Lost Girl

[theminx]

I've learned recently why I'm not built like other girls.

My brain works differently than most people's. I'm an AspieGirl. A Lost Girl. One of those girls born before 1980 who fell between the cracks.

I'm a neuroAtypical. [emoji12]

I've been given this diagnosis in the past, but I've always denied it, argued with my psychiatrist that this just wasn't the case.

Ah... Denial. Almost as blissful as sweet ignorance.

I'm told aspergers manifests itself slightly different in girls, because social interactions are so much more integral to our survival, we learn to cope much better, and at an earlier age, than our male counterparts born around the same time.

I've always felt...odd. Since I was a little girl. I used to tell my parents I was a halfling/changeling child left behind by the fae or some alien race. I felt people (especially women) sometimes spoke a secret language I didn't (and still don't) understand. The women in my family were extra scary for me to contend with. They've always treated me like...I just didn't belong. My mere presence seemed (and continues) to make them uncomfortable.

My sister and brother would snuggle with my mom, but I always wanted to sit by myself, separate, as I didn't like to be touched.

I don't seem to have that intuitive thing most women, neurotypical (NT) women seem to have. The nuances of conversation have always baffled me, which used to frustrate me when I was young, but I've learned to compensate for my impairments by formulating numerous scripts, as well as honing my perceptive skills, which are based on my evaluation of a person's behavior, their actions as opposed to the words they use to describe themselves, by recognizing gaps or discrepancies within the patterns of a person's conduct and demeanor.

I'll always tell it to people straight. No prevarication. No mincing words.

I do understand it doesn't work the same in reverse.

My outlook definitely makes it difficult for me to make and maintain friends, especially of the female variety, though sometimes males are willing to tolerate my idiosyncratic behavior long enough to form tentative friendships.

I've learned the hard way; women are much less forgiving.

I have a strong mind. My intelligence often seems to intimidate people. I don't really understand this. People always think they can handle me initially. But when they begin to understand I don't play by the same rules they're accustomed to...the tide seems to change.

They get frustrated. And give up.

Or they frustrate me due their inability to understand me even on the simplest, most fundamental and basic level...so, I begin to avoid them, as they begin to stress me out.

I am emotional, but not for the same reason most people are. I definitely get excited about ideas. But I aspire to logic. Emotions are messy. So, they definitely have their place. I do understand this. But more often than not, the emotions I experience seem counterproductive to my endeavors, so though I force myself to process and face them, I don't necessarily see their value, especially when they skew my perception and ability to think clearly.

People, as a whole definitely fascinate me. I think I've gotten better at reading them and understanding them as I get older, but they still for the most part remain a mystery to me.

I often see things most people don't. But this also means I often don't see what is obvious to most everyone else.

I'm learning this is likely due to the fact my brain processes information in what is likely a vastly different way.

There are clusters of information in the back of my brain. These clusters are formed from images, words (usually in the form of quotes from films, dialogue from my own personal memories, and passages from books I've read), and what I can only explain as symbolic variables.

My brain is constantly sifting thru these clusters, forming and reforming them as new and unknown variables are added or detracted. Pulling data dots together to form patterns, equations and puzzles, seeking to logically order the maze of information fluctuating inside my head.

Sometimes the information gets tangled together, knotted...confused. It feels like a sticky mess of gobby cobwebs, skewing my inner and outward perception...

...confusing me.

Especially when the external world feels like its overloading my brain.

I sometimes need to hide in the bathroom. Remove all my clothing. And just stand there, rubbing and wringing my hands, trying to convince myself it will all be okay.

Sometimes I wear my headphones in social situations to block the world out, by closing my eyes, and allowing the music to sooth and untangle the turmoil building within.

This is why sometimes I need to view my interactions with people as a game. Not to be won. But to be viewed logically, with a tangible set of rules my brain can more easily sift thru, order and solve.

This is also why I tell people I see life itself as an ever evolving equation with no fixed answer or solution, as it is in a constant state of flux.

I see it all woven together. I see fluctuating patterns. Notice trends. Discrepancies. And observe data gaps...within the data dots.

