I come off as threatening in school. What should I do?

[ReadRothbard]

I'm a 17-year-old senior in High School, and today in Psychology Class we we doing surveys all hour. We picked random questions answerable on a scale on 1-10 (ex. "How much do you like summer?"). Anyway, after filling in some charts and graphs--feeling really good all-the-while (I even told this super sweet girl she was beautiful; she seemed a little creeped out, of course, since I'm a creepy person, but it made me feel good to know that she know's she's beautiful)--we came to a question on our assignment that asked what could be improved in the survey to fit the general population. I said that a more diverse study sample would be a good start, as those participating in the survey were white, middle-class, of polish and German descent, from suburbia, and Midwestern (Michigan, to be specific). After writing that down and discussing those points with my group, a female Indian-American student told me that she was not white. I told her that she was an outlier--as, of course, is correct and completely non-offensive. She, as well as myself (as I am Latino), are both statistical outliers in our mostly white suburban community. She did not seem offended at all. I thought i noticed that people were giving me dirty looks after that comment, but I assumed that I was just being paranoid or that the class was showing its usual disdain towards me. About 20 minutes later, class had ended, and this person I thought was my friend told me that he would "beat my ass" (or something of that nature) if I had said that to him (at the time, I had no idea what he was talking about). A few seconds later, and the teacher was giving me an emotionally-charged speech about the "terribly offensive" thing I had said, and that three people had threatened to "do something" if I had said that offensive comment to them (to me, I assumed that meant that they wanted to break my bones and induce unconsciousness). Now, I'm not a very cool person: I'm boring, I'm annoying, I'm a terrible conversationalist, I'm unattractive, I'm not that funny (other then some shock-value comedy), I'm weird, and I'm pretty nerdy. The only thing I've got going for me is that I'm big, muscular, and tough. I don't let anyone, not anyone, mess with me. So, at this point, I was relying on my only asset--toughness. I called out the teacher (the student who had threatened me had already left the room), asking her to explain, in my words, "what the f--k" she was talking about, while puffing out my chest (at this point "fight-or-flight" was running wild)c She had made silly points aboutme "singling her (the girl I said the supposedly offense comment to) out" and making her feel like an outsider. I explained to the teacher that she was wrong, that I was ascribing the statistical concept of an outlier (a piece of data lying outside the normal distribution) to the girl I had made the comment to. The stubborn teacher proceeded to ignore what I had said, insisting that what I said was offense. I told her that her ignorance was offending me deeply, and we parted. Meanwhile, I clenched a sharp pen between my finger while making a fist, so that any punch on my part (in self-defense against ghost boys whom wanted to hurt me) would cause crippling damage that would ensure my safety and my "toughness", as well as sending a message to other provokers. Anyway, after coming home and discussing this with my mother, she said that I came off as threatening to the teacher, and that she (the teacher) did not deserve to be cursed at. I completely disagreed. However, I began to see her point about coming off as threatening to the teacher, and I began to be troubled by that prospect. What if I've been hurting people all this time at school by threatening them, and I don't even know? I'm certainly not trying to threaten anyone; I'm only trying to come off as tough and someone you don't want to mess with (which has generally succeeded). I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings; I just want to put up a barrier to protect myself from people's judgements, opinions, and disdain for me at school. If I'm not tough, I have nothing. I have no identity. I'm smart, but that's about it. Otherwise, I'm a fat, boring loser. I can't not be tough--it's all I've got! But, I might be hurting people, and I want everyone to be happy and precious! I don't know what to do about this situation at all. Tomorrow I have in-school suspension for cursing at the teacher, and I'll have time to think about what I've done, but I'm afraid that's maybe I'm the "bad guy" in this whole situation, and that there is something I can change about myself for the better. I don't know what to do; can someone please help me?

 

[Ereth]

Well, you had an eventful day, to say the least.

Your mother is right in that cursing at your teacher was not the thing to do. And the thing you did with the pen likely didn't help matters. But what this boils down to is miscommunication. You were speaking in purely statistical terms, but the people you upset probably weren't framing it that way in their minds, which is understandable. I don't think you necessarily have to "change yourself," but you should be aware that not everyone perceives information in the same way you do. You should probably work on finding a healthy outlet for your anger, too.

