Losing Friends

[xubly]

I want to start off by saying that I have major trust issues. The friends that I do tend to keep are usually the ones I feel are like family. I'm stuck with 3 older brothers and no sisters, but I have this friend, Nancy, who is like a real sister to me. We've been best friends for about five years. She's always been very supportive of all my decisions and only wanting me to be happy. Of course, I want the same for her too, but in the past year here, things haven't been the same. I started to notice we were drifting apart. With me, I'm not the type of person to just let someone I care about fade away, so, I mentioned it to her. She honestly didn't seem to care as much. It made me feel sad. I felt like I was the only one trying to keep her as my friend. I asked her if she thought we'd always be friends and she said yes but asked me why. I told her that I thought we could always be friends but it only works if we actually want to be friends with each other. She started to defend herself at this point, saying why would there be a reason to not be friends, and even though things change between us, we'll probably always be friends. I asked her if she thought I changed and she said I changed a lot. I knew what she meant. I noticed I've changed but I felt it was only for the better. She kept going on about how we will still be friends. I didn't believe her though. The way she was saying it to me felt like she was reading it out of a book. It wasn't exactly the answers I was looking for so I let it go for that time being. A few months passed and things seemed the same. In my heart, I felt I was losing her more and more. I tried again and this time I asked her why we were friends. She didn't say much. I felt annoyed with her 'auto-responses', but to be honest, I think anyone would have been annoyed with them too. I told her how I felt she was different and how negative she was about everything. I reminded her that it wasn't who she was and that she didn't have to be angry all the time. I told her exactly how I felt..but as usual, I got nothing except yes and no's. None of which were even clear to me at all. Since then, I've only spoken to her twice. One of the times was when I asked for her opinion on piece of clothing I was planning to get. She just said, "Get it." The last time I spoke to her, I asked her for her opinion on a picture. She just said, "It's nice, I don't know." I instantly felt that cold breath feeling right down my spine. The only way for me to explain this feeling is that I felt her spirit leaving me. I don't think we're friends anymore. My husband said she may have just been a bridge to something better for me. As much as I rather have her friendship..he may be right. I mean, our friendship wasn't always solid. She lives across the country from me. It usually surprises people that we've even managed to be friends for that long despite our differences. She complained a lot about everything. Of course, all girls do though..but, I believe people can choose to be happy instead of being unhappy. And..Nancy isn't the first friend I felt I lost this year. It's been a pretty rough start in my opinion. Now and days, I try to connect myself with family and old friends, but everyone doesn't seem to care about me in the way I thought they did. I don't want to have high expectations from them, but I'm hoping someone would care enough to get close to me besides my husband. My husband is more logical than I am while I'm more emotional than he is. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much and we connect fairly well. I would just like someone else to talk to besides him, that's all. Also, everyone I know live very far from me because I moved here to be with my husband, so, he's the only one I really know here. I'm not really sure how to deal with losing my friends, but my husband has been encouraging me to sing or write again. When I do try, I feel scattered everywhere. It feels like nothing is working for me right now. People I thought made the biggest impact in my life all seem to have left without a trace.

 

[ZeroCharlie]

I completely understand and have been thinking about this for the past few months. It is rare for me to find people I can connect with and have common interests. I have a couple of friends now who I do not want to lose. I try to gauge whether I am smothering them or being too cold, but I have realized I can not really tell, but I do my best. Sometimes when I feel I am doing well, things cool off and when I am certain the friendship is toast, the friend in question blindsides me and the friendship is stronger. I am just clueless at all times I think.. but friendship gives me comfort and happiness so I do not give up.

If your friend shares a common hobby with you that can somehow be shared in some way over the distance you live from her, you can set something up. I do not know many other aspies so I do not know if this is a common trait (or just me), but I would rather be involved with another person through some common activity or making elaborate plans for some kind of activity (even plans that will never happen).

