Lost and Confused

[grommet]

Rocco's paintings make me feel calm and safe, even hopeful. I like them very much.

 

[Nathan Jones]

oh my oh my, I just woke up to all these wonderful replies and wow I'm crying in streams... I'll reply a little later thank you everyone

 

[Nathan Jones]

I write... but I need to calm down more from all the emotions before I can gather myself to stim properly ( terminology?)

 

[Nathan Jones]

Welcome aboard.
I can identify with what you are experiencing.
There are many ways to try to alleviate anxiety and stressful symptoms.
.....writing
View attachment 17389

Thanks Rocco

Here's a passage your painting reminded me of:

"Liquid finished winding his projector, slotted his CroMag Nor’wester clockwork brain into its base, and balanced the lantern shaped device on his bed. After plugging in a sludge line he flicked the flint and the projector’s frosted glass ball hummed and glowed, increasing in brightness until it bleached the room with eye-squinting light. When it faded, endless trust-green meadows replaced Liquid’s room.

Little fluffy clouds speckled an amazement-blue sky, the faint mechanical buzz of insects floated on the air. A sun with no warmth shone over a single, free-standing doorway. Liquid turned to face me with a wide, self-satisfied grin. A light-wire trailed from behind an ear, furious-red lights blinked deep in the gutters of his glass eyes."

Best, N

 

[Nathan Jones]

Hi Nathan I hope this can help you I only recently found out myself it was psychologist that pointed it out I'm on a similar journey to yours trying figure things out.

Hi Adora

Thanks for contacting, I'd love to talk to you about your experiences and I'm happy to share anything. I'm doing better today. Right now I want to walk the streets screaming "Oh My God I See Myself For The First Time!!!"

Bugger me - you know what? I really am a nice, loving, honest, trusting guy, I've just never understood myself or learnt how to communicate clearly and openly. It's so hard to believe right now, but I think it might actually be true.

N.

 

[Nathan Jones]

Welcome to AC, Nathan. Yeah, many of us have been in that place you're in. I stumbled onto all of it in my mid 50s...so I know what a shock it can be to discover you aren't alone and never were. Yet with nearly every social encounter you're left going through life feeling like an alien who just didn't belong.

Self-awareness is where it all begins, no matter what age you are presently. Don't be surprised to find you have a lot in common with us. We can be diverse in any number of ways, yet there are traits and behaviors that so many of us share as well.

Hey Judge

Thanks for reaching out. I can imagine the confusion you may have gone through without understanding or dx.

It remains disconcerting at the moment. No one has ever understood me then suddenly I've found this... idk?... "underclass", "secret society", "league of extraordinary gentle-people"?

I know you won't "judge" me. I know you will understand me.

Flapping backwards and forwards between excitement and bitter resentment still, but right now, I have no embarrassment in saying I wish I could just reach out and hug all you guys. I'm sure I'll settle down and get a grip, but right now, I feel like I've found my family. Brothers and sisters. Very, very, very, very odd.

N.

 

[Adora]

Hi Adora

Thanks for contacting, I'd love to talk to you about your experiences and I'm happy to share anything. I'm doing better today. Right now I want to walk the streets screaming "Oh My God I See Myself For The First Time!!!"

Bugger me - you know what? I really am a nice, loving, honest, trusting guy, I've just never understood myself or learnt how to communicate clearly and openly. It's so hard to believe right now, but I think it might actually be true.

N.

I'm glad your feeling better now i look forward to talking to you soon

 

[Nathan Jones]

Welcome Nathan Jones. I see Rocco has given one of his beautiful paintings above. Gazing at it makes me feel calm and safer, I hope it does for you as well.

Hi Kestrel

I'm not sure about safer, but certainly the calming effect.

I had a go at painting and really enjoyed it, but writing is my thing. Well, that's a lie, writing is simply the creative process necessary so that I have something to edit, re-edit and re-edit. That's what I love.

(attached the photo of my one and only painting, copied/inspired from the titles from "Fringe")

If you know of any amateur writers I will proofread for free if I have time as I enjoy it immensely. I have mentions/thanks in two published novels. My grammar, diction and appreciation of English is a major pleasure in my life.

Thanks for reaching out

N.

 

[Nathan Jones]

I started painting as therapy in one of the most painful times of my life. It has helped me to overcome so much. I hope everyone can find something similar.