If I were in your place, I would apologize to your classmate and your teacher and calmly explain that, while you meant no offense, you now understand that you caused hurt, and why that happened.

We all get a case of foot-in-mouth sometimes. The best thing you can do, once you apologize and serve your suspension, is to try to use what you've learned from this experience to engage in more positive interactions in the future. You're not a "bad guy." You just didn't know how to handle a communication error. Believe me, if I had a nickel for every time that's happened to me, I'd have quite a bit of pocket money.

 

[Aspieistj]

I'm a 17-year-old senior in High School, and today in Psychology Class we we doing surveys all hour. We picked random questions answerable on a scale on 1-10 (ex. "How much do you like summer?"). Anyway, after filling in some charts and graphs--feeling really good all-the-while (I even told this super sweet girl she was beautiful; she seemed a little creeped out, of course, since I'm a creepy person, but it made me feel good to know that she know's she's beautiful)--we came to a question on our assignment that asked what could be improved in the survey to fit the general population. I said that a more diverse study sample would be a good start, as those participating in the survey were white, middle-class, of polish and German descent, from suburbia, and Midwestern (Michigan, to be specific). After writing that down and discussing those points with my group, a female Indian-American student told me that she was not white. I told her that she was an outlier--as, of course, is correct and completely non-offensive. She, as well as myself (as I am Latino), are both statistical outliers in our mostly white suburban community. She did not seem offended at all. I thought i noticed that people were giving me dirty looks after that comment, but I assumed that I was just being paranoid or that the class was showing its usual disdain towards me. About 20 minutes later, class had ended, and this person I thought was my friend told me that he would "beat my ass" (or something of that nature) if I had said that to him (at the time, I had no idea what he was talking about). A few seconds later, and the teacher was giving me an emotionally-charged speech about the "terribly offensive" thing I had said, and that three people had threatened to "do something" if I had said that offensive comment to them (to me, I assumed that meant that they wanted to break my bones and induce unconsciousness). Now, I'm not a very cool person: I'm boring, I'm annoying, I'm a terrible conversationalist, I'm unattractive, I'm not that funny (other then some shock-value comedy), I'm weird, and I'm pretty nerdy. The only thing I've got going for me is that I'm big, muscular, and tough. I don't let anyone, not anyone, mess with me. So, at this point, I was relying on my only asset--toughness. I called out the teacher (the student who had threatened me had already left the room), asking her to explain, in my words, "what the f--k" she was talking about, while puffing out my chest (at this point "fight-or-flight" was running wild)c She had made silly points aboutme "singling her (the girl I said the supposedly offense comment to) out" and making her feel like an outsider. I explained to the teacher that she was wrong, that I was ascribing the statistical concept of an outlier (a piece of data lying outside the normal distribution) to the girl I had made the comment to. The stubborn teacher proceeded to ignore what I had said, insisting that what I said was offense. I told her that her ignorance was offending me deeply, and we parted. Meanwhile, I clenched a sharp pen between my finger while making a fist, so that any punch on my part (in self-defense against ghost boys whom wanted to hurt me) would cause crippling damage that would ensure my safety and my "toughness", as well as sending a message to other provokers. Anyway, after coming home and discussing this with my mother, she said that I came off as threatening to the teacher, and that she (the teacher) did not deserve to be cursed at. I completely disagreed. However, I began to see her point about coming off as threatening to the teacher, and I began to be troubled by that prospect. What if I've been hurting people all this time at school by threatening them, and I don't even know? I'm certainly not trying to threaten anyone; I'm only trying to come off as tough and someone you don't want to mess with (which has generally succeeded). I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings; I just want to put up a barrier to protect myself from people's judgements, opinions, and disdain for me at school. If I'm not tough, I have nothing. I have no identity. I'm smart, but that's about it. Otherwise, I'm a fat, boring loser. I can't not be tough--it's all I've got! But, I might be hurting people, and I want everyone to be happy and precious! I don't know what to do about this situation at all. Tomorrow I have in-school suspension for cursing at the teacher, and I'll have time to think about what I've done, but I'm afraid that's maybe I'm the "bad guy" in this whole situation, and that there is something I can change about myself for the better. I don't know what to do; can someone please help me?

