I've just walked out of my job....

[muddled]

Yep, I've just done the most terrifying thing ever - left my job I've been working on for 6 years, and I have no idea what to do now other than to totally freak out about it.

For the past 10 months I've been working as a newly qualified medical doctor in the UK; before that I studied medicine for 5 years. Before that I worked in publishing, for the NHS, and for various other companies. Before that I studied biology and worked in research.

I've lived a fairly troublesome life so far. I'm also Bipolar, which is a surprisingly rough illness. I've been admitted to psychiatric hospitals 3 times, attempted suicide 12 times, been resuscitated (like on ER) 7 times, I've been on psychiatric medication for most of my adult life. I've been sexually assaulted. I've been hit, kicked, spat on many times. I've been disowned (and "re-owned") by my family. I've spent more of my life unloved than loved. However, after all this, I came to the conclusion a few years ago (having spent the last few months in intensive care following another suicide attempt) that the major thing lacking in my life was happiness; and ever since then I have made it my life's mission to find it. I completed my medical degree, to make my parents proud, and found myself a very nice and understanding man who I'm now engaged to.

The issue is that my job as a doctor was making me profoundly miserable; I continued at it to keep my family happy (they are sadly proud) and to pay the bills, all the time forgetting the promise that I made to myself to improve my quality of life. I've been having real difficulties with social interaction at work - something I've always struggled with but has never been an issue of great emphasis. However as a Doctor, there is a great emphasis - on my ability to communicate to patients and staff with ease, to alleviate stress and anguish with words and expressions. I make very little eye contact, and when I do it is brief and as if I'm staring a foot in front of the person; I lecture rather than talk; my form of speech is eccentric and unwieldy; I'm incapable of small talk; and my face is usually a blank canvas. All in all, I'm unsuitable. The management have placed increasing demands on me to rectify this, which has had no effect. And so my career progression has been halted while "supporting measures" are put in place (no one knows what these may be). It is only over the past week weeks that I discussed my problems with my Psychiatrist who feels I am certainly on the autistic spectrum, probably Aspergers; and have referred me to a Psychologist for full diagnosis.

Yesterday, I was taking blood from an elderly lady who has lost the ability to talk due to a stroke. She can still think fine, but can't socially interact. We both understood each other's predicament. She had this photo album - a beautiful collection of the most fantastic images spanning her life in a colourful montage of wonderful places, smiling people, and overwhelming happiness. I wondered what my album would look like. Would it have many happy photos? Would it all be places, and no people? Would it be blank? I realised that life is too short for dwelling in a miserable present; that I need to change my life in a way that makes me happy, even if that way seems worrying or untidy.

And so, today, I finished up my tasks and discharged the lady with the album. Then I walked out. Officially I'm on sick leave, while I figure things out. Though I know I won't be going back there.

Yet another drama I could do without! Let's hope I can find a suitable job asap before I go bonkers staying in the house.

 

[Ereth]

You did something very brave and ought to be commended for it. I've been out of college for almost a year now and haven't found a paid job myself yet, but I've been trying to cope with similar feelings of uncertainty. That question about your album---I could be asking the same thing.

Best wishes as you move forward from here.

 

[wyverary]

Well, first off, I am very pleased that you are still on medical leave; that will help TREMENDOUSLY while you "figure things out."

You already have what so many people would give their left arm for—an impressive CV.

As for finding happiness? It all depends. That's entirely up to you. Just hold that album in your head as you continue to go through life.

 

[Peace]

Yep, I've just done the most terrifying thing ever - left my job I've been working on for 6 years, and I have no idea what to do now other than to totally freak out about it.

For the past 10 months I've been working as a newly qualified medical doctor in the UK; before that I studied medicine for 5 years. Before that I worked in publishing, for the NHS, and for various other companies. Before that I studied biology and worked in research.

I've lived a fairly troublesome life so far. I'm also Bipolar, which is a surprisingly rough illness. I've been admitted to psychiatric hospitals 3 times, attempted suicide 12 times, been resuscitated (like on ER) 7 times, I've been on psychiatric medication for most of my adult life. I've been sexually assaulted. I've been hit, kicked, spat on many times. I've been disowned (and "re-owned") by my family. I've spent more of my life unloved than loved. However, after all this, I came to the conclusion a few years ago (having spent the last few months in intensive care following another suicide attempt) that the major thing lacking in my life was happiness; and ever since then I have made it my life's mission to find it. I completed my medical degree, to make my parents proud, and found myself a very nice and understanding man who I'm now engaged to.

