People Who Are Alone Are That Way Because They Brought It On Themselves

[Spinning Compass]

Have you ever heard anyone say that? What do you think of it? I think it is a cop-out.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

I don't think I've ever heard anyone use those exact words, but I've definitely encountered similar attitudes. It's easy to tell people "You need to get out more," but it's not so simple for all of us.

I've gotten some really judgemental reactions from people who ask me about my social life when I tell them that it's fairly limited at the moment (at best, they seemed a little confused about why I would "choose" to live that way), and I've never quite figured out what the deal with that is. Next time I get that reaction from someone, I think I'm going to tell them, "If I happen to prefer the company of my dog or a good book to most people I meet, what's it to you?"

I wish more people were familiar with this article, which I came across about a year ago (Ironically enough, recommended by a self-described extrovert). Maybe it would help at least a few people understand why I find sustained periods of social interaction so tiring that it's almost physically painful.

Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

It's not specifically about people with AS, but I think a lot of it applies to people on the spectrum, and I think it may have even played a role in my seeking out an AS diagnosis.

I think this explains a little bit of the "People who are alone are that way because they have brought it on themselves" mindset (although I can't say that I feel like being male has made it any easier for me to "get away with" being introverted):

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"?narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

 

[142857]

All my life people have assumed that I am the way that I am because I chose to be that way. Being social comes so naturally to a lot of people, so much so that they cannot relate to someone who struggles to be sociable.

 

[juffur]

All my life people have assumed that I am the way that I am because I chose to be that way. Being social comes so naturally to a lot of people, so much so that they cannot relate to someone who struggles to be sociable.

That's exactly how my family treats me. They think I choose to live this way.. I've never found a way to convince them otherwise.

 

[Spinning Compass]

The reason I asked this is that I have often heard others speak about people who are alone in such terms. It's like there is an unwritten contract to shun certain people or at least not include them in their inner circles. But on the other hand, when I have expressed loneliness I am told to go do volunteer work, like visit lonely people in nursing homes. Well, if they are lonely, who am I to interfere with society's verdict? They obviously deserved to be abandoned, right?

I've been brooding a lot lately, I am under a lot of stress, and have no one really to turn to or talk to. Last Sunday I was asked to be a greeter at church, because apparently I am good at walking up to people and saying hi. As a greeter my job is to flit from person to person like a honeybee, spending a few minutes here and there, all very superficial stuff. I'm getting good at the superficial stuff. It's easy to put on a mask for an hour or two. But even so, I have to be the one to initiate conversations. I feel like such a fake, because I am letting these people assume I am something I am not. But that is what makes people happy.

 

[BruceCM]

Certainly come across that attitude enough! Personally, I can't manage a 'mask' even for an hour or two, although I can do the superficial part of socializing well enough, anyway. It's just that level, on it's own, isn't worth it & I can't do any others anymore since nobody will do them with me.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I haven't heard those exact words, but I think I know what you mean.

The assumption is that if you go out in social situations, you'll eventually meet friends. While this is technically (usually) the case, I think the 'NT' world completely misunderstands that it's not so easy or simple for everyone. You have to connect to people, or find people who can understand you in some sense. Otherwise you won't feel comfortable with each other. That works both ways, and unfortunately for those with ASD's, either can work against you.

I'd much rather have a group of friends/relationship that I can feel comfortable with, like anyone else does. But what usually ends up happening is, I'd rather be alone than in situations I'm not comfortable with. But I do think that my lack of finding potential friendships are actually hinged on the effects of my disorder in various ways. Which is just as well, as I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who constantly misinterprets it. But whether or not it's my "choice", unfortunately that's not how it works much of the time.

But, regardless, I really loathe the idea that it's 'easy' if you just put it out there. And I also loathe that being an introvert is assumed to be a bad thing as a result of being an unlikeable person. I think it would be very obvious from forums like these that most of you here are absolutely likeable and can make plenty of friends, even if you have none in real life. I wouldn't be so harsh as to say 'if you're lonely, it's all your fault'. It takes two to make a pair, not one.

 

[Droopy]

Being social comes so naturally to a lot of people, so much so that they cannot relate to someone who struggles to be sociable.

You have hit the nail on the head there, I don't think I could put that any better. It is so easy for most people to be sociable that they really have no idea what it is like for us.

But, regardless, I really loathe the idea that it's 'easy' if you just put it out there.

I have often complained about being lonely and having no friends. My dad, while his intentions are good, would urge me to just go down to the youth club and meet people. If it was that easy then I would have done it years ago - it isn't though. Making friends isn't that simple.

 

[Geordie]

I go to some clubs, but I neither have the money nor the energies to sustain myself.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I have often complained about being lonely and having no friends. My dad, while his intentions are good, would urge me to just go down to the youth club and meet people. If it was that easy then I would have done it years ago - it isn't though. Making friends isn't that simple.

I can talk to people online! Once I meet them in person, it's not so bad afterwards. When I was younger (middle school/younger high school age) it was normal for people to give you their AIM and just chat after school. Now, not so much it seems. Also it was the only way I am ever able to get boyfriends/dates, as well (although I don't always admit this to everyone). Of course, haven't always been able to keep them, since my AS ended up clashing with many... but still, it was much easier when that was the "norm".

I've never quite been sure why that is. But it is what it is, I suppose.

