theminx
Your Friendly Neighborhood Minx. Grr! Meow.
Do you think in patterns? Map systems? Use systematization to think and remember? Recognize patterns? Sometimes fear patterns?
It was my sophomore year in college. I was having an existential crisis - which isn't all that unique of a thing...
...I do get that.
I'm visiting with some of his friends. I don't remember specifically what we were discussing, but all of the sudden...everything seemed to click into place...
...but not in a good way.
My mind began forming patterns: variables in a fluctuating equation, the component parts of a mobile, yet global sized puzzle. I saw everything - all tangled up in society, its systems, the world and its environs, and denizens of people - as this complicated, interwoven pattern. I could see how everything was intertwined and overlapping. And ultimately...trapped.
I ran into the bathroom...
...as wave after wave of anxiety hit me.
I started mumbling to myself:
You're born...
...you grow...
....go to school...
...get a job...
...then a career...
...get married...
...have kids...
....get old
...and then you die...
There's nothing else.
There's only The Pattern. The overarching, overriding Pattern no one can escape!
That's all there is.
Everyone is trapped within the pattern...!
There's no escape.
Nothing else.
No hope...
No!
I have to escape the pattern. I have to...untangle myself. I can't be trapped. I won't be trapped. There has to be...
...another way, something more...but only if I'm able to extract myself...
So...
Yeah, it was like that.
Like I was waking up from the Matrix, but not quite so dramatic.
It isnt always like that. But I've always thought like this. I've always mapped things out to learn things...
....which sometimes means I learn things more slowly...if it's my first introduction.
Sometimes much more quickly, if I'm able to overlay a similar pattern and make associations.
Sometimes what I see though...freaks me out.
Sometimes it makes me obsessed, and I need to follow the path...no matter where it might lead me, which is often circuitous and seemingly random. But it never really is random. There's always a purpose, which isnt always immediately clear to me.
Is it like this for anyone else?
It was my sophomore year in college. I was having an existential crisis - which isn't all that unique of a thing...
...I do get that.
I'm visiting with some of his friends. I don't remember specifically what we were discussing, but all of the sudden...everything seemed to click into place...
...but not in a good way.
My mind began forming patterns: variables in a fluctuating equation, the component parts of a mobile, yet global sized puzzle. I saw everything - all tangled up in society, its systems, the world and its environs, and denizens of people - as this complicated, interwoven pattern. I could see how everything was intertwined and overlapping. And ultimately...trapped.
I ran into the bathroom...
...as wave after wave of anxiety hit me.
I started mumbling to myself:
You're born...
...you grow...
....go to school...
...get a job...
...then a career...
...get married...
...have kids...
....get old
...and then you die...
There's nothing else.
There's only The Pattern. The overarching, overriding Pattern no one can escape!
That's all there is.
Everyone is trapped within the pattern...!
There's no escape.
Nothing else.
No hope...
No!
I have to escape the pattern. I have to...untangle myself. I can't be trapped. I won't be trapped. There has to be...
...another way, something more...but only if I'm able to extract myself...
So...
Yeah, it was like that.
Like I was waking up from the Matrix, but not quite so dramatic.
It isnt always like that. But I've always thought like this. I've always mapped things out to learn things...
....which sometimes means I learn things more slowly...if it's my first introduction.
Sometimes much more quickly, if I'm able to overlay a similar pattern and make associations.
Sometimes what I see though...freaks me out.
Sometimes it makes me obsessed, and I need to follow the path...no matter where it might lead me, which is often circuitous and seemingly random. But it never really is random. There's always a purpose, which isnt always immediately clear to me.
Is it like this for anyone else?
