Meltdowns...what the heck?

[Esse808]

I apologize in advance if this topic has already been discussed. I am new to this forum and when I did a search, I couldn't find the topic. When I Google search, most articles seem to deal with meltdowns in Aspie children, not adults.

I am NT but my boyfriend is Aspie. The only thing about him that I really have a tough time with are his meltdowns. I don't understand them at all. They are unpredictable and to an NT like me, they seem utterly ridiculous and very scary. Very much like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I want to understand what triggers them and how to diffuse them as quickly as possible when they happen.

My boyfriend will have a meltdown over things that seem little to me, like getting temporarily lost while driving. More specifically, if I am the one that is driving, unfamiliar with the area, and happen to make a wrong turn that is easily correctable. He freaks out when this happens and goes from 0 to Foaming-At-The-Mouth angry at me. Another common meltdown for him is when he is working on a repair project that isn't going as smoothly as expected. He gets frustrated and angry about it, so I try to calm him down by reminding him that with a calm, cool head he can think clearly and figure out what's wrong. Telling him to calm down pisses him off even more, so I've learned to just leave him alone and walk away but there are some meltdowns that he does not let me walk away from.

He's had meltdowns over other stupid little things here and there and thankfully his meltdowns don't occur very often, but they are terrible for me to deal with. Aside from the frightening aspect of him turning beet red, yelling, and foaming at the mouth like, he has also punched holes in the walls and doors. Once or twice he has even banged his head against a wall or hurt himself in some small way. He nearly got us evicted from the last apartment we lived in. Now we live in a house so that we don't have neighbors too close for us to disturb. Some of our friends have witnessed his meltdowns and give me pitying looks but are scared to say anything. My boyfriend always eventually apologizes for his meltdowns but he doesn't think they are as scary as I find them and he thinks as long as he is not hitting me or anyone else, there's no problem and it's just him being angry. I don't want him acting like this in front of our kid and he doesn't either but he says he loses his mind when he has these meltdowns. He feels bad because he doesn't want to make our child afraid of him or teach him to handle his stress in that way.

These meltdowns are enough to make a girl run for the hills but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. We've been best friends for over 3 years and most days he is very loving and loyal. I was hoping any member, Aspie or otherwise, can tell me about their meltdowns and what they prefer their loved ones to do when they happen.

 

[Soup]

"... so I've learned to just leave him alone and walk away but there are some meltdowns that he does not let me walk away from. "-Esse808

"Some of our friends have witnessed his meltdowns and give me pitying looks but are scared to say anything."- E808

Esse, you've got to bear in mind that your BF is not a diagnosed Aspie, has never identified as one & you are assuming he is one based on a few things you've read. Within the context of what you call 'meltdowns', this is very important to remember. These 2 statements above are very distressing & the behaviours you describe do NOT sound like adult Aspie melt-downs. Before you bring a child into an at times inflammatory situation, you've got some serious thinking to do. If this is how he can react over a simple wring turn on the road, what will it be when a baby wakes up screaming every 4 hours or maybe every 2 some nights. You'll be exhausted as all new mothers are & so will he. As wonderful as babies are, they're a lot of work, they can be emotionally draining & exhausting. His tendency to show explosive, irrational rage will likely increase.

Melt-downs usually happen due to sensory-type over-stimulation issues & Aspie adults don't all get them. Some of us do, but they tend not to look like what you've described. If those around you are afraid to say anything, the problem is probably more severe than you're willing to openly acknowledge. His behaviour is unacceptable & is abusive.

"I don't want him acting like this in front of our kid and he doesn't either but he says he loses his mind when he has these meltdowns."-E808

If he acts like this in front of you & he's acted like this in front of friends & he's almost gotten you guys evicted because of his behaviours, please do not go into denial: he WILL act this way in front of your child & your child will witness much chaos. Children do not behave according to a parent's shifting moods, tip-toeing about. They spill things, break stuff, make all kinds of messes & lose stuff. They thrown tantrums, get sick, barf & poop, & as they get older, they get mouthy. AND these are NOT the 'behaviour problem' kids! You need to address this with a professional with whom you can be blunt & honest about the true severity, intensity & frequency of his outbursts. You cannot address this by searching the web for "How to manage melt-downs adult Aspies". Unless you shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, you will never be able to manage his rage: this is something he has to acknowledge, STOP DOING (no other response is acceptable) & he has to seek help for it.

