NT seeking advice part 2

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

After my last post, my Aspie and I made a bit of progress. He ended up blogging about his depression and delved a bit into how it effects him. I responded with an email letting him know that I'm there for him and explaining that his depression doesn't make me care any less about him. I also explained that his distancing me triggered some insecurities about whether he was planning to break up with me.

He didn't respond directly to the email but followed up on something I asked him (a rare occurrence). The next night I stayed over he was back to being very affections and cuddly.

Last night he mentioned he's just trying to get through this weekend. I asked him to tell me more about what that means and he was slightly confused but ended up saying getting through the holidays with his family. He didn't elaborate more when I asked.

My question is: how likely is it for him to have a meltdown vs being appreciative if I get him a gift for Christmas that I know he wants, knowing he likely isn't getting anything for me and probably wouldn't know what to get or afford it anyway?

Edit to add: I know my mileage with him will vary from anyone else's experiences, I'm just looking for your own stories and ideas as folks on the spectrum to add to my own experience and knowledge of my guy. My less neuro-knowledgeable NT friends are unsympathetic/unhelpful as they have no idea how to apply his diagnosis to his behavior. More often than not, I hear varying degrees of "you need a new man, I can't believe he did/didn't do x,y,z, etc, you deserve someone who treats you better". I totally understand their concern And inability to relate, it just makes it that much harder to have conversations with them for support when all I get is negativity.

So thank you to everyone who responds with their stories and ideas. It helps a lot.

 

[Judge]

My question is: how likely is it for him to have a meltdown vs being appreciative if I get him a gift for Christmas that I know he wants, knowing he likely isn't getting anything for me and probably wouldn't know what to get or afford it anyway?

You might peruse this thread on Aspie gift-giving and perhaps search for other such discussions here.

I can only speculate in a very general way on such a question. That under such circumstances it would probably be more likely to be stressful to him in the instance that he has no gift for you. Just the concept of social gift-giving can be stressful for some of us. It always has been for me as a social ritual of sorts.

As to how he might actually react...is anyone's guess. We're really a varied lot here. Difficult to definitively answer such a thing.


Asperger's or Not--On Gift-Giving Skills...

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

You might peruse this thread on Aspie gift-giving and perhaps search for other such discussions here.

I can only speculate in a very general way on such a question. That under such circumstances it would probably be more likely to be stressful to him in the instance that he has no gift for you. Just the concept of social gift-giving can be stressful for some of us. It always has been for me as a social ritual of sorts.

As to how he might actually react...is anyone's guess. We're really a varied lot here. Difficult to definitively answer such a thing.


Asperger's or Not--On Gift-Giving Skills...

I'm really only looking for generalities. I fully understand that aspergers isn't a one size fits all syndrome, I'm mostly reaching out here to get a better understanding of the intricacies and ranges. I'm fairly intelligent and can apply logic to any situation, I'm just not as adept in crossing this over from friends and acquaintances to dating.

 

[Rayner]

I doubt he would have a meltdown if you gave a gift for Christmas. Although he may feel bad for not getting you a gift,( I know I would if I were him).

My girlfriend Kelly knows that giving and recieving gifts can uncomfortable for me, so when either of us give each other present we always tell each other beforehand. Does that make sense?

 

[Adder1234]

I doubt he would have a meltdown if you gave a gift for Christmas. Although he may feel bad for not getting you a gift,( I know I would if I were him).

My girlfriend Kelly knows that giving and recieving gifts can uncomfortable for me, so when either of us give each other present we always tell each other beforehand. Does that make sense?

As an aspie, this is definitely a good course of action. I love getting gifts because it shows that someone cares enough about me to get me something that I like. But yes, I do feel a little bad about no being able to get something in return.

 

[Rayner]

It works for Kelly and I. I'm should mention that I'm autistic, my girlfriend Kelly does struggle with anxiety and could possibly be on the spectrum.

As an aspie, this is definitely a good course of action. I love getting gifts because it shows that someone cares enough about me to get me something that I like. But yes, I do feel a little bad about no being able to get something in return.

 

[Streetwise]

After my last post, my Aspie and I made a bit of progress. He ended up blogging about his depression and delved a bit into how it effects him. I responded with an email letting him know that I'm there for him and explaining that his depression doesn't make me care any less about him. I also explained that his distancing me triggered some insecurities about whether he was planning to break up with me.

He didn't respond directly to the email but followed up on something I asked him (a rare occurrence). The next night I stayed over he was back to being very affections and cuddly.

Last night he mentioned he's just trying to get through this weekend. I asked him to tell me more about what that means and he was slightly confused but ended up saying getting through the holidays with his family. He didn't elaborate more when I asked.

My question is: how likely is it for him to have a meltdown vs being appreciative if I get him a gift for Christmas that I know he wants, knowing he likely isn't getting anything for me and probably wouldn't know what to get or afford it anyway?

Edit to add: I know my mileage with him will vary from anyone else's experiences, I'm just looking for your own stories and ideas as folks on the spectrum to add to my own experience and knowledge of my guy. My less neuro-knowledgeable NT friends are unsympathetic/unhelpful as they have no idea how to apply his diagnosis to his behavior. More often than not, I hear varying degrees of "you need a new man, I can't believe he did/didn't do x,y,z, etc, you deserve someone who treats you better". I totally understand their concern And inability to relate, it just makes it that much harder to have conversations with them for support when all I get is negativity.

So thank you to everyone who responds with their stories and ideas. It helps a lot.

Hello rh girl I'm streetwise this is complex: are you a natural material gift giver to show love?
Also he could be traumatised by be bullied by strangers so revealing info about anything is painful also men in general probably autistic men more are not verbose
I suffer from panic disorder and communicating is shattering .
How has he reacted to gifts before
I think autism in general is an attitude all or nothing at all so he may be very grateful but you wouldn't perceive
It
Stopping

 

[ksheehan88]

Let him know you have a gift for him, and be sure to tell him it doesn't matter if you don't have a gift back, your happiness will be to see him with his new thing.

I give gifts because it pleases me to see them happy with their new thing, I don't ever expect back...

... But on the other hand, if someone gave me a gift, I would have to give one back or I would feel like a bad person.

 

[artfull dodger]

I find it stressfull to try and find gifts for certain people. If thier interests are not the same as mine, its very hard and stressfull. The advant of online shopping helps tremendously for an Aspie, no crowded stores and loud people deal with. Just point, click and its delivered to my home. Mike

 

[Liam Sifr]

I responded with an email letting him know that I'm there for him and explaining that his depression doesn't make me care any less .

I'm glad my advice helped. A gift is great. Just like neurotypes we love gifts but some of us are at loss when it comes to returning the favour, for a few, it becomes an obsession.

Write a card with the gift and let him know that you don't expect him to get you a gift. Let him know a hug perhaps in return so that you know he loves you?

I'm happy to learn that he is coming out of his shell. If the channel of communication (email) works, use it well.

Happy holidays.

 

[Rich Gray]

A coupon book good for romantic inexpensive activities would work well. This is something that he could reciprocate with little to no cost. I would be thrilled to have such a gift.