Should I try to get my Aspie back?

[Plumeria]

Darn. You didn't get the sink unclogged, did you? He told you to let him know if you didn't. (which means if he doesn't hear from you all is A-ok.)

Actually… no, I still haven't unclogged it… it's just draining slow and not completely clogged yet so I'm just gonna fix it myself… I still want a man to pursue me on his own accord, not because I'm making up reasons for him to see me…. and I don't want to push the situation either. When we were together it was always better when I let him come to me, he was happier and more comfortable. I'm glad I texted though, because at least he (hopefully) knows that I am not upset at him and he can text me if he wants to and I'm hoping at some point, he will. If he doesn't … well, at least I tried.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Actually… no, I still haven't unclogged it… it's just draining slow and not completely clogged yet so I'm just gonna fix it myself… I still want a man to pursue me on his own accord, not because I'm making up reasons for him to see me…. and I don't want to push the situation either. When we were together it was always better when I let him come to me, he was happier and more comfortable. I'm glad I texted though, because at least he (hopefully) knows that I am not upset at him and he can text me if he wants to and I'm hoping at some point, he will. If he doesn't … well, at least I tried.

Don't worry, Plumeria. Grumpy Cat nurse will think up something else.

Except, I'm not sure if Aspies actively pursue.

 

[Plumeria]

Don't worry, Plumeria. Grumpy Cat nurse will think up something else.

Except, I'm not sure if Aspies actively pursue.

He pursued me in the beginning… and even more after we didn't talk for a month! So I know he has the capability to pursue if he wants to… the question is… does he want to?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

He pursued me in the beginning… and even more after we didn't talk for a month! So I know he has the capability to pursue if he wants to… the question is… does he want to?

Okie dokie. Good to know. I also read that Aspie men will be all gung ho in the beginning then they just lose interest and decide to go onto something else. Not good for a friendship/relationship to keep going. I read one of those books that you quoted in a past post and I have to say that a lot of what was said in that book depressed me. What do you think about what you have read in books?

 

[Ste11aeres]

I'm agreeing with Nurse Angela. From what I've read, it seems very common for Aspie men to pursue at the beginning and then stop. This seems to be a frustration for many women, From what I understand, it's probably because
1) any man, Aspie or NT, has an initial rush of chemicals in the beginning of first getting to know someone they like. Actually, this goes for women too. This causes people to pursue.
Eventually this initial feelings of obsessiveness and pursuit, get replaced by calmer affectionate feelings. At this point, the person probably cares more about the other person than before. But they pursue less.
2) for an Aspie man, that pursuing is more draining and exhausting than for an NT man. After the initial stage, the Aspie is less likely to keep up a mild form of pursuit than is the NT man.

I've seen this in the way my male Aspie best friend has behaved. (not towards me-since we are just friends-but towards other women).

Also, while he might care about you, his new-ish job probably occupies a lot of his mind now. SOmething like that definitely squelches any remnants of pursuit-ness.

 

[Plumeria]

Okie dokie. Good to know. I also read that Aspie men will be all gung ho in the beginning then they just lose interest and decide to go onto something else. Not good for a friendship/relationship to keep going. I read one of those books that you quoted in a past post and I have to say that a lot of what was said in that book depressed me. What do you think about what you have read in books?

Yes, I've read the same thing... and as Ste11aeres mentioned above, it happens with NT men too. The difference is that NT men usually give reassurance, every now and then, that the relationship is going smoothly and if it isn't, the couple discusses it and makes an effort to improve things. I've read (and experienced with my ex) that Aspie's don't feel they have to communicate if the relationship is going well. The fact that they are there means they want to be there and if they don't want to be there, they will leave…. to me, that's what's scary. Its important for an NT woman to know that everything is ok, otherwise she will feel insecure and worry that he may just leave at any moment. That's kinda what happened to me, he just left without warning

I know from what I've read and what many have said here, that Aspies do have the ability to love. I would hope that if he pursued me, "caught" me and spent time with me … he would eventually fall in love with me and find value in our relationship. I know I treated him well and was patient, understanding and accepting. If he just got bored of me and moved on, then I would assume that there was no love felt for me. But I know what I felt… I know that I admired him and appreciated him and loved him very much.. I was happy with him. Still, I know I can't make him love me or want to be with me, that's something he has to realize on his own and that's why I don't want to force it, even if it makes me sad.

Also, while he might care about you, his new-ish job probably occupies a lot of his mind now. SOmething like that definitely squelches any remnants of pursuit-ness.