The issue is that my job as a doctor was making me profoundly miserable; I continued at it to keep my family happy (they are sadly proud) and to pay the bills, all the time forgetting the promise that I made to myself to improve my quality of life. I've been having real difficulties with social interaction at work - something I've always struggled with but has never been an issue of great emphasis. However as a Doctor, there is a great emphasis - on my ability to communicate to patients and staff with ease, to alleviate stress and anguish with words and expressions. I make very little eye contact, and when I do it is brief and as if I'm staring a foot in front of the person; I lecture rather than talk; my form of speech is eccentric and unwieldy; I'm incapable of small talk; and my face is usually a blank canvas. All in all, I'm unsuitable. The management have placed increasing demands on me to rectify this, which has had no effect. And so my career progression has been halted while "supporting measures" are put in place (no one knows what these may be). It is only over the past week weeks that I discussed my problems with my Psychiatrist who feels I am certainly on the autistic spectrum, probably Aspergers; and have referred me to a Psychologist for full diagnosis.

Yesterday, I was taking blood from an elderly lady who has lost the ability to talk due to a stroke. She can still think fine, but can't socially interact. We both understood each other's predicament. She had this photo album - a beautiful collection of the most fantastic images spanning her life in a colourful montage of wonderful places, smiling people, and overwhelming happiness. I wondered what my album would look like. Would it have many happy photos? Would it all be places, and no people? Would it be blank? I realised that life is too short for dwelling in a miserable present; that I need to change my life in a way that makes me happy, even if that way seems worrying or untidy.

And so, today, I finished up my tasks and discharged the lady with the album. Then I walked out. Officially I'm on sick leave, while I figure things out. Though I know I won't be going back there.

Yet another drama I could do without! Let's hope I can find a suitable job asap before I go bonkers staying in the house.

It took a lot of courage to face your life and your fears like you did. The temptation now will be to crawl back into your comfort zone (which obviously was not too comfortable. Take a deep breath, and relax for a moment. My doctor of many years left without notice one day to become a plumber. Another guy I know had a very sucsessful trucking company. He left it one day and moved to the country to become a chicken farmer. His wife even left him, and he said that's OK, it obviously was not meant to be.
Follow your heart, chase your dreams, and live! Good Luck, and I support you for wanting happiness and so will all of those who truly love you.

 

[muddled]

Thanks for your support, guys!

Well, I'm sadly overqualified for all the jobs in my town; due to years of meandering through life from crisis to crisis, I'm have ended up with a ridiculous CV which can be as big a problem as no CV. There are 3 jobs I can apply for - the only issue is that I think my ex will be my boss; could be interesting...

I need to find something to do with my time; something that creates happy memories, and not more bad ones. I want to be able to look back on my death bed and see it all as time well spent. I don't want to be one of those guys who spends all his time at work, being slowly dissolved by misery. I want to be the guy who gets paid virtually nothing, but loves it.

And I don't have a physical album yet That one belonged to the patient

 

[Ste11aeres]

Thanks for your support, guys!

Well, I'm sadly overqualified for all the jobs in my town; due to years of meandering through life from crisis to crisis, I'm have ended up with a ridiculous CV which can be as big a problem as no CV.

You don't have to put everything on your CV

 

[I am that which I am]

Hello,

I know how you feel regarding your career. One of the reasons I prefer to be a researcher over a clinician. Being a clinician and dealing directly with patients might just not be appropriate for you. Try to ask the management for another position where you may not have to deal with patients as much. A diagnosis would definitely help push the management to give you that position. Good work on the sick leave that will buy you time so to speak.

You can also get therapy and support for the social aspects, but I know it never goes away completely. Where I live there are apparently clubs (Toastmasters) where you can learn more effective communication skills and everyone there is terrible and has social anxiety. I used to be incapable of small talk and still am to a certain extent. In some situations it is easy to figure out the questions to ask. Students: ask them about what they are doing, what they want to become, how they are doing in school etc.; most people ask about their job, the weather, kids/family (a bit personal). I know it seems mundane, its an NT thing .

Your life does not have to be around your job either and you can get into the same field that does not demand as much social interaction (research, pharmacy, veterinarian, consultant for pharmacies, medical labs, and related medical industries). Your family may be proud but it is not worth it if it will kill you. Do it for yourself instead and they will still be proud. You probably excel much further and be more productive if you are comfortable and happy, then your family may be proud anyways that you did something different but came out on top.

You can always cut things from your CV, I've had to make a completely different CV for my academic endeavors compared to the typical job CV (I have been working since the age of 11).

Poor old lady, I am sure you made her day. You should be proud of that.

 

[Warwick C]

You have taken a big step forward Muddled, it is only the first step for you finding the right job.

 

[Autism]

Yep, I've just done the most terrifying thing ever - left my job I've been working on for 6 years, and I have no idea what to do now other than to totally freak out about it.

