"Improvement" of some symptoms leads to others worsening?

[Naturalist]

Over the past year I have managed to significantly reduce my rage meltdowns, which were often tied to stress and feelings of rejection / persecution. To achieve this my therapist has helped me to become more relaxed about myself, accepting my own identity, and giving myself permission to be quirky and imperfect on occasion. I have even settled on a few semi-acceptable stims (or at least ways to avoid calling attention to said stims). All these are good things, and I haven't had a rage meltdown in many months. And I feel very calm and occasionally quite happy. People can like me or not, and it doesn't matter as much which they choose, because I really enjoy being myself now, most of the time.

However, I have noticed that my eye contact has gone even further downhill (it was already bad, but at least I could fake it to a degree--now it just makes me physically sick to try), and my verbal ability has gone from unpredictable to... predictably BAD. I can't seem to think of words to fill a sentence any more when I speak. I have never struggled so much to speak to people; if anything my conversational style had been nerdy and rambling, but seldom at a LOSS for words. Now, my job is getting really difficult because I have to teach, but I can't find the right words to discuss the ideas that I can visualize in my mind. It has always taken me a long time to get to my point, but not because I couldn't start a sentence! I don't see the same difficulty in my writing. I can write quite a lot, with great ease, for hours at a time.

Has anyone else found that improving on one symptom of AS causes others to become more pronounced?

 

[DogwoodTree]

I don't know about "improving" symptoms causing others to get worse, but I have noticed a lot of my ability to speak going steadily downhill the last couple of years, even before I figured out the AS thing. At one point I wondered if it might be an early expression of Alzheimer's because it was so noticeable. I've had to give myself permission to take the time I need to think of the words I want, even if it means pausing while I talk, and permission to just listen and not stress myself out from trying to talk.

That's so great to hear about your progress with the rage meltdowns and the struggles behind them.

 

[Ylva]

You don't think it was an outlet that you suppressed thus robbing your brain of a way to deal or let off steam? Because I can see how that would affect the rest.

 

[Jacob Morrison]

It seems like some of my symptoms developed over time. I didn't really have a monotone voice until around middle school and I wasn't extremely socially awkward until high school.

 

[Ylva]

It seems like some of my symptoms developed over time. I didn't really have a monotone voice until around middle school and I wasn't extremely socially awkward until high school.

So maybe more a reaction to the trauma of being repeatedly excluded?

 

[Suzanne]

For me, it seems to go the other way. For example: I found it chronically difficult to make eye contact due to a physical phenomenon such as, their head getting bigger and bigger etc, which freaked me out. Now, however, that does not happen any more, but I find myself concentrating and, well, analysing as if I am saying to myself: keep looking because it is rude to look away.

I cannot share eye contact still and so, that is a work on and, when surrounded by others, my mind goes blank and I can feel myself grasping for something to say. A most horrible feeling and one, I cannot wait to get away from and usually mutter an excuse and get out.

I do not like stimming and when I become aware of it, I force myself to stop, because I really do not like bringing notice to myself.

 

[Naturalist]

You don't think it was an outlet that you suppressed thus robbing your brain of a way to deal or let off steam? Because I can see how that would affect the rest.

I wondered about that... Except that I genuinely don't feel the NEED for a meltdown as much. I have been giving myself more solitude when I am upset, just in case I need to start throwing things or pound on the walls, but I haven't been upset enough to need it.

I do wonder if I am liking that solitude so much that my brain is both consciously and subconsciously craving it, and thus sabotaging the attempts I make at social communication! (I think a lot of the stress that caused the rage meltdowns was due to never having time to myself, and finding that a good many of the people around me were horribly judgemental.) By scheduling more time alone and then consciously trying NOT to suppress my own personality under the guise of being friendly, maybe my brain has recognized a state of quiet with which it is comfortable and happy?

 

[Naturalist]

I have noticed a lot of my ability to speak going steadily downhill the last couple of years, even before I figured out the AS thing. At one point I wondered if it might be an early expression of Alzheimer's because it was so noticeable. I've had to give myself permission to take the time I need to think of the words I want, even if it means pausing while I talk, and permission to just listen and not stress myself out from trying to talk.

Yes, I was worried about that, too. I also thought that perhaps because I've actually seen some cognitive improvement lately (increase in focused thinking, and feeling more creative) that my head is simply so full of material as I get older that it's no longer as "simple" to make a sentence to express what I want to say--too many options and variables from which to choose! Given a choice between thinking and talking, I'll take "thinking" any day!

 

[On the Inside]

I do wonder if I am liking that solitude so much that my brain is both consciously and subconsciously craving it, and thus sabotaging the attempts I make at social communication! (I think a lot of the stress that caused the rage meltdowns was due to never having time to myself, and finding that a good many of the people around me were horribly judgemental.) By scheduling more time alone and then consciously trying NOT to suppress my own personality under the guise of being friendly, maybe my brain has recognized a state of quiet with which it is comfortable and happy?

I have always been most comfortable when quiet and alone. I can't say I was happier, but more comfortable. But I do crave that alone time, even when I'm happy and having fun with others. Before I was diagnosed, I went through a period of feeling frustration and anger, that I was having a good time, yet wanting to be alone, wanting to be closer to my family, yet wishing I was off on my own, hiking in the woods. It really ripped me apart.