He texted on Saturday that he planned to come to my house after work to fix the sink, that means he was working on the weekend. I know for sure he works Monday-Friday so if he was working on Saturday, it means he is still working his second part time job. It could be that his focus has been work since we broke up …

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Yes, I've read the same thing... and as Ste11aeres mentioned above, it happens with NT men too. The difference is that NT men usually give reassurance, every now and then, that the relationship is going smoothly and if it isn't, the couple discusses it and makes an effort to improve things. I've read (and experienced with my ex) that Aspie's don't feel they have to communicate if the relationship is going well. The fact that they are there means they want to be there and if they don't want to be there, they will leave…. to me, that's what's scary. Its important for an NT woman to know that everything is ok, otherwise she will feel insecure and worry that he may just leave at any moment. That's kinda what happened to me, he just left without warning

I agree with you completely! And I read that if they say the "L" word they think they only have to say it once. I still can't get used to that one. (Just call me NT or call me crazy!)

 

[Ste11aeres]

I agree with you completely! And I read that if they say the "L" word they think they only have to say it once. I still can't get used to that one. (Just call me NT or call me crazy!)

Well, I'm not into saying the L word myself, so you won't find me complaining in any hypothetical future relationships!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well, I'm not into saying the L word myself, so you won't find me complaining in any hypothetical future relationships!

I'm the same as you Ste11aeres. But what's that saying? "Do as I say and not as I do". Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't wanna hear it. That's an NT girl for ya!

 

[May Black]

Yes, I've read the same thing... and as Ste11aeres mentioned above, it happens with NT men too. The difference is that NT men usually give reassurance, every now and then, that the relationship is going smoothly and if it isn't, the couple discusses it and makes an effort to improve things. I've read (and experienced with my ex) that Aspie's don't feel they have to communicate if the relationship is going well. The fact that they are there means they want to be there and if they don't want to be there, they will leave…. to me, that's what's scary. Its important for an NT woman to know that everything is ok, otherwise she will feel insecure and worry that he may just leave at any moment. That's kinda what happened to me, he just left without warning

It's actually quite possible to get used to it and learn to read them. You can also ask if they think everything is working fine if you feel insecure and they'll tell you. Don't do it too often, and do explain that you need it from time to time. They have other ways of showing that they care about you and they might even be going way more out of their way to show you than an NT man would. Remember that just being with you might be a struggle for them.

This is just a personal opinion, but if he hasn't brought your clothes back and hasn't really showed any real intention to do so, he's probably scared to lose that last link to you, which I see as a positive thing. I'd still get back to him on the clogged sink if I were you, it will give him a chance to see you without having to bring the clothes. Don't mention them if he doesn't. I'd even go as far as mentioning I'd be glad to see him or something in those lines.

I agree with you completely! And I read that if they say the "L" word they think they only have to say it once. I still can't get used to that one. (Just call me NT or call me crazy!)

It's not great.
I do tell my boyfriend I love him, and generally he'll reply with something like you're all right too. I've gotten used to it being his way of being affectionate, even though it makes no real sense to me. I asked him if he like that I said it to him, he said he does, but he still won't do it himself.

 

[Plumeria]

This is just a personal opinion, but if he hasn't brought your clothes back and hasn't really showed any real intention to do so, he's probably scared to lose that last link to you, which I see as a positive thing. I'd still get back to him on the clogged sink if I were you, it will give him a chance to see you without having to bring the clothes. Don't mention them if he doesn't. I'd even go as far as mentioning I'd be glad to see him or something in those lines.

That's my fear too. As soon as he gives me back my things, we will lose our last link I am still hoping that he has some kind of feeling for me. I did notice that he texted me a lot on Saturday… he replied 15 times to my 6 messages. I know, I know, that is over analyzing but it warms my heart, haha. I know he could of easily answered once to my questions. He was being very helpful in his messages

I am leaving the country on a trip tomorrow so there's no time for him to come over and unclog my sink. I am just going to let things be for now. I do like your idea of telling him I would be glad to see him, so when we do discuss getting my stuff, I will tell him that! Again, I really don't want to push the situation, I have no clue what he's going through right now…

Thank you for always helping me!

 

[Judge]

The dreaded "L" word. Not saying it at the right time and right place cost me an entire relationship. December 25, 1986. To this day I don't know if I was the worst for not saying it, or she for being so unforgiving.

But then she's on husband number three at the moment.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

The dreaded "L" word. Not saying it at the right time and right place cost me an entire relationship. December 25, 1986. To this day I don't know if I was the worst for not saying it, or she for being so unforgiving.

But then she's on husband number three at the moment.

How long had you two been dating, Judge?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

How long had you two been dating, Judge?

And maybe she's on husband #3 because you are her "soul mate".

I know! I just can't stop being a hopeless romantic.

 

[Judge]

How long had you two been dating, Judge?

Dating? We were living together. A matter of months. In looking back I'd say she gave "clingy" a whole new meaning.