If I close my eyes...if I quiet my conscious mind, I can see this taking place in the back of my mind of its own volition, divorced from intentional cognition. Where my conscious thoughts dissipate, the universe inside my mind's eye becomes achingly crystal clear. Sometimes pulling me towards one set of data points or another, focusing, magnifying the information within.

These innerscapes are what I draw from when I paint.

When I paint, it is as though snippets of this inner world are being transferred directly onto the canvas.

Which is why painting feels like such a cathartic based release to me, even more calming than music.

I don't know if that resonates with anyone else.

 

[Judge]

Welcome to AC. You should fit in quite nicely here.

 

[Cali Cat]

Greetings!

Yes, much of what you describe resonates with me. Especially about females being less forgiving. I've always made all but the most daring NT women very nervous for some reason. The only women I really get along with are other women who think like I do, which are few and far between.

I must comment that your writing is excellent. I'm impressed by your ability to weave words so well into a compelling story line. I found your narrative very interesting, and I like your use of white space, as bulky blocks of text are so tedious.

 

[theminx]

Greetings!

Yes, much of what you describe resonates with me. Especially about females being less forgiving. I've always made all but the most daring NT women very nervous for some reason. The only women I really get along with are other women who think like I do, which are few and far between.

I must comment that your writing is excellent. I'm impressed by your ability to weave words so well into a compelling story line. I found your narrative very interesting, and I like your use of white space, as bulky blocks of text are so tedious.

Greetings and Salutations!

Yes. It is similar for me.

I think my problem is women always think I mean or intend things I didn't say. I try to be as clear and concise as possible, yet my words are constantly being misconstrued. It is infinitely frustrating.

If I try to explain myself using what is perceived as too many words, then they seem to think it means something. Or...so I've been told. So, then I try to edit or truncate myself, and these same women will tell me I'm being too abrupt, distant.

I'm also told I sit wrong. My body language gives off all the wrong messages.

It keeps me in a constant state of hypervigilance when I'm in a social setting, to the point I often lose all my words and will just stare at the person, unsure what I'm supposed to say.

Thank you...for the compliment in regards to my writing. I have learned I communicate best via electronic text of any sort, as it gives me more time to chose my wording wisely...and my tone is less likely to misconstrued due to unintended body language issues.

I'm very glad to meet you, Lady! Thank you for responding. [emoji5]

 

[Cali Cat]

Greetings and Salutations!

Yes. It is similar for me.

I'm also told I sit wrong. My body language gives off all the wrong messages.

Ah, yes! I sit improperly for a female as well. Even my last boyfriend commented that my sitting posture came across as masculine and rather bombastic. He used to call me the female James Dean.

 

[Judge]

Ah, yes! I sit improperly for a female as well. Even my last boyfriend commented that my sitting posture came across as masculine and rather bombastic. He used to call me the female James Dean.

I actually had to look that up for some perspective! Had no idea James Dean was a model for body language.

Then again I don't recall any rulebook pertinent to body language either. If it works, why not?

http://www.brazen.com/blog/archive/...es-you-can-learn-from-a-legendary-dead-actor/

 

[Cali Cat]

I actually had to look that up for some perspective! Had no idea James Dean was a model for body language.

Then again I don't recall any rulebook pertinent to body language either. If it works, why not?

http://www.brazen.com/blog/archive/...es-you-can-learn-from-a-legendary-dead-actor/

LMAO !!! That is funny! Who would've guessed it?

 

[Judge]

LMAO !!! That is funny! Who would've guessed it?

LOL...not me. But then body language, like facial recognition isn't my strong suit. Not my worst one either...

But I find that charming for you to appear confident like that. It is cool. BE James Dean if it suits you.

Break those rules....now that IS James Dean!

 

[theminx]

I very much agree on all you've all have said. I've learned that since I've owned my oddness, people are less apt to comment on it. Often cuz when I stop apologizing for it, they seem to be intimidated by me. Which is not a preference, but I rather be considered intimidating and own my core curly weirdness, then kowtow to expectations that don't make sense to me...and be misunderstood anyway.