 

[xubly]

I completely understand and have been thinking about this for the past few months. It is rare for me to find people I can connect with and have common interests. I have a couple of friends now who I do not want to lose. I try to gauge whether I am smothering them or being too cold, but I have realized I can not really tell, but I do my best. Sometimes when I feel I am doing well, things cool off and when I am certain the friendship is toast, the friend in question blindsides me and the friendship is stronger. I am just clueless at all times I think.. but friendship gives me comfort and happiness so I do not give up.

If your friend shares a common hobby with you that can somehow be shared in some way over the distance you live from her, you can set something up. I do not know many other aspies so I do not know if this is a common trait (or just me), but I would rather be involved with another person through some common activity or making elaborate plans for some kind of activity (even plans that will never happen).

First off, I want to thank you for responding and to say welcome to the forum!

Friendship for me also brings happiness and gives comfort. However, with my friend (or ex friend now), I figured when I began to change, it may have downsized our friendship. We use to share a lot of common interest, but I found myself moving away from the 'social networks' because of certain standards I had. I left her in that 'materialistic world' and moved on. After doing that, I lost interest in a lot of the same hobbies we both shared. Also, being able to see exactly how she was made it harder for me to talk to her since she was usually angry about family or something. She didn't always use to be this way, but after her relationship ended, she became very distant. We have talked about it and she did apologize for the way she had been acting. I felt that we found some common ground afterwards and it made me feel better for that time being. She was okay after that for several months until not long after her birthday. She became sour and sad. It made it difficult to communicate with her because she began keeping everything bottled. She always told me she wasn't, but I could tell, nothing good ever came out of that for her. Every time we spoke, her tone of voice would sound cold and careless. It didn't matter how many times I brought these things up about how it would affect me along with her. She'd always went back to how she was. Maybe our friendship wasn't as important to her as it was to me. Especially since it's been this long that we haven't even spoken once. We've never gone this long without speaking to each other. I don't plan to contact her or anything either. I feel that since we have nothing to share with each other now and days, that it would only make things harder on us. I don't want either of us to feel forced into what seems like a 'normal' conversation when it honestly isn't. Of course though, I do miss her. I miss both of the friends I seem to have lost. I see that there is nothing more I can do to keep them. All I can do now is keep myself busy until I can somewhat move on from this grief inside me. I don't want to stay depressed, so, I'm trying to find other interests to get into.

I, too, don't know many Aspies. I couldn't say exactly for sure if this is just one of our 'traits', but I can say that I also rather be involved with people who I share a common interest with them at least at some level. I hope you don't feel alone in that anymore

 

[wyverary]

I really, really, REALLY hate to say this, especially given that we are not far apart in age, but in my experience this is a defining feature of one's early 20's. Certainly I have seen many of my old friends drift away, especially as they went off and did their own thing (I still live in the same town in which I grew up). I could not say for sure, but I think it is because that is (as you have mentioned) when people start to...I do not want to say "change," per se, but perhaps..."come into their own"...It does not really matter if the change is "for the better" or "for the worse." Sometimes those ties just cannot remain.

If I may give a mildly optimistic post-script, I have, at the same time, been finding myself reconnecting with old friends with whom I had not had much contact with since my late teens, or even those with whom I had been acquainted and friendly but never particularly close to before. My best friend is someone I knew in high school and became close with again after she returned from Europe a couple of years ago; and another friend of mine is someone I knew in elementary school, ran into at a bonfire party a few years ago, and now we hang out now and again. (He has had quite an interesting life story, it turns out.)

My point is, this is just a natural progression. I cannot give any specific advice; I just thought I would share some of my thoughts. And they are short, as I have to head off to work, but I wanted to put these ideas out while they were fresh.

 

[ZeroCharlie]

Thank you! I have been lurking for months really putting the pieces of my past together in the context that I never realized. I appreciate everyone's posts that I have read in the past months, it really helps. I was going to do an introduction months ago but after I wrote it I lost my nerve and cancelled it. It was very similar story to many other stories.. K-12 were very lonely times.

