Running into people you know when you're out

[Spiller]

I have a similar problem with an elderly woman who lives next door. She's 90 and frail, and I know she's trying to stay in her home so I do help her out with things now and then. I spend a lot of time on my back patio though, in view of her back door, and I don't want to have to acknowledge her every single time I see her. When is it okay to keep my eyes on what I'm doing and ignore her? If I go with a simple, neighborly "hello", I might get asked to do something when I really don't have the time or inclination. I deal with this almost every day, and it's so awkward!

This is a social convention I have real trouble with!
If I go outside and meet my neighbour, I acknowledge him in a friendly way to be polite, he talks at me for a bit, while I scrape around for something to say, then I eventually escape after a cringing eternity.
If I see him outside again, I nod and raise my eyebrows at him (I saw that on TV and practiced in a mirror), often he talks at me again (always the same stuff he said earlier, Aarrgh!).
If I bump into him again later, I feel I have to say something like "We must stop meeting like this", again, to be polite and again I'm opening myself up to another repeat..
Trouble is, I'm stuck inside then - what if I go out and encounter him again? I don't know any more acknowledgements.. I can watch for him out of the window and try to get out of sight quickly, but what if he catches me?
I've stayed hidden in my car before as he can't see me, but I'm painfully aware of looking odd sitting in my car regularly for ages
We're getting into warm weather again now and that's when this sort of thing starts happening a lot

 

[amusic20]

Sometimes I'm really happy to see people I haven't seen in awhile, but sometimes I'm in a rush & I don't want to talk to people. It really depends on my mood, who the person is, & where I am. I live in a small town, so I'm always running into people who I know, especially at the grocery store.

 

[Slithytoves]

See, this is what I like about coming here, I can meet myself in others and think, OK, it isn't just me.

Being a jerk is effortless, but if you can do it in the right accent...sadly, I no longer can!

Oh, I know! My diagnosis wouldn't have meant half as much if I didn't have a community of other Aspies to confirm which parts of me I can attribute to my AS. My whole way of operating has been confirmed in bits and pieces on AC. I feel so much more normally abnormal now.

A good English friend of mine visits me here in the States a couple of times per year, and I've always envied the things he can get away with saying because of his accent. People are so entranced just listening to him that I don't think his sarcasm even registers.

A little confession: I've known and dated so many English people over the years that I have mastered a convincing accent of my own. I use it most when I'm traveling within the U.S., and I'm treated so much better!

 

[Slithytoves]

Trouble is, I'm stuck inside then - what if I go out and encounter him again? I don't know any more acknowledgements.. I can watch for him out of the window and try to get out of sight quickly, but what if he catches me?
I've stayed hidden in my car before as he can't see me, but I'm painfully aware of looking odd sitting in my car regularly for ages
We're getting into warm weather again now and that's when this sort of thing starts happening a lot

If this guy only knew what he was putting you through!

My house is one down from a corner, so I have two neighbors whose back gardens are parallel to mine, and I've also got one running perpendicularly along the back. At least one of them seems to be outside at any given hour of daylight. I have nowhere to hide. My garden is a very pleasant space to hang out in, too, so I don't want to stay inside just because I might have to play the courtesy game all day. It's a never-ending dilemma. If I wasn't a renter, I would have put up a 6' privacy fence years ago.

 

[Billy Smith]

The stop and chat thing can be really awkward as I like to kind of prepare myself a bit for social encounters. When out and about I'm often in my own world so it's a bit startling to be suddenly put on the spot like that. It's terrible really but if it's a mall and I see them before they see me I sometimes nip into the nearest shop or look at my mobile phone.

My counsellor told me all about the fight or flight response and that it's better to face your difficulties but this is easier said than done.

 

[zurb]

My counsellor told me all about the fight or flight response and that it's better to face your difficulties but this is easier said than done.

The only reason I do the 'flight' thing is because its better than the 'freeze' thing once I'm trapped.
I've concluded that there is no right/wrong answer to fight/flight/freeze/fawn. NTs will always insist you should fight, but there is a time and a place for each option. And sometimes you don't have a choice.

 

[Billy Smith]

The only reason I do the 'flight' thing is because its better than the 'freeze' thing once I'm trapped.
I've concluded that there is no right/wrong answer to fight/flight/freeze/fawn. NTs will always insist you should fight, but there is a time and a place for each option. And sometimes you don't have a choice.

Exactly, and because freezing makes you feel bad about your 'performance' it just reinforces the anxiety you feel about those situations.

 

[Warmheart]

Sometimes I've considered running errands in disguise. Unfortunately, my "Aspie walk" (kinda like in that old "Bigfoot sighting" film) is ridiculously distinctive.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have a similar problem with an elderly woman who lives next door. She's 90 and frail, and I know she's trying to stay in her home so I do help her out with things now and then. I spend a lot of time on my back patio though, in view of her back door, and I don't want to have to acknowledge her every single time I see her. When is it okay to keep my eyes on what I'm doing and ignore her? If I go with a simple, neighborly "hello", I might get asked to do something when I really don't have the time or inclination. I deal with this almost every day, and it's so awkward!

Living in a condoplex on the pool side has all the condos in a square. I'm on a corner and now that my tree has been severely cut, the building right next to me is really close. I'm almost right on top of this guy behind me. When I go out on my deck and he is out there on his deck or if there are even people in the pool, I will turn my chair back to them and face my condo. That way everyone knows I'm not interested in trying to see what they are up to and I expect them to do the same and not look at me. I despise people who sit on their decks and stare straight at you. Staring is rude.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

If I run into people anywhere it usually takes me a few minutes to recognize them in another setting and I'm really not in the frame of mind to talk with anyone (like at the grocery store). If we haven't made eye contact- I hightail it outta there! BUT, if eye contact is made then one MUST say something in NT Land lest you'll be the talk of the town and considered rude and unfriendly.

 

[King_Oni]

As others also said; I usually have trouble placing them in another setting if I run into them. But I take that to the extreme, to where I don't even recognize my parents when I happen to run into them... and I actually live in the same house as them. But I in general have a hard time remembering faces, especially when they do not have distinct features. I've managed to recognize people by voicetone a bit more

I don't have as much issues in finding a person in a crowd IF I have a picture though, but just from memory; nope... can't do it. I'm a sketch artists worst nightmare.

But with all that; I don't go out of my way. If someone talks to me it doesn't take me long to remember who they are and it takes me about the same time to tell them "I don't have any time or interest to talk to you" afterall, I'm not out and about to meet up with people, when I'm out of the house, I'm actually running errands, and talking is not part of my errands. If people want to talk, they can phone me and see if they can come over. No wonder some people spend silly amounts at a mall or so while all shopping can be done in 30 minutes.

I've been told I'm rude at times, mostly by people who have no clue I struggle with recognizing them (nor do I have the urge to put a sign on my back saying "sorry, but I have issues recognizing faces") and the moment I leave the house my iPod is on drowning out any and all sound and i"m usually so zoned out I acrobatically find my way through traffic and crowds. Unless someone actually taps me on the shoulder and I'm not actually walking at a proper pace I turn around to see who dares to harass me. Otherwise I'll just keep walking like the unstoppable force. For some reason people never tap me on the shoulder when I'm on the move. The few moments I can be caught less "zoned out" are probably when I'm at the cashiers in stores, since I totally hate it when people having headphones on and then ask "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"... I mean, what did you expect; people to actually jack in to your phone/mp3 player and relay a message through your headphones? But yeah... tangent here, lol.

But running into people when I'm out... nope. They pretty much know I'm not up for a chat.

 

[SonoranPrincess]

I took the "failing to recognize people" thing to the next level a few weeks ago, when I was getting a pedicure. I adressed the lady working on my feet as though I'd never met her before, but she soon said, " Oh, this isn't the first time we've met, I've done your pedicures the past 3 times." Embarrasing. So yes, I do it, and sometimes with people I should know...IN CONTEXT.

 

[Spiller]

When I was married there were several occasions when I didn't recognise my wife when she'd been to the hairdressers, or had met a friend while we were out and apart and I didn't expect to see her in company.. never well received!
My current 'interest' changes her hairstyle daily and I struggle greatly to identify her build, walk and body language before I appear uncaring/dismissive.. I really don't know, but I make a huge effort not to repeat the same mistakes..
Oh, the stresses of life

 

[Andrew206]

I ran into a few people I went to high school with while I was doing karaoke two weeks ago. It's always good for me to run into people I haven't seen in a while. I was able to catch up with the people I ran into that day.

 

[Tia Maria]

My current 'interest' changes her hairstyle daily and I struggle greatly to identify her build, walk and body language before I appear uncaring/dismissive.. I really don't know, but I make a huge effort not to repeat the same mistakes..
Oh, the stresses of life

Spiller, You probably have already informed your lady friend of this, but if not ... just make sure she is aware of your difficulty recognizing facial & other features from a distance & so on. That it is a very real physical issue (a vision/brain connection or really misconnection) & NOT your lack of interest or caring, or emotional laziness on your part. In fact quite the opposite as you make concerted efforts to find identifying aspects of her form so that you could more easily recognize her. This way she will understand & know to never take offense over this. Further, if you recognize people easiest by voice - ??? - I would educate all your friends to always approach you without waiting for you to recognize them, & introduce themselves verbally to expedite your recognition. For example, upon seeing you your friends might approach & say, "Hello Spiller. It's me Tia". If that would help. I'd be interested in learning from you & others what would work best. And whatever it is, I think educating your friends, family, neighbors, co-workers etc ... would be beneficial for them & you.

 

[Spiller]

Spiller, You probably have already informed your lady friend of this, but if not ... just make sure she is aware of your difficulty recognizing facial & other features from a distance & so on. That it is a very real physical issue (a vision/brain connection or really misconnection) & NOT your lack of interest or caring, or emotional laziness on your part. In fact quite the opposite as you make concerted efforts to find identifying aspects of her form so that you could more easily recognize her. This way she will understand & know to never take offense over this. Further, if you recognize people easiest by voice - ??? - I would educate all your friends to always approach you without waiting for you to recognize them, & introduce themselves verbally to expedite your recognition. For example, upon seeing you your friends might approach & say, "Hello Spiller. It's me Tia". If that would help. I'd be interested in learning from you & others what would work best. And whatever it is, I think educating your friends, family, neighbors, co-workers etc ... would be beneficial for them & you.

Hey Tia, I certainly take your point, thank you. I don't feel I'm at a stage with my friend yet where I can confess all, maybe because of not wanting to disappoint and not wanting to spent time seeming to offload my problems on her.. she is aware of my self diagnosis of AS and seems accepting, but time will tell. Also, I have no idea if she even wants to be anything more than casual and occasional friends.. all rather confusing.. ah, me.
Something I've found curious about most people - I've mentioned difficulties with crowds, telephones, recognising faces, not understanding subtlety or diplomacy, etc, on a number of occasions, yet I find that they seem to forget quickly and sometimes even act as if I've said nothing at all.. I believe because most people are generally used to dealing with others who behave within similar narrowly defined social parameters and have difficulty dealing with anything outside those limits.. the Aspies lot, I suppose.
I tried to describe a bell curve of behavior to a therapist recently, where the middle 20%, say, is typical social behavior/interaction and the remaining 40% areas to left and right are atypical behavior, as experienced by those with anxiety, depression, we on the Spectrum, etc. Considering that all behavior is the result of thought/emotion, my internal processes must therefore be different to the 'norm', resulting in my self-observed inability to interact successfully with most people - of course, I had to work backwards by observing my behavior over the years and comparing it with that of others to arrive at the conclusion that I think and feel differently and why - a straightforward concept, I thought, but I still found myself trying to explain my differences to someone who I expected to understand..
I'm ultimately left employing coping mechanisms I've developed over the years as the easiest way to circumvent others' perception of rudeness; I deal with recognition delay by recognising height, build, posture, walk, speed of movement, voice (I find I'm actually quite good at recognising a voice from a snippet.. I name that voice in one)

 

[Kit Hunter]

Today I ran into two separate old acquaintances when I was out. I really hate it when that happens! When I go somewhere, I just want to go about my business. Running into old co-workers or other people I know, but don't keep contact with, always feels very awkward to me. It's even worse when I see people somewhere other than the place I associate them with, because I'm terrible at recognizing people out of context.

