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Non-AS partner looking for insights

AdamR

NT partner, often in awe and rarely disappointed
Hello, Everyone.

My name is Adam, and I live in the UK. A few months ago I became romantically involved with a wonderful Aspie man (so yes, I am/we are gay). John, my partner, has never been officially diagnosed as he is aversive to doctors in general, but his sister-in-law has spent her career as a nurse working with persons on the Autism Spectrum and is absolutely certain he has AS. John agrees with her assessment. He was diagnosed with a panic disorder, OCD and Tourette's in adolescence. Based on his symptoms, he still believes these conditions exist in him separately from his Asperger's.

We have great family support, including his brother and sister-in-law who have been enormously helpful to me in my understanding of my Aspie mate. I'll admit, though, at times he is a puzzle and there are significant problems we will have to work through. I have read that many "mixed" relationships between AS and NT partners don't fare well for the long haul, but we are both determined that we be successful together. As such, here I am--looking to learn more about AS from the true experts on the subject. It just makes sense to me that some of my learning should be coming from other AS people. I hope you are open to sharing with me.

I beg your forgiveness in advance if I ever say anything that's considered politically incorrect in the Autism Spectrum community. Part of my learning will surely be adaptation to proper terminology and ways of reference, and I'm very open to your corrections. I am also open to your own questions, of course. Consider me an open book.

I'm very glad to have found you all. :)

EDIT: I called myself an open book. I should say, however, that because my partner is a public figure, I may be shy about some of his personal details, even some things that might seem rather general to you. This is for his protection only.
 
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Hi Adam, welcome to AC. As someone who has had both NT and AS relationships, they are equally difficult but in differing ways.
There's a lot of great information on the site and I'm sure Vanilla will be along in a moment with the links
 
Welcome aboard! Glad to see supportive partners around these...parts. That's my word for the day now, in part, partner, party, partake, partly, parlance. I need a thesaurus. Sorry for the partial rambling.
 
Hi, Adam! Welcome to AspiesCentral!

Don't worry---you'll adjust to the terms we use soon enough. We're not all that complex, really.

I'm in what you called a "mixed" relationship too, but so far it seems to be working out just fine. I think you and your partner will be fine, too.
 
Hi Adam, welcome to AC. As someone who has had both NT and AS relationships, they are equally difficult but in differing ways.
There's a lot of great information on the site and I'm sure Vanilla will be along in a moment with the links

Harrison--Thanks for the welcome. It's true that there are difficulties in any relationship. So far this one has been the most satisfying in more respects than I might have once feared, thus the effort I'm putting in. Now that I'm dating an Aspie, I've done some serious reflection on how I might have used this same sort of almost academic investigation into the way my partner thinks for my previous relationships with others NTs. When one dates one of their own, in any group, I guess one takes too much for granted. And yes, I'm already finding enough here to last me weeks!
 
Welcome aboard! Glad to see supportive partners around these...parts. That's my word for the day now, in part, partner, party, partake, partly, parlance. I need a thesaurus. Sorry for the partial rambling.

Rocco--You have my pardon for your partial rambling. I'm particularly paranoid about my intentions being parsed as I participate in the parleys here. Your humourous parlance is at least partly reassuring as I attempt to lower the partition between my partner and me!
 
Hi, Adam! Welcome to AspiesCentral!

Don't worry---you'll adjust to the terms we use soon enough. We're not all that complex, really.

I'm in what you called a "mixed" relationship too, but so far it seems to be working out just fine. I think you and your partner will be fine, too.


Ereth--Thanks for the welcome and the vote of confidence. It will be good to have your insights!
 
Welcome Adam :)

What a lovely, and polite introduction. Of course we are happy to help as much as we can. You'll notice by now that our members are quite friendly, so feel free to join in on discussions (we have a relationships thread). I've also provided a few links, which may prove useful to you.

Resources (books on AS):
Resources | AspiesCentral.com

World reknown expert on AS:
Home

Website for couples, with at least one member on the spectrum:
Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

Although you are both men, I have spoken to other men here, and those who portray a more feminine gender feel that they were able to relate well with this book. You'll find that different mental genders can present different behavioural traits, so this may, or may not, be helpful. Whether or not you feel this sits well with your partner, is up to you: Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

Being a public figure, this may also be of interest:
Autistic introversion vs autistic extroversion
 
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Hi Adam :)

I'm one of the many on this site who is autistic with an NT partner. It's lovely to see you reaching out for information in such a proactive way, I wish my man would do the same instead of getting grumpy and putting everything down to 'woman stuff' :p Ok that's not strictly true, but there are ups and downs, and I've learnt just as much from NT posters on here as I have my fellow aspies.

Welcome :)
 
Welcome Adam :)

What a lovely, and polite introduction. Of course we are happy to help as much as we can. You'll notice by now that our members are quite friendly, so feel free to join in on discussions (we have a relationships thread). I've also provided a few links, which may prove useful to you.

Brilliant! Thank you for the resources, and for your kind welcome and comments as well. I immediately went to the last link, about autistic intro-and extroversion. Worth paying to join to read the whole thing.

When I first met John, at a public event, I never would have guessed from his apparent social confidence or anything I knew about him previously that he could be an Aspie. I was under the impression that all AS people were introverts, and he is definitely not. He just needs a lot of quiet time for journaling, processing, and to balance himself out. Upon closer acquaintance, I find it's usually his Tourette's that clues me in when he's reaching his limit for social exposure. I see him start to struggle suppressing his tics, especially his palilalia (repeating himself). Then it's time to make for home.