If it gives you as much pleasure as editing gives me, you are very lucky. Equally, I hope everyone finds their thing. I really do. I always have.

Man, are all Aspie's so "hippy"? Or am I getting the wrong impression?

N.

 

[Nathan Jones]

Hello Nathan

You are enormously brave to go through with this!

I went to the dr for something else and in the end, ended up saying I have aspergers but she asked if I was professionally diagnosed and I could not lie and then she said that she really didn't think I was, due to seeing classic autistic patients. But she has not gone forward and so, I am relieved from that stress!

I won't get professionally diagnosed because I can not deal with they prying into my childhood.

Do you have to go forward for a professional diagnoses?

Hi Suzanne

I don't feel very brave but thank you.

First, I think you're right. I think the hard work is done... well, is in process. The "professional" diagnosis, I could understand, I guess, might not be important or relevant for some. This is the third time I've been "successful" in an information management career, however, and I am about to throw it all away... again! Grrr.

Same thing as before... I'm very good at the work, so the assumption is made that I should be rewarded and promoted. I've always been urged up the career ladder by supervisors or bosses. But, of course, as you progress there is less actual "work" and more meetings. More people, more interaction.

That, obviously, is when I begin spiralling down. I need a diagnosis so that my employers understand how to use me to their advantage, how to help me survive planet neuro-typical, stop suffering, and realise that we are not all motivated by career advancement.

I am, honestly, one of the least judgemental most accepting people you might ever meet. If you don't believe me now (hell, why should you?) you will eventually. I have been to some very very dark places and I've done some terrible, terrible things. I am happy to share privately or publicly, and I'm just as happy to keep schtum and listen.. if ever you feel you need to talk I won't have any solutions for you but I will never judge you, either.

N.

 

[Nathan Jones]

Welcome, Nathan. Please feel warmly embraced here at AC. You are very much appreciated here. We remember the feelings of just being so blown away with this initial realization. The pain you feel now is truly deep, though it is temporary. We are all here to support you, to companion you through your present challenges, and then to delight along with you on your upcoming discovery process.

Humans naturally seek balance, and yours will be restored. Even if you have never felt "quite right," you will soon come to see that here you are surrounded by kind, smart, silly, insightful, gifted people, just like yourself. The dark valley you travel through now will not stop you from emerging into the sunshine of autistic appreciation of your amazing gifts, to love your autistic self.

You can begin with an ASD specialist for a therapist. Feeling understood will feel wondrous. Don't be surprised if your therapist (if an ASD specialist) encourages you to truly be yourself-- for the first time in your life.

Please remember to be extra good to yourself right now. Remember to breathe.

We share our strength with you now. (((((Hugs))))))

Hey You

Wow, thanks. So much. Really, so much.

If I were more of a spiritual person, I would tell you to close your eyes for a second and I promise, you will feel my energy reaching out to hug you.

I had this tattoo done when I was 20yrs old for two reasons:

1) I perceived that there are always two sides two everything, seeking, as you say "balance"
2) I perceived that life is circular, it isn't about advancement, it's about pattern, repetition, entrenchment, realisation, strength and love

N.

 

[Nathan Jones]

I'm glad your feeling better now i look forward to talking to you soon

I was about to correct you, but, perhaps I am over the worst. Time will tell.

I just posted this publicly on Facebook:

"Natalie Procter Chigozie, I'm not sure I've ever told you before, but I love you. I may have said it in the past, but if I did, I didn't really mean it because I didn't really understand what the words meant. And to be honest, I wasn't sure if I loved you. I wasn't sure if I even liked you.

Something inside me has changed, though, and bugger me, l do actually love you. I always have; I just never realised, accepted or expressed it.

You won't suddenly hear from me more, I'm not going to lavish you with decent birthday presents, and nothing will change really, except inside me, and inside you, too, if you believe I love you, sister.

Sorry I've been so rubbish, I think I've finally figured out why."

I don't feel embarrassed anymore. Why should I? She's my sister and I love her and I always have. The tears are flowing and it feels good.

N.

 

[KinksFan]

Welcome to Aspies Central

 

[Nathan Jones]

Welcome to Aspies Central

Hi

And thanks. Much more settled now.

But, boy, for a while there, it really got me goin', got me so I din't know what I was doin'. Yeah, it really got me there, got me so I couldn't sleep at night.