I think my social anxiety has reached a new high (or low)

[Dragon's Tooth]

My social anxiety is so high that I'm afraid of being kicked from this forum. Yes that's right, I'm so bad I'm waiting for the time when my aspie-ness is so bad I'm worried that even other aspies will find me so socially awkward that they kick me out.

To be fair though I have a few bad experiences with being rejected socially in my life. Like I'm sure every aspie does. But I'm getting really bad with it.

Anyone have an ideas on how I might be able to reduce this? I have to try and find a job as my husband's wage is not sufficient for us to live without me working. After my last experience working the thought of having to get another job petrifies me. And this social anxiety doesn't help.

 

[gailt915]

I have similar worries......I too have been rejected in most areas of my life, for most of my life: work, home, relationships, public places. Like I just don't fit in anywhere, even here.
I am working a very part time seasonal job in retail, it ends on 12/26. Then I have to find another one. It is so stressful to search for another job. All those applications, resumes to be sent out, interviews, etc. And then after doing all that work, they don't want you because your work history is 'patchy'. A lot of places only want people who are currently working! Feels like no one will give us a chance. They just don't understand how hard it is iin this economy for many people to find a job. And for us Aspies, to keep the job once we get one.
My husband and I are in the 'same boat' as you. We really need for me to be working. I have huge student loans I have had to put into deferment for a long time. My time will 'be up' in July. Don't have any idea how I'm going to come up with $500 a month to make these payments, let alone the money I need to get by on every month for bills and meds and taking care of my animals. Going to try some employment agencies/temp agencies. Tho' I've burned some bridges at a few due to my AS.
Very depressing.......sorry, not much help here, but I share your frustration.

 

[Soup]

Awww. Come on, guys! We're not as intolerant as all that. You really have to go waay off the rails in order to get kicked out of this forum. If you break a rule or bend it a little too far, you'll get a notice from a moderator letting you know. Nobody gets kicked off for extreme Aspieness (or nobody would be here but the NTs who've come to learn about Aspies!). You have to really be offensive, hostile to others, intolerant & truly obnoxious or threatening & neither of you fall into those categories.

 

[imagesbyholly]

I still have mini panic attacks every time I get a pm here. Like I'm about to be sent to the principal's office or something. But I've never got a bad pm- in fact I've always greatly enjoyed them. So I kinda feel your pain, Dragon's Tooth. But in both our cases it's probably unfounded. You are still very wecome here and I always read your posts with interest in the threads I visit.

Can you maybe make yourself do some small social type things to kind of streatch your comfort zone before you have to try another job? That said, retail is pretty socially trying! If you have a job now, that's really saying something, though I know it's hard. Good luck!

 

[Donein]

This isn't just an aspie problem. This is a NT problem too. Jobs come and go. Friends come and go. I'm 59 beleive me life is not a bed of roses. Life is hard .... NT's are just as hurt over friends and jobs ..... Life is a journey

 

[Donein]

My social anxiety is so high that I'm afraid of being kicked from this forum. Yes that's right, I'm so bad I'm waiting for the time when my aspie-ness is so bad I'm worried that even other aspies will find me so socially awkward that they kick me out.

To be fair though I have a few bad experiences with being rejected socially in my life. Like I'm sure every aspie does. But I'm getting really bad with it.

Anyone have an ideas on how I might be able to reduce this? I have to try and find a job as my husband's wage is not sufficient for us to live without me working. After my last experience working the thought of having to get another job petrifies me. And this social anxiety doesn't help.

I thought about this again. I feel like this a lot and I'm NT. But the reason I have similar feelings, is because I had a mother that was a narcissist. When this occurs, you can't trust people, why because if you can't trust your own mother, then how do you trust anyone? I'm like you in that I expect to be kicked off, or not liked because this has happened to me before. Maybe the anxiety is only experienced with people who had a Narcissist as a parent???? Not sure... I did hear that all AS have anxiety.. But then what comes first the chicken or the egg? Because I was raised by an AS/alcoholic and a Narcissist. I'm not AS,and I do have anxiety when I'm experiencing the above problems.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Thanks holly and soup for your comments. They are reassuring.

I have found myself targeted in life and often I don't know why. Usually the S*&% hits the fan and there is a blow up and everything ends bad. In an online game I was playing I was pretty much made to be a target of their A holeness and it took me years to get over that because they were pretty nasty to me. Long painful story. And those feelings sometimes translate to other online things like facebook, forums etc.

When you get kicked around by the world it can be hard to find strength to be confident and keep up the mask. I have a job interview for a job I really want on friday and so far I've gotten through the stupid personality test and the phone interview. So hopefully it will work out. I will still have to contend with the crippling anxiety that has been coming out in interviews lately as nervousness. Usually I'm cool as a cucumber in high pressure situations but since I left my last job (just to give you background I was about ready to kill myself and I had a major break down because of this job. Or more to the point one particular manager) I haven't been like that. I've been so wound up from it I haven't gotten to a good place. And its been seven months. I'm just hoping the stars are aligned lol.