His embrace of all of who he is made him very appealing to me. I really feel like I've met my life partner and want to be as educated about AS as I can. Your links and the (clearly) friendly members here at AC will be a great help!

P.S.: I will definitely read the bit about "Aspergirls". John is equally open to both the masculine and feminine sides of himself, so I'm sure there will be something that applies. Very thoughtful of you not to assume I wouldn't be interested.
 
Brilliant! Thank you for the resources, and for your kind welcome and comments as well. I immediately went to the last link, about autistic intro-and extroversion. Worth paying to join to read the whole thing.

When I first met John, at a public event, I never would have guessed from his apparent social confidence or anything I knew about him previously that he could be an Aspie. I was under the impression that all AS people were introverts, and he is definitely not. He just needs a lot of quiet time for journaling, processing, and to balance himself out. Upon closer acquaintance, I find it's usually his Tourette's that clues me in when he's reaching his limit for social exposure. I see him start to struggle suppressing his tics, especially his palilalia (repeating himself). Then it's time to make for home.

His embrace of all of who he is made him very appealing to me. I really feel like I've met my life partner and want to be as educated about AS as I can. Your links and the (clearly) friendly members here at AC will be a great help!

P.S.: I will definitely read the bit about "Aspergirls". John is equally open to both the masculine and feminine sides of himself, so I'm sure there will be something that applies. Very thoughtful of you not to assume I wouldn't be interested.

This post may interest you too, regarding 'extroverted aspies'. There's a section where we discuss the 'ambivert', which seems to sit better with some here I think: The Extrovert Aspie | AspiesCentral.com
 
Hi Adam :)

I'm one of the many on this site who is autistic with an NT partner. It's lovely to see you reaching out for information in such a proactive way, I wish my man would do the same instead of getting grumpy and putting everything down to 'woman stuff' :p Ok that's not strictly true, but there are ups and downs, and I've learnt just as much from NT posters on here as I have my fellow aspies.

Welcome :)


Thanks, Sass! As I said to Vanilla, I really think I've found my life partner so I want to be well-informed. I wish I'd been this curious in my previous relationships with other NTs. I said in a post earlier today that when one is with someone from their own identity groups, one tends to take too much for granted.

I look forward to learning from people here on both sides of NT/AS pairings. My only fear is that I'll post too often--right now I feel like a kid in a candy store for all of my questions and the insights I'm finding. What an open, intelligent, articulate group this is!
 
Thanks, Sass! As I said to Vanilla, I really think I've found my life partner so I want to be well-informed. I wish I'd been this curious in my previous relationships with other NTs. I said in a post earlier today that when one is with someone from their own identity groups, one tends to take too much for granted.

I look forward to learning from people here on both sides of NT/AS pairings. My only fear is that I'll post too often--right now I feel like a kid in a candy store for all of my questions and the insights I'm finding. What an open, intelligent, articulate group this is!
Hi Adam.
It's good to see that you really want this new relationship to work. So many just give up when the problems start up.
I am in a long term relationship with a NT guy, so I might be able to guide you through some of the rough areas if they ever come up. So just ask away.
Paul.
 
Hi Adam.
It's good to see that you really want this new relationship to work. So many just give up when the problems start up.
I am in a long term relationship with a NT guy, so I might be able to guide you through some of the rough areas if they ever come up. So just ask away.
Paul.

Hello and thanks, Paulb. I may well take you up on that....

If you don't mind saying--how long is "long term"? It's encouraging to hear about successes!
 
Hello and thanks, Paulb. I may well take you up on that....

If you don't mind saying--how long is "long term"? It's encouraging to hear about successes!
Hello and thanks, Paulb. I may well take you up on that....

If you don't mind saying--how long is "long term"? It's encouraging to hear about successes!
Let's say.... way long. And married recently because of court rulings. Also, Joint accounts from day one on initial meeting and move in. Not your usual gay relationship I'm told.
 
Let's say.... way long. And married recently because of court rulings. Also, Joint accounts from day one on initial meeting and move in. Not your usual gay relationship I'm told.

Congratulations! It's so good to hear such a success story. It does sound like things between you clicked into place rather quickly! I feel almost silly for saying "I think I've found my life partner" after only three months with John, but at my age I feel I have enough experience to see the likelihood clearly enough. Sometimes you just know, I reckon.
 
Congratulations! It's so good to hear such a success story. It does sound like things between you clicked into place rather quickly! I feel almost silly for saying "I think I've found my life partner" after only three months with John, but at my age I feel I have enough experience to see the likelihood clearly enough. Sometimes you just know, I reckon.
Your are exactly right about just knowing that 'things clicked'.
There will is always differences. Who spends more and on what. Socializing could be a big issue, but it is all about the give and take.
Now the intimacy issues do need a good deal of attention from both of you. Hopefully you are both open about each of your 'needs'. And hopefully you are aware that John is not going to adjust as much as you can.
Cheers, Paul
 
Congratulations! It's so good to hear such a success story. It does sound like things between you clicked into place rather quickly! I feel almost silly for saying "I think I've found my life partner" after only three months with John, but at my age I feel I have enough experience to see the likelihood clearly enough. Sometimes you just know, I reckon.
It's been a year since last conversation. If you are still out there would love a chat.
 

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