For the past 10 months I've been working as a newly qualified medical doctor in the UK; before that I studied medicine for 5 years. Before that I worked in publishing, for the NHS, and for various other companies. Before that I studied biology and worked in research.

I've lived a fairly troublesome life so far. I'm also Bipolar, which is a surprisingly rough illness. I've been admitted to psychiatric hospitals 3 times, attempted suicide 12 times, been resuscitated (like on ER) 7 times, I've been on psychiatric medication for most of my adult life. I've been sexually assaulted. I've been hit, kicked, spat on many times. I've been disowned (and "re-owned") by my family. I've spent more of my life unloved than loved. However, after all this, I came to the conclusion a few years ago (having spent the last few months in intensive care following another suicide attempt) that the major thing lacking in my life was happiness; and ever since then I have made it my life's mission to find it. I completed my medical degree, to make my parents proud, and found myself a very nice and understanding man who I'm now engaged to.

The issue is that my job as a doctor was making me profoundly miserable; I continued at it to keep my family happy (they are sadly proud) and to pay the bills, all the time forgetting the promise that I made to myself to improve my quality of life. I've been having real difficulties with social interaction at work - something I've always struggled with but has never been an issue of great emphasis. However as a Doctor, there is a great emphasis - on my ability to communicate to patients and staff with ease, to alleviate stress and anguish with words and expressions. I make very little eye contact, and when I do it is brief and as if I'm staring a foot in front of the person; I lecture rather than talk; my form of speech is eccentric and unwieldy; I'm incapable of small talk; and my face is usually a blank canvas. All in all, I'm unsuitable. The management have placed increasing demands on me to rectify this, which has had no effect. And so my career progression has been halted while "supporting measures" are put in place (no one knows what these may be). It is only over the past week weeks that I discussed my problems with my Psychiatrist who feels I am certainly on the autistic spectrum, probably Aspergers; and have referred me to a Psychologist for full diagnosis.

Yesterday, I was taking blood from an elderly lady who has lost the ability to talk due to a stroke. She can still think fine, but can't socially interact. We both understood each other's predicament. She had this photo album - a beautiful collection of the most fantastic images spanning her life in a colourful montage of wonderful places, smiling people, and overwhelming happiness. I wondered what my album would look like. Would it have many happy photos? Would it all be places, and no people? Would it be blank? I realised that life is too short for dwelling in a miserable present; that I need to change my life in a way that makes me happy, even if that way seems worrying or untidy.

And so, today, I finished up my tasks and discharged the lady with the album. Then I walked out. Officially I'm on sick leave, while I figure things out. Though I know I won't be going back there.

Yet another drama I could do without! Let's hope I can find a suitable job asap before I go bonkers staying in the house.

I did that a couple of years ago, just walked out after being horribly abused at my workplace. Was actively stalked and then I found out that another victim in the same workplace was also stalked and physically and sexually assaulted, and raped. That was reason enough to leave. Wanted to be able to keep the job to pay the bills, but after a while it was obvious that the people wanted me, the evidence, to leave, so they could finally begin to cover it up completely because they were not able to do so while the victims were still there and could tell their story.

I only make eye contact with people when I know that they are not fake. First conversations usually are not accompanied by eye contact, because there is no need to. Many times I will not look at someone because I can already tell that their intentions are not good. I kid you not, I can detect wrong behavior and despicable intentions from merely looking at certain limbs of a human being and how that human being moves. It only takes a couple of seconds and I can exactly discern what that person is up to. Very freakish, but I usually make a wide bow around that kind of person.

 

[Manuheleku]

Wow, that is terrifying, but, congratulations and good luck!

 

[nowwhat]

Well, what is anything material or measurable worth if you're miserable? Live for others' standards and demands, you have things, status and approval. Once you've learned what makes you happy, or more to the point, what doesn't, it's hard to go back. There's a price to be paid, but I'm applauding. Hope it works out for you. I hope you're happier for it.

 

[Ereth]

I only make eye contact with people when I know that they are not fake. First conversations usually are not accompanied by eye contact, because there is no need to. Many times I will not look at someone because I can already tell that their intentions are not good. I kid you not, I can detect wrong behavior and despicable intentions from merely looking at certain limbs of a human being and how that human being moves. It only takes a couple of seconds and I can exactly discern what that person is up to. Very freakish, but I usually make a wide bow around that kind of person.

So . . . this is off-topic, and I apologize to everyone, but I need to ask. You practice a version of physiognomy?

What kinds of things would you "see," I wonder, in someone who has different degrees of control over his or her limbs? Would I be considered a threat to you because I walk funny?

