New to all of this...

[sja710]

My 16 yr old daughter was just diagnosed with Asperger's a few months ago. She also has ADHD and Anxiety disorder. She is no longer in school - it just became too much for her to handle and every day was a meltdown in the nurses office. We are on 5 waiting lists for an ABA therapist. She starts counseling this week. She is on Zoloft for her anxiety and has been since last fall. Haven't seen any huge improvements in that yet - doctor is continuing to adjust the dose.

She mostly spends her days sleeping and her nights playing video games and watching anime / youtube. She doesn't spend much time outside of her room and getting her to leave the house is like pulling teeth. She has horrible eating habits - she prefers junk food over anything I cook.

She doesn't like people coming over and will hide out in her room until they leave. She has one friend that will occasionally come over. All of her other friends are "online" buddies that like the same video games that she does. She had a boyfriend for about a year and that ended badly. She was very possessive of him and constantly wanted to be at his house. I think he finally got overwhelmed by her clinging and neediness and that's why he ended it.

I can get her to do some chores if I leave her a written list. She's pretty good about her personal hygiene except when it comes to her teeth. She refuses to brush them. I totally don't understand this at all.

She tends to talk very negatively about herself and often says that she is depressed. It's like she has just given up. It's so difficult to see her like this. I want her to sign up for GED classes and she refuses. She wants nothing to do with school in any form. She was bullied a lot in high school and I think it really traumatized her.

Please tell me it gets better. I don't know how she is going to get through life like this. I really can't envision her holding down a job. I don't think she could make it through the first day.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Guppyfry]

Hi, sorry about the difficulties she is facing. Sounds about right for 16 year old. I don't think I would have ever done anything except that my home life was so horrible, I couldn't wait until I could leave and get away!

As a young person, I was constantly bullied, I'm sure I suffered from depression. There should be something out there that will catch her attention and make her want to participate in some activity. I'm in Canada, I always wanted to go camping and have adventures, so as a teen I joined the Army Cadets, and it was probably the one single thing that allowed me to gain enough self-confidence to be a functional adult, and kept me out of the crazy house.

I had a mental breakdown as an adult, spent years unemployed, but not having support, I had no choice but to get back into the workforce. It has been hard, but I've told myself that failure is not an option.

But for your daughter, my advice (it may NOT be what your daughter needs, but I'm thinking of what would have helped ME, has helped me as I pulled myself out of the black pit of depression and anxiety to be somewhat functional again).

Time to de-stress - lots of time! Lots and lots and lots of quiet, in the house, no expectations, no surprises. Like weeks and months! When I was unemployed, I spent all my time reading, doing needlework, driving out to remote parks and hike with my dog. I'd spend WEEKS without even talking to anyone. I MISS this! I miss not seeing anyone, not talking to anyone for weeks. I know it would take me weeks/months of alone time/nothing to do to start feeling bored and looking at widening my interests and activities. (Not what you want to hear I'm sure - but I'm 53, living on my own, have gone through enough to know what I need to function).

- the not eating well is a problem. After trying a lot of different diets to try and feel better, I have found that low carb - high protein helps me a lot. Atkins style and Paleo style diets. I have cut out pasta from my diet, only have bread occasionally, hugely cut down on sweets and sugar. At one point I was addicted to artificial sweetners, but trained myself to take my coffee without sugar, and only have natural sweetners at home that I use sparingly (honey, coconut sugar, etc), and that made a huge difference also.

- Work with your daughter to set goals and work towards them. For me, what keeps me going, is the goal of being independent (so no one is telling me what to do), own property (I now own five acres in a rural area), and have the luxury of owning and driving a car. Of course a job is required to achieve all this, but I got a pretty cushy desk job where I work pretty independently.

- About one activity a week works for me, (I usually go to my dog-training club on the weekend), more than that is too much. I hate going shopping, etc - anywhere that there is noise and people is too much.