The friends who pity you are people you need to speak candidly to about what they've seen & what they think about it. Why the pity/silence como: what are they afraid of? That is a BIG red flag. Are they scared of: reprisal from him? Losing their friendship with you? Bursting your bubble-vision of a happy peaceful family life? Fear for what he eventually will do to you? Fear of him isolating you from them? Since you love this man & you're heavily invested in the relationship (esp with a baby coming) you are likely minimizing this problem & focusing on & inflating the positive. Your friends are not invested & probably much more objective. Have your family members ever witnessed him behave as you describe?

Do you know about his family? What are their relationships like & what has he told you about his upbringing? Does he drink on occasion?

If your adult friends are afraid, think of how scary this will be for an innocent baby or toddler! Even if he eventually does get diagnosed as an Aspie, we all agree that Asperger's is NOT an excuse for harming others & harm doesn't just mean striking someone.

I know this is probably not the response you were hoping for but I hope it helps give you some food for thought.

 

[Gomendosi]

I am NT but my boyfriend is Aspie. The only thing about him that I really have a tough time with are his meltdowns. I don't understand them at all. They are unpredictable and to an NT like me, they seem utterly ridiculous and very scary. Very much like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I want to understand what triggers them and how to diffuse them as quickly as possible when they happen.
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He gets frustrated and angry about it, so I try to calm him down by reminding him that with a calm, cool head he can think clearly and figure out what's wrong. Telling him to calm down pisses him off even more, so I've learned to just leave him alone and walk away but there are some meltdowns that he does not let me walk away from.
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Some of our friends have witnessed his meltdowns and give me pitying looks but are scared to say anything. My boyfriend always eventually apologizes for his meltdowns but he doesn't think they are as scary as I find them and he thinks as long as he is not hitting me or anyone else, there's no problem and it's just him being angry.
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We've been best friends for over 3 years and most days he is very loving and loyal. I was hoping any member, Aspie or otherwise, can tell me about their meltdowns and what they prefer their loved ones to do when they happen.

your BF is not a diagnosed Aspie, has never identified as one & you are assuming he is one based on a few things you've read. Within the context of what you call 'meltdowns', this is very important to remember. These 2 statements above are very distressing & the behaviours you describe do NOT sound like adult Aspie melt-downs.
---
Melt-downs usually happen due to sensory-type over-stimulation issues & Aspie adults don't all get them. Some of us do, but they tend not to look like what you've described. If those around you are afraid to say anything, the problem is probably more severe than you're willing to openly acknowledge. His behaviour is unacceptable & is abusive.
---
You need to address this with a professional with whom you can be blunt & honest about the true severity, intensity & frequency of his outbursts.

Hello Esse808, I am an Aspie that used to be like your guy and I identify quite a lot with the way he is being described, but I had to step in here to say that while soup herself is not officially diagnosed, nor apparently is she aware of the severity of behaviour some will experience during a ?meltdown?, I do find she is actually a very helpful person and has a lot to say that can be useful and so to that end, I also would like to recommend you both see somebody professional. Not only for a diagnosis if he hasn?t already got one (is he diagnosed, as that would explain a lot about his life to him should he indeed be an Aspie), but he should also speak with someone about anger management issues as this could be making his ?meltdowns? worse or even triggering them.

Very few people on this forum are trained as counsellors, so please bear in mind that we can only ever offer opinion and speculation, it is up to the two of you to seek professional advice, obviously ; ]

When you say the ?meltdowns? are "utterly ridiculous and very scary", I agree, because of the level of emotion he experiences he may not articulate well, he may resort to stimming heavily which could include babbling nonsense and ?looking? funny while clapping or hopping or something else physical, it can seem quite silly to an outside observer but it is a pressure release and at that point he isn?t caring to look stupid, he is just trying to put himself to rights, if he thinks he is being mocked or pitied at all he will abandon the calming down and just embrace the anger.
Generally a meltdown may occur over something that can seem irrelevant like an empty toilet roll falling off the bathroom sink while your putting another one on the spindle (yes I went ballistic) and it can look quite silly for the reason that it appears to be a mountain out of a molehill situation, but I can only imagine that like with myself, there is a lot of unresolved feeling that hasn?t been dealt with and that little thing just sets it off, as in a the tip of the iceberg type scenario.
I also have been known to go from saintlike calm to irrational tyrant, It could be that if everything that is overwhelming him and his constant trying to be normal is finally too much, it is the quickest release just to explode, it isn?t actually you he is angry with, it is his inability to cope in comparison to how he perceives everybody else around him is able to.
You really should leave him alone at this point as you?re just adding to his confusion. If he won?t let you walk away when he is like that then by all means talk it out as he may be trying to use you to calm down quicker, sometimes when I got like that I would argue with people, not to argue but to help my reasoning ability kick in so as to help make things make sense again.