Also, Mia, I also agree, but think our potential could be utilized much more efficiently if socializing weren't such an integral part of many jobs.

When I first started out as an analyst, it was all about the data and systems. Finding the trends and gaps and adjusting accordingly. It didn't involve office politics and meetings and red tape to get stuff done.

But it never stays there. The expectation is to be upwardly mobile, and when you resist...your boss takes you to the side and tells you that he expects you to take the lead, meet with people, manage meetings...

And if you tell him you're fine where you are...a lone entity...he tells you that's not how things work.

And when you start hiding in the private bathrooms after meetings cuz you're so freaked out...you need to sometimes strip down so nothing is touching you, you start to worry something is seriously wrong with you.

You begin to spend hours rehearsing what to expect and how to cope in said meetings, yet you still find that sometimes people talk to you...and you've no idea what to say back.

And you begin to wonder if people are able to reconcile your extremely articulate online persona with the mute, occasionally speed talking clutterer, often explaining herself too much...or being so abrupt she manages to offend them when they meet her in person.

And you're so exhausted when you get home, sometimes you'd pass out almost immediately, without any food, then wake in the middle of the night all discombobulated, you're then unable to get back to sleep. So...you stay up preparing for a repeat performance.

They think you have bipolar initially. You keep getting put on short-term disability by HR when you start melting down during meetings.

Then one day...they "strongly suggest" you take a long-term leave until you're stable.

Only then are you properly diagnosed. But now you're so scared to return to work...you feel you're in a state of paralysis.

Blah...

Does that resonate with anyone?

 

[theminx]

*girly self...not curly.

Hahahahq! Autocorrect! You gotta love it.

 

[Judge]

When I first started out as an analyst, it was all about the data and systems. Finding the trends and gaps and adjusting accordingly. It didn't involve office politics and meetings and red tape to get stuff done.

But it never stays there. The expectation is to be upwardly mobile, and when you resist...your boss takes you to the side and tells you that he expects you to take the lead, meet with people, manage meetings...

And if you tell him you're fine where you are...a lone entity...he tells you that's not how things work.

And when you start hiding in the private bathrooms after meetings cuz you're so freaked out...you need to sometimes strip down so nothing is touching you, you start to worry something is seriously wrong with you.

Those are dynamics I struggled with for years as an insurance underwriter. Mostly because the legal and consumer environment evolved, forcing my job from an enforcer of underwriting policy into a marketing representative. Something I knew I was never cut out for, long before I ever considered myself on the spectrum of autism.

The more people-oriented the job became, the worse it got for me. On the job for nearly two decades and I would go to work practically on a cold sweat. Just sad that it would be another 15 years before I truly began to understand why.

 

[qwerty]

I've learned recently why I'm not built like other girls.

My brain works differently than most people's. I'm an AspieGirl. A Lost Girl. One of those girls born before 1980 who fell between the cracks.

I'm a neuroAtypical. [emoji12]

I've been given this diagnosis in the past, but I've always denied it, argued with my psychiatrist that this just wasn't the case.

Ah... Denial. Almost as blissful as sweet ignorance.

I'm told aspergers manifests itself slightly different in girls, because social interactions are so much more integral to our survival, we learn to cope much better, and at an earlier age, than our male counterparts born around the same time.

I've always felt...odd. Since I was a little girl. I used to tell my parents I was a halfling/changeling child left behind by the fae or some alien race. I felt people (especially women) sometimes spoke a secret language I didn't (and still don't) understand. The women in my family were extra scary for me to contend with. They've always treated me like...I just didn't belong. My mere presence seemed (and continues) to make them uncomfortable.

My sister and brother would snuggle with my mom, but I always wanted to sit by myself, separate, as I didn't like to be touched.

I don't seem to have that intuitive thing most women, neurotypical (NT) women seem to have. The nuances of conversation have always baffled me, which used to frustrate me when I was young, but I've learned to compensate for my impairments by formulating numerous scripts, as well as honing my perceptive skills, which are based on my evaluation of a person's behavior, their actions as opposed to the words they use to describe themselves, by recognizing gaps or discrepancies within the patterns of a person's conduct and demeanor.