Since I was diagnosed, I am more understanding of my needs, and able to recognize when I am approaching an overwhelm. I am trying to get better at actually speaking up for myself to get my needs met instead of holding it in and bearing it.

 

[On the Inside]

Yes, I was worried about that, too. I also thought that perhaps because I've actually seen some cognitive improvement lately (increase in focused thinking, and feeling more creative) that my head is simply so full of material as I get older that it's no longer as "simple" to make a sentence to express what I want to say--too many options and variables from which to choose! Given a choice between thinking and talking, I'll take "thinking" any day!

I like thinking, too, unless there's ample room for humor, then I like to talk.

I am reminded of a quote by who knows who, but it's funny anyways.

"I have so many words rolling around in my head, that sometimes the wrong ones come out."

 

[Progster]

I think that if I were more confident and had less social anxiety, many traits would become more apparent simply because I would talk more. As I am now, because I don't approach people easily and don't talk much, people may just think that I'm shy.

 

[anthoskate]

For me, it seems to go the other way. For example: I found it chronically difficult to make eye contact due to a physical phenomenon such as, their head getting bigger and bigger etc, which freaked me out. Now, however, that does not happen any more, but I find myself concentrating and, well, analysing as if I am saying to myself: keep looking because it is rude to look away.

I cannot share eye contact still and so, that is a work on and, when surrounded by others, my mind goes blank and I can feel myself grasping for something to say. A most horrible feeling and one, I cannot wait to get away from and usually mutter an excuse and get out.

I do not like stimming and when I become aware of it, I force myself to stop, because I really do not like bringing notice to myself.

Did you have AIWS(Alice In Wonderland Syndrome). Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/06/23/alice-in-wonderland-syndrome/?_r=0
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/06/23/alice-in-wonderland-syndrome/?_r=0

 

[MicroWeiss]

Over the past year I have managed to significantly reduce my rage meltdowns, which were often tied to stress and feelings of rejection / persecution. To achieve this my therapist has helped me to become more relaxed about myself, accepting my own identity, and giving myself permission to be quirky and imperfect on occasion. I have even settled on a few semi-acceptable stims (or at least ways to avoid calling attention to said stims). All these are good things, and I haven't had a rage meltdown in many months. And I feel very calm and occasionally quite happy. People can like me or not, and it doesn't matter as much which they choose, because I really enjoy being myself now, most of the time.

However, I have noticed that my eye contact has gone even further downhill (it was already bad, but at least I could fake it to a degree--now it just makes me physically sick to try), and my verbal ability has gone from unpredictable to... predictably BAD. I can't seem to think of words to fill a sentence any more when I speak. I have never struggled so much to speak to people; if anything my conversational style had been nerdy and rambling, but seldom at a LOSS for words. Now, my job is getting really difficult because I have to teach, but I can't find the right words to discuss the ideas that I can visualize in my mind. It has always taken me a long time to get to my point, but not because I couldn't start a sentence! I don't see the same difficulty in my writing. I can write quite a lot, with great ease, for hours at a time.

Has anyone else found that improving on one symptom of AS causes others to become more pronounced?

I get the feeling, when looking people in the eye, that part of them rubs off on me. I might look at someone and feel really creepy and dirty for a long time afterwards, for example, if that person seems pervy in some way. Or I might feel good, like I am looking at someone who has high standards and a good spirit about them and some positive vibes rubbed off on me. If you drastically decreased eye contact this could actually be part of what is keeping you calm and happy with who you are. You're not letting other people affect you. This is just my theory. Some months ago I came across a guy who was having a nervous breakdown and I looked him in the eye and tried to connect with him to make him feel better. I ended up having a series of panic attacks. I haven't fully recovered from that. I kind of enjoy looking people in the eye sometimes, but maybe it is something I should get over, it often seems unhealthy for me.

 

[Naturalist]

I get the feeling, when looking people in the eye, that part of them rubs off on me. I might look at someone and feel really creepy and dirty for a long time afterwards, for example, if that person seems pervy in some way. Or I might feel good, like I am looking at someone who has high standards and a good spirit about them and some positive vibes rubbed off on me. If you drastically decreased eye contact this could actually be part of what is keeping you calm and happy with who you are. You're not letting other people affect you. This is just my theory. Some months ago I came across a guy who was having a nervous breakdown and I looked him in the eye and tried to connect with him to make him feel better. I ended up having a series of panic attacks. I haven't fully recovered from that. I kind of enjoy looking people in the eye sometimes, but maybe it is something I should get over, it often seems unhealthy for me.

I had not thought of it from that perspective. I often feel that looking directly at people is information overload, and because I don't know how to interpret all the messages inherent in a facial expression or gaze, I get very anxious and confused. So you are quite right that by avoiding a gaze I am creating a filter which keeps me focused on what is being said, thus limiting the information to an amount that is for me a manageable quantity.

It also seems that I absorb a lot of negative energy from others, rather unintentionally, and because that energy is not mine, I have no idea what to do with it, so your description about others' emotions feeling "invasive" makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks!