Recently diagnosed

[Asenath]

I was just diagnosed last month, at forty three. It's a weird experience, re-evaluating my whole life.

There's anger, because I had no support for the condition. I've been a perpetual disappointment to my mother, and even knowing why now, she's still condescending and abrasive. But there's relief, too, knowing that my inability to understand workplace politics or get along with most people isn't my fault.

I'm still digesting it.

 

[watersprite]

Hi Asenath
Welcome to AC.

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard
I can fully relate to receiving a late diagnosis, and I very much recommend using a site like this and counselor if possible. To help you get through the next few months. I was diagnosed around 33, and it was Many many months before I began to settle down. Kind of like experiencing the stages of grief. I hope you visit this site often, best wishes.

 

[Asenath]

Thank you. I love the colors and textures, Rocco. And the balance. It's entrancing.

 

[wyverary]

Welcome!

There's anger, because I had no support for the condition. I've been a perpetual disappointment to my mother, and even knowing why now, she's still condescending and abrasive. But there's relief, too, knowing that my inability to understand workplace politics or get along with most people isn't my fault.

I've found myself in the exact same situation, only it was my father who was the abrasive and unsupporting one. I think your diagnosis should help you learn how to navigate the "outside world" without having to change who you are.

Best!
wyv

 

[malortie]

Asenath

Welcome to the forums.

Here in this friendly place, most of the people perfectly understand and have experienced this feeling you had throughout your life.

I'm still digesting it.

Recognizing our differences toward others is one step. To try to accept, or at least tolerate those differences is another step harder. Good thing you found this place, as many people here will be glad to help you. I really hope you will find the help and answers you are looking for.

A warm welcome to you.

 

[ancusmitis]

Welcome to the forums! You'll find a lot of friendly and understanding people around here

 

[Sooz68]

I was a constant disappointment to my mother, she died 3 years ago so I will never be able to say 'look I wasn't bad, naughty, evil, I had a condition from birth and your attitude to me just made it worse!' I doubt she'd believe me anyway, to her things like autism were made up illnesses for attention seekers, the irony is now I know more about Asperger's I'm sure she had it. Other family members have been diagnosed and more show traits.

Other than that anger I don't feel angry, I don't feel the grief my MH workers seem to think I should feel, they see someone with a sky high IQ who dropped out of school and hasn't done anything with their life because of Asperger's. Yes that's true, but it's the only life I've ever known and who can say I'd have been happier if I'd been born without an ASD?

I feel relief and I feel vindicated. I wasn't bad, I wasn't weird, I was just different and I couldn't help those differences.

I'm still processing it all, 47 years is a long time to look back over and memories pop up of situations where the ASD was so obvious that I think 'someone should have seen it' but in the 1970s diagnostic tools weren't as good and schools weren't well informed.

Overall though the feeling is one of relief and a slight sadness that all the doctors I've seen throughout my adult life who could have noticed signs didn't. Maybe I'd adapted too well!

 

[tfwo]

Asenath, welcome. I am 43 as well, and currently pursuing my diagnosis. Throughout my life, I've known that I was somehow different. In the past few weeks that I've been on this site, I've come to see that many others here have lived through many of the same challenges that I have. The things that I used to blame on bad luck, chance, or a character flaw on my part, I am now beginning to truly explain it as me being wired differently. Of coarse I've always intuitively known that, but the lifetime of messages that we have received from the NT world, erodes our resolve. At least in my case, I've questioned myself so thoroughly, that I sometimes forget who my authentic self is, and that I've been living a life that is not my own. I hope that you have not strayed too far from your center, as have I. Good luck in your journey through this. We are not in this alone.

 

[Asenath]

I do appreciate all of the kind replies. I have a psychologist who also has a diagnosis of Asperger's herself, so that's a positive. And I have a supportive spouse.

On the negative side, my mother recently found out that she has lung cancer. She's undergoing a relatively new treatment involving gold nanoparticles. When I found out, of course my immediate reaction was to want to go and spend some time with her, but she says she doesn't want me to visit, "You just stress me out too much". So I'm struggling to understand her, with my psychologist.

My life has been a series of train wrecks, but I gather that's "normal" for us? In my case a two business ideas that flopped, about fifteen lost jobs, a very abusive first husband and two stints of homelessness.

The current husband and I have been together nineteen years, and we own a house now, so at least those things are ironed out.

 

[StephF]

Hi Asenath, welcome to the forums