It wasn't that I never said the "L" word. I just didn't say it that morning, when it meant something to her while the day meant something very different to me, having nothing to do with her. I had a meltdown that day...

Very sad for both of us. Neither understood each other when we really needed to.

 

[May Black]

That's my fear too. As soon as he gives me back my things, we will lose our last link

It's not really a bad thing, the way I interpreted it would mean he actually wants to keep the option of seeing you again open, which is why I think giving him other opportunity other than returning clothes would be positive.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's not really a bad thing, the way I interpreted it would mean he actually wants to keep the option of seeing you again open, which is why I think giving him other opportunity other than returning clothes would be positive.

I still say call him to unclog the sink. He had left that option open, but its too late now. I have lights that are very difficult to change - maybe you can find something "manly" that needs to be done. Unclog the toilet? One thing I always need help with is something on the computer (I just keep pushing buttons hoping nothing explodes - I screwed it up so much one time I had to do a hard restart and return it to the way it was from the factory.)

 

[Plumeria]

It's not really a bad thing, the way I interpreted it would mean he actually wants to keep the option of seeing you again open, which is why I think giving him other opportunity other than returning clothes would be positive.

I still say call him to unclog the sink. He had left that option open, but its too late now. I have lights that are very difficult to change - maybe you can find something "manly" that needs to be done. Unclog the toilet? One thing I always need help with is something on the computer (I just keep pushing buttons hoping nothing explodes - I screwed it up so much one time I had to do a hard restart and return it to the way it was from the factory.)

I just got back from an oversees trip and I wanted to update you. So it's been over a week since I texted him and he hasn't texted me at all. I was hoping by texting him it would give him the indication that it was okay to text me (if he wanted to) and as an NT, I'm assuming he doesn't want to contact me. I don't understand why he mentioned having my stuff if he's not following through to give them to me. Perhaps he thinks if I really want them, I would ask for it? I know I could probably text him and ask for him to help me with something else but he's showing no interest in coming to see me and the way I see it, I would only be prolonging my pain by finding excuses for him to spend time with me. I miss him and he's constantly on my mind but I think its time for me to accept that we are over and give up

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I just got back from an oversees trip and I wanted to update you. So it's been over a week since I texted him and he hasn't texted me at all. I was hoping by texting him it would give him the indication that it was okay to text me (if he wanted to) and as an NT, I'm assuming he doesn't want to contact me. I don't understand why he mentioned having my stuff if he's not following through to give them to me. Perhaps he thinks if I really want them, I would ask for it? I know I could probably text him and ask for him to help me with something else but he's showing no interest in coming to see me and the way I see it, I would only be prolonging my pain by finding excuses for him to spend time with me. I miss him and he's constantly on my mind but I think its time for me to accept that we are over and give up

I gotta admit Plumeria, I'm with you now. A person can only do so much before it just gets to be a chore. The Aspie book I'm reading mentions how Aspies are all excited at the beginning of a friendship/relationship then something happens and it says they lose interest. To keep a friendship/relationship like that going would not only be a lot of work, but you don't even know if they want the friendship/relationship in the first place. Even with all the information I know, I still wouldn't know what to do if I were in your shoes. Relationships/friendships are hard as it is without the added stuff of wondering if someone really wants to be in the friendship/relationship with you. That's what I would be thinking the whole time - does this person want the friendship/relationship as much as I do? With NT's, actions speak louder than words.

How does one know if an Aspie no longer wants a friendship/relationship? Will they always tell you if they don't?

 

[Plumeria]

I gotta admit Plumeria, I'm with you now. A person can only do so much before it just gets to be a chore. The Aspie book I'm reading mentions how Aspies are all excited at the beginning of a friendship/relationship then something happens and it says they lose interest. To keep a friendship/relationship like that going would not only be a lot of work, but you don't even know if they want the friendship/relationship in the first place. Even with all the information I know, I still wouldn't know what to do if I was in your shoes. Relationships/friendships are hard as it is without the added stuff of wondering if someone really wants to be in the friendship/relationship with you. That's what I would be thinking the whole time - does this person want the friendship/relationship as much as I do? With NT's, actions speak louder than words.

How does one know if an Aspie no longer wants a friendship/relationship? Will they always tell you if they don't?

I've read the same things as well and ironically, it is the "not knowing" how he (AS) feels while in the relationship that causes the (NT) insecurity > that causes the (NT) emotional reaction > that causes the (AS) meltdowns/shutdown > that causes the end If he did lose interest in me, it seemed like it happened over night and even if we were to get back together, who's to say he won't just lose interest again and again? The saddest part of this is that I really do love him very much and accept the way he is and have learned as much as I can to relate to him better but he hasn't shown any interest in me and there's nothing I can do about it… it is what it is.