No Words

[Bolletje]

I'm not an Aspie man but a woman, but I hope my insights are still of some use to you.

I think an important part when it comes to expressing feelings is the balance between you and your partner when it comes to emotional needs and expectations. In my previous relationship I was with an NT man who was very open and vocal about his emotions, but to me felt quite needy. He told me he loved me almost daily, and I wouldn't reply with the same unless I actually felt overwhelmed with love at that exact moment. This would make him insecure, prompting him to actively ask for ressurance, which I often wouldn't give him because at that moment his insecurity was bothering me.

Looking back at that time I feel like I was incredibly cruel to him, but at that time it made sense to me. I won't lie about my feelings, and while I loved him in general it didn't occur to me to just randomly blurt that out over breakfast as my feelings weren't really on my mind at that time. I was making a shopping list in my head, or planning the day at work, or wondering whether I wanted another piece of toast, and to suddenly be asked to express my feelings upset my plans and threw me off balance. It made me feel ambushed and like I wasn't trying hard enough. My actions usually show my love a lot more than my words.

In the end that relationship didn't work out, and a huge reason was that he needed a type of love I couldn't give. I wanted my expressions of affection (cooking his favorite meal, buying him a new computer game, supporting him financially) to be seen for what they were. I didn't want to be badgered into expressing myself in a way I didn't feel comfortable with.

I'm in a great relationship now, in which we tell eachother how we feel about each other whenever we feel like it. This person understands how I express my love with my actions more than with my words and works the same way. No candle-lit dinners and roses, but a gift on Steam and a cozy night in with a few beers.
And that works, because we're both getting the reassurance we need while neither feels the need for more (at least I hope so )

 

[Full Steam]

I'm not an Aspie man but a woman, but I hope my insights are still of some use to you.

I think an important part when it comes to expressing feelings is the balance between you and your partner when it comes to emotional needs and expectations. In my previous relationship I was with an NT man who was very open and vocal about his emotions, but to me felt quite needy. He told me he loved me almost daily, and I wouldn't reply with the same unless I actually felt overwhelmed with love at that exact moment. This would make him insecure, prompting him to actively ask for ressurance, which I often wouldn't give him because at that moment his insecurity was bothering me.

Looking back at that time I feel like I was incredibly cruel to him, but at that time it made sense to me. I won't lie about my feelings, and while I loved him in general it didn't occur to me to just randomly blurt that out over breakfast as my feelings weren't really on my mind at that time. I was making a shopping list in my head, or planning the day at work, or wondering whether I wanted another piece of toast, and to suddenly be asked to express my feelings upset my plans and threw me off balance. It made me feel ambushed and like I wasn't trying hard enough. My actions usually show my love a lot more than my words.

In the end that relationship didn't work out, and a huge reason was that he needed a type of love I couldn't give. I wanted my expressions of affection (cooking his favorite meal, buying him a new computer game, supporting him financially) to be seen for what they were. I didn't want to be badgered into expressing myself in a way I didn't feel comfortable with.

I'm in a great relationship now, in which we tell eachother how we feel about each other whenever we feel like it. This person understands how I express my love with my actions more than with my words and works the same way. No candle-lit dinners and roses, but a gift on Steam and a cozy night in with a few beers.
And that works, because we're both getting the reassurance we need while neither feels the need for more (at least I hope so )

I very much relate to everything you said here.

Very nicely explained.

Hope that compliment didn't ruin your toast

 

[Bolletje]

I don't mean to be graphic, but I also asked if he felt a lot of feelings and/or love when we have sex and his answer....I'm mostly just thinking of making sure you're satisfied. I felt sort of numb after he told me his experience was so different than mine because this whole time I thought that regardless of him not being able to voice his feelings well, he still felt the deep feelings of love the way I did. So, now wondering if this is typical of men with Aspergers? Or does he just not love me?.

I was just thinking about your post and about this piece of information you gave out. I'm not sure whether it's an Aspie thing, but I think that the fact that during sex he's mostly thinking about wanting to show you a good time is a positive thing. At worst, he's a considerate lover that wants to make sure your needs are met. It's hard to deduce just from this whether he loves you as much as you love him, but he cares. Heck, I have to love someone a whole lot before I care about their sexual needs before mine

 

[On the Inside]

I was just thinking about your post and about this piece of information you gave out. I'm not sure whether it's an Aspie thing, but I think that the fact that during sex he's mostly thinking about wanting to show you a good time is a positive thing. At worst, he's a considerate lover that wants to make sure your needs are met. It's hard to deduce just from this whether he loves you as much as you love him, but he cares. Heck, I have to love someone a whole lot before I care about their sexual needs before mine

I tried to think of a way to reply to this issue, as an Aspie male, but I am glad you gave a female perspective, because I doubted that I would be very convincing.