 

[ShiftRacing]

I'm sorry to hear about all that is going on with your daughter. I think it might have helped if she had gotten help at a younger age but never give up on hope. Hopefully the therapists will be able to work with her but it wont be easy and it wont happen overnight. I feel your pain and I understand mostly on what you guys are going through. I started dating my girlfriend about 16 months ago and I could have pinned it that her 9-year old boy had some sort of aspergers even if it was just a mild case. Everything I researched online pointed toward AS. I began to get very worried about him and how he was going to become a confident, well-rounded and successful adult. The way it was going I felt like he was going to have a hard time as he got older and older mostly worrying about what will happen when he gets into Jr. High and High School. Well just last week we had him go see a pediatric behavioral specialist and she ruled out AS and claimed he has some sort of anxiety disorder. She highly recommended that he see a psychologist so now we are looking for the right one. I'm still not 100% convinced that he doesnt have some sort of AS but hopefully the psychologists will be able to figure it out when they meet him. We only sat and talked with the specialist for about 45 minutes so she didnt get to see the "real" side of him. Thats the biggest thing I worry about with him.....if he will be able to become a well-rounded adult. Right now he barely has any friends and he never wants to leave the house unless I make him. Keep us updated if you can please.

 

[red_dog]

Sounds like you and your daughter are going through a tough time at the moment. I don't want to mislead you and say she will get over it - as Aspergers is a life long condition. But with appropriate support and understanding she should be able to cope much better. Many adults with Aspergers struggle with employment, but if she can find a job that suits her with a supportive employer, she could go really well.

I would suggest the most important thing is for you and your daughter to really understand Aspergers and how it uniquely presents in her (not everyone with Aspergers has the same challenges). It is important to remember that although some traits of Aspergers can be challenging, at the same time they can also be gifts. For example: I have difficulties coping with changes and unstructured times, but when I have clear rules and routines I follow them very accurately (I know all the policies and procedures at work very well and follow them really well, while others chose that they don't feel like following the rules). Another piece of advice that I was given that may be helpful is "It is important to remember that Aspergers is rarely a handicap. It is the environment and lack of understanding from others that typically results in struggle. People with Aspergers are often able to overcome their difficulties if appropriate strategies and supports are in place". So for example I often find talking with other people difficult, but if I can write or email an agenda of what I would like to discuss - then I can be more productive in meetings rather than just freeze with anxiety.

So I would suggest you start to compile a list of what Aspergers traits your daughter has. Include things that she does well at - special interests and talents as they can often be the key to success. Work out what the biggest challenges are for her & start to find strategies that will help her overcome these challenges (this is where a professional with experience with Aspergers could be really useful). Include your daughter in this as much as possible, but you can help her research and advocate for her too. She may prefer to do her own lists or research or seek her own online support - that is ok too - it is important to find what works for her. Be there for her as a support and guide, sometimes you may need to push her with somethings, but it won't work if you are always pushing her in ways she doesn't want to go. Help her find out what she does want to do and allow her to explore her interests as it is important for her to understand herself.

I am in Australia, so I don't understand how your health or education systems work, so can't offer any specific advice with what services you could access, but I would suggest you try to find out. When I was first diagnosed (3 years ago as an adult), and prior to my Aspergers diagnosis when I was diagnosed with Anxiety/Depression, I was mostly dependant on what my regular doctor thought might help. I personally have not found medication much help, nor some types of therapy. I was initially only referred to private psychologists, but have since found that there is a vast range of mental health professionals that can help: mental health nurses, social workers, psychologists (I did find one who specialised in Aspergers who was very helpful), psychiatrists (they tend to prefer medications), occupational therapy, counsellors & probably more. Also I preferred some types of therapy such as ACT (a mindfulness type therapy) more than traditional CBT type therapy - but it is a matter of trial & error and researching to find out what helps your daughter most.

There is sometimes that I don't want to leave my house either and spend lots of time on the computer. The outside world seems too overwhelming with social interactions. I find it helpful to spend time outside either in my garden, or at another quiet place, with more solitary pursuits: gardening, photography of nature, birdwatching, playing with my dog. Sometimes it helps to choose a time that others won't be there, such as walking my dog at night, or visiting the library when it is less busy. You could help your daughter to find what else she likes other that computer games. But sometimes playing computer games may be what she needs to help her cope with her anxiety.

I find that when I become more anxious or depressed then I also crave junk food. Perhaps worth finding out more about how sugar affects anxiety and discussing this with your daughter. The spikes and lows of simple sugar consumption can often have a big impact on anxiety. Reducing consumption of simple sugars and caffeine, and including more complex carbohydrates and protein could help. Explain why you would like her to try to make some small changes and let her decide which healthier foods she would like to have more of.

Perhaps the teeth cleaning is a sensory issue - she doesn't like the feel of it. Or if her gums bleed when she tries to clean her teeth, then she may not like the taste or thought of bleeding. I also don't like cleaning my teeth, and when I get really anxious I stop doing it. But it is necessary so I try to make it part of my routine even if I don't like it.