I am sorry this happened, it is tough to see friends drift away. With the new interests you develop, I hope you meet some interesting folks.

 

[xubly]

I really, really, REALLY hate to say this, especially given that we are not far apart in age, but in my experience this is a defining feature of one's early 20's. Certainly I have seen many of my old friends drift away, especially as they went off and did their own thing (I still live in the same town in which I grew up). I could not say for sure, but I think it is because that is (as you have mentioned) when people start to...I do not want to say "change," per se, but perhaps..."come into their own"...It does not really matter if the change is "for the better" or "for the worse." Sometimes those ties just cannot remain.

If I may give a mildly optimistic post-script, I have, at the same time, been finding myself reconnecting with old friends with whom I had not had much contact with since my late teens, or even those with whom I had been acquainted and friendly but never particularly close to before. My best friend is someone I knew in high school and became close with again after she returned from Europe a couple of years ago; and another friend of mine is someone I knew in elementary school, ran into at a bonfire party a few years ago, and now we hang out now and again. (He has had quite an interesting life story, it turns out.)

My point is, this is just a natural progression. I cannot give any specific advice; I just thought I would share some of my thoughts. And they are short, as I have to head off to work, but I wanted to put these ideas out while they were fresh.

Thank you for responding Wyv ^^;

I agree. I guess I can't always choose who stays as my friend and who doesn't knowing they can't fully accept the person that I've become. Also, with not being able to share the same things definitely breaks things between the friendship shared.

I had to attend three different elementary schools, one middle school and three different high schools. Whenever I went back to those places, those old friends/acquaintances either acted as if they didn't know who I was anymore or didn't care about seeing/meeting me again. So, reconnecting with them did nothing for me, but only made me feel more of an outcast. Moving may have been one of my most difficult challenges throughout my life. I've never met anyone who moved as much as I did or struggled the way I did because of the moves. Maybe that would have made things much easier on my part if I did meet someone who could've related to that. My family, however, did not make things easier on me while going through this. They couldn't understand why I was the way I was. I always had melt downs in school and such. I felt they only saw them as a way for me seeking attention, but of course, that wasn't how I felt at all. I felt bullied at school and pushed aside since it seemed everyone around me was much more book smart than I was. I never cared for school. I only liked school because I got to interact with all types of people even if I was just sitting on the sidelines listening to them talk. I always forced myself into talking and to be out of my comfort zone. Now and days, it isn't that way and I find it harder to make friends. Aside from that, I've realized it was easier to make friends with people who were much younger than I was or much older too.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me though. I appreciate them nonetheless. I hope you have a wonderful day at work

 

[xubly]

Thank you! I have been lurking for months really putting the pieces of my past together in the context that I never realized. I appreciate everyone's posts that I have read in the past months, it really helps. I was going to do an introduction months ago but after I wrote it I lost my nerve and cancelled it. It was very similar story to many other stories.. K-12 were very lonely times.

I am sorry this happened, it is tough to see friends drift away. With the new interests you develop, I hope you meet some interesting folks.

Well, I am happy and honored that my post was your first post I hope to see more of you around here

Thank you. I do hope I will meet more people and befriend some at least for my sake.

 

[wyverary]

I only liked school because I got to interact with all types of people even if I was just sitting on the sidelines listening to them talk. I always forced myself into talking and to be out of my comfort zone. Now and days, it isn't that way and I find it harder to make friends. Aside from that, I've realized it was easier to make friends with people who were much younger than I was or much older too.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me though. I appreciate them nonetheless. I hope you have a wonderful day at work

That perfectly describes my high school social experience. I had a couple of friends, but especially when I moved to a new high school (voluntarily, I should add), most of my social experience was, as you say, "sitting on the sidelines listening to them talk" and forcing myself to speak occasionally. When I left high school, however, that approach lost its effectiveness. In college I always felt like an outcast, which--as unwilling as I am to admit it--was probably a major factor in my dropping out so many times. For some reason, I seem to prefer younger people nowadays, and I know a lot of people around 19-20 (I am 26 myself) with whom I get on well, though I would not go so far as to call them close friends.