I have been told of the Jekyll and Hyde comparison in me, I had a upbringing with no support or sympathy, I had nobody to turn to or listen and so I had to deal with everything I experienced on my own terms and as most of it was negative, I almost always ended up angry as that was the most accessible emotion to me, if your guy has had a bad childhood he may have used anger to cope and this has become a habit, because if people are frightened of him, surely they will leave him alone, or so he may hope. Again I don?t know him so I am not certain this is the necessarily case for him.

However, if he ever gets physical with anybody there is absolutely no excuse; at that point he is just a gormless thug.

The friends, not knowing the situation, only see what is present in their company, they don?t know the long hours of anguish and frustration with ordinary things they take for granted, it may be that trying to fit in with them when all he wants to do is play Xbox is what tips him off, plus, in trying to understand the situation you may tell the friends all the bad things he does and they don?t know the things that led up to the actual event, so they are only going on what they know, much as I am now.

I would say that if you have had a good long relationship where most of it is smooth sailing and then he has his ?off? days, it would be a possibility that there is a place on the spectrum for him.
If you haven?t already, the first step then would possibly be, to take time to talk to him about how you feel about his outbursts, how he feels when he gets like that, and what it is precisely that he wants from you at that point so you are not playing a guessing game as to how to react. Tell him what you?ve told us and go into more detail, as well as detailing your fears for the future and where you think all this is taking the family.
If he doesn?t realise the severity of his ?meltdowns? it could be he is used to them, find out if they are more regular or more severe lately, discuss whether he thinks he has a problem and what to do about it if he thinks he does. I really don?t know what to do if he denies there is a problem as when he is rational he should be able to see reason.

I hope I have helped, I am sure I didn?t touch on everything you mentioned but this has been a lot for me, I just felt I had to speak up to let you know this is not at all uncommon, it is rarely talked about openly as it can be misconstrued, overlooked in favour of other more immediate answers and to be frank, embarrassing for the person in question, I am fairly certain that if he is in fact anything like me then he doesn't like being this way, it is probably a coping mechanism that while being a poor one, has become ingrained and like anything learned he can be taught other strategies for getting around the things that make him feel so hopeless. It would usually be a sense of utter helplessness that drives him in that instance and it can be overcome, I usually laugh at myself now if I feel like getting like that.

 

[Soup]

@ Gomendosi: You make many important points:

"I have been told of the Jekyll and Hyde comparison in me, I had a upbringing with no support or sympathy, I had nobody to turn to or listen and so I had to deal with everything I experienced on my own terms and as most of it was negative, I almost always ended up angry as that was the most accessible emotion to me, if your guy has had a bad childhood he may have used anger to cope and this has become a habit, because if people are frightened of him, surely they will leave him alone, or so he may hope. Again I don’t know him so I am not certain this is the necessarily case for him." Gomendosi

This is why I asked about his childhood/family experiences. Sometimes these reactions are often rooted in childhood. Since I work with kids & meet kids who grew up in loveless, hostile environments it always saddens me to hear of their experiences. It's a wonder they turn out as well as they do. Sometimes, since nobody was there to

As for lacking a formal diagnosis, that is true. However, I have quietly gone to see & get evaluated by a local private psych who is a specialist in adult Autism & off the record, I DO have a diagnosis. The reason I refuse to get the formal diagnosis is the potentially catastrophic effect it would have on my career. Unfortunately, conservative institutions tend to have strong biases against what they would see (the old stodgies who make the big decisions) as someone who is not fully in control of herself & who may become dangerous. The only thing preventing me from allowing for the diagnosis to be formalized is the unfortunate need for me to be in full NT drag in my career.

 

[Loomis]

There is no doubt in my mind that both soup and Gomendosi are both aspies and that their respective views on the behavior of your aspie boyfriend are accurate understandings of his behavior. You see, there is great diversity among us aspies. I have an official diagnosis for what it is worth. Each of us views the NT world in a remarkably similar way which at the same time is unique. Paradoxical as it may seem we experience the world uniformly from a multiplicity of perspectives. There is a simple explanation for this. Just as NT brains are wired the same way, our ASD brains are also all wired the same way as other aspie brains but very differently than NT brains. And just as NTs have a huge diversity of personalities so do we. This means our behaviors at their extremes are very diverse.