Have you been provided with any type of counseling or therapy? If not, it probably would help. IF you have had such intervention you should review whatever suggestions were made to help you. You are big and can make yourself feel physically safe. I am 5'2" ad have no such way to ward off nasty people. We are Aspies and we are DIFFERENT, and most of the general population don't like differences. We can't win by fighting; there are simply more of "them" than "us." Personally, I don't see anything wrong with your choice of words but I have learned that labels are almost always offensive. It would have gone over much better if you had said, gently, "You and I are different but we are only two in this entire class."

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I get what you're saying about the outlier thing since I'm taking statistics. Thing is, a lot of people (especially kids your age) don't know what that means and they're just focusing on the fact that you're pointing out "differences" in people and this is coming across as being prejudice. I believe the best thing right now is to apologize to the teacher while at the same time explaining where you were coming from (statistical point of view). What I would do (if it were me) is ask the teacher if a small meeting could take place between you, the teacher and these other three students who were offended so you could explain your side. Whatever you have to do to smooth things over, please do it. An apology goes a long way.

In the future, just know it is not a good idea to use cuss words in school - especially with teachers and higher ups. Once you start using those kind of words, people shut down and you always lose. You think all you have is your toughness, but when I was in school we had a few "really smart" kids and they were the ones who were popular because the other kids always went to them with their questions and wanted to "team" up with them for group work. Your smartness is going to pay off for you in college and adult life. I'd try to work on that and see where it takes you. Another thing you might try is to find an after school group that has other kids who are as intelligent as you are in a subject that interests you. That may be a good way to make some friends and have others see a different side to you. I don't think the "toughness" thing is working for you. We had a few like that in high school too, and people just steered clear of them. Whatever you decide, let us know what happens and how you're doing. I think high school is a tough time for a lot of people. I know it was for me.

 

[Turk]

The whole thing about projecting the image of someone not to be messed with is, that people often see you as threatening. Its a fine line to walk and often causes more problems than it prevents. My son had similar issues, not all that long ago. I do get the frustration issues around misinterpretation thought. It can test the patience levels, of the best of us

 

[ReadRothbard]

I tried to talk to one of the people who threatened me . I sounded outraged (on purpose, to convey how I was feeling about the situation) and I asked him what he thought an outlier was so I could explain it to him. He said he didn't care, and that I was racist. I started getting really mad; I became convinced that him and everyone else in the class were getting offended on purpose so that they could get me somehow. I started cursing at the kid who threatened me, because he wouldn't even hear me out. He threatened to shoot me. I told him that if he tried anything, I'd rip his entrails out and throw then over his face. I was trying to scare him away, because I couldn't tell the school authorities; they're against me. I had to rely on myself. The teacher started yelling at me for cursing at me. I explained that he threatened my life two days ago (when the incident happened). She said--and I kid you not--"yeah, but you cussed at him!" I couldn't believe it. I didn't have a right to try to defend myself against this potentially violent individual? I was going to apologize to the teacher and everyone else about what happened, but these people! I kept trying to explain myself to these psychos

 

[TCJ]

If I could go back and talk to myself at 17 I would tell myself to stop trying to be them. Be yourself, be proud. This lead me to self confidence (perhaps too much) and people respond to that. Be self deprecating. When you say something awkward, acknowledge it and be able to laugh at yourself. Everyone should be able to laugh at themselves. I'm telling you, I spent my childhood trying to be like them. Now I have tons of friends, I'm unique, I have a distinct personality, and I'm interesting. I believe that applies to you. I bet you are interesting. Here is the other thing. When I realized that I'm above a lot of people, I didn't look down on them but I ceased caring about what they thought. They can like you or not, that's their problem. Don't waste one second of your time trying to be someone you're not. Everybody else is a dime a dozen. You have a unique perspective, you're different, in a good way aspergers feels like super sanity. People will come around. Once you're comfortable with yourself, you'll have more self esteem, your frustrations will be lowered, and people will respond so much better to you and the more they get to know you the more they'll want to know you. Don't ever tell someone something you don't believe to "fit in" or try to "be cool" I'm 30 and the biggest thing I'd want to tell myself at 17, is being yourself is cool. Sounds lame, but I promise you will understand one day (you'll switch from trying to be them, to trying to be considerate of them so that gap in communication will always frustrate you.

