"I don't want to hear it"

[Raggamuffin]

What was the last topic you were repeatedly going over to someone when they asked you to stop repeating yourself? And who was it?

My partner said this to me earlier today when I was going over my financial plans. Admittedly I do this multiple times a day, even though I've known it off by heart for years. I constantly make new spreadsheets and lists even though it has the same information in it.

When I heard her say this I felt a little deflated. Not because she was upset or I'd felt insulted; it was because I couldn't fathom why she wouldn't want to hear me go through it all again (for the hundredth time).

Ed

 

[Faloola]

I've been told "you're too sensitive" as long as I can remember. I've had quite a few negative emotions while interacting with people over my lifetime. One thing I learned very recently that has helped me a LOT is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

More specifically, it taught me to add a buffer between people's actions, words, etc. that precipitated negative emotions in me and diffusing the negative effects on my mood, emotions, etc. Frequently my "go to" negative feeling is "I'm unlovable".

I've practiced it most with people who I know care about me. The buffer is stopping to ask myself, "do you really think/believe [this person] doesn't love me or did ____ to make me feel [negative emotion]?" The only answer I've come back with is "no, I know [this person] loves me" and did not intend to precipitate negative emotions in me.

Adding this step has diffused so many negative emotions that literally would precipitate me feeling negative emotions for hours/days.

I'm going to add an example for anyone like me who does better with examples...
For example, my significant other and I were sitting in the living room about 4 feet apart. I said something to him and there was no response. I said it again with no response. I felt disrespected, ignored, unimportant. Then I asked myself if I really thought he meant to precipitate those emotions. The answer was "no". A few minutes later I realized he had an earbud in his ear that I couldn't see. So, adding this buffer saved me a few minutes or hours of suffering and feeling down about myself.

Along the same lines as this, I also question whether or not I believe that they intended to trigger these negative feelings. When the answer is that I don't believe they intended to, that relieves me of those ugly feelings.

I hope this helps.

Note: I feel a little uncomfortable with the length of this entry, but I think that every part is important to convey my thoughts. My true intention is to help. This is where I would normally apologize, but I'm not. This is just how I am.

 

[Rasputin]

What was the last topic you were repeatedly going over to someone when they asked you to stop repeating yourself? And who was it?

My partner said this to me earlier today when I was going over my financial plans. Admittedly I do this multiple times a day, even though I've known it off by heart for years. I constantly make new spreadsheets and lists even though it has the same information in it.

When I heard her say this I felt a little deflated. Not because she was upset or I'd felt insulted; it was because I couldn't fathom why she wouldn't want to hear me go through it all again (for the hundredth time).

Ed

My wife is the only one who tells me this. The last time was yesterday arguing about a shirt that I want to wear. I also like spreadsheets and lists by the way. She always gets angry and says, "Stop repeating yourself." Many times when this happens I am not even aware I am repeating myself.

 

[Ken S.]

My wife is the only one who tells me this. The last time was yesterday arguing about a shirt that I want to wear. I also like spreadsheets and lists by the way. She always gets angry and says, "Stop repeating yourself." Many times when this happens I am not even aware I am repeating myself.

Same here only mine says it without anger most of the time. I just remind her that she is as guilty of it as I am. Repeating oneself is not an exclusively aspie trait. I think every person I have ever met does this.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Funny thing is, even though I repeat the same topics multiple times a day - when I hear someone repeat something just once, I'm immediately frustrated and can't wait for the topic to change. I suppose the title of this post relates just as much to my own mindset as other people's.

I'm not sure where the frustration is coming from. I have a similar feeling of impatience if someone is talking about a topic or event that I already know about. My way of countering the internal unease is to force myself into a state of not really listening. I've seen people lose interest in topics I repeat too - or at least I assume they are as they don't reply much or add anything to the (one sided) discussion. I guess it's a fairly common practice to drift off. I do it all the time if I'm stuck in a long meeting.

I feel like I'm often talking at someone, or they're doing the same to me. Neither feels very fulfilling. Unless I'm in a jokey mood, in which case the back and forth between me and a friend is mutual and beneficial.

Normally being talked at and not really taking much in is something I do without thinking, but sometimes, to soothe negative emotions I have to switch off.

These aren't very positive traits to have. It feels a little odd describing them in such detail. On 15th I'm starting therapy sessions again. I'll be discussing what I have learned and shared on this forum and articles I've read on Asperger's.

Ed

 

[Ken S.]

