Feldwebel Knispel
Active Member
I've run out of depression medication so I've been in the worst of moods for the past few days. That's why I'm just here to vent about what's going on, I guess. So my parents divorced when I was about thirteen. I won't go into what specifically happened but it was ugly. So I became depressed about that and several other things (mainly being frustrated with rejection by the opposite sex and social situations). In 9th grade, I had a crush on a girl and she found this out and was mean to me virtually the entire year. She called me names, yelled at me all the time, and made fun of me constantly (including telling me things like I make her want to cut herself).
I was even more depressed after that and the summer before 10th grade started, I met a girl on a penpal site that lived in another state and me and her got along really well. We were both into rock music and cars and video games and things like that. Then we stopped talking before the school year started. A few months later we talk again, and then we stop talking again because her parents found out and didn't want us talking. So that really messed things up and I very hurt and angry about it because for once I actually felt wanted and understood and accepted by somebody and now shes gone.
11th grade went a little bit better, though once again I still experienced very harsh rejections no matter what I seemed to be able to do. In 11th grade, I was diagnosed with ASD before my 17th birthday (I'm 19 now). Come senior year, I move to a new school and things were all right I guess, though the girl thing was still a problem and one of my best friends that lived in Sweden stopped talking to me before school started because I was a Christian at the time and I told her I disagreed with gay marriage (in the most kind and diplomatic way I could have).
So the girl that lived in another state started talking to me again shortly before I graduated. And she turned into a total *****. She became very cold toward me and later on told me that I deserve to be harassed for my political views and called me an asshole. I had (well still have) very far-right wing views at the time and was being called a racist, Nazi, every name under the sun...).
After I graduated, I moved to another state and had a hard time adjusting. So, I was very homesick and suicidal because I wanted move back to my home state and be with my old friends and all that. Then come my first day of college, I saw a cute girl sitting in the cafeteria and I (foolishly) decided to read PUA material and tried it on her. I talked to her for a bit and asked for her number and it resulted in her asking for mine so I couldn't contact her. This same girl shows up in my English class the following semester and I try to follow her on Instagram thinking she was over the phone number thing but she denied my request. Things like that were a fairly common occurrence. I would try to talk to a girl I found attractive and they would totally shoot me down or just not want to talk which didn't help my confidence. This constant rejection is still going on now no matter what I try to do which is frustrating and depressing me even more. I've tried talking to girls in person, I've tried dating apps, nothing ****ing works!
Then while all that has been going on, I haven't had a good relationship with my mother. My mother is very selfish and manipulative. If I don't do something she wants or if I don't feel like coming to see her she will accuse my father and stepmom of brainwashing me against her. She has also told me to get over being depressed (in spite of being depressed herself by her own admission) and said that I don't need help for depression or my autism because she raised me to be strong.
I've been told that I need to love myself and develop myself but my main interest is politics and history (very controversial things and I have very controversial views on those things as well). I get made fun of for my political views constantly and called all sorts of names and my mother even tells me to stop pursuing my interest in politics and stop talking about it and she (like numerous other people...) gave me a hard time for being Hispanic and a Trump supporter (people at her job were even making fun of me behind my back for that). Due to my affinity for European culture (Europe is my "obsession") and my political views (if you must know, I used to be a fascist and now identify as paleoconservative like Pat Buchanan), I ended up getting involved with a bunch of white nationalists and national socialists over Instagram and they eventually ended up making fun of me too for not being white and call me a traitor and enemy of the white race, etc for primarily being attracted to white women and not wanting to self-deport. I feel that I don't really have the thick skin to pursue my interests and my want of social acceptance kinda outweighs my beliefs and opinions, but I'm not really interested in much else.