The thing is, I do not know what I would do if I lost the few close friends I now have. It might be devastating; I am no good at making new friends these days, at least here in the town I live in. Hey, maybe that should be my new project...Find new friends...?

 

[xubly]

That perfectly describes my high school social experience. I had a couple of friends, but especially when I moved to a new high school (voluntarily, I should add), most of my social experience was, as you say, "sitting on the sidelines listening to them talk" and forcing myself to speak occasionally. When I left high school, however, that approach lost its effectiveness. In college I always felt like an outcast, which--as unwilling as I am to admit it--was probably a major factor in my dropping out so many times. For some reason, I seem to prefer younger people nowadays, and I know a lot of people around 19-20 (I am 26 myself) with whom I get on well, though I would not go so far as to call them close friends.

The thing is, I do not know what I would do if I lost the few close friends I now have. It might be devastating; I am no good at making new friends these days, at least here in the town I live in. Hey, maybe that should be my new project...Find new friends...?

Ah, at least now I don't feel so alone with my experiences on school. I'm open to anyone who wants to be my friend but even so, the general interests are what would keep our friendships in tact. I have many other beliefs that may sound 'crazy' to some, but most of all, they rather ignore them than to comprehend why it is that makes me feel what I feel or see the way I do

It's difficult losing close friends when they're all we have. I don't have any way to meet new friends at the moment either. For unknown reasons, I'm losing a lot of interest in things that actually did use to interest me. I've become pretty much a passive person and don't know how to truly get out of this saddening mode of mine

I hope you take on the challenge of making new friends. You seem like a kind person, so, I have no doubt you'll be making new friends to add onto your social life

 

[wyverary]

I hope you take on the challenge of making new friends. You seem like a kind person, so, I have no doubt you'll be making new friends to add onto your social life

Sweet of you, m'dear. I will do my best.

 

[Aalo]

After a long time friend of mine took her distance I wondered for many times if that was caused by her need to search for someone new, who's unaware of her previous mistakes and misfortune she'd faced in her life so far. Those were events I had stood for her, helped the best I could, and so, I had saw it all. Whether I was supportive and did believe in her I've no way of knowing how desperately in a need for someone that's only not judging, but also couldn't judge, she was. I believe that living under anyone's mercy, no matter how good it is, isn't always as good as to be known only for good things you've done. Sometimes people have needs that can feel self-seeking, but after all they're everyone just living for their own fulfillment and we are but bystanders with mere or less active roles in their lives.

No matter how letting people go might seem to be a growing trend, it's not how it has to be all the time. I hope you're open when meeting new people!

 

[xubly]

After a long time friend of mine took her distance I wondered for many times if that was caused by her need to search for someone new, who's unaware of her previous mistakes and misfortune she'd faced in her life so far. Those were events I had stood for her, helped the best I could, and so, I had saw it all. Whether I was supportive and did believe in her I've no way of knowing how desperately in a need for someone that's only not judging, but also couldn't judge, she was. I believe that living under anyone's mercy, no matter how good it is, isn't always as good as to be known only for good things you've done. Sometimes people have needs that can feel self-seeking, but after all they're everyone just living for their own fulfillment and we are but bystanders with mere or less active roles in their lives.

No matter how letting people go might seem to be a growing trend, it's not how it has to be all the time. I hope you're open when meeting new people!

Thank you for responding and sharing your experience with me I am glad to be able to see everyone's perspectives and am learning to cope better with the friends I have lost.

I see myself as a very open-minded person who doesn't like to judge others by any standards. I am always open to meeting new people and making new friends. All I ask is for their loyalty to the friendship. I hope to befriend some of you in some way.