Here is something my wife and I did on our own to improve our understanding of each other's problems basically "Walking a mile in each others shoes".
I gave her a list of web sites on autism and I researched her problems including exclusively female ones so we could help each other in our "darkest hours."
It has made our relationship much better.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'm finding I'm being more open with my partner since reading about the condition. I've read her exerts and showed her what patterns and similarities I've seen in my behaviour. I've delved into topics I've never shared with anyone before. Which is making our relationship feel a lot more special than any I've have before.

Ed

 

[Thinx]

I m kind of repeating myself now, heh heh, but I think a lot of the frustrations we experience in communication with others can be usefully related to our levels of attachment security. For NTs or NDs. If my current stage of attachment security is somewhat insecure, then I am more likely to feel impatience or frustration with others, when they don't seem to get what I mean, or say something I consider needlessly repetitive, etc. This is an ideal area to work on, in relating to a partner and to friends or workmates, and to the therapist. The suggestion from @HighFunctioningAutist above, is a useful strategy for working on this.

 

[Rasputin]

Here is something my wife and I did on our own to improve our understanding of each other's problems basically "Walking a mile in each others shoes".
I gave her a list of web sites on autism and I researched her problems including exclusively female ones so we could help each other in our "darkest hours."
It has made our relationship much better.

I am going to try this.

 

[Rasputin]

I m kind of repeating myself now, heh heh, but I think a lot of the frustrations we experience in communication with others can be usefully related to our levels of attachment security. For NTs or NDs. If my current stage of attachment security is somewhat insecure, then I am more likely to feel impatience or frustration with others, when they don't seem to get what I mean, or say something I consider needlessly repetitive, etc. This is an ideal area to work on, in relating to a partner and to friends or workmates, and to the therapist. The suggestion from @HighFunctioningAutist above, is a useful strategy for working on this.

I am starting CBT on Tuesday. I don't know what to expect, but am open-minded.

 

[Rasputin]

I've been told "you're too sensitive" as long as I can remember. I've had quite a few negative emotions while interacting with people over my lifetime. One thing I learned very recently that has helped me a LOT is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

More specifically, it taught me to add a buffer between people's actions, words, etc. that precipitated negative emotions in me and diffusing the negative effects on my mood, emotions, etc. Frequently my "go to" negative feeling is "I'm unlovable".

I've practiced it most with people who I know care about me. The buffer is stopping to ask myself, "do you really think/believe [this person] doesn't love me or did ____ to make me feel [negative emotion]?" The only answer I've come back with is "no, I know [this person] loves me" and did not intend to precipitate negative emotions in me.

Adding this step has diffused so many negative emotions that literally would precipitate me feeling negative emotions for hours/days.

I'm going to add an example for anyone like me who does better with examples...
For example, my significant other and I were sitting in the living room about 4 feet apart. I said something to him and there was no response. I said it again with no response. I felt disrespected, ignored, unimportant. Then I asked myself if I really thought he meant to precipitate those emotions. The answer was "no". A few minutes later I realized he had an earbud in his ear that I couldn't see. So, adding this buffer saved me a few minutes or hours of suffering and feeling down about myself.

Along the same lines as this, I also question whether or not I believe that they intended to trigger these negative feelings. When the answer is that I don't believe they intended to, that relieves me of those ugly feelings.

I hope this helps.

Note: I feel a little uncomfortable with the length of this entry, but I think that every part is important to convey my thoughts. My true intention is to help. This is where I would normally apologize, but I'm not. This is just how I am.

I am starting CBT this Tuesday.

 

[Raggamuffin]

It's a very logical approach to certain conditions. Breaking down unhelpful and negative thought processes. Understanding why they occur and how to counteract them etc.

I found it helpful, the 2 times I had it. Although I did find it took a while to put things into practice and years later I find now and then I slip into bad habits. But practice makes perfect I suppose.

Ed

 

[Faloola]

One thing I learned very recently that has helped me a LOT is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

Most days I really, really don't want to do a lot of the things that will make my life better. There are some things I'm willing to do because I'm tired of being miserable.

I do have to add...since I've been willing to practice this part of CBT I've had more calm inside. The ironic thing is years ago a therapist tried to get me into CBT, but I resisted probably because I knew better . I wish I didn't have to learn some things the hard way.

C’est la vie.

 

[Major Tom]

I say this all the time to myself actually. Usually when people are talking about suicide. I had a good friend in Pakistan kill himself with his service rifle and I have a hard time listening to others who are suicidal because it brings back all those memories to the surface.