My personal extreme behavior culminates in rage. My rage never goes out of control but is clearly frightening to my family. Usually it is the result of the accumulation of many small events over time. They build and build until they reach a point where they are triggered by some singular event. At this point I will typically break something dramatically. I always, always break something cheap. I may break a coffee cup or computer keyboard. I do not smash an expensive vase or damage a valuable antique. I do not hit or harm a person. This is my blowout valve and I have never gone beyond this point. When I was much younger I often felt like a spring that would become more and more tightly coiled. When this happened to me I would engage in a high risk behavior like walking on a narrow path across a dam, go into high crime areas of the city at night, go rock climbing or whitewater kayaking. I sought an adrenaline rush to release the tension inside me and it worked. As I matured I realized if i continued on this route my luck would run out one day. Today I work out at the gym and trade commodity futures to release my tensions.

My son has an official aspie diagnosis. When he becomes angry he becomes unreachable. It is impossible to communicate with him; he hears nothing you are trying to tell him. I have learned you must allow him to cool down on his own and come back later when he calms down.

I don't know if this helps but good luck. Your boyfriend's behavior is unique and may evolve but will likely remain predictable.

 

[Soup]

So long as there is no baby or infant in the mix, an adult has a choice as to whether or not to remain with someone who has explosive rage-type issues. these can be exacerbated by Asperger's, they can be affected by substance abuse, they may be maladaptive behaviours learned from a dysfunctional upbringing & sometimes too some people are just @$$holes. I doubt that last one is the case in the E808's situation or she wouldn't have chose have a child with him.

Even if we set aside all the reasons potentially driving or contributing to his outbursts, one thing is certain & indisputable: they will adversely affect, traumatize & frighten a child. No baby should have to witness his or her father screaming, foaming at the mouth, dad not allowing mom to walk away, items being thrown & smashed (even if these items are cheap) & holes being punched into walls. I see the effects in children of exposure to these kinds of behaviours on a regular basis. They are afraid.

It shows in toddlers who fly into a terrified sometimes stiff panic over minor spills. It shows in kids who are terrified of not coming home with perfect grades or perfect behaviour reports. It isn't so much that the parent will punish them for not eing a perfect student, it's that they're striving to never do anything that they believe will trigger mom or dad into going on a rampage. Despite what we tell them as adults, kids are largely egocentric & tend to find ways of making virtually anything that happens into something that is their fault. Even in cases of students whose parents are divorcing, I've had them tell me, "If I had not put so much stress on them & been more obedient at home, maybe this wouldn't have happened." "If I help out more at home & take more care of my little sister, maybe my parents will get back together."

This is born out of a sense of powerlessness over the major outcomes in their lives &, of course, the normal development of the young brain. Adding a baby to a volatile situation doesn't calm it down: the added stress, exhaustion & demands on the couple cause even more strain. Ultimately, the one needing things to change in a hurry is this unborn baby.

"...discuss whether he thinks he has a problem and what to do about it if he thinks he does. I really don’t know what to do if he denies there is a problem as when he is rational he should be able to see reason."- Gomendosi

THIS is of critical importance if you are to ever create a household in which your baby can grow & thrive.

 

[Loomis]

So long as there is no baby or infant in the mix, an adult has a choice as to whether or not to remain with someone who has explosive rage-type issues. these can be exacerbated by Asperger's, they can be affected by substance abuse, they may be maladaptive behaviours learned from a dysfunctional upbringing & sometimes too some people are just @$$holes. I doubt that last one is the case in the E808's situation or she wouldn't have chose have a child with him.

Even if we set aside all the reasons potentially driving or contributing to his outbursts, one thing is certain & indisputable: they will adversely affect, traumatize & frighten a child. No baby should have to witness his or her father screaming, foaming at the mouth, dad not allowing mom to walk away, items being thrown & smashed (even if these items are cheap) & holes being punched into walls. I see the effects in children of exposure to these kinds of behaviours on a regular basis. They are afraid.

It shows in toddlers who fly into a terrified sometimes stiff panic over minor spills. It shows in kids who are terrified of not coming home with perfect grades or perfect behaviour reports. It isn't so much that the parent will punish them for not eing a perfect student, it's that they're striving to never do anything that they believe will trigger mom or dad into going on a rampage. Despite what we tell them as adults, kids are largely egocentric & tend to find ways of making virtually anything that happens into something that is their fault. Even in cases of students whose parents are divorcing, I've had them tell me, "If I had not put so much stress on them & been more obedient at home, maybe this wouldn't have happened." "If I help out more at home & take more care of my little sister, maybe my parents will get back together."

This is born out of a sense of powerlessness over the major outcomes in their lives &, of course, the normal development of the young brain. Adding a baby to a volatile situation doesn't calm it down: the added stress, exhaustion & demands on the couple cause even more strain. Ultimately, the one needing things to change in a hurry is this unborn baby.