I have been trying to push myself socially but it hasn't been working so well. I find I often get scared of going to like a club or something and the fear is getting really bad I find reasons not to go out to something usually. I know I have to push past it but I just find it harder to do so lately. I think I've been isolated too long.

Thank you all for your kind words and Donein I have a very low expectation of the world so I usually expect I will put my foot in it royally at some point and that will be the end, just another tattered experience because I'm not worthy. I expect to get told to pack my bags and take a hike so it can be hard when you are confronted with a situation where you won't be. I have what some people would call extreme views and not everyone likes a view that isn't a pretty rainbow.

 

[Bay]

Dragon's Tooth, although I haven't read all of your posts, I certainly haven't found you to be the least bit objectionable. In fact, I rather like you. You are insightful and well-spoken, and I think that you have nothing to fear here at AC. I know the anxiety that you talk about, having experienced it myself. You are in good company here.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

thanks bay

 

[smith2267]

See if your country has any programs to help people with disabilities to find work they can do. Maybe you can work alone or from home.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I want to work from home but I need to train to do what I want from home and I can't afford to train I need a job to get the money for the training. Because of where my visa is with the country I'm in I can't access student loans to help me out. Its a catch 22. I'll cross my fingers and hope for the best. Thanks smith for the advise

 

[Donein]

Thanks holly and soup for your comments. They are reassuring.

I have found myself targeted in life and often I don't know why. Usually the S*&% hits the fan and there is a blow up and everything ends bad. In an online game I was playing I was pretty much made to be a target of their A holeness and it took me years to get over that because they were pretty nasty to me. Long painful story. And those feelings sometimes translate to other online things like facebook, forums etc.



When you get kicked around by the world it can be hard to find strength to be confident and keep up the mask. I have a job interview for a job I really want on friday and so far I've gotten through the stupid personality test and the phone interview. So hopefully it will work out. I will still have to contend with the crippling anxiety that has been coming out in interviews lately as nervousness. Usually I'm cool as a cucumber in high pressure situations but since I left my last job (just to give you background I was about ready to kill myself and I had a major break down because of this job. Or more to the point one particular manager) I haven't been like that. I've been so wound up from it I haven't gotten to a good place. And its been seven months. I'm just hoping the stars are aligned lol.

I have been kicked around my whole /FN life. First 24 years of being raised by wolves. One with alcoholism and one with Narcissism. I was programmed to sit on the sofa and collect government checks. Why - that is what my parents wanted. They wanted me to cling to their dysfuntion and need them and never grow up...OOOOpppppssss I fooled them,,,got my ass in therapy and said "You parents are crazy",,, I have been clawing my way to some kind of a life ever since. I married an AS and had two AS children. The ony good difference in this story is that I loved my children and fought for them every day. I protected them from the alcoholism and Narcissism and moved them far away from my Parents who were disordered and crazy..... Nobody is going to keep me down. Abuse me all you want, - I'm used to it, bring it on - Noone is keeping me down,,,,I'm a fighter and I fight for the abused and I fight for my self. Nothing is easy, there will be daily crap and there ya go,,,I got my gloves on.....

I have been trying to push myself socially but it hasn't been working so well. I find I often get scared of going to like a club or something and the fear is getting really bad I find reasons not to go out to something usually. I know I have to push past it but I just find it harder to do so lately. I think I've been isolated too long.

Isolation is not good. God said 'it is not good for man to be alone.' I have two adult children with high anxiety in social situations. My advice - when you go (make yourself go) know that Everyone is equal,,,, know that we are all anxious,,, know that we are all looking for a friend, a chat, A good conversation opener is to say "I like your _____", maybe earings, maybe shoes, mabye shirt ---- then, the persoan says thanks, then maybe says "I bought them at Khols",,,then you say,,, I like Kohls and say why. Keep the thread going. One thing I think the AS doesn't do it keep the conversation going... My AS son thinks he can read the others persons mind - big mistake- noone can read your mind.... Everyone is just trying to connect. Don't over think things... Life is a journey and the best way to keep on trucking is by TALKING.

Thank you all for your kind words and Donein I have a very low expectation of the world so I usually expect I will put my foot in it royally at some point and that will be the end, just another tattered experience because I'm not worthy. I expect to get told to pack my bags and take a hike so it can be hard when you are confronted with a situation where you won't be. I have what some people would call extreme views and not everyone likes a view that isn't a pretty rainbow.

Don't have low expectations. Put your fighting gloves on and speak up....Talk ---get you point across. You are worth a lot... God loved us first!!!! Why do you think you are not? Extreme views are ok, just keep you voice low and keep on talking. Don't let them squash your rainbows.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

a friend has said I should be in politics because I say what needs to be said, even if it isn't pretty. My experience is that most people in this world don't want the truth, they want the fluffy bunny version. The bleeding hearts of this world can be very cruel when you don't agree with them. For people who want to cuddle everyone they can be very thorny if you don't want to do the same.