I'll always tell it to people straight. No prevarication. No mincing words.

I do understand it doesn't work the same in reverse.

My outlook definitely makes it difficult for me to make and maintain friends, especially of the female variety, though sometimes males are willing to tolerate my idiosyncratic behavior long enough to form tentative friendships.

I've learned the hard way; women are much less forgiving.

I have a strong mind. My intelligence often seems to intimidate people. I don't really understand this. People always think they can handle me initially. But when they begin to understand I don't play by the same rules they're accustomed to...the tide seems to change.

They get frustrated. And give up.

Or they frustrate me due their inability to understand me even on the simplest, most fundamental and basic level...so, I begin to avoid them, as they begin to stress me out.

I am emotional, but not for the same reason most people are. I definitely get excited about ideas. But I aspire to logic. Emotions are messy. So, they definitely have their place. I do understand this. But more often than not, the emotions I experience seem counterproductive to my endeavors, so though I force myself to process and face them, I don't necessarily see their value, especially when they skew my perception and ability to think clearly.

People, as a whole definitely fascinate me. I think I've gotten better at reading them and understanding them as I get older, but they still for the most part remain a mystery to me.

I often see things most people don't. But this also means I often don't see what is obvious to most everyone else.

I'm learning this is likely due to the fact my brain processes information in what is likely a vastly different way.

There are clusters of information in the back of my brain. These clusters are formed from images, words (usually in the form of quotes from films, dialogue from my own personal memories, and passages from books I've read), and what I can only explain as symbolic variables.

My brain is constantly sifting thru these clusters, forming and reforming them as new and unknown variables are added or detracted. Pulling data dots together to form patterns, equations and puzzles, seeking to logically order the maze of information fluctuating inside my head.

Sometimes the information gets tangled together, knotted...confused. It feels like a sticky mess of gobby cobwebs, skewing my inner and outward perception...

...confusing me.

Especially when the external world feels like its overloading my brain.

I sometimes need to hide in the bathroom. Remove all my clothing. And just stand there, rubbing and wringing my hands, trying to convince myself it will all be okay.

Sometimes I wear my headphones in social situations to block the world out, by closing my eyes, and allowing the music to sooth and untangle the turmoil building within.

This is why sometimes I need to view my interactions with people as a game. Not to be won. But to be viewed logically, with a tangible set of rules my brain can more easily sift thru, order and solve.

This is also why I tell people I see life itself as an ever evolving equation with no fixed answer or solution, as it is in a constant state of flux.

I see it all woven together. I see fluctuating patterns. Notice trends. Discrepancies. And observe data gaps...within the data dots.

If I close my eyes...if I quiet my conscious mind, I can see this taking place in the back of my mind of its own volition, divorced from intentional cognition. Where my conscious thoughts dissipate, the universe inside my mind's eye becomes achingly crystal clear. Sometimes pulling me towards one set of data points or another, focusing, magnifying the information within.

These innerscapes are what I draw from when I paint.

When I paint, it is as though snippets of this inner world are being transferred directly onto the canvas.

Which is why painting feels like such a cathartic based release to me, even more calming than music.

I don't know if that resonates with anyone else.

OMG
i don't think i have ever related to anything more.
no one has ever come as close to describing a way
of being so similar to my own.

i have never met anyone before who experiences the
flux of existence in the way i do. i have read books
written by people who think a lot like me, but never met
anyone.

i used to think i was swapped by the fae as a baby when i
was younger too.

i slipped through the cracks in the 80's and went through a series
of misdiagnoses non of which ever really fit me until i finally got diagnosed
with asperger's and by that stage i was used to people slapping a label on me
so i was sceptical at first, but then i started to see just how much my life mirrored
the diagnosis and then found this den of similar oddballs, which was one of the
best finds eva

welcome

i have never heard my inner experience started by another person before.
please feel free to message me anytime

 

[Datura]

Welcome.

I can't say I relate with all of your points, but you state them so eloquently that I feel as though I have shared your mind.