Number one, I'm not going to be getting intimate with someone unless I feel quite strongly for them. And I will also be very concerned about how well I perform.( I am confident in my abilities in this area, the two partners I've had have been very satisfied, even though they had widely differing preferences.) Knowing that I am a good lover, I feel doing my best in that area is a strong expression of my feelings.

I guess this is another one of the "love language" issues. I show my feelings with actions and giving, and being Aspie, uncomfortable with talking about it. I will, but it will be stilted, incomplete, and general. And not often enough.

 

[twilightzone76]

I was just thinking about your post and about this piece of information you gave out. I'm not sure whether it's an Aspie thing, but I think that the fact that during sex he's mostly thinking about wanting to show you a good time is a positive thing. At worst, he's a considerate lover that wants to make sure your needs are met. It's hard to deduce just from this whether he loves you as much as you love him, but he cares. Heck, I have to love someone a whole lot before I care about their sexual needs before mine

He has told me that he used to be very selfish with previous lovers, only concerned with his own pleasure. I guess it's all fine and dandy that he thought more about my needs but I just can't get over the fact that he wasn't experiencing any emotions during it. I had always wondered why it felt like we were just going through the motions when in other relationships I felt a connection and like we weren't just enjoying each other physically but in an emotional sense as well.

I kept trying to "create" that feeling throughout other aspects of our relationship too, like I could somehow pull it out of him...cause it had to be just hiding in him somewhere....smh.

To me, a relationship without the expression of tenderness and passion towards each other is like.....a pot roast without the potatoes, cake with no icing, a candle with no lighter.

I'm already at a point of looking back and feeling like a fool for trying to make it into something it wasn't. Yet, I miss him. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment.

 

[twilightzone76]

I'm not an Aspie man but a woman, but I hope my insights are still of some use to you.

I think an important part when it comes to expressing feelings is the balance between you and your partner when it comes to emotional needs and expectations. In my previous relationship I was with an NT man who was very open and vocal about his emotions, but to me felt quite needy. He told me he loved me almost daily, and I wouldn't reply with the same unless I actually felt overwhelmed with love at that exact moment. This would make him insecure, prompting him to actively ask for ressurance, which I often wouldn't give him because at that moment his insecurity was bothering me.

Looking back at that time I feel like I was incredibly cruel to him, but at that time it made sense to me. I won't lie about my feelings, and while I loved him in general it didn't occur to me to just randomly blurt that out over breakfast as my feelings weren't really on my mind at that time. I was making a shopping list in my head, or planning the day at work, or wondering whether I wanted another piece of toast, and to suddenly be asked to express my feelings upset my plans and threw me off balance. It made me feel ambushed and like I wasn't trying hard enough. My actions usually show my love a lot more than my words.

In the end that relationship didn't work out, and a huge reason was that he needed a type of love I couldn't give. I wanted my expressions of affection (cooking his favorite meal, buying him a new computer game, supporting him financially) to be seen for what they were. I didn't want to be badgered into expressing myself in a way I didn't feel comfortable with.

I'm in a great relationship now, in which we tell eachother how we feel about each other whenever we feel like it. This person understands how I express my love with my actions more than with my words and works the same way. No candle-lit dinners and roses, but a gift on Steam and a cozy night in with a few beers.
And that works, because we're both getting the reassurance we need while neither feels the need for more (at least I hope so )

And that's all I wanted, was balance. But never hearing anything nice is not balance to me.

I'm still trying to figure out how my 6 year relationship before him has affected me, whether good or bad. He was very emotionally and physically affectionate and was always saying something sweet and making sure I felt loved.
Like you, I almost felt a little smothered at times and sometimes wouldn't say anything back. I know this hurt him and now I'm wondering if it was meant for me to go through this relationship as a lesson and to "get a taste of my own medicine".

It's hard to go from one extreme to another though....maybe now I realize I need something in between.

 

[On the Inside]

And that's all I wanted, was balance. But never hearing anything nice is not balance to me.

I'm still trying to figure out how my 6 year relationship before him has affected me, whether good or bad. He was very emotionally and physically affectionate and was always saying something sweet and making sure I felt loved.
Like you, I almost felt a little smothered at times and sometimes wouldn't say anything back. I know this hurt him and now I'm wondering if it was meant for me to go through this relationship as a lesson and to "get a taste of my own medicine".

It's hard to go from one extreme to another though....maybe now I realize I need something in between.

Well, there you go. Sounds like you have gained knowledge about yourself, others, and what you want/need/expect out of a relationship. Extremely valuable.

Having such limited experience with relationships, or even just interaction with women really stunts the ability to learn those things, and I have paid a hefty cost due to that.

I realize how little growth and understanding I've gained even within the two relationships I've had, and they were 8 and 14 years a piece. Seems all I have learned is what I don't want, and absence of something leaves you with nothing, really.