 

[Zecora]

I feel that way. I am not good at talking or being interesting. I am at the age where people have finished their degrees and have jobs and are having kids (eep!). I am extremely unsuccessful, so I feel inferior to them which probably isn't helping.

 

[Geordie]

The only interesting things could be our feelings to our interests

 

[Kollide]

For me, I always had social problems at school and when out and about. I was usually too shy. Then I discovered ecstasy/speed, overdid it, and some other stuff (alcohol due from depression from doing that shizz too often), and so now I'm left hanging onto valium (though I'm on a reduction program at the moment). I'm just hoping that when I'm off the stuff I'll be ok, I need to get work asap to get used to it again. Benzos have helped me crack out of my reclusive shell, but I wonder if I'll stay the same when off them? Most likely not. For me, I am alone because of self-infliction. So it all depends. And I don't know if I have Aspergers or not, but I have massive mood swings due to relationships with people I have a liking for (I should probably just cut them off), but either way I was never very sociable yet now I am much more-so. At one point I couldn't even look at people unless I was drunk out of my brains. So I have improved, I'm just hoping I can get back into working life quickly and keep myself clean mostly off the stuff that does me harm, and keep on this roll...

 

[King_Oni]

I have these people for breakfast... rawr! No seriously... I've had people tell me "you need to get out" (just as well as "don't be that hard on yourself"). Where I usually reply em with a stolen quote (or a paraphrasation thereof) "There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on earth, at all."

That gives people a really odd look on their face. Further down the line it comes down the the fact that I get people somewhat depressed by my rational arguments on "purpose".

I'm not really that shy... I don't have a problem with going out in general, but I don't really care for going out for the sake of just going out. That has nothing to do with my possible ASD, but more so with a thought, a mindset, which I have had as a kid and just "perfected" with arguments over years. That being said, I can sit inside, totally reclusive for months, while I can be all over the place 7 days a week. I also like to chip in, that while I enjoy going to raves, I'm there to dance, not to talk. I rarely have the urge to talk to strangers, just because... well, they're strangers, and it would come across odd to start a convo on something, and hope you have something in common. Social media play a quite important role where I am aware of interests of peers.

Also, and that's something I see quite a lot. And it got me thinking... do I change the way I am, to get social? Or do I stay myself and wait till I get found? I prefer the latter, as changing myself will end up with me being more unhappy with myself, thief of my own time, of my own liberty and totally insincere.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I have these people for breakfast... rawr! No seriously... I've had people tell me "you need to get out" (just as well as "don't be that hard on yourself"). Where I usually reply em with a stolen quote (or a paraphrasation thereof) "There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on earth, at all."

That gives people a really odd look on their face. Further down the line it comes down the the fact that I get people somewhat depressed by my rational arguments on "purpose".

I'm not really that shy... I don't have a problem with going out in general, but I don't really care for going out for the sake of just going out. That has nothing to do with my possible ASD, but more so with a thought, a mindset, which I have had as a kid and just "perfected" with arguments over years. That being said, I can sit inside, totally reclusive for months, while I can be all over the place 7 days a week. I also like to chip in, that while I enjoy going to raves, I'm there to dance, not to talk. I rarely have the urge to talk to strangers, just because... well, they're strangers, and it would come across odd to start a convo on something, and hope you have something in common. Social media play a quite important role where I am aware of interests of peers.

Also, and that's something I see quite a lot. And it got me thinking... do I change the way I am, to get social? Or do I stay myself and wait till I get found? I prefer the latter, as changing myself will end up with me being more unhappy with myself, thief of my own time, of my own liberty and totally insincere.

It's funny, because this reminded me of comments I get all the time...

"What's your problem? Are you bitter/in a bad mood" when really I consider myself to be one of the happiest and unbitter people I know. I get "misanthropic" labels because of things I said that I consider just to be realistic, or honest things like I don't care to be around most people. It doesn't mean that I want all of them to die or suffer or anything, it just means I'd be happier being around them as little as possible.

The exceptions of course are the people who have a very special way of grating my nerves, or those who went out of their way to make me uncomfortable.

 

[Kollide]

To be honest, if I had the option, I'd be quite happy living most of my life staying at home making money by making music every day and taking certain drugs. Sadly, I have that other part of me that wants to go out and get some proper life experience by working, travelling, meeting people, having a close relationship or 5, and generally not being a recluse. Being reclusive is hard if you can't work from home, or if you can't be on benefits and not feel guilty about it. There's just that part of me that wants to go out and experience a life further around the globe, rather than staying in this little rut I dug myself into.

 

[King_Oni]

Sometimes I feel, that over time, society, and society's standards are not "made" for people that have a social issue. I can do quite lot of stuff on my own, but society wants everyone to work by "their" rules instead of just getting the job done. And with job, I don't mean only having a job, but just stuff in general.

It makes me think, that some people, without saying someone is lazy, some people are just not made for the same stuff, that's casual and quite normal for everyone else. I've had jobs, where it wasn't that I was against "being active", but more so the means for which I was supposed to work. An ideal, an opinion... and some people hold them more dear than any amount of money. If the societal standard is to put aside your ideals, I don't know why we should learn understanding in something, we might just as well put up mandatory rules which cannot be questioned. And with so-called "liberty" where one has the time to explore ideals... no wonder people get isolated.