Your burnout experience resonates quite clearly with me, as I experienced a major burnout about a year ago. My supervisor began to notice I was much more destractable and unable to shift focus when needed. My executive functioning and time management also became terrible, which is ironic as I was supposed to be helping people with executive functioning issues. Eventually I just woke up one day and couldn't function. I was locked in a pattern of strange repettitive movements and could not cope with the stimuli of the outside world. I made something of a recovery, but was only back at work for a few days before they decided they would not have me back unless my doctor signed a letter saying I was capable of doing my job. He didn't sign the letter.

I also have a simmilar habit of striping in times of stress, except that I always take a shower when doing so. During one of my breakdowns in my early 20s I would shower three or more times a day, just standing under the watter untill it got cold, swaying back and fourth.

Having now written it I realize that even in the ways we are "the same" we are different, but there are simmilarities, I think.

 

[theminx]

Those are dynamics I struggled with for years as an insurance underwriter. Mostly because the legal and consumer environment evolved, forcing my job from an enforcer of underwriting policy into a marketing representative. Something I knew I was never cut out for, long before I ever considered myself on the spectrum of autism.

The more people-oriented the job became, the worse it got for me. On the job for nearly two decades and I would go to work practically on a cold sweat. Just sad that it would be another 15 years before I truly began to understand why.

I sometimes wonder if it would've played out differently if I better understood why I struggled so much with the people factor, even if it just meant I had a "feasible" reason to push back when the expectation was to be more "socially" engaged as a work requirement.

 

[theminx]

OMG
i don't think i have ever related to anything more.
no one has ever come as close to describing a way
of being so similar to my own.

i have never met anyone before who experiences the
flux of existence in the way i do. i have read books
written by people who think a lot like me, but never met
anyone.

i used to think i was swapped by the fae as a baby when i
was younger too.

i slipped through the cracks in the 80's and went through a series
of misdiagnoses non of which ever really fit me until i finally got diagnosed
with asperger's and by that stage i was used to people slapping a label on me
so i was sceptical at first, but then i started to see just how much my life mirrored
the diagnosis and then found this den of similar oddballs, which was one of the
best finds eva

welcome

i have never heard my inner experience started by another person before.
please feel free to message me anytime

You thought you were fae? Did you ever think that maybe your purpose was to observe humans and that someday the fae would return to take you home and ask you what it was like to live among humans?

I swear I thought that had to be it for many years. When my mom would tell me something I did was not very lady-like, such as wanting to own a sword, I'd confidently tell her that was because I wasn't really a girl. At least, not a human girl.

My father would tease me and tell me I had antenna until they removed them to make me look "normal".

I was diagnosed with bipolar for the longest time, mostly due to cluttered speech which resembles the pressured speech of mania. Top that with my obsessions causing me to sometimes hyperfocus, sometimes with very little sleep...and I understand why there was so much confusion. 

They tried to add ADHD and borderline personality at different points, but I resisted. I understood the ADHD, but thought felt I was either manic or ADHD, but it didn't make sense to be both.

The BPD diagnosis popped up on occasion, but was then subsequently squashed for various reasons.

It once stemmed from a time when I told one of my earliest psych doctors about my fae theory, which in retrospect was extremely foolish of me. I remember telling him I thought I was probably a tree nypmh or earth based elemental, as I was a little monkey and liked to climb trees and just sit up there and read or just observe my surroundings, as it made me feel connected and balanced.

But all he seemed to hear from that little confession was the term "nypmh", which he assumed was short for nymphomaniac.  

So, yeah, I completely get how the misdiagnoses begin to drive you bonkers.

Definitely. If you'd like to chat more, I'd like that. [emoji2]

 

[theminx]

Welcome.

I can't say I relate with all of your points, but you state them so eloquently that I feel as though I have shared your mind.

Your burnout experience resonates quite clearly with me, as I experienced a major burnout about a year ago. My supervisor began to notice I was much more destractable and unable to shift focus when needed. My executive functioning and time management also became terrible, which is ironic as I was supposed to be helping people with executive functioning issues. Eventually I just woke up one day and couldn't function. I was locked in a pattern of strange repettitive movements and could not cope with the stimuli of the outside world. I made something of a recovery, but was only back at work for a few days before they decided they would not have me back unless my doctor signed a letter saying I was capable of doing my job. He didn't sign the letter.