 

[x3n0]

Good for you! Be happy!

 

[paloftoon]

I know that some doctors can give computer diagnoses for regular patients with regular medications. This could help a little with your regular patients if you are in a similar situation.

If you can find an online university possibly if you think you'd like teaching, that may be something to consider.

 

[Joel I]

Wow good luck! My mother has bipolar so I've been dealing with the consequence all my life & I know it is real hard. My aspergers didn't matter it was all about survival. I was only diagnosed recently even though I've been seeing psychologist and psychiatrists all my life. Keep strong and try to find people you can trust for support.

 

[muddled]

Hello again! Sorry for vanishing from the forum for so long - I tend to disappear when things are getting tough I guess I was a tortoise in a past life.

After a discussion with management to make a clear plan about what they expected of me and wanted me to do, I went back to my old job. Things had been going pretty great for the past few weeks - my co-workers have got used to my eccentric behaviour and strange behaviour (I'm not actually aware of what this behaviour is, I just get told about it!); I now get given all the strange cases that no one else has solved, which is fun.

But.

Found out that the management have been having secret meetings with Occupational Health (not sure if you have those guys in the US?) who have all decided that I'm "mentally unstable" and need to go. They have been trying to contact my shrink, who has refused to comment without my consent. I had a long chat with my Psychologist who is going to start the formal diagnosis process, and to accelerate it - we reckon that a diagnosis might help to protect me.

So on one hand they let me independently manage complex cases and make life and death decisions, all on my own; but on the other hand they think I'm nuts, and a danger to humanity. They fail to see the paradox.

They ignore everything I say in my defence, in that annoying way that shrinks do when I'm in an asylum. And worst of all - they see this as an illness.

I am nuts. I always have been. I talk weird, gesture weird, dress weird, act weird. But in a harmless way. I like being different - I like the fact that I'm not a member of a group, that decides on who's "in" or "out". Sure, if I had a magic wand I'd like to have the super power of being able to understand social cues; but that might mean I lose sight of everything else that's going on.

I worry that all of this is turning me into a bitter person. I'm starting to resent neurotypicals.

But it's not all bad. There are a few people who have decided to ignore the management and give me support. And the nurses seem to think my behaviour is "cute" Especially when I blush.

Ugh, being an adult is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

 

[Warwick C]

I hope the diagnosis gives you more protection Muddled, when you need it.

 

[nowwhat]

I tend to disappear when things are getting tough

I, as well.

So on one hand they let me independently manage complex cases and make life and death decisions, all on my own; but on the other hand they think I'm nuts, and a danger to humanity. They fail to see the paradox.

Typical NT stupidity, of the sort that rankles us.

I am nuts. I always have been. I talk weird, gesture weird, dress weird, act weird. But in a harmless way. I like being different - I like the fact that I'm not a member of a group, that decides on who's "in" or "out". Sure, if I had a magic wand I'd like to have the super power of being able to understand social cues; but that might mean I lose sight of everything else that's going on.

Once again, someone here has typed my thoughts into a form. I don't get that anywhere else, ever. Thank you.

I worry that all of this is turning me into a bitter person. I'm starting to resent neurotypicals.

Don't become bitter. Not worth the collateral damage. Not sure how you can avoid it, but it's costly.

 

[muddled]

Thanks, guys

I really hope it will offer some sort of protection - though unfortunately it will be a month late! Oh well.

Going on how many much bigger problems I have faced in the past, I know I will come through it all in good state.

Thus far I have been trying to be very "softly softly" in my approach, as that's what the management seemed to want. But since they are having a hearing on the 15th June about my position, it's time for me to go back to my normal self - stubborn and assertive I've contacted the trade union, my shrink (banning all contact with my employer), my psychologist, and human resources. As my supervisor said, this is now a war :s

Every opportunity I get, I stress that the situation has grown out of control and that I would like a mediator to help resolve the disagreement. I want a nice peaceful solution. I hate arguments, as I obsess over them until I'm so anxious I'm incapable of doing anything.

I think they want to get rid of me, and this is their opportunity. In doing so, they are making me believe that I am completely unemployable and serve no function in society. They told me yesterday that all jobs needed the social skills which I lacked, and so I wouldn't be able to be employed anywhere. I have two degrees, which have cost the UK taxpayers about £400,000.

 

[Joel I]

Wow read about your situation opens up some wounds which I am really trying to forget, they are now worse then infected I think I need my head amputated by now. I lost my dream job because of aspergers but I had not heard of AS at the time. The only thing I can say is good luck and find people you can rely on to help you though this. Unfortunately it is hard to find trustworthy people who have YOUR best interests at heart so good luck again.