I'd like anyone who thinks I gave this guy bad advice to tell me. I'm new here. I've never really looked beyond myself. Any advice I give is based off personal experience and I suppose there the possibility I've been doing it wrong, but that's my take.

 

[TCJ]

Racism is one of my obsessions. For now, just stay away from it. I know it isn't easy. Just do it. I lost a friend recently because people attach stigmas to issues and let their emotions dictate. Someone can call you a racist and people who throw that word out are not interested in rational discussion. Just say, "I'm sorry if I upset you, that was not my intention." or "I'm sorry I gave you that impression" Going tit for tat is something that either escalates a situation or creates one.

 

[TCJ]

I tried to talk to one of the people who threatened me . I sounded outraged (on purpose, to convey how I was feeling about the situation) and I asked him what he thought an outlier was so I could explain it to him. He said he didn't care, and that I was racist. I started getting really mad; I became convinced that him and everyone else in the class were getting offended on purpose so that they could get me somehow. I started cursing at the kid who threatened me, because he wouldn't even hear me out. He threatened to shoot me. I told him that if he tried anything, I'd rip his entrails out and throw then over his face. I was trying to scare him away, because I couldn't tell the school authorities; they're against me. I had to rely on myself. The teacher started yelling at me for cursing at me. I explained that he threatened my life two days ago (when the incident happened). She said--and I kid you not--"yeah, but you cussed at him!" I couldn't believe it. I didn't have a right to try to defend myself against this potentially violent individual? I was going to apologize to the teacher and everyone else about what happened, but these people! I kept trying to explain myself to these psychos

drop the anger. If someone threatens you and you feel threatened, you need to tell someone ASAP. At least to have it on record. Don't try and scare people. You're just increasing the risk of a confrontation and your making it difficult. You always have a right to defend yourself but not from and idle threat. You need to apologize to your parents. Your Parents and try and start fresh the next day. I know it is hard when no one sees it your way, but I think in this instance you need to let it go.

 

[Ereth]

For future reference, you can edit posts you've made so you don't end up double-posting.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't know the entire situation, but I take it that you graduate in a couple months since you're a senior? If its possible, it would be a good idea to transfer out of that class and get away from the teacher. I don't think the situation could get much worse and that teacher might get in the way of you graduating. Your entire focus right now should be graduating and getting out. It doesn't look like you're going to make any new friends right now - and if graduation is in a few months you don't have the time. That really didn't go well.
Hmm. If it was me, I'd try to transfer and (since face to face explanations aren't your thing) then write out an explanation to those same people (teacher included) of why you said the things you said. That way they can read the note and will understand the situation better without what they consider the problem (you) right in their face. It will also be a way for you to explain yourself (without getting angry). It's too late to transfer schools, but staying in that class doesn't look like it would be beneficial to you at all. Talk to a counselor or vice principal or the principal to see what your options are ASAP. You don't want to get yourself suspended or worse. Keep to yourself so that way you're less likely to get into any confrontations with other students. You have two months left to get through. Focus on graduating.

 

[Ereth]

I really don't think the situation is serious enough to warrant a transfer. He just needs to apologize to the appropriate parties and move on.

 

[TCJ]

I really don't think the situation is serious enough to warrant a transfer. He just needs to apologize to the appropriate parties and move on.

Ditto

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Ditto

He already tried apologizing and it got him no where. Now he's expected to go back into a wolves den. How will he be able to be productive in his studies when it's pretty clear that they don't want him there? I couldn't do it. The teacher doesn't even sound willing to listen.

EDIT: I'm confused. Has he even tried to apologize yet? Or is his second entry about the same incident? (I need coffee.)

 

[GallacticGorilla]

Ahhh - I remember ISS. It was like "kid jail" . ha. Im sorry to hear that.

 

[TCJ]

He already tried apologizing and it got him no where. Now he's expected to go back into a wolves den. How will he be able to be productive in his studies when it's pretty clear that they don't want him there? I couldn't do it. The teacher doesn't even sound willing to listen.

