Howdy

[Rune Fionn]

My mental health has been a big thing my whole life.
I was a koumpounophobic all the way from age 3 1/2 and have never known why.
My family has a strong history of schizophrenia and my father had a bad relationship with his mother as a result.
I am still ADD, was diagnosed very early.
Have seen a million therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, been put in hospitals a lot.
My mother was scared of schizophrenia and though she pushed to have me for ethical reasons regretted my birth once she realized my dad's side had schizophrenia.
I knew I could inherit it early but just sort of embraced it.
I have felt like an alien my whole life, like an outsider looking in, and felt alienated too.
I struggle with small talk, social cues, and used to not understand logic in general..
I am extremely sensitive and get over attached, overly emotional.. but it has kind of calmed down
I have long struggled with depression and sometime after my parents left me on my grandmother's doorstep at 15 with no explanation, I developed bad anxiety.

I call them my birth family now..
My father, brother, and aunt dont act like they want me in their lives at all.

The way they treat me, I started to realize that even if I'm not autistic, I come across that way.
They don't understand me well, and so fear me, and punish me for causing them fear.
I don't know how to live in this world all that well and despite being considerably intelligent, despite having good intentions at heart, it has only served to make people madder at me.

They call me lazy when I dissociate from a world that overwhelms me.
When I learn through play.
When I research life skills.
When I'm struggling to piece myself back together every day, and that's a job inandof itself.
When they hypocritically discourage my successes.

They call me lucky and say I have stolen something from them.
They treat me like I'm such a burden.

It's hard to make and keep eye contact, I am weird about physical touch, overly sensitive to certain sounds. I like a few hugs and snuggles and sweet kisses but that's all..
Sex is stressful to me.

Even so, I am a new mother at 35.
I have a wonderful son, and my partner is good to me.

I live in Alabama.
I'm a huge nerd.
I adore the occult so much.
I am fascinated by Celtic culture.

 

[kriss72]

Hi @Rune Fionn , sorry to hear about your struggles, you are very welcome here

 

[VictorR]

Hello.

Any relation to these folk?

 

[Neri]

Hi Rune Fionn,
I have schizophrenia in my family too, but it has shown up in my two oldest sons. The oldest one is doing well now though, without pharmaceuticals, my second oldest has ASD2-3 and schizophrenia combined, and an intellectual disability. It has been shown, through comprehensive studies of Autism and genetics that schizophrenia shows up in higher numbers in Autistic family lines.
I have a very Autism and ADHD laden family.
Congratulations on being a new mum! I have 7 children, all born before I knew I was Autistic and an AuDHDer.
I also like Celtic culture and history, among other things and esoteric and occult wisdom. I like Hermetic wisdom, Astrology, Numerology, sacred geometry, intuitive and yogic personal development and shamanic knowledge as well. I have had past life rememberances, Angelic and Spirit visitations and communications and many transcendent experiences. So you are not alone in Aspie land with those occult interests!
I also relate to the identity of being a "huge Nerd".
I am more of a "word nerd" and nature nerd, than a math or stem nerd.
Sorry for the massive info dump, oops, I got carried away!
I'm sorry for how awful your family has treated you. It sounds like you have broken the abuse cycle, though, kudos to you for that!
I hope you have adequate support. If not, this site and many youtubers are awesome sources of support.
Welcome to the site!

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome @Rune Fionn

I don't think I would have survived being left by family at 15.
You sound like you have done well and made it.
We all try to support each other here and there is a lot of information as well as various subjects.

I am another with a high interest in occult and spirit experiences.
Glad you are here. Look forward to your posts.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome, @Rune Fionn.

koumpounophobic

I learned a new word today, thank you.

 

[Hokulea]

Welcome @Rune Fionn

 

[Rune Fionn]

@Neri
Autism lines producing coinciding schizophrenia makes a lot of sense. My brother is diagnosed with Schizophrenia and Asperger's.

I love being mommy! For most of my life I told myself I'd never have kids, then something triggered that in me and I was scared it was too late. Being a mom makes the most sense out of everything in my life.

I love the Golden Dawn and that W. B. Yeats was in it and his nemesis was Crowley. XD I read some stuff from Regardie on it, was part of a ceremonial magic group a while.
I've been an animist my entire life, only recently have identified with polytheism. I love shamanism. Those so called "primitive" cultures are the most rich and inspiring I have seen..
I have past life memories.. When I was little I had dreams I was on a celestial ship.. I'm an alien to this planet, I've always felt this strongly. I have a wild reaction to heroic men being on the brink of death. It has made me cry my eyes out like I was reliving an old memory, like I knew exactly what that felt like, and if a character woke up after that, it was the most beautiful thing imaginable.
It seemingly comes out of nowhere.

Spirits are a normal everyday thing for me. Just walking around the house, I keep feeling the bottom of my shirt get tugged a little. It's like all the time. My partner has experienced it too.
I know they are a good spirit but I can't tell what they're trying to to communicate.

Im a word nerd too! I am at the point where I have to look up etymologies alongside the definitions.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I'm happy for these experiences to help me build resilience and add to my motivation to build a stronger foundation than the one I started with. I've been through a lot, it's scary my family hasn't had my back. But I think I am glad that I have been so challenged because it keeps life interesting and success is sweeter after I've fought the good fight for it.
I am already feeling much more understood, seen, appreciated here then I have felt in a long time, I am already feeling less lonely.
Thank you much for the welcome!

 

[Rune Fionn]

@SusanLR
I was more scared and confