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Spouse and I are looking more into AS and getting support :)

A

Andrea

Active Member
My husband (33) recently became a member of your forum. I (31) am not on the spectrum, but want to do all I can in supporting my husband. We have been married for almost 8 years and I have always know that my husband processes things a little differently than most. Over the years I have become increasingly irritated at the lack of understanding that he has toward some things and it has taken a tole on our marriage. I would say in the past year I have started looking into potential answers for the reason he is the way he is not only now in the 30's, but to help him find answers for the troubles he had as a very young child through adulthood.

My husband is brilliant. The smartest person I have ever met. Scary smart. Yet lacks many interpersonal communications that usually come naturally to people. I have done a lot of research on AS and it is a relief to me to sit and read all of the similarities that my husband has. There are some symptoms that I do not notice. So my first questions is: Is it possible for him to have a few/many symptoms, but none of other symptoms??
I do need to talk to him mother because I have only known him for 9 years. There are some things that she may have noticed.

No matter how bad things get, I will always be by my husbands side. I am the only person that hasn't given up on him. Can someone help me on where to start??

-Sunshine
 
Well, you're already getting started in the right way, by doing research on AS. And a site such as this, where you can be in contact with actual persons with AS, (rather than relying exclusively on descriptions from person's who don't themselves have it) is valuable.
What are the sources you have gone to for such research?

I recommend the Youtube videos with Tony Atwood. Anything by Tony Atwood. But I especially like his youtube videos.

Also, the following is a pretty good book about AS/NT romantic relationships. Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships: Ashley Stanford: 9781843107347: Amazon.com: Books (However, I do not recommend anything on the same subject by Maxine Aston. Not unless you want to learn how to despair, and how to stop supporting/understanding your husband.)
 
Hi Andrea and welcome,
My wife use to bring up the very things you mention. Arming herself with information only bought her, so far, towards the life she so desperately wanted. It was only the intervention, of a Physcologist, that made the difference, we were both looking for. How well does your husband know his condition and is he recieving any professional help. Your attempts to find out more, is admirable, and a great step in the right direction. There needs to be as much effort coming from the other direction, to be truely happy. 24 years of marriage and the help of a good Physcologist, have proven it to be the case, for me anyway.
Cheers
Turk
 
TURK-

Thank you for the positiveness. I have had a feeling that my husband's thought process wasn't "normal" (he hates that word). It's hard to put all of my feelings and thoughts into these posts here online. There have been so many things that have thrown a red flag out to me in the past 9 years of our relationship. Some I have tried to change thinking "oh it's a guy thing". I just started noticing that things didn't change, despite him doing research, reading and trying his best to help our relationship and to better himself. I noticed that NOTHING was working. But, he is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. I always thought, "WHY doesn't he GET this??!!.......HOW does he not understand what I am trying to say??!!" It's just really recently that I sat down with him so that he and I could read some symptoms of AS together. He is very open to a potential diagnosis but at the same time it changes everything about how he felt in the past, which scares him.

The thought that the 33 years of negativity and the weight he has been carrying around may have an answer is one of the biggest blessings I could ever ask for. It must feel amazing to have a reason behind why you are the way you are instead of being labeled all your life.

We have started the process of getting a professional opinion. I will look into some of the books and videos that could potentially help ME with my relationship with him. It is great to know that there are so many nice and functioning individuals who are open to helping him cope.

Thank you!
 
You are very welcome Andrea,
Despite the endless list of issues, that you havnt, posted, I have a very good idea, as to what they would likely be.
As an Aspie, whose called on, to question, their identity, they are scarey times for us. I fought hard to hold onto an identity, born of self. There are some things we cant change, but with help, we can change what comes after an event. For example- I still cause my wife considerable problems, which I cant necessarily help, in the moment. However, I have learnt how to be supportive and loving, after an event, instead of ignoring signs, I may find uncomfortable.
My wife has said, that she well always support me, as long as im accountable, in the long term. I cant ask for a more fairer outlook, than that. I know this will create a lot of uncertainty, for your husband. Be there for him, in this moment, but dont give up your life, without wanting something in return. When we know better, we do better. Surely an educated man cant find fault in that statement. In saying all this Andrea, we are here for your husband as well. He only need ask and the wealth of life experience, of those on this site, are at his disposal
 
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Welcome :)

As mentioned, Tony Attwood is a good source; you can buy his books on amazon, or the book depository (online store, with free shipping).

Just remember that while many Aspies share common traits, not all traits necessarily need to be there, or can be milder, or stronger, than other's with Aspergers. Many traits may also only be known to himself as well. Also keep in mind that people with AS are on a spectrum; the autism spectrum, meaning there are varying degrees for everyone. Getting a diagnoses can help determine where on the spectrum your husband sits.

It will take a little time to get your head around it, but once you understand AS, it can be a comfort to know that you can learn how to anticipate, and better understand your husbands thinking processes. Your husband sounds like a lucky man, as he is fortunate enough to have a high-level of intelligence. I recommend looking in to High-Functioning Autism too; which is typically a form of Autism which allows an individual to be more independent.

Hope that helps
 
Andrea said:
My husband (33) recently became a member of your forum. I (31) am not on the spectrum, but want to do all I can in supporting my husband. We have been married for almost 8 years and I have always know that my husband processes things a little differently than most. Over the years I have become increasingly irritated at the lack of understanding that he has toward some things and it has taken a tole on our marriage. I would say in the past year I have started looking into potential answers for the reason he is the way he is not only now in the 30's, but to help him find answers for the troubles he had as a very young child through adulthood.

My husband is brilliant. The smartest person I have ever met. Scary smart. Yet lacks many interpersonal communications that usually come naturally to people. I have done a lot of research on AS and it is a relief to me to sit and read all of the similarities that my husband has. There are some symptoms that I do not notice. So my first questions is: Is it possible for him to have a few/many symptoms, but none of other symptoms??
I do need to talk to him mother because I have only known him for 9 years. There are some things that she may have noticed.

No matter how bad things get, I will always be by my husbands side. I am the only person that hasn't given up on him. Can someone help me on where to start??

-Sunshine
Click to expand...

I think it's great you're trying to help your husband out! I have AS and when I'm reading books about AS I find that I will have a few of the symptoms but others I don't seem to have or certain problems are not an issue for me personally, so yes it is possible to have some symptoms and not others. I also think that if you just go on amazon.com and type in Asperger's Syndrome a lot of material will come up that would be extremely helpful. It may also help to have books from your point of view (as someone who wants to understand the autistic spectrum) and books on his point of view (people with AS writing about AS from their perspective).
 
Hi Andrea! As others have said, your husband doesn't need to have every box checked off where symptoms are concerned.

I hope you come to feel at home here. :D
 
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