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Sexual Contradictions

M

Matt88360

Well-Known Member
One feature of Asperger syndrome is the inability to easily understand emotions and motivations. In the sexual realm, this is causing me some difficulty, and has been for some time.

Here's the thing. I am homosexual, but that's not the issue. The issue is that some things that appear to be sexual are of interest to me, but other more properly sexual things are not. For example, often I'll look at pictures on the internet of guys without shirts or in underwear; but I get totally disgusted if I see any exposed genitalia. As a matter of fact, both male and female genitalia completely disgust me.

Then sometimes I'll think about being in bed with a guy, but the thought of any kind of explicitly sexual activity (genital related, such as oral, anal, etc.) disgusts me. But other intimate behavior is pleasing to me.

Here's one possible explanation that I entertained for a while. Modern Western society tends to view a lot of intimacy as primarily or exclusively sexual, but it's not really so. In other cultures today, and in Western society before World War II, these other forms of intimacy (kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc.) were common among men without it being sexual. It's just that Western society chose recently to "sexualize" it. So is what I desire necessarily sexual if I have no motivation for the actually sexual stuff? And if so, why does the other stuff turn me on? What the hell is going on here?

I've been back and forth on this stuff for years, and can't freaking figure it out. I don't care what the sexual orientation is; I just want to know what this is about. It doesn't make sense to me.
 
I'm not sure how the turning on works, but I'm like this. I have to connect with someone intellectually before I feel any kind of connection at all. I have to have an intellectual connection before the intimate connection comes. I don't want to see a shirtless guy in person, but shirtless celebrities? I can do that. If I know him and he's shirtless, and I was intellectually attracted to him, all that attraction is gone once he sends a shirtless picture.

I recently realized/discovered I want an asexual man, or at least a man who wants nothing to do with me below the waist. I don't want any of that... it's not at all interesting to me, and the idea of sex? Ugh, let alone carrying a child and giving labor to one. >.> It just seems all pointless to me... gross, even.

I say my sexuality is straight, because I like men. I just want someone who can marry me who isn't all for PDA and doesn't mind rarely, if ever, having sex in their life.
 
Matt, I think you have analyzed and understood the issue very well.
You are completely correct in that intimacy and sexual stuff are not the (necessarily) the same thing.
I also think that there are different levels of "sexual". There is directly (intercourse related) sex stuff, and there is "sexy" stuff-not quite the same as platonic intimacy, yet not going so far as intercourse type sex. A bit of a gray area does exist.
 
It makes sense to me. When you are atracted to someone it doesn´t necesarily have to do something with sex. I feel thesame way. I can feel atracted to someone, I can like looking at them, even kissing, but sex??? no
 
karla said:
It makes sense to me. When you are atracted to someone it doesn´t necesarily have to do something with sex. I feel thesame way. I can feel atracted to someone, I can like looking at them, even kissing, but sex??? no
Click to expand...

Sure. It (attraction) doesn't all have to be all about sex.
 
I'm in a relationship with someone who seems to be similar .... very sweet, open to little romantic comments from me (to which he can respond in his own kind of cute way), very very huggy ... little tiny kisses, little bit of hand holding, accepts touching and massaging from me ... but a bit short on reciprocation ... he seems fearful of the full on sexual things ... however, he is appreciative of "hot" looking women, likes looking and will comment on these "hotties" etc., but at the same time is kind of sensitive around discussions concerning sex or sexual innuendo, or sexual jokes. It is a weird gray area ... one that I am still trying to figure out how to navigate with him. I feel that I don't quite fall into the "hot" category for him ... but certainly into the romantic loving category ... that is we are intimate emotionally, we seem to have chemistry in other ways and we seem to really click. It's a little bit difficult.
 
It's a minefield for me too so you're not alone. I've had the most intimate moments without going "all the way" - I'm not against it at all but I need the emotional bond for it to have any meaning.
 
There are many types of attraction, sexual, romantic, sensual, platonic... You may benefit from discussing your feelings in the asexual community, we tend to distinguish between these different facets of intimacy more than most, it might help you figure things out.
 
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