EDIT: I'm confused. Has he even tried to apologize yet? Or is his second entry about the same incident? (I need coffee.)

I don't know, but standing in front of people you may be ashamed to is helpful. You have to have that thick skin. Secondly, race bullies are slime and you don't run from them and you stand for what you believe in. Transferring gives them the satisfaction. The way I cope and having spent this entire day combing through tons of threads, seems like I got a good system going here. Self esteem is so important. This kid needs to know that your self worth has jack **** to do with what these morons think. He's better than them. He reasoned with logic and for something that was absolutely no big deal branded him a racist. Cursing and being the tough guy doesn't help. That's the frustration mounting and then it just pops off. I a haven't slept in 40 plus hours. Gotta go. Apologizing and walking right back in there with dignity is the play. My 2 cents

 

[Ereth]

He already tried apologizing and it got him no where. Now he's expected to go back into a wolves den. How will he be able to be productive in his studies when it's pretty clear that they don't want him there? I couldn't do it. The teacher doesn't even sound willing to listen.

EDIT: I'm confused. Has he even tried to apologize yet? Or is his second entry about the same incident? (I need coffee.)

No, you're right. He has tried to apologize---but it really doesn't count as an apology anymore when you try to apologize and then fall back on threats like "I'm going to rip your entrails out."

To the OP: Even though the person in question refused to hear you out and threatened to shoot you, escalating the situation by responding with physical threats of your own does nothing to make your case in a credible way. Any progress you might have made by talking to the teacher has gone out the window. I'm concerned that this teacher couldn't see the other kid's threat for what it was, and I understand why you got angry, but you absolutely must get control of your temper.

I also want to apologize for apparently misreading your post---if I hadn't, I wouldn't have said the situation wasn't serious enough to request a transfer. I conflated the second encounter with the first. I am truly sorry. I am not writing off the situation. I promise. (I've had a very stressful week and I guess my mind blanked out for a second. This is what I meant when I talked about communication errors? I just made one myself. )

I still don't think transferring will necessarily do anything to remedy the root causes of this problem. You're graduating soon, and as long as you don't bring up the issue with anyone in class again outside of a meeting in the counselor's or principal's office, I think you may be okay. I don't know if uprooting yourself from a familiar environment would do much for you at this stage. But this is something you'll want to discuss with the school counselor.

And for heaven's sake, please, please, please get some anger management therapy. There's a huge difference between being tough and being outright abusive. I know the kids in your class said similar things, but you need to learn how to handle these kinds of situations without exploding. It's not worth fighting over. At least one of you needs to learn be mature enough to recognize this.

If you attempt to apologize again, do so in the presence of the counselor.

 

[TCJ]

Bingo. You nailed it. Escalating is always to your detriment. It isn't fair but that's the reality. Life isn't fair but that isn't exclusive to people with aspergers. I still go through this with my mother but she's effin crazy. Other people, who cares? If they're behaving like this, and teenagers do. It is best to be the bigger person. I need to practice what I preach but you'll never win a tit for tat with unreasonable people. Just judging by the situation. The frustration of having not done anything wrong and taking the heat lead to him doing something "wrong"

It's that frustration that's the worst but I've learned, and recently, it just isn't worth it. Not worth the frustration and regret that follows.

 

[Salmongirl17]

I have learned to try not to do this sort of thing in class. Actually, what you(ReadRothbard) said used to happen to me all of the time!

Me, being only 13 and in middle school, I have experienced these mainly in elementary school, like back in second or third grade. The stories, I really do not wish to speak of, as I was an idiot. Let's just say that if I had been a year or two older, had understood what "it" meant, and/or had not been diagnosed, I could've been suspended, or far worse!

I learned that people take pretty much everything "wrongly"(AKA inappropriately). Remember that I am in a preteen-teenage environment. If I think something is questionable, then I won't say it. Problem solved, right? Wrong.

I still blurt out random stuff, but I really really REALLY try not to. It's a very good way to lose friends, which is bad if you don't have very many in the first place. The people you offended will probably never really understand what you meant to say; "congrats, I've made an enemy of someone again." You're not just gonna say to some random person: "huh I got aspergers... Oh, yeah it's this autism-like thing... No, I'm not mental... IM NOT."