I also have a simmilar habit of striping in times of stress, except that I always take a shower when doing so. During one of my breakdowns in my early 20s I would shower three or more times a day, just standing under the watter untill it got cold, swaying back and fourth.

Having now written it I realize that even in the ways we are "the same" we are different, but there are simmilarities, I think.

Yes. It is fascinating, the similarities...and how they diverge.

I couldn't shower when I was at work or at a social function, but it's interesting that you say that, cuz I do wash my face. I also have to wash my face often when I'm out, as it starts to feel disgusting, like the cosmetics feel weird against my skin, so need it to feel clean.

I have to put my hair up as well, cuz even having my hair touch my skin makes me uncomfortable. 

I remember last summer, before I was diagnosed, I met some friends at a pub. When I got there the AC was not working and there was no music playing, which often helps to calm me when I'm overstimulated. 

I couldn't handle the heat and the noise. I was having difficulty following the conversations. I started to meltdown, so made my way to the bathroom 

Washed my face. And stripped down in the stall. But it was a public bathroom and people wanted to use it. So, I had to go back still all ramped up.

I couldn't handle it, so I put my headphones on and closed my eyes, trying to shut the world out and calm down.

One of my friends took me to the side and told me I was being antisocial and rude...and I could join the conversation or leave. 

I left...and brokedown crying as soon as I got in the Uber.

I remember thinking there was something seriously wrong with me...and that I was never going to have a normal life, with normal friendships, if I couldn't get it together and stop doing all this weird sh*t. 

So, I don't know about you, but learning this about myself has...helped me make so much sense of things. It felt like missing pieces of the puzzle began clicking into place.

And as I began looking at my past with this new lens, events in my life began to come into crystal clear focus, like because I'd been looking at things from the wrong angle prior to that, everything was hidden by shadows.

I don't know if that makes any sense. [emoji15] [emoji50] [emoji12]

 

[Judge]

I sometimes wonder if it would've played out differently if I better understood why I struggled so much with the people factor, even if it just meant I had a "feasible" reason to push back when the expectation was to be more "socially" engaged as a work requirement.

Personally in my own case I've come to the conclusion that this is an aspect of being on the spectrum....not to mention my propensity for social anxiety. That it's simply a trait I'm "hard-wired" for. Yet the weird thing was that in concentrating on my job, I became an accomplished corporate trainer...as long as it didn't involve more than two people at a time. But of course that involved a certain amount of scripting as well. Not impromptu conversations with people that marketing functions tend to involve. You may find many of us here with people-intensive jobs get by better by scripting communications as much as we possibly can.

I agonized over this all my life up to my mid-fifties...never really knowing why I acted the way I did. I only knew that "people factor" made me very uncomfortable under many circumstances....and it made life very difficult. Leaving me with the feeling that I simply didn't belong with my own species. And that when I managed to get along, it's mostly because I was just masking my behavior and little else. So that even when I was successful, by the time I got home I'd be physically and mentally exhausted at times. Eventually I quit my insurance job and went back to school to learn web design. Ended up in a totally different environment for the better while it lasted.

At times I still push myself on occasion...just so I don't become totally isolated with people. Of course I find communicating with people online is very far removed from dealing with them in person and in real time. But I'm self-employed now...not having to deal with much of anyone. Keeps me sane...except for the indeterminate income.

 

[Cali Cat]

LOL...not me. But then body language, like facial recognition isn't my strong suit. Not my worst one either...

But I find that charming for you to appear confident like that. It is cool. BE James Dean if it suits you.

Break those rules....now that IS James Dean!

I have no idea how my body language is perceived by others, but my ex thought I seemed "cool." Lol

From what I gather (and have occasionally been told), I appear aloof and somewhat "stuck up." I guess one man's "cool" is another man's (or woman's) "stuck up." Women are the ones who seem to have that problem with me.

