I ditched someone I have feelings for. Did I do the right thing?

[ayoungaspie]

Hey everyone,
I posted here a while back about a girl in my life and I got some helpful responses from you guys. (See here: What should I do about this girl?) To cut a long story short I was close to this girl at college (at the time she had a boyfriend) and we have had on-off contact since we left about a year ago. It's worth mentioning she has learning difficulties and a troubled childhood behind her which means she is quite immature, needy and jumps from one relationship to the next. But nevertheless I have developed feelings for her which I have pretty much bottled up ever since college. At times I have been distracted from these feelings but other times I have been totally obsessed.

She has just come out of a relationship of 4 months with a guy who ended her. In the time leading up to this I became close to her again after speaking to her a lot on the phone (because we hadn't seen each other in ages). She seemed very keen to meet up with me again but the vibe I got is that she doesn't see me as boyfriend material for whatever reason. After the break-up I tried my best to support her and be there for her while at the same time continuing to hide my own feelings.

A week or so later she got talking to this other guy online who lives tens of miles away (whereas me and her live within several miles of each other), and from posts on social media I could tell they were getting flirty and that he was probably going to be her "next man", even though you could say she is on the rebound. She even told me about him and spoke to me as if totally unaware that I don't have a romantic interest in her, which is so frustrating and it made me feel so disqualified that she was talking to me a lot before and clearly doesn't see me as potentially more than a friend.

Unfortunately this was the last straw for me because every time I am close to her I am always obsessed and every time I open up social media I'm anxious to see what she's done next, forever in hope that one day I'll have a chance with her, as daft as that sounds. The obsession with her really started to affect my quality of life and as an Aspie I just couldn't cope anymore so I removed her from all social media and left her a voice message admitting my feelings and told her we can't talk any more. I didn't block her number so she could have responded but didn't. Afterwards I am relieved in a way because I feel I've taken control of an obsession that was ruining me, however I do feel bad for ditching her because we even had plans but she probably thinks I've let her down as a friend now. I guess that what's done is done and one way or another our friendship won't be the same again, and that any small chance of being with her in the future has now been made 0 by my actions.

Thanks for reading. What do you think? Did I make the right decision? Should I let her go for good or think about contacting her again in the future?

 

[ksheehan88]

Hey everyone,
I posted here a while back about a girl in my life and I got some helpful responses from you guys. (See here: What should I do about this girl?) To cut a long story short I was close to this girl at college (at the time she had a boyfriend) and we have had on-off contact since we left about a year ago. It's worth mentioning she has learning difficulties and a troubled childhood behind her which means she is quite immature, needy and jumps from one relationship to the next. But nevertheless I have developed feelings for her which I have pretty much bottled up ever since college. At times I have been distracted from these feelings but other times I have been totally obsessed.

She has just come out of a relationship of 4 months with a guy who ended her. In the time leading up to this I became close to her again after speaking to her a lot on the phone (because we hadn't seen each other in ages). She seemed very keen to meet up with me again but the vibe I got is that she doesn't see me as boyfriend material for whatever reason. After the break-up I tried my best to support her and be there for her while at the same time continuing to hide my own feelings.

A week or so later she got talking to this other guy online who lives tens of miles away (whereas me and her live within several miles of each other), and from posts on social media I could tell they were getting flirty and that he was probably going to be her "next man", even though you could say she is on the rebound. She even told me about him and spoke to me as if totally unaware that I don't have a romantic interest in her, which is so frustrating and it made me feel so disqualified that she was talking to me a lot before and clearly doesn't see me as potentially more than a friend.

Unfortunately this was the last straw for me because every time I am close to her I am always obsessed and every time I open up social media I'm anxious to see what she's done next, forever in hope that one day I'll have a chance with her, as daft as that sounds. The obsession with her really started to affect my quality of life and as an Aspie I just couldn't cope anymore so I removed her from all social media and left her a voice message admitting my feelings and told her we can't talk any more. I didn't block her number so she could have responded but didn't. Afterwards I am relieved in a way because I feel I've taken control of an obsession that was ruining me, however I do feel bad for ditching her because we even had plans but she probably thinks I've let her down as a friend now. I guess that what's done is done and one way or another our friendship won't be the same again, and that any small chance of being with her in the future has now been made 0 by my actions.

