Need help- aspie roommate and boyfriend issue

[sconesail]

Hi All,

I have posted about this situation before, but I could really use your help and perspective on this.

My roommate and good friend, Kat, has Asperger's. She is "engaged" to C- though they have never met. He has planned to come down to see her several times and each time something has "Come up. and he can't make it." (He lives in another state.)

Their relationship has been bumpy at times, to say the least. Kat is also basically obsessed with him. If things are going well with their relationship, everything is fine. If they get into an argument it sends Kat into a full meltdown. By this, I mean, crying, threatening to hurt herself, everything. (She does have depression and is treated for it.) I can usually calm her down. Or he will eventually apologize.) Lately, things have not been going well.

C was supposed to fly down this week. Kat told him it was his last chance. He used every excuse in the book as to why he couldn't book his flight- ex, expedia was down, he needed a new bank card, he didn't know how to book online. (He also claimed he wouldn't come cause he didn't want to see me- partly because I knew him when he lived here, but mostly because I have not been shy about voicing my opinion to Kat about the situation) He eventually said he would get a money order, send it to my roommate, have her book the flight, and do it that way. Of course, he didn't get the money order or book his flight. I cannot tell you how much grief this caused Kat- one day he is coming, the next another issue comes up. Finally, last Friday, he said that he had booked the tickets, gave Kat flight numbers and such.

Kat was happy. I hoped he would come. Of course, Kat went into overdrive making plans for a family gathering, cleaning, making plans to stay at her mothers-where he would also be staying, etc.etc. I even felt bad because I knew I said some things about him that I probably shouldn't have.

Well, Sunday night, Craig tells Kat that he will not be coming after all. He also says that he spent the day looking at apartments because he was moving in with someone else. I was furious and Kat was confused, upset, and really furious. He also said he had agreed to sub for someone at work this week. Basically, all of this information confirms the fact that I do not think he has any intention of ever coming down. Instead of telling the truth, he told Kat that he would see if someone could work for him and tell her Monday. He didn't call. He didn't get a sub. Basically, nothing in his story added up.

Last night, I finally gave him a piece of my mind. I told him I felt that he was being really cruel and manipulative in his treatment of Kat. That it was not ok for him to do this and that he had really messed up. His response, "I told you she would take me back and I'm not manipulative." I am just appalled at his behavior. Unfortunately, Kat hasn't given up on him.

I am frustrated because I am pretty sure he has been lying to Kat about many things. I have also had to deal with the fall out. Kat was too upset to tell her mother he wasn't coming, so I did it. Kat has been so depressed it is horrible. If I say anything about it, I become the enemy.

I finally asked Kat if she viewed having a relationship as one way of being considered "Normal". She said yes. She has three sisters and has never really gotten along with them as much as she would like too. I asked her if she was concerned about relationships because she wanted to make her own family on her own terms and that is part of this whole thing as well. Is this common with Asperger's?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to be supportive. I'm kind of mad that she has taken him back so quickly. I'm also afraid that this whole horrible cycle will repeat itself. C is basically her life and sometimes she forgets to do things because she will be talking to him late at night or they will have gotten into an argument. Basically, she forgets small things like doing the dishes or other things she is supposed to do around the house. Then if I say anything about it I get- "well, I was goind to do it, but we got in a fight and I just didn't have the energy or you just want me to get over this aspergers." (no, I just want you to do your part.)

Ok, sorry about the long story. I just don't know what to do. I mean all I can do is try to be supportive, but it also makes me angry. She does have an appointment with her psychologist comeing up and I am hoping she will have some ideas.

What is your take on this?

Thanks,
sconesail

 

[Flinty]

It's time to put your foot down. Actually, it's time for you to wash your hands of it. Just tell her that her "relationship" is none of your business. The use of quotes is deliberate.

Either that, or help her get out of state so she can see the truth, whatever it may be, at his end.

None of this is pleasant, but it shouldn't be.

 

[Ereth]

I honestly think it's time for you to consider moving out. You've done so much for your roommate, and even stood up to her "fiance." But if this has come to the point where things like this happen constantly, I think you need to do what's best for you and stop worrying about her.

C is basically her life and sometimes she forgets to do things because she will be talking to him late at night or they will have gotten into an argument. Basically, she forgets small things like doing the dishes or other things she is supposed to do around the house. Then if I say anything about it I get- "well, I was goind to do it, but we got in a fight and I just didn't have the energy or you just want me to get over this aspergers." (no, I just want you to do your part.)

 

[sconesail]

Hi All,

Thanks for the advice.

I had a long talk with Kat about everything yesterday and I think it helped. It turned out that she was afraid to talk about things because she was afraid I would get mad. I said, "look, I'm not going to get mad or upset just tell me what is going on." She said she wasn't sure about C, but was afraid to let him go because, so far, this is the actually the best relationship she has had. She also wants to know what is going on, ie, why he didn't come so she can deal with it. It was actually good to hear her point of view. When she was chatting with C online last night, he kept asking questions about what I had said. So I talked to him as well. I told him exactly how I felt. By the end of it, we basically came to an agreement that I think may work for all of us. I will try and stay out of it. If C has a question for me, he will ask me, not Kat. Basically, I am going to try and stay out of it as much as possible. I will listen and help Kat in any way I can. I may give my opinion but that is all.

As to living arrangements, neither of us wants to move out. Due to a fainting disorder, I cannot drive. I also have a service dog named Dora who is able to alert to the fainting. Kat can and does- I give her a break on the rent because she does drive me. If either one of us moved out now, both of us would probably have to move back in with our parents. This is not something that either of us wants to do and I think it would be a step backwards for both of us. Right now, I live in an area where I can walk to some places I need to go. I have much more independence than I would if I lived with my parents and the only other choice right now would be living with my older brother- not a good idea. Kat and I have talked about this and neither one of us wants to move yet. It may not be the ideal living situation, but for right now, it works.

So basically, I am going to try and stay out of things. If Kat wants or needs to talk, then I am here. I do not want and will not let a guy ruin a perfectly good friendship.

Thanks again for the advice.
sconesail