My first instinct when I do spot somebody is to dodge them completely, but they usually see me first because I'm pretty oblivious to the people around me when I'm heading somewhere or doing something. When someone approaches me, I never know what to say that won't sound cliché or fake, and I never know how or when to end the conversation. They don't seem to, either. I don't know why people bother trying to force a conversation with someone that isn't really important to them when a simple "Hi" would suffice. I'm usually pretty comfortable socializing, but this is one type of interaction that really catches me at a loss.

I've moved around a lot, and one of the biggest benefits to this is that I don't amass a large number of acquaintances for potential surprise encounters. I've been living where I am for several years now, though, so it's become inevitable that I will bump into someone now and then. I swear, it's enough to make me want to do my shopping, etc., on the other side of town!

How do you feel when you run into people when you're out? Do you usually recognize them? Do you try to avoid them? What the heck do you talk about?

I know exactly how you feel, and it is so irritating. Usually, if they haven't noticed me I just run away so I don't have to talk to them. If they have noticed me, sometimes I try to play it off like I didn't see them and then continue about my business. However, if they saw me and are approaching me, well then I can't exactly turn around because that would be "rude." Talking to acquaintances like that is awkward, at least for me. I think that it probably has to do with the fact that I hadn't planned it out ahead of time, so it's something I wasn't expecting or preparing for, and thus is uncomfortable. Generally, I don't like talking to people unless there is absolutely no way out of it.

 

[Tia Maria]

Something I've found curious about most people - I've mentioned difficulties with crowds, telephones, recognising faces, not understanding subtlety or diplomacy, etc, on a number of occasions, yet I find that they seem to forget quickly and sometimes even act as if I've said nothing at all.. I believe because most people are generally used to dealing with others who behave within similar narrowly defined social parameters and have difficulty dealing with anything outside those limits.. the Aspies lot, I suppose.

Regarding your friend, I get it & understand completely.

That is interesting about most people forgetting what you've explained to them! I surmise that because it is so foreign, so different, than what they experience, that unless it is something they can SEE so are constantly reminded of, it's very easy to forget. Of course people who see you often or know you well should be more considerate & not forget, but otherwise most people are so involved & focused on their own lives & their own issues etc ... that they really do not devote too much attention (or memory space) to other people's lives or issues.

For example, if you had one leg & walked with crutches, the fact that you might handle a walk across rugged terrain differently than someone with unimpaired mobility would be apparent & easily visible. No one would forget or not realize your special needs. I am thinking that because the issues you describe are kind of invisible, people who don't have those same difficulties may unfortunately find it easy to forget them. Again, your friends & family should make a concerted effort ... just as you do for them!

I'm ultimately left employing coping mechanisms I've developed over the years as the easiest way to circumvent others' perception of rudeness; I deal with recognition delay by recognising height, build, posture, walk, speed of movement, voice (I find I'm actually quite good at recognising a voice from a snippet.. I name that voice in one)

Spiller, is your hearing especially sensitive to compensate for the lack of visual acuity? Either way your coping methods are the kinds of things that at least help you navigate the world a little better. We all use those kinds of cues to an extent. Last year when I was visiting my Mom & was in a grocery store I ran into one of my old HS classmate's Mom who I have not seen in over 20 years. She was checking out & did not see me, while I did not recognize her at all. When she spoke to the cashier I immediately recognized her voice & we had a wonderful little reunion!

Studies have reported that for the most part, infants & old people have the least distinctive features so are more than less similar looking. As we age we all start to look more & more alike.

Anyway, you make a deliberate effort to recognize people so I hope your friends & acquaintances know to appreciate that.

 

[IrishAspie]

I just avoid them if at all possible and try to keep my head down.

 

[ASD_Geek]

This is so me!!! I try to avoid people and also will duck down the closest aisle or take a different path so I won't have to talk to them.

I also have a hard time recognizing people outside of the context in which I know them. For some reason I can't remember people's names or where I know them from and rely heavily on my wife (who is used to it) to tell me who the person is.

For the longest time I didn't know what it was, but one day I was tired of it happening and researched it and eventually came across this site.

At the time, I thought that I was the only one who had that issue.