Basically, I'm just me. I lean on things and become nearly horizontal when sitting mainly because I'm usually tired. I had no idea it had other implications.

 

[theminx]

I have no idea how my body language is perceived by others, but my ex thought I seemed "cool." Lol

From what I gather (and have occasionally been told), I appear aloof and somewhat "stuck up." I guess one man's "cool" is another man's (or woman's) "stuck up." Women are the ones who seem to have that problem with me.

Basically, I'm just me. I lean on things and become nearly horizontal when sitting mainly because I'm usually tired. I had no idea it had other implications.

I have the same issue, especially with women. I don't know how my body language is perceived either. No matter how many different angles I view a "perceived in-person (or in-the-flesh) transgression", I can't seem to "see" what it is they see. Sometimes I think about videoing these interactions. But I've found "the wonder that is text" is able to give me insight into the crux of my "perceived faux pases".

Case in point:

I text a female friend (remember, I'm not diagnosed when I sent these texts): 
These were taken in 2004 (x rays of my moderate scoliosis). Fascinating, right? Sometimes I think this is where [all my issues] stems from...my mental health issues...all my body problems, from being so outta balance.

I don't hear back from her. Which is a common theme recently, especially with her. But remember the fact I don't know I'm an Aspie at this juncture.

So I write another text: 
I'm most curious as to what it is about me that...freaks you out. We used to be such good friends in college. What has changed so drastically that you seem almost...repelled by me. Well, repelled is a strong word, but there's definitely a sense I make you uncomfortable for Some reason.

She responds: 
I wouldn't be texting you back if you repelled me

I respond: 
Perhaps resistant is a better word. Hesitant. Uncertain. Wary. Unsure. Etc. [emoji6]

She doesn't reply for several hours and I get paranoid and jump to a conclusion.

I text: I understand. No worries. You feel uncomfortable telling me. I'll leave you alone. We shouldn't be friends if you don't feel comfortable telling me how you feel. I feel the same about certain people. They stress me out. I don't want to be that person for you, so...then let's just end our friendship here. Not cuz I'm upset, but because it is the healthiest course of actions for you and your well being.

She responds: 
Brenda, I'm at work, you aren't giving me a chance to respond. I'm not uncomfortable talking about it, I just don't know what to say when you send me a text with a lot of information about your health when we haven't really spoken much. You don't ask how I am or what I've been up to or even tell me how you're doing or what you've been up to, you just send me a random text about your spine without any lead in.

I respond: 
Apologies. I figure if you want to tell me what's going on in your life, then you'll tell me. Just like I tell you without you asking. Why must I ask? Why don't you just tell me? This, admittedly, confuses me. As you've not asked how I'm doing either, which is fine by me...cuz I'll just tell you...and you'll respond in kind. Plus, I hate when people ask me questions. I tend to deflect and avoid, and bring up other things. I want to tell you about my life when I'm ready to tell you...not because I feel like I'm being interrogated by questions. Perhaps this is why our friendship has such difficulties. We communicate very differently.

She doesn't reply.

I text: I guess I've always been of the mindset: if you're always waiting for someone to ask...then you might never get a chance to tell. So, just say what it is you want to. If it resonates, then people will respond in kind. If not, then they're not worth your time. Again, just different ways of communicating.

She doesn't reply. 

So, I text: Let's start over. Please accept my apologies. It wasn't my intent to offend you. I wrote you cuz I do want to know how you're doing. But I'm not very good with...pleasantries. Most of my friends are nerdy men, so...this is not typically an issue for me, as they all communicate the same way I do. How are you? Are you enjoying the weather? Any upcoming plans?

She replies: 
I'm good, yes I just got back from st croix and started work last week. What have you been up to?

I respond: 
That sounds fun. But it's moments like this when I realize...you're gonna think everything I tell you is weird...but I'll tell you if you want to know. Also, I'm glad you had fun on your vaca. And I hope everything goes well for you at work.

I don't hear back from her, so text:
Do you think there's two kinds of artists? The technical artist...who is about reflecting life like a mirror, so the art is perfect...and controlled, but without depth? Then the intuitive artist, who is all about surrendering to the internal, so their art bares their soul, leaves them vulnerable, as their art is mirrors their own personal...inner worlds, so...are exceedingly deep, but often chaotic and an acquired taste?