"...discuss whether he thinks he has a problem and what to do about it if he thinks he does. I really don?t know what to do if he denies there is a problem as when he is rational he should be able to see reason."- Gomendosi

THIS is of critical importance if you are to ever create a household in which your baby can grow & thrive.

I concur soup.

I grew up terrified of my father as he flew into rages unpredictably, completely losing control of himself. Once, I saw him jump over a fence and beat up the neighbor. He beat my sister and me with 2X4s. In a rage he recklessly threw dangerous objects at us that would have caused serious injury had they hit their mark. He was not alcoholic but rather a man unable to keep his anger within almost any acceptable bounds. He could have been a murderer if conditions were right or his luck bad. My mother did her best and curiously he never laid a finger on her, so I know a small kernel of control existed within that black heart. He lost his job when he was in his 50's because he started a fistfight with the boss's son and was blackballed by his union. He never worked again in his trade. He was a man of contradictions, honest to a fault who sincerely regretted his bad behavior and lived in self-hatred. He was a religious man. He went to church every Sunday and prayed every night before bed. I pitied him in his old age. He died at age 75 in great fear of going to hell after death. I was there when he died. I watched. I felt neither loss nor sorrow. It is fair to say I hated him in my childhood and avoided him whenever possible. I remember once going shopping with him as a small child and although in agony with a full bladder, I was afraid to ask him to take me to the bathroom. My best memory of my father was as a child of six. He took me to a carnival in the neighborhood. He gave me a fifty cent piece, then left me on my own to spend it. It was heavenly; rides were a nickel and I could enjoy that carnival without enduring his odious presence.

My childhood confirms what you say soup. I was at the place you speak of. I grew up in terror and it molded the person I became. I chose to become an independent man who could live without reliance on others. I am there now. I am retired and value my autonomy above all else in this world. It means more to me than anything. Material things are not dear to me.

When I became a father my most earnest desire was for my son not to fear me as I had feared my father. I tried and failed and deeply regret my failure as my father regretted his. I made my son afraid, as you described. He experienced my anger and rage and it damaged him. He is lucky to have a loving and devoted mother who although selflessly committed to his best interests, has her own flaws particularly with anger. I have provided for him financially as best I could with a trust. I would do it over differently if I could and going forward I will do whatever I can for him.

 

[Esse808]

Wow, there is so much in all of your comments that I'd like to respond to, I don't even know where to begin. I appreciate all of you for taking your time out to respond and I appreciate all of the information you provided in your responses. I'd like to make it clear before I say anything else that I do not sugarcoat this situation in my own mind and my child's safety and well-being is first and foremost. I have made it clear to him that I will leave before I let any harm come to our child.

This situation is a bit hard to describe on a forum rather than in person because it is hard to be descriptive without writing an impossibly long post. I didn't mean to make my boyfriend sound like a monster or like he has these meltdowns all the time. He can get easily frustrated and/or stressed out but when he does, most of the time he vents and then he feels better. On rare occasion, he'll go into full meltdown where he's breaking things, and that's usually when he feels that I'm not understanding or being sympathetic to why he is being upset. As an NT it is very difficult for me to understand why something so small could upset him that much and my boyfriend feels ridiculed and misunderstood because of this. Gomendosi and Loomis' first posts are very accurate in describing what my boyfriend's meltdowns are like. As for his friends reactions, you must understand, they see him pissed off from time to time but it is rare for them to catch him in the middle of a meltdown. For those who have witnessed it, it is very shocking to them. They never see that side of him and don't understand why he's THAT upset over something so trivial. The meltdowns are rather infrequent, so it just leads them to believe that he is having a really bad day.

Soup, you are correct, my boyfriend has not been professionally diagnosed and before we pursue that, I want to at least talk to him about his possibility of having Aspergers when the time comes. I do feel that knowing that he is Aspie may explain a lot to himself about his life. For example, my boyfriend is very clumsy. I've never seen anyone drop things, stub toes, or trip over stuff as much as he does. It's one of the traits that he hates about himself and it makes him feel like his life is cursed. It may help him to know why he has these certain traits but then again I'm afraid that it may cement in his mind that his life is cursed.

Also here is a little background about him: His parents divorced when he was 2 years old. His father (who shows a lot of Aspie traits) was intensely focused on his work and hobbies, and showed very little interest in wife and child. After the divorce, my bf's dad disappeared from his life and did not reappear until my bf was in his late teens. His mom worked long hours so he was raised primarily by his maternal grandparents. His first word (at 7 months old) was "refrigerator". As a very young child, he was always interested in electronics, machinery, cars, etc. He was able to repair radios and televisions without looking at a manual. He didn't have much interest in playing with kids his own age. He spent most of his time watching science and history shows with his grandfather or helping his elderly neighbor repair and restore farm equipment. By his account, he had a safe and uneventful childhood. Even now he misses the familiarity and comfort of his childhood home.

As an adult, he does not drink or do drugs. He has a small circle of friends, most of whom are mechanics or engineers that he can discuss his interests with at length. Most of his friends are twice his age. I let him be himself and most of the time we are pretty happy and maybe even boring to be around. I'm a calm person and I like to keep an calm, happy environment. I used to try to step in and calm him down when he gets frustrated but now I just leave him alone. If you ask my boyfriend about his meltdowns, he says he gets them from his father, his mother, and his grandfather. His father wasn't really in his life until he became an adult but I can see similarities in their personalities despite lack of childhood influence. His father does get very upset over little things. I have not yet met his mother or grandfather, and don't know if they show any Aspie traits, but my boyfriend has told me that his mother breaks dishes when she's "upset" and his grandfather has meltdowns similar to his. My boyfriend thinks his "anger issues" are genetic and not learned because his grandmother and uncle do not have these issues despite having been in the same household.

 

[Esse808]

@Loomis, I just now saw your new post about your own father. I am sorry for what you had to go through and your words are definitely words for thought. Thankfully my boyfriend's meltdowns are not anywhere near as severe at those. He doesn't attack other people or me for that matter, but it is still frightening to see someone you love in a rage and hurting themselves or breaking things and that is the part of him that I never want our child to see. My boyfriend doesn't think I have cause for worry because he isn't hurting anyone, only breaking objects but I explain to him that it is something that would still be scary for a child to witness. My boyfriend's father was never violent towards him or around him but they aren't particularly close and his father is very critical and nit-picky towards him. My boyfriend stills resents him for not being there for him while growing up. He is determined to be a good and loving father to our child, so I remind him that part of doing that is making sure that his son feels safe around him. It really upsets him to think of him scaring his own son without meaning to do so, but at the same time, when he is in meltdown mode, he is...unreachable for that moment.

 

[Loomis]

Esse808

From your description i would bet money your bf is an aspie. I can tell you that finding out I was aspie was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was only four months ago but was the holy grail for me. All my life (from my twenties to my sixties) I went to therapists searching for the reason for my social awkwardness and communication limitations. Many therapists helped me to adjust to the NT world and to "act" NT. I did not know at the time that was what I was doing; I only understand it as that in retrospect.

I went for my diagnosis at my wife's urging. I did not think I was aspie because there were many aspie traits I did not recognize in myself. When I went to the diagnostic interview I was open to it even though I thought I would be diagnosed NT. The PhD psychologist I saw is an expert in ASD. At the end she explained her diagnosis and the reasons for it. I listened and agreed with her analysis. She asked at the very end: "What are you going to do with this diagnosis.?" my truthful answer was: "I don't know. This is completely new to me." And so it was, but it made an astonishing difference in my life because now I understand myself and my behavior in a way that was never before possible. My therapists were trying to make a cat into a dog. I have learned how to mimic NT behavior, but I could never become NT. This knowledge and understanding allowed me to accept my social limitations instead of trying to overcome them. I can be authentic now because I know finally the how and why of who I am. It is the most freeing event of my life.

If your bf goes for an evaluation make certain he goes to a psychologist who is expert in ASD. There are many misdiagnoses by psychologists who have limited experience with aspies and auties.

Keep in mind not everyone reacts as I describe above. Some people rebel against the diagnosis or are horrified by it. As I posted earlier: we are all different. However, it is my firm conviction that aspies are better off knowing than not knowing.

Kind Regards,

Loomis

 

[Loomis]

@Loomis, I just now saw your new post about your own father. I am sorry for what you had to go through and your words are definitely words for thought. Thankfully my boyfriend's meltdowns are not anywhere near as severe at those. He doesn't attack other people or me for that matter, but it is still frightening to see someone you love in a rage and hurting themselves or breaking things and that is the part of him that I never want our child to see. My boyfriend doesn't think I have cause for worry because he isn't hurting anyone, only breaking objects but I explain to him that it is something that would still be scary for a child to witness. My boyfriend's father was never violent towards him or around him but they aren't particularly close and his father is very critical and nit-picky towards him. My boyfriend stills resents him for not being there for him while growing up. He is determined to be a good and loving father to our child, so I remind him that part of doing that is making sure that his son feels safe around him. It really upsets him to think of him scaring his own son without meaning to do so, but at the same time, when he is in meltdown mode, he is...unreachable for that moment.

I never hit my son or wife in anger and my extreme rages where i broke things in front of my family were rare. I count three to five over 22 years. My wife and I had a very contentious marriage with frequent bouts of more normal anger. She is very easily angered and I responded to her anger in kind. When I felt myself moving toward rage I usually left the house or went into the garage to break something. I did do a lot of door slamming. Our angry encounters were mostly "fair fights" between equal partners. This is not justification or excuse just a description of facts. Soup is right about the effects on children and it is for the best if they are spared from witnessing escalation of anger to rage.

Interestingly, I believe my father was NT.

 

[Soup]

@ Esse808: Thank you for taking the time to read our replies & to provide so much detail about your situation. As for making long posts, don't worry about it. A lot of the time when a post is too abridged, people misunderstand, make short posts asking a bunch of questions & then their clarification posts, when added together are longer than 1 long thorough post would've been!

"... For example, my boyfriend is very clumsy. I've never seen anyone drop things, stub toes, or trip over stuff as much as he does. It's one of the traits that he hates about himself..." -E808

I had to lol at that one! I'm a world-class clutz too. Despite having a houseful of wide French double doors, I keep slamming my shoulder into the door jambs! I also suddenly topple sideways for no apparent reason; as if someone had tipped the room. I trip over non-existent obstacles & seen to forget where the walls are & where the stairs begin & end. One time, one of my worst clumsy Aspie/spatial issues stories, I approached a doorway in my home leading to a bathroom. Since it was open, I could've just walked right in. What did I do? I absent-mindedly slammed the door shut & proceeded to WALK RIGHT INTO IT!!!!

Now that I'm an older Aspie, I've learned to kind of laugh it off. In another decade or so, I'll simply shrug & blame it on senility!

Your detailed profile of your guy really does sound like he's an Aspie. Getting a firm diagnosis & knowing what is up with himself may prove informative & enlightening. But, as Loomis said, everyone reacts differently. Those of us with careers in conservative environments often hide a diagnosis or deliberately don't get one that would be on paper in a file somewhere since it could adversely affect what we've worked so hard to achieve.

Besides living in fear (or in burning resentment) another issue I've noticed in kids raised with an explosive parent is that, when they're in pre-K through 6th grade, they internalize the maladaptive behaviours they've learned at home. When I have to correct some aspect of their conduct or discipline them, or they have a frustrating interaction with a peer. They flip out & begin throwing things, yelling & really overreacting. At home, the calmer parent often makes excuses for the one who freaks out. "He doesn't really mean it, Daddy (or mom) is just frustrated...blablabla." To add bad to worse, the volatile parent often apologizes later, offers up some lame excuse & tries to 'make up for' what he did. The child is in shock when his peers & his teacher do not react the way the calm parent does. They also are shocked when friends don't want to even hear their apologies & excuses & just isolate him & play with others.

The kid goes home with a letter from the school & often the parents get called in to a meeting over his behaviour. The parents NEVER admit to the staff that the behaviour is being reinforced at home. They seem shocked & lecture little Jimmy & insist that they have no idea 'where he learned to act that way' from. Must be the ____________ <---- (TV, movies, violent video games, older kids on the street or at the park, that 'Jones' boy who is a bad influence, the 'wrong crowd'...) & they inadvertently teach the child to displace his accountability onto even more scapegoats.

These are the kids who often get mis-labelled as having ADHD. In truth, they're frightened confused nervous wrecks who are too scared to speak out about the chaos at home & lack the 'feelings words' to relate what they're living with to how they feel & then how that becomes behaviour. Please please do not let this be your son.

 

[total-recoil]

I apologize in advance if this topic has already been discussed. I am new to this forum and when I did a search, I couldn't find the topic. When I Google search, most articles seem to deal with meltdowns in Aspie children, not adults.

I am NT but my boyfriend is Aspie. The only thing about him that I really have a tough time with are his meltdowns. I don't understand them at all. They are unpredictable and to an NT like me, they seem utterly ridiculous and very scary. Very much like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I want to understand what triggers them and how to diffuse them as quickly as possible when they happen.

My boyfriend will have a meltdown over things that seem little to me, like getting temporarily lost while driving. More specifically, if I am the one that is driving, unfamiliar with the area, and happen to make a wrong turn that is easily correctable. He freaks out when this happens and goes from 0 to Foaming-At-The-Mouth angry at me. Another common meltdown for him is when he is working on a repair project that isn't going as smoothly as expected. He gets frustrated and angry about it, so I try to calm him down by reminding him that with a calm, cool head he can think clearly and figure out what's wrong. Telling him to calm down pisses him off even more, so I've learned to just leave him alone and walk away but there are some meltdowns that he does not let me walk away from.

