Taking everything personally in a relationship

[livinggreen]

Hello all. I am new to the forums and would be happy to have any and all input, comments and suggestions. I am in my early 40s and have had many great relationships with women over the years. However, the same issues seem to present themselves in all of my relationships - taking things personally, worrying and obsessing over things that are going well. Please let me know if you have encountered the same:

- I take everything personally, even things that I know are not personal. For example, if my girlfriend chooses to hang out with her friends one night when she knows I am free, I take this as a choice of them over me. Inside I know this is not the case, but I can't hide my disappointment and usually relay it in a very dumb way or a one-sided conversation where I say I don't know what is wrong. This becomes double for me if we have plans and plans are broken because of something else. I tend to feel unimportant at that time even when I know that I am not. Before I knew about AS it always came across as jealousy or insecurity, but I know it is partly AS that makes me feel like this. I have learned to keep it to a minimum, but it still gets the best of me.

- I also worry about everything. If I text my girlfriend and she doesn't respond in a reasonable amount of time, I start to worry. I used to worry about cheating, but that has gone away as I have learned to trust much more. However, now I worry about well being and it comes across as worrying about other things. Because of my distinct personality which makes me want to text people back right away, I find it hard to wrap my head around people being busy (movies, talking, working) and it drives me more crazy than anyone. I keep my phone so close just so I can get the text even when it is about virtually nothing.

- If my girlfriend is not "on" or "regular" I immediately think there is a problem with us. As if it's not possible to be annoyed or upset by other things, I determine that it must be us. This was further drilled into my brain when in my last relationship, my girlfriend always said nothing was wrong and then in the end said that something was always wrong and that she didn't know how to tell me. So now I have reinforced my already unrealistic belief that if my new girlfriend is not "on" then she has a problem with me that I don't know about.

There is really much more, but these seem to always come up. Again, I feel fortunate to be able to manage my mild Aspergers enough to have all of these opportunities in relationships over the years, but I would love to get a grasp on worrying over nothing and taking everything personally. I believe this is a common theme, but would like to hear some other experiences. Thanks.

 

[Jesse]

Hi Livinggreen,

I also have difficulty not taking things personally. I am also in my early fourties and have been married for almost 14 years. I was probably worse years ago but I still struggle with this issue today.

My wife seems to be very easily irritated by me and I find it really difficult to keep calm and listen to her when she is upset. I think that this is mainly due to two things. Firstly my difficulty not taking her complaints about me personally, and secondly, I struggle with her emotion and how she expresses herself.

I would love to know how not to take personally highly critical comments about oneself, especially when you consider them to be unfounded. I used to try really hard to listen to her in the early days of our marriage but after an hour (if I lasted that long) I would melt down and just need to get well away from her. Eventually I learnt not to melt down, which has helped our relationship, but it doesn't mean that I'm finding it easy because I certainly am not!

My wife insists that when she is upset she is just being 'passionate'! To me it usually looks and sounds like anger and this, combined with the negative comments about me is difficult for me to cope with. I have tried to train myself to see it as passionate rather than anger and this sometimes works.

I don't identify with your upset with regards to your girlfriend choosing to spend time with others rather than always you. I would enjoy the space and time alone. I have tried to find ways to get some time away from my family in order to get some time alone. I can, of course, see how your situation could upset you - I guess that you a) need to accept that she needs time with others - that's healthy, and b) spend your time alone planning how to make her feel special the next time you are together.

I can identify with your tendency to worry. I have always done this and still do if my wife doesn't come home when I expected. I think this is quite normal for us Aspies - unfortunately. Again, all you can do is rationalise the situation and think through the most likely reasons behind the delay/issue.

I hope that my reply has been useful. Please do keep writing as there are many of us here who genuinely want to help as and where we can. Just knowing that you are not alone and unique is a big help I find.

 

[Jesse]

Hi Livinggreen,

I also have difficulty not taking things personally. I am also in my early fourties and have been married for almost 14 years. I was probably worse years ago but I still struggle with this issue today.

My wife seems to be very easily irritated by me and I find it really difficult to keep calm and listen to her when she is upset. I think that this is mainly due to two things. Firstly my difficulty not taking her complaints about me personally, and secondly, I struggle with her emotion and how she expresses herself.