 

[Soup]

@Dragon'sTooth: I hope you do get that job: it sounds like you've gone through a lot in the application process. As for building your social skills, you don't have to throw yourself right off the deep end by showing up at a club full of drinking people in full party mode in a loud flashy setting. Go somewhere where there's less pressure: visit a museum or a showing at an art gallery. Go to a prized orchid show at your botanical gardens. This way, the focus is on something other than just blabbering, dancing or making friends. If even that seems like too much, try going to a book store to browse or sit at a cafe with a cappuccino & a good book.

 

[Donein]

a friend has said I should be in politics because I say what needs to be said, even if it isn't pretty. My experience is that most people in this world don't want the truth, they want the fluffy bunny version. The bleeding hearts of this world can be very cruel when you don't agree with them. For people who want to cuddle everyone they can be very thorny if you don't want to do the same.

What if Everyone just told the truth? Wouldn't that be amazing. I just came back from the doctor and my husband who is AS was asked a lot of questions by the doctor. He answered lies to everyone of them. He is in denial about his pain caused from abusive parents. He lies about his addictions. He pretends he doesn't have any. He is AS and a narcissist and has lied for protection since he was 12. And what is really amazing is that some of these lies could injure his life. The doctor is trying to help him. When you are a Narcissist they wear what they call a false mask. They have lied so often, they can't tell the truth from reality. When they get old they go into a schzoid personality.

 

[radasp]

This may be a bit counterintuitive and difficult to see, but I think we Aspies do a lot of rejecting of people and jobs BECAUSE they don't suit us or interest us. And we feel more comfortable saying we've been rejected (which is true many times) than saying, I reject that person or job because they don't live up to my standards. The job is boring, that person lacks honesty...
We do have the right to choose what we want; just because social typicals label us as weird or strange that doesn't mean they get to run our lives! And we don't have to settle for idiot jobs that we will end up sabotaging because we're bored. I've worked for myself most of my life. It's risky, no one to count on but me - no security, just today. You know what? As an Aspie that type of life is far less anxiety provoking than being stuck 8-10 hours a day in a crummy office job.

 

[Judge]

I've come to the conclusion that rationing my social contacts in general plus being self-employed have greatly reduced the social anxiety/nervousness I have felt in the past.

Although the other day when I had to renew my lease I seemed nervous for some reason. I suppose because the meeting had been postponed twice before, and I just wanted to get it over with. I did have one holdup to it all, as the new corporate owners want more insurance paperwork than the last one did.

I never really feel particularly comfortable interacting with anyone who potentially holds some kind of control over me. Probably never will...

 

[RaphaPower]

My social anxiety is so high that I'm afraid of being kicked from this forum. Yes that's right, I'm so bad I'm waiting for the time when my aspie-ness is so bad I'm worried that even other aspies will find me so socially awkward that they kick me out.

To be fair though I have a few bad experiences with being rejected socially in my life. Like I'm sure every aspie does. But I'm getting really bad with it.

Anyone have an ideas on how I might be able to reduce this? I have to try and find a job as my husband's wage is not sufficient for us to live without me working. After my last experience working the thought of having to get another job petrifies me. And this social anxiety doesn't help.

I understand how you feel. Being a guy who's about to turn 19 it kinda scared me I'm going to have to do all that. I wish i could help you but im figuring all that out myself.

 

[Suzanne]

I have chronic social phobia but there was a time, that it was worse and had the internet been around when I was at my worst stage, I would not even dare to be online because I would be thinking: I wouldn't want others to have to cope with me!

I could not even cope with someone sitting next to me, for I would not dare to breath, wondering why they were sitting next to me!

In that respect, I am tons better (lol obviously) but since moving to France, I am lost with being social phobic and can no longer fight against it! I try to not think of it too deeply, otherwise I will burst into tears, with how ashamed I feel.

I cannot go into a shop by myself. My husband is pretty marvelous and used to my strange ways, and is good enough to say: do you need the toilet and comes with me ( not in to the toilet though; think he would be asked to leave)

I find it hard to describe, other than that I feel like a little girl who is afraid of her own shadow and since, I am soon to be 45 and a married woman, that hardly is the case! I still see through a child's eyes and that is bloody frightening!

Realistically speaking, I should go out to work too, but because of where we live and I do not drive, I don't, but actually, I would love a little job, just to feel proud that I am contributing something! What is amazing and I would never have thought it, but we moved recently (horrible) and our new home is in both our names, and that actually, makes me feel pretty good!

I have been using the internet for some years, and used to Yahoo Answers and Facebook but once in a while, my "not worthy" kicks in and especially when I see I am the only answer and feel sorry for the asker lol

Now I am at the stage when I feel pride when someone likes what I say and I keep getting notices to say that I have been awarded a trophy that those make my heart glow!

 

[radasp]

Your social phobia could be the result of ANXIETY which is extremely common in Asperger individuals. Anxiety is physical and can be controlled with a mild tranquilizer. Reduce the anxiety and you can function better. I'm not a doctor giving advice: I'm relating my own successful experience.