Married before diagnosis..?

[Skye81]

Just wondered who was married (and with or without children) before being diagnosed..? What were the difficulties that you found?

 

[Dryope]

I have been married for over ten years and just got diagnosed.

My husband says it's not Asperger's, it's a personality. And he loves my personality.

Awww.

But seriously -- I am not emotionally available when he wants me to be. I can't control when I am, either. And he perceives a lot of what I say as critical, when I don't mean to be hurtful. So this is what I do:

-- Immediately respond to any sense I have from him that he feels hurt by something I said by addressing it. I hug him and tell him that I was only talking about the dishes, not criticizing him, and that there is nothing to be upset about. (This can take some persuading, but it's worth it.) He shows he's offended by not saying much, but I've learned to pick up on his signals.

-- I be as affectionate as I can whenever I can. Sometimes this is just being getting him a snack or watching TV with him while leaning up against him. I almost always show affection rather than talking about it, by doing little things for him. Like, I made his favorite tea while he was reading in bed the other night. I try to act on impulses of kindness whenever I have the capacity to. I want him to always be able to remember something recent I've done to show I care.

-- I try to "be present" with him during and after dinner every night. This is tough when I'm focused on something and want to go running off to draw or whatever; and when I am in a near-shutdown state from my very social job. But since we both like watching TV with dinner, it's pretty doable no matter what state I'm in (see above). When things are really bad, I can take a pass because I put in time on the other nights -- and then I go take a bath or lay down in bed with my headphones on (or sit at my drawing table for a few hours).

-- I try to stand up for myself when I have to. This is the hardest. I don't know when I'm right and when I'm misunderstanding or overfeeling. I don't do it often, and I choose when to do it. Usually, though, I just ask: "Are you criticizing me?" (or whatever the situation is) and try to deal with it rationally rather than emotionally. For example, I was feeling withdrawn and worried about my health (I'm sleeping weird and losing way too much weight!) and my husband was teasing me about it. I couldn't handle that, but instead of being sulky -- what I wanted to do -- I just said: "I don't want to be teased right now." And that was fine.

-- Forgive him. Sometimes people are tired. People say things they don't mean (I don't, but whatever). It's tough, but forgiving is important. If you have to talk about it, wait until the emotions die down and then address it in a nonthreatening way.

 

[Suzanne]

Married about 21 years, perhaps, before I first discovered aspergers and married 23 when I confirmed in my mind that I am an aspie and 24 when I am trying to live with that confirmation. Impossible to get a "proper" diagnosis, since I live in France and there are no English speaking therapists around.

A marriage that by all tense and purposes, should have collapsed a long time ago! My husband challenges my aspieness to the fullest degree; in some ways that is beneficial because it makes me not give in, but in other ways, it is intolerable and only when I am at breaking level, do I cave in and scream mentally, stop, can't cope!

My husband is a man who does not need a woman like me in his life; he needs a meek and abiding woman! If I disagree with him, I cannot just say: yes I agree, when I do not! But am learning to keep silent when words do worse and my surprise pretty soon, due to my silence, he acts.

I surprise myself because I am rather a strong woman! Surprise because if anyone witnessed how I live my life, they would say quite the opposite! I am chronically social phobic; I do not earn ( but should because being a housewife is hard work); currently do not drive ( can drive, but need to pass my test). But I challenge my husband ( indirectly) and he does not like that! He does not like me having my own brain. Lol he said recently that if only I had had a good education, I would be formidable! I got to thinking about that and thought: doesn't that make me formidable because I have not had a good education and yet, can hold my own in deep conversations and in fact, prefer deep conversations? I shall not say this to him, for he will argue.

Yes, it is very hard being an aspie with an extremely self orientated husband.

 

[Adora]

I got married in 2012 before I discovered I was on the spectrum, I just found out last year by my psychologist that I'm on the spectrum,which wasn't a big surprise since I have a older brother with classic autism and also my husband recently said he kind of always knew even when he met me.

 

[Progster]

I think the main problem is that I'm not good at showing affection or rather, I don't show it in the conventional manner. I show it in a practical way, rather than a physical way. Also, I isolate myself a lot, both physically and emotionally. Actually, neither of us are very good at showing emotions - we often have deep discussions about things, just not about emotional matters. He rarely expresses any emotion, except amusement and anger. I never really liked sex either, it's never been an important part of the realtionship and I always did it to satisfy his needs, not my own. For me it was always about having a partner to satisfy a need to have an intellectual, intelligent companion, to share experiences with, rather than to satisfy an emotional need, and I think that for him it was the same.

 

[Stevie1903]

We will be married 21 years this September and have two kids. My wife was married before and has two grown up kids that I helped raise from a young age. I was diagnosed with AS approx 18 months ago.

It has opened our eyes to the issues we have encountered over the years. Unfortunately my moods seem to be getting worse over time and I'm having trouble addressing things and making an effort to improve things between us. My wife is fantastic and I don't tell her often enough. Last week I sent her flowers for I think the 4th time in 20 odd years. It was to say sorry for something that I said last week and the chance to tell her I do love her! I'm not particularly affectionate. I was in the early years but not now. I find if rather awkward and my mind is usually on other things.

She has grasped the diagnosis by the scruff of the neck and has joined a support group and has done much reading. I also think she is enrolling herself onto a one day seminar next month.

Communication is the big problem between us but I'm extremely fortunate.