He's had meltdowns over other stupid little things here and there and thankfully his meltdowns don't occur very often, but they are terrible for me to deal with. Aside from the frightening aspect of him turning beet red, yelling, and foaming at the mouth like, he has also punched holes in the walls and doors. Once or twice he has even banged his head against a wall or hurt himself in some small way. He nearly got us evicted from the last apartment we lived in. Now we live in a house so that we don't have neighbors too close for us to disturb. Some of our friends have witnessed his meltdowns and give me pitying looks but are scared to say anything. My boyfriend always eventually apologizes for his meltdowns but he doesn't think they are as scary as I find them and he thinks as long as he is not hitting me or anyone else, there's no problem and it's just him being angry. I don't want him acting like this in front of our kid and he doesn't either but he says he loses his mind when he has these meltdowns. He feels bad because he doesn't want to make our child afraid of him or teach him to handle his stress in that way.

These meltdowns are enough to make a girl run for the hills but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. We've been best friends for over 3 years and most days he is very loving and loyal. I was hoping any member, Aspie or otherwise, can tell me about their meltdowns and what they prefer their loved ones to do when they happen.

I confess I have rages over very insignifcant things and they seem terrible but I would never become violent. It's more an internal tantrum that does look pretty bad to others.

 

[Esse808]

Hi everyone,

I'm finally over my battle with some minor food poisoning so I have the energy to respond

Loomis, I too would bet money that my bf could get a firm diagnosis as Aspie from a qualified professional. I knew he had to be. I wasn't even looking to diagnose him with anything when I started reading about Aspergers. I was reading that info for an unrelated reason and as I read the characteristics, I realized that most of them sounded just like him. I guess he's probably what one might consider high-functioning, as his characteristics are not ones that would strike the average person as blatantly odd and don't really keep him from living a normal life. He can be socially awkward but I think most people would either think he is a bore (he can go on and on talking about engines to someone who doesn't really care about cars) or they think he can be opinionated and rude. Just last weekend I took him to my co-worker's baby shower and he attempted to aggressively debate the host's brother over politics when all the poor guy did was tell a harmless joke about the recent election. I try to explain to him that there is a time and place for certain conversations, but he doesn't understand that concept. At times, he is also very shy or uncomfortable around people he doesn't know and wants me to do the talking. My favorite characteristic is what I now refer to as his "spidey senses". He has VERY acute senses, which I didn't know is an Aspie trait. He would complain about the extra 1/4 tsp of sugar or spice that I added to a recipe that I've cooked for him before without seeing me add it (I couldn't taste the difference!), or his ability to hear the oboe in a classical orchestra piece playing through one brand of speakers but not another (I had to struggle to hear what he was talking about!). Now that I know he's not making these things up to be annoying, I think it's cool and wish I had sensitive senses too. Even without him knowing that he is Aspie or having an official diagnosis, me knowing has certainly helped me be more understanding and patient with him.

Soup, I lol'd at your story about clumsiness. I actually sympathize with that because now that I'm pregnant, I am big and clumsy and bumping into everything. I feel like a big, dumb cannonball lately. I thought that maybe my bf would be relieved to know that it's not just him, but I think his likely reaction would be "Oh great, so I guess I'm not the only one who's f___ed!"

Total-Recoil, I appreciate you telling me about your rages. My boyfriend's rages are always over very insignificant things too and it's hard to predict because as a NT they are not things that I would get upset over. What's crazy to me is when he doesn't get that upset over things that I think he should be that upset over, like our friend who borrowed $300 from him and never paid it back. Also his tantrums are not internal, so when they happen, I still struggle with how to deal with him when he's like that. I used to yell at him and tell him he was being a complete a-hole... in hindsight, probably not the best thing to do. Now I've learned to stay out of his way and let it blow over, but sometimes his need for me to understand why he's so upset prevents him from letting me leave and my exasperation over the situation can drag things out a little bit. His meltdowns have decreased in frequency over the course of our relationship, so I'm hoping that the more I learn about Aspergers, the more I can help him cope and if they don't get better, I will have no choice but to seek professional help or leave.

Back to Soup's comment "These are the kids who often get mis-labelled as having ADHD. In truth, they're frightened confused nervous wrecks who are too scared to speak out about the chaos at home & lack the 'feelings words' to relate what they're living with to how they feel & then how that becomes behaviour. Please please do not let this be your son." - Both my bf and I were mislabeled as ADHD for two completely different reasons, which contributes to his reluctance to see a mental health professional about anything and makes me want to heavily scrutinize anyone that we ever do go to see should we need to. And I will do my best to make sure that my son does not become one of those nervous wrecks. I won't allow that to happen.