Due to the harassment I get from other right-wingers and my admiration of Europe, I guess I have a case of ethnic dysphoria. I'm a Panamanian/Puerto Rican mestizo and wish I was a white, blonde-hair, blue-eyed Nordic guy. I also think that this is one reason that I can't date the girls I want since they usually date other whites from my observations. I apologize for the long novel, but all this is really destroying me inside and without my meds, every day feels like agony now. I don't know how to stop being needy or desperate. I just want to experience love and intimacy with somebody for once.
I was even more depressed after that and the summer before 10th grade started, I met a girl on a penpal site that lived in another state and me and her got along really well. We were both into rock music and cars and video games and things like that. Then we stopped talking before the school year started. A few months later we talk again, and then we stop talking again because her parents found out and didn't want us talking. So that really messed things up and I very hurt and angry about it because for once I actually felt wanted and understood and accepted by somebody and now shes gone.
11th grade went a little bit better, though once again I still experienced very harsh rejections no matter what I seemed to be able to do. In 11th grade, I was diagnosed with ASD before my 17th birthday (I'm 19 now). Come senior year, I move to a new school and things were all right I guess, though the girl thing was still a problem and one of my best friends that lived in Sweden stopped talking to me before school started because I was a Christian at the time and I told her I disagreed with gay marriage (in the most kind and diplomatic way I could have).
So the girl that lived in another state started talking to me again shortly before I graduated. And she turned into a total *****. She became very cold toward me and later on told me that I deserve to be harassed for my political views and called me an asshole. I had (well still have) very far-right wing views at the time and was being called a racist, Nazi, every name under the sun...).
After I graduated, I moved to another state and had a hard time adjusting. So, I was very homesick and suicidal because I wanted move back to my home state and be with my old friends and all that. Then come my first day of college, I saw a cute girl sitting in the cafeteria and I (foolishly) decided to read PUA material and tried it on her. I talked to her for a bit and asked for her number and it resulted in her asking for mine so I couldn't contact her. This same girl shows up in my English class the following semester and I try to follow her on Instagram thinking she was over the phone number thing but she denied my request. Things like that were a fairly common occurrence. I would try to talk to a girl I found attractive and they would totally shoot me down or just not want to talk which didn't help my confidence. This constant rejection is still going on now no matter what I try to do which is frustrating and depressing me even more. I've tried talking to girls in person, I've tried dating apps, nothing ****ing works!
Then while all that has been going on, I haven't had a good relationship with my mother. My mother is very selfish and manipulative. If I don't do something she wants or if I don't feel like coming to see her she will accuse my father and stepmom of brainwashing me against her. She has also told me to get over being depressed (in spite of being depressed herself by her own admission) and said that I don't need help for depression or my autism because she raised me to be strong.
I've been told that I need to love myself and develop myself but my main interest is politics and history (very controversial things and I have very controversial views on those things as well). I get made fun of for my political views constantly and called all sorts of names and my mother even tells me to stop pursuing my interest in politics and stop talking about it and she (like numerous other people...) gave me a hard time for being Hispanic and a Trump supporter (people at her job were even making fun of me behind my back for that). Due to my affinity for European culture (Europe is my "obsession") and my political views (if you must know, I used to be a fascist and now identify as paleoconservative like Pat Buchanan), I ended up getting involved with a bunch of white nationalists and national socialists over Instagram and they eventually ended up making fun of me too for not being white and call me a traitor and enemy of the white race, etc for primarily being attracted to white women and not wanting to self-deport. I feel that I don't really have the thick skin to pursue my interests and my want of social acceptance kinda outweighs my beliefs and opinions, but I'm not really interested in much else.
Due to the harassment I get from other right-wingers and my admiration of Europe, I guess I have a case of ethnic dysphoria. I'm a Panamanian/Puerto Rican mestizo and wish I was a white, blonde-hair, blue-eyed Nordic guy. I also think that this is one reason that I can't date the girls I want since they usually date other whites from my observations. I apologize for the long novel, but all this is really destroying me inside and without my meds, every day feels like agony now. I don't know how to stop being needy or desperate. I just want to experience love and intimacy with somebody for once.
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