She doesn't respond back.
So...and I've still not heard from her.

Another conversation I had with a male friend...

Said male friend texted me: 
Enjoying the day?

My response: 
It makes more sense to start a conversation by telling me something interesting about yourself than to ask me stupid questions. I don't know why people do that. It is infinitely frustrating. You are very silly in this manner. Why does it matter whether I'm enjoying the day? I enjoy every day. The communication of my enjoyment serves no true function, unless you wish to add to its enjoyment, which you likely do not.

Male friend responds: 
Guess your back is feeling better. Did you write today?

My response: 
That is not something interesting about yourself. I will share information about my life when I want to. Not when you prompt me to do so. I said it makes the most sense to start a conversation by telling me something interesting about you. Or asking an interesting question...like: Do you think it's possible that evolution can occur in response to sudden changes and shifts in a species' environment and not just the slow progressions that Darwin posits?
Then:
You never ask interesting questions. You only ask tedious and boring questions. Why?

Male friend's response: 
Cause tedious and boring is interesting to me.

My response: 
It isn't interesting to me. So, we're at an impasse.

Male friend's response: 
Someone is sassy today.

But I wasn't trying to be sassy. I was trying to communicate the fact it's so frustrating we're (even though I didn't understand who "we" referred to at the time) constantly being asked to adapt and modify ourselves to conform to everyone else, but it seems no one even tries to modify themselves to better communicate with us.

 

[Cali Cat]

I very much agree on all you've all have said. I've learned that since I've owned my oddness, people are less apt to comment on it. Often cuz when I stop apologizing for it, they seem to be intimidated by me. Which is not a preference, but I rather be considered intimidating and own my core curly weirdness, then kowtow to expectations that don't make sense to me...and be misunderstood anyway.

Also, Mia, I also agree, but think our potential could be utilized much more efficiently if socializing weren't such an integral part of many jobs.

When I first started out as an analyst, it was all about the data and systems. Finding the trends and gaps and adjusting accordingly. It didn't involve office politics and meetings and red tape to get stuff done.

But it never stays there. The expectation is to be upwardly mobile, and when you resist...your boss takes you to the side and tells you that he expects you to take the lead, meet with people, manage meetings...

And if you tell him you're fine where you are...a lone entity...he tells you that's not how things work.

And when you start hiding in the private bathrooms after meetings cuz you're so freaked out...you need to sometimes strip down so nothing is touching you, you start to worry something is seriously wrong with you.

You begin to spend hours rehearsing what to expect and how to cope in said meetings, yet you still find that sometimes people talk to you...and you've no idea what to say back.

And you begin to wonder if people are able to reconcile your extremely articulate online persona with the mute, occasionally speed talking clutterer, often explaining herself too much...or being so abrupt she manages to offend them when they meet her in person.

And you're so exhausted when you get home, sometimes you'd pass out almost immediately, without any food, then wake in the middle of the night all discombobulated, you're then unable to get back to sleep. So...you stay up preparing for a repeat performance.

They think you have bipolar initially. You keep getting put on short-term disability by HR when you start melting down during meetings.

Then one day...they "strongly suggest" you take a long-term leave until you're stable.

Only then are you properly diagnosed. But now you're so scared to return to work...you feel you're in a state of paralysis.

Blah...

Does that resonate with anyone?

Oh, yeah. I relate to all of that. I agree, also, that our potential could be better used if social interaction were not such a large part of most positions. I keep thinking of television characters you see in shows where some geeky guy is sitting alone in a batcave-like structure turning out all this brilliant information, but never having to interact with others like the lead characters. Where's that job? Only in the movies I guess.

I like being the power behind the throne. I don't want to be King Arthur. I want to be Merlin. But, like you say, if you find a situation like that, invariably the time will come when they want to "move you up," and that always means social interaction. It's like trying to make a cat behave like a dog. The cat does a great job being a cat, but makes a lousy dog.