing on all the sensory input there.

I've found running and yoga to be helpful.. when I'm not too tired to go. Kind of a vicious cycle of being too tired vs actually going and getting the benefits of that. I haven't been in months. Yoga really does help with the tense muscles, though.

I do running and yoga too! ...when I can. Agree about the vicious cycle.

I have noticed some of what you'd called "autistic regression" as well.. I catch myself stimming more in public and covering my ears if I'm on a patio outside and a fire engine rushes past. But honestly, I've decided that if I'm more comfortable, I don't care what anyone else thinks...

I think autistic regression mostly refers to people who were verbal but lose speech for awhile (usually more than a day or two--sometimes permanently), but it applies to other autistic traits as well. I'm too lazy to look it up right now. I'd already given myself more 'permission' to stim or have downtime/alone time, etc. I used the term because besides that, there are times now when I really can't control it and I just stop being able to do things...like a couple days ago a person gave me a list of four suggestions, and I could only remember the fourth. Usually my auditory processing and working memory problems are there but I can cope (I guess I do that by visualizing each step as I go so that I can 'look' back at the pictures mentally?). Now I can't. Or a week ago, I actually spun and flapped my hands in front of my boss . Just once, so maybe it was not recognized as a stim, and no one else was around, but still. Every time I come up against this, I start to cry, because it's like an ability has gone totally missing. I just can't anymore.

I think the thing that has helped the most is just saying no to things I don't want to do.. especially social things

Definitely agree with this.

I'm breaking down, I think I'll give up and retire to live in my tiny little world forever wherever the cost of it. This is so exhausting I cannot go on like this, really. This is so tough I don't fit anywhere. People are very strange and I think I need so much help and have no money nor can make it cause I get fired and I worry more and more as years pass and feel ever more lonely and sad.

Please know that there is a way, and there are people who know what it is like, at least a little bit, and we are here for you. You can go on, but you may need to make some changes. You have the power to make those changes, even if it seems impossible right now. Is there anyone who you can ask for help?

 

[Warmheart]