Is there anyway she could study from home, without the need to attend a school or class, or only occasionally? If not perhaps a small school or class with a mentor or support person to help her with the social interactions? Find out what is available, keep looking for ways to adapt to suit what your daughter needs. Help her to identify why she needs an education and how best to get one that suits her.

Good luck.

 

[artfull dodger]

I also feel your pair. Most on the spectrum, be they Aspie or Autie like routine and sticking to it. That alone drives my wife nuts sometimes. Whatever special talents she has, be it with computers ect is where her possible career lies. While I cannot add more than very basic numbers in my head, I can see how things work, take them apart and fix them as long as they are not to complicated. I also have an obsession with lawn mowers, espicaly older ones. So I work for a huge John Deere dealership fixing lawn and garden mowing equipment. They know I am Aspie and support me as needed. Like at todays huge harvest clinic. Over 400 farmers at our dealership. They made sure I had duties that kept me mostly away from everybody, cooking the burgers on the grill. I then could come and go among the crowd as little or as much as I wanted, then retreat back away without being in trouble for "hiding out". Many Aspies work in the IT sector with computers. As she grows and works hopefully towards independance, 24 hour a day places like Walmart or other places to shop are blessings. I try to do my shopping at off hours when there is less noise, less people and its not bright and sunny out. I do better at night or twilight if at all possible. My therapist uses a combination of ABA and CBT therapy with me. I wasn't diagnosed till I was almost 41. But struggled just as your daughter is when I was her age. Only my love of my model trains and my antique garden tractor I restored at that age kept me from the darkness of suicide. That is also very common among teens on the spectrum unfortunatly. I was told 2 out of 10 do not make it to be adults. And I will say I considered it, prepared for it atleast twice in my teens but never went thru with it. I as bulllied daily in school, beat up weekly. My 10th grade year was my last in public school as I finaly grew taller and stronger than the one bully and I put him thru a plate glass window. Asperger's wasnt even a diagnosis at that time. My 11th and 12th grade years were at a small pvt church school. I had a class of 12, and I was accepted and not bullied there. I enjoyed those last two years of high school more than any other years prior. Life as an adult without diagnosis was rough, I bounced from job to job, usualy quiting in a meltdown over something or just getting bored with the job. After my diagnosis, and with supports in place, mainly my wife and employer, I am much more stable mentaly and emotionaly. I do wear a medical ID bracelet on my left wrist as I tend to become non verbal when under high stress. I have trustees that will help me keep the house clean, and bills/money controled should something happen to my wife. Each Aspie is different, there are lots of books and programs you can watch, like on Amazon Prime, about coming of age with Aspergers, transitioning to adulthood ect. All geared to teens with Asperger's and their parents. I highly recommend reading them or watching them. The more you can learn about the condition, the better you can help your daughter and better understand her. Your in the right place being here as well. Maybe your daughter will join as well, there are many teens here. Mike

 

[Stik]

Your daughter sounds a lot like my 16-year-old self. I'm 34 now and am on the road to my dreams. I still struggle and it took me awhile to get here, but I just got diagnosed with hfa/aspergers and believe it would've helped to know earlier.

Being 16 sucked! I was depressed, anxious, bullied, ate horrible, felt that I NEEDED a boyfriend and took rejection and break ups hard. My grades went from A's to F's and I dropped out after trying alternative learning. Best advice I got was to quit trying alternative learning, get my GED and look into college. But it wasn't forced on me and I feel like that mattered. I think it helped that people were just starting to let me be and do my own thing. I was lucky enough to get a change of scenery when I was 18 and moved in with my sister states away. I learned how to be independent and provide for myself while having my sister as a safety net. I got to turn my hobbies into a profession, it was a great learning experience. I moved back home and was immediately ready to be independent and get my own place.

Anyway, it's not an easy road but there's hope. Try talking to her about video games in a friendly way, be interested. Ask about her friends online in a non threatening way. Ask what they're like as if you were asking about any friend. Be interested in her interests and make sure she knows you're there for her. Keep an eye on the depression and understand that it's draining and hard for her. I can't stress enough to be there for her, I needed that so badly and I think that's why I was successful at my sister's. She believed in me and always made sure I was okay. If you're doing this already, great! Keep doing it. Be there but let her be. Also, interest in video games can turn into several great career paths