I would love to know how not to take personally highly critical comments about oneself, especially when you consider them to be unfounded. I used to try really hard to listen to her in the early days of our marriage but after an hour (if I lasted that long) I would melt down and just need to get well away from her. Eventually I learnt not to melt down, which has helped our relationship, but it doesn't mean that I'm finding it easy because I certainly am not!

My wife insists that when she is upset she is just being 'passionate'! To me it usually looks and sounds like anger and this, combined with the negative comments about me is difficult for me to cope with. I have tried to train myself to see it as passionate rather than anger and this sometimes works.

I don't identify with your upset with regards to your girlfriend choosing to spend time with others rather than always you. I would enjoy the space and time alone. I have tried to find ways to get some time away from my family in order to get some time alone. I can, of course, see how your situation could upset you - I guess that you a) need to accept that she needs time with others - that's healthy, and b) spend your time alone planning how to make her feel special the next time you are together.

I can identify with your tendency to worry. I have always done this and still do if my wife doesn't come home when I expected. I think this is quite normal for us Aspies - unfortunately. Again, all you can do is rationalise the situation and think through the most likely reasons behind the delay/issue.

I hope that my reply has been useful. Please do keep writing as there are many of us here who genuinely want to help as and where we can. Just knowing that you are not alone and unique is a big help I find.

 

[Bay]

I wonder sometimes if this isn't the result of a lifetime of "getting it wrong" and not being able to understand cues and other Neurotypical norms. We rarely seem to know where we stand, and without feedback we may assume the worst. At least, this is the theory that I have come up with in regard to my own, similar insecurities. With some people, I can ask "Are we ok?" but it doesn't work with others, and often isn't even appropriate, in the eyes of Neurotypicals. My partner understands that I often don't know whether she is just quiet or if she is upset (or whatever). Since trying to reason it out for myself usually leads to assuming the worst (and the resulting meltdown), I now just ask her and she is fine with that. She knows that I can't tell and that after a lifetime of inadvertently offending people, I genuinely don't know if I have caused a problem.

 

[wyverary]

I have a female NT friend who tells me rather a lot about her own relationship escapades, and these issues are by no means exclusive to AS. The advice I usually give to her, and the advice I would give you, is that, whenever you find yourself getting upset even as you realize you have no logical reason to do so, just focus on the logical aspect. It takes practice...LOTS of practice. It might help to have a pen and paper and write down what has made you upset and how you are feeling about it; and then, on a separate piece of paper, write it down again, except this time instead of how you are ACTUALLY feeling, write down a more objective assessment of the situation and what would be a more logical response; and then take the first page and tear it up and throw it in the rubbish bin. Something about that physical act of ripping up those old thoughts and tossing them makes it easier for me to let go of them.

 

[livinggreen]

Thanks to Jesse, Bay and wyverary for the responses. I was beginning to think that this post had fallen on deaf ears. The feedback makes me feel so much better and I really appreciate it. Let me respond in differing parts because as many Aspies do, I like lists and separation.

Jesse:
I was married for 8 years and have 2 wonderful children from that marriage. We have been divorced for almost 8 years now and I did not know anything about AS when I was married. I am sure it would not have helped the relationship because I just chose a person who was wrong for me, but it would have helped me at the time immensely to know. I empathize with what you said in all ways. If my girlfriend and I are in any form of a disagreement, whatever she says comes across personally to me and it just makes the cycle take longer as I go into a shell and quietly waste time not talking about the real issues and instead focusing on how I was just offended. I think it is a defense mechanism to her making a good point, but my way of saying to her that she didn't say it nicely enough for me which is unfair to her.

I actually love time by myself, I always have. My issue comes from feeling second best when she chooses to do something over spend time with me. I know it is ridiculous and sometimes that's what makes it worse because I am kind of angry at myself for feeling this way. I have found that for me, prior to living together, it is very helpful for me to know when I am going to see my girlfriend next so I can look forward to it and kind of put it in my mental calendar. She has been very good and understanding of these type of things, but I can't always expect her to understand my AS or give me a pass because of it. Jesse, your reply was extremely useful and I appreciate it very much.