Thanks for reading. What do you think? Did I make the right decision? Should I let her go for good or think about contacting her again in the future?

I think if you struggle to control your obsession, this may be the best thing for you, and for her int he long run.

I have an obsessional personality too, and I've never managed to control it like you have, so kudos to you.

 

[Danny 74]

Plenty more fish in the sea bruvver.....!

 

[WereBear]

You did the right thing. I have found that true love is usually... easy.

All that mayhem and torment is to make the movie longer. When we really click with a person, and both of us want to make the other happy... that's when the magic happens.

 

[Judge]

Did I make the right decision? Should I let her go for good or think about contacting her again in the future?

Of course. And yes, don't look back. She'd just break your heart, otherwise.

And you already know that.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thanks guys, good to know others agree with what I did.

I guess at the moment I'm feeling quite down because it's still sinking in and I feel that I've lost the friendship with her. It's true that you don't know what you have until it's gone sometimes.

 

[paloftoon]

You have to do you. I had to do something similar in a bad situation I created. In my case, a big community of people despise me. I still feel embarrassed and ashamed about the whole situation and how socially inept I was. Being socially inept, among many other things that were implied from all of that, is not attractive at all. If I was on the other side, I may've felt similar. I can only try to become a better person from it all, and I'm too functionable and intelligent not to.
I wish I could apologize and explain in-person, and be believed that I would never react so inappropriately again, but the scars are permanent and I am in a situation where I cannot initiate any normal contact. (The only exception is if I find someone's wallet or something like that. Even then, I'd be trying to keep my distance feasibly and stay professional.)

Similar will probably be true for you too.

 

[ayoungaspie]

An update on this for anyone interested.

The girl seemed to miss my friendship and after a few weeks sought me out by contacting a friend of mine. My friend attempted to play the wingman and suggested she gives me a try (in a romantic fashion) but she said it's hard for her when she's still in love with her ex, who is in prison. She also told him that she never had the feels for me although added "but you never know", which is a mixed signal if I ever heard one...

Anyway she did end up contacting me directly and initially was mad with me for leaving her at a time when she needed support, but now we're back on as friends. It seems as though I'm back exactly where I was before I dropped contact with her although she now of course knows about my desire for more than friendship with her. I guess I'm trying not to let obsession get the better of me again. We have now met up in person though which is a plus point.

 

[Bolletje]

I hope you're careful. She will hurt you if you let her. Probably not intentionally, but she'll hurt you nonetheless.

 

[ayoungaspie]

I hope you're careful. She will hurt you if you let her. Probably not intentionally, but she'll hurt you nonetheless.

I hear what you're saying but at the moment I'm not sure how I can protect myself from getting hurt, because if she reunites with her ex then I'm going to be hurt in any case. That is inevitable. The fact is that as long as I'm her friend there's always going to be this ray of hope that continues to add fuel to my obsession.

 

[WereBear]

I hear what you're saying but at the moment I'm not sure how I can protect myself from getting hurt, because if she reunites with her ex then I'm going to be hurt in any case. That is inevitable. The fact is that as long as I'm her friend there's always going to be this ray of hope that continues to add fuel to my obsession.

She going to reunite with her Ex.

she said it's hard for her when she's still in love with her ex, who is in prison

Unless this is a movie (or a rather rare real-life case) of "she's fighting for his innocence" her ex is not a good person. Yet, she still "loves" him. This is a very bad sign of what she is looking for in a relationship. In fact, people who get involved with prison inmates have a strong tendency to stick with such relationships because it is the right combination of distance and specialness. Prison inmates are dependent on their mates on the outside to take care of them; and so, they have a tendency to treat their mates much better than they do when NOT imprisoned.

The person knows where the love interest is at all times... and in the case of straight men and women, they know they aren't getting much, if any, opposite sex contact. For someone who has been having no luck with more balanced relationships, this can seem like the answer!

She has run through several romances during your friendship so it seems to me she doesn't see you that way. I do understand you find being her friend tormenting because it is hard for you to get over your crush as she breaks up with people and then finds someone new who is not you.