I hate misunderstandings.

 

[Spinosaurus kin]

I'm a 17-year-old senior in High School, and today in Psychology Class we we doing surveys all hour. We picked random questions answerable on a scale on 1-10 (ex. "How much do you like summer?"). Anyway, after filling in some charts and graphs--feeling really good all-the-while (I even told this super sweet girl she was beautiful; she seemed a little creeped out, of course, since I'm a creepy person, but it made me feel good to know that she know's she's beautiful)--we came to a question on our assignment that asked what could be improved in the survey to fit the general population. I said that a more diverse study sample would be a good start, as those participating in the survey were white, middle-class, of polish and German descent, from suburbia, and Midwestern (Michigan, to be specific). After writing that down and discussing those points with my group, a female Indian-American student told me that she was not white. I told her that she was an outlier--as, of course, is correct and completely non-offensive. She, as well as myself (as I am Latino), are both statistical outliers in our mostly white suburban community. She did not seem offended at all. I thought i noticed that people were giving me dirty looks after that comment, but I assumed that I was just being paranoid or that the class was showing its usual disdain towards me. About 20 minutes later, class had ended, and this person I thought was my friend told me that he would "beat my ass" (or something of that nature) if I had said that to him (at the time, I had no idea what he was talking about). A few seconds later, and the teacher was giving me an emotionally-charged speech about the "terribly offensive" thing I had said, and that three people had threatened to "do something" if I had said that offensive comment to them (to me, I assumed that meant that they wanted to break my bones and induce unconsciousness). Now, I'm not a very cool person: I'm boring, I'm annoying, I'm a terrible conversationalist, I'm unattractive, I'm not that funny (other then some shock-value comedy), I'm weird, and I'm pretty nerdy. The only thing I've got going for me is that I'm big, muscular, and tough. I don't let anyone, not anyone, mess with me. So, at this point, I was relying on my only asset--toughness. I called out the teacher (the student who had threatened me had already left the room), asking her to explain, in my words, "what the f--k" she was talking about, while puffing out my chest (at this point "fight-or-flight" was running wild)c She had made silly points aboutme "singling her (the girl I said the supposedly offense comment to) out" and making her feel like an outsider. I explained to the teacher that she was wrong, that I was ascribing the statistical concept of an outlier (a piece of data lying outside the normal distribution) to the girl I had made the comment to. The stubborn teacher proceeded to ignore what I had said, insisting that what I said was offense. I told her that her ignorance was offending me deeply, and we parted. Meanwhile, I clenched a sharp pen between my finger while making a fist, so that any punch on my part (in self-defense against ghost boys whom wanted to hurt me) would cause crippling damage that would ensure my safety and my "toughness", as well as sending a message to other provokers. Anyway, after coming home and discussing this with my mother, she said that I came off as threatening to the teacher, and that she (the teacher) did not deserve to be cursed at. I completely disagreed. However, I began to see her point about coming off as threatening to the teacher, and I began to be troubled by that prospect. What if I've been hurting people all this time at school by threatening them, and I don't even know? I'm certainly not trying to threaten anyone; I'm only trying to come off as tough and someone you don't want to mess with (which has generally succeeded). I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings; I just want to put up a barrier to protect myself from people's judgements, opinions, and disdain for me at school. If I'm not tough, I have nothing. I have no identity. I'm smart, but that's about it. Otherwise, I'm a fat, boring loser. I can't not be tough--it's all I've got! But, I might be hurting people, and I want everyone to be happy and precious! I don't know what to do about this situation at all. Tomorrow I have in-school suspension for cursing at the teacher, and I'll have time to think about what I've done, but I'm afraid that's maybe I'm the "bad guy" in this whole situation, and that there is something I can change about myself for the better. I don't know what to do; can someone please help me?

I understand what you mean. People these days are so sensitive to "being offended" and it grinds my gears. I'm offended by that, and if there is any word that needs to be banned it is bloody offended. It's a complete joke.
I know why they felt the way they did, but it was totally unjustified, and it seems the system has destroyed justice once again.
Not sure about any advice in this situation, just remember, you are NOT the bad guy in this situation.