New here & would like to help my partner....

[Hannah]

Hi Everyone
This is my first time on here. My name is Hannah, i'm 30 and live in England. My partner is 38 and has Aspergers Syndrome. He works full time and is (what i would guess) high functioning - he has a high IQ, has obtained a PhD and works for a university.

I am concerned about him because he has started to make comments about how much his aspergers 'symptoms' show and he doesnt like it.
Some history might help here - he got diagnosed aged 12, although with hindsight he clearly showed symptoms during childhood. At this age no 'treatment'/help was sought & it was basically forgotten about.
In 2006, he met me. I recognised his symptoms & started to help him become less rigid with his routines, which allowed him to function better.
He has improved a lot and also become much more aware of being aspergers and what it means or involves. At the moment he seems to be going through a phase of stuttering, mainly at home. He will get stuck saying one word in a sentence 3-4 times and then gets annoyed at himself.
He also hand flaps &/or whistles when surprised or anxious. This happens mainly when out as he is hypersensitive to touch, and dreads people brushing against him. He has previously been diagnosed with tourettes. I am not sure which movements are from which problem, but he feels embarrassed when he does it out in public.

Can anyone advise me how i can help my partner to come to terms with his asperger symptoms?
Thanks a lot

 

[Tarragon]

Hmm. Embarrassed? Not sure whether he is ashamed of it or merely irritated that he has these symptoms. Everyone's journey is different, and I think its great he got the phD and a job at a uni - they should be really tolerant of his condition. Has anyone ever mentioned this to him at work?

 

[tw3]

Hannah,
I am an Aspie and my wife is NT. Over 45 years of marriage she has helped me cope. She is always nice to me and other people. When I do something in public she will step in to "interpret" it for the others in the best way possible to save me from embarrassment. If I am misunderstanding what is really happening (often) she signals me and fills me in before I say something weird.
The best thing she does is tell me she loves me just the way I am.
I hope this helps you.

 

[Hannah]

Hmm. Embarrassed? Not sure whether he is ashamed of it or merely irritated that he has these symptoms. Everyone's journey is different, and I think its great he got the phD and a job at a uni - they should be really tolerant of his condition. Has anyone ever mentioned this to him at work?

had a tutor support him through the last years of his studies paid for by his disabled students allowance. But no-one at his work knows about his aspergers. He keeps it a secret from everyone - friends & family. Only me & his in-laws know.

Hannah,
I am an Aspie and my wife is NT. Over 45 years of marriage she has helped me cope. She is always nice to me and other people. When I do something in public she will step in to "interpret" it for the others in the best way possible to save me from embarrassment. If I am misunderstanding what is really happening (often) she signals me and fills me in before I say something weird.
The best thing she does is tell me she loves me just the way I am.
I hope this helps you.

That is really nice! I interpret jokes for my partner, he never understands sarcasm. And when i can see someone is going to bump into him or brush past, i touch him first on the arm, which seems to reduce his hand flapping or 'startle' response. He eats the same brands of food for breakfast everyday, so i make sure we always have those in the cupboards. And he always goes walking on a saturday so i arrange my shifts to work then. Thanks for your help, i do love my partner just the way he is.

 

[Tarragon]

So he is going through life as a "secret aspie"? That's got to be tough. It's usually the case of people not knowing that they are aspies, having problems and finding out they are aspies. I've never thought about it the other way round, except for the idea that I'd rather have known about my Aspergers a lot sooner than when I was 40!!

I never thought someone would want to hide it. I can understand wanting to moderate it to help get on with others etc, but to not tell anyone...

Is he afraid he will loose his job? Is there a lot of socialising needed for it? Why is it annoying him so much? Perhaps there's an underlying issue going on about acceptance?

Thats as much analysis as I can do(!) - he is fortunate to have you looking out for him, so I hope you can find an answer.

 

[Hannah]

So he is going through life as a "secret aspie"? That's got to be tough. It's usually the case of people not knowing that they are aspies, having problems and finding out they are aspies. I've never thought about it the other way round, except for the idea that I'd rather have known about my Aspergers a lot sooner than when I was 40!!

I never thought someone would want to hide it. I can understand wanting to moderate it to help get on with others etc, but to not tell anyone...

Is he afraid he will loose his job? Is there a lot of socialising needed for it? Why is it annoying him so much? Perhaps there's an underlying issue going on about acceptance?

Thats as much analysis as I can do(!) - he is fortunate to have you looking out for him, so I hope you can find an answer.

Thanks Tarragon. It is like in the last year or two he is suddenly starting to realise he is different to other people, maybe he just needs time to adjust. He does need to network for his job at conferences where he speaks - i wouldnt expect him to tell those type of people. But he works closely (daily contact) with 3 other people who dont know anything - although i suspect they might have noticed him being a bit "quirky". (And he does misunderstand emails) They are the nearest people he has to friends, although he would never consider having lunch with them or anything.
He is just very solidtary, we had been in a relationship for 2yrs before he said he missed me. Now when he goes abroad for work, he says he gets homesick, which i see as improvement, it means he's finally 'attached' properly to our family unit - me, the dog and his chinchilla