Concentrate on getting over your crush if you wish to continue the friendship. Remember, a crush is about creating a fantasy about how wonderful and well-matched a person might be as a relationship. If the reality does not match the fantasy, recognizing the difference will help a lot in letting that dream go.

 

[BirdsNest]

I hope you're careful. She will hurt you if you let her. Probably not intentionally, but she'll hurt you nonetheless.

People always hurt each other, its inevitable in close relationships.

She going to reunite with her Ex.

Unless this is a movie (or a rather rare real-life case) of "she's fighting for his innocence" her ex is not a good person. Yet, she still "loves" him. This is a very bad sign of what she is looking for in a relationship.

You don't know they will get back together.
Also you don't know why we went to prison.
He could have been framed. Friend of mine went to prison for something he didn't do.

Anyway not everything that is illegal is immoral. You can do legal things that are really awful, and some things that are illegal do not harm anybody.

It sounds like she could be interested if you play your cards right.

Maybe take her out and do something romantic? Reframe the relationship a bit.

Ask her what she thinks is a romantic date because you'd like to take her on one.

 

[Bolletje]

People always hurt each other, its inevitable in close relationships.

Yes, there's always a chance of getting hurt in a close relationship, but that's hardly an argument to pursue a relationship with someone that will in all likelihood use you until something more interesting comes along.

There's a very real risk of getting injured at least once if you ride a bike regularly, doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful riding it "because getting hurt happens"

 

[BirdsNest]

Yes, there's always a chance of getting hurt in a close relationship, but that's hardly an argument to pursue a relationship with someone that will in all likelihood use you until something more interesting comes along.

There's a very real risk of getting injured at least once if you ride a bike regularly, doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful riding it "because getting hurt happens"

I agree that one ought to be careful. However, you are encouraging the OP to expect the worst. When it comes to relationships, expecting the worst can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expecting the worst constrains your thinking.

Unless you know this other person, I wouldn't hesitate to say that what you are saying is speculation.

Inquisitive optimism allows room to see the other possibilities.

 

[Keigan]

This is very simple to understand....

- she is not ready for you

- you are not ready for her

The best thing that you can do is to focus yourself upon improving who you are and what you have to offer - while also remaining and being her friend - so that when you are ready and she is ready then your worlds will connect. And if you connect with someone also in the mean time then so be it.

My point is - as you grow yourself many people will notice, if she notices then great, if some one else notices then great.

Get busy living, don't wait for anyone.

 

[WereBear]

You don't know they will get back together.
Also you don't know why we went to prison.
He could have been framed. Friend of mine went to prison for something he didn't do.

Anyway not everything that is illegal is immoral. You can do legal things that are really awful, and some things that are illegal do not harm anybody.

It sounds like she could be interested if you play your cards right.

I'm sure you mean well, but this is all assumptions based on fantasy. Nothing will get you in trouble romantically faster than falling in love with what you want things to be, instead of what is.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I agree that one ought to be careful. However, you are encouraging the OP to expect the worst. When it comes to relationships, expecting the worst can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expecting the worst constrains your thinking.

Unless you know this other person, I wouldn't hesitate to say that what you are saying is speculation.

Inquisitive optimism allows room to see the other possibilities.

Inquisitve optimism... yes... but fill in some of the optimism with
Boyfriend in prison
Saying she still loves him.

Optimism... he may not come looking for you when he gets out..

 

[WereBear]

Not to mention the most important thing about this dilemma: she has expressed no interest in a romance with the OP.

Takes at least two.

 

[Shiznown]

Dude, I didn't read the whole thing, but let me break this bs done for you. Don't even bother. If anything, kept her at a distance and literally take no interest in what she has to say. If she was dumb enough to date a criminal, unless he did a victim-less crime like smoke pot, then she isn't a classy woman. Plain and simple. The BEST you could ever hope for, is a pity lay if her and her bf are having problems and that's a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig if. Girls like this use guys as emotional support, know the guys will catch feelings and just use them to feel better about themselves. Cut her off. Tell her to piss off, or be polite if you want.

 

[Shiznown]

Not to mention the most important thing about this dilemma: she has expressed no interest in a romance with the OP.

Takes at least two.

Yet she's using him for emotional support. "Hey I know you like me, but let me tell you about the guy I'm having sex with." I can't stand women like that.