Bay:
I think it's easiest for me being with someone who gets that when I ask "Are we ok?" it doesn't always mean I am convinced there is a problem. She has to know it can be partly my AS and over-thinking tendencies and if she just responds "Yes" or by saying something sweet, we are fine. However, I know what you mean when they don't get it or don't respond to us the way we would like - it goes poorly after that. Some NTs are convinced that it is insecurity and get offended since nothing is really wrong and in many situations, everything has been going fine. I think finding a partner who can just roll with these little hiccups is so important. If they tend to make a big deal out of things that we know are AS, it is going to be a hard relationship to get through on both ends. Thanks for your comments, I appreciate it.

wyverary:
I am of course, ultra logical, but sometimes I know it is illogical and still can't change the way I am thinking at the time. The idea of writing it down is fantastic, as well as the part about ripping it up. I am going to try this for sure. I have been told writing about things can help immensely, especially in reasoning out things, but the truth is that I have always felt like putting pen to paper would make me feel worse because I am showing myself how illogical I am being. I can now see that the process of writing the truth, then the logic and then tearing up the original truth/feelings could be cathartic. Thanks for the great tip!

 

[Bay]

wyverary:
I am of course, ultra logical, but sometimes I know it is illogical and still can't change the way I am thinking at the time. The idea of writing it down is fantastic, as well as the part about ripping it up. I am going to try this for sure. I have been told writing about things can help immensely, especially in reasoning out things, but the truth is that I have always felt like putting pen to paper would make me feel worse because I am showing myself how illogical I am being. I can now see that the process of writing the truth, then the logic and then tearing up the original truth/feelings could be cathartic. Thanks for the great tip!

You know, livinggreen, you can always "put pen to paper" here with us!

 

[livinggreen]

Exactly Bay, that's kind of why I came here - thanks. And here I can get some feedback, it's great. I take so much personally in life, in love and at work, that I have had to learn to never send that first email or text when I am upset and sometimes to never send that second email or text when I am upset. This applies a lot at work, as well as in interpersonal relationships. Once I have time to digest a situation, I have a much better chance of responding in a way that is more appropriate to the situation before me. I have always tried to excel in all my fields of work just so no one could criticize me, but as we all know, you are never above criticism or failure because we are not perfect!

 

[wyverary]

I take so much personally in life, in love and at work, that I have had to learn to never send that first email or text when I am upset and sometimes to never send that second email or text when I am upset. This applies a lot at work, as well as in interpersonal relationships. Once I have time to digest a situation, I have a much better chance of responding in a way that is more appropriate to the situation before me.

This is a very important point. I'm glad you explicitly deduced what we were probably saying more implicitly.

 

[livinggreen]

I just can't get myself to put that pen to paper to write down what is ailing me first to see how it might not be as bad as it seems in my head. I want to, I just can't get myself to do it and I think it will help a lot if I do. Part of me is just embarrassed that I need to do that to digest a situation properly. Sometimes when I think about it I even see a flow chart of how it might work in my head, but I still won't write it down. I showed my girlfriend this forum and when we were having an issue, she asked me to write it down first, but instead of just doing it because it would help, I took her request as a personal attack on me and the issue dragged on much longer than it should have. I feel bad that I haven't been able to do something that seems so simple and I can't really pinpoint all of the reasons why. With that said, I am going to try it because it sounds like great advice!

 

[Aalo]

As very intense person I tend to think that everything happening to me is somewhat personal, well, because my persona is facing those situations. But it doesn't imply that everything would be about me and therefore taken seriously in that matter. It has been difficult to learn separate these feelings and let most things pass. People around me can be so whimsical, that not all of it, not even those actions, that are intended to be some level personal attacks, can be taken seriously. And that, if something, can piss people off.
It's so much about perspective, and it can be frustrating to take something unintended personally whether I all the time try to monitor my own actions. But being too deeply reserved can fool oneself off guard in situations that get too avid. If I've perceived right, most people actually get more annoyed if I ask whether I was too up front about whole situation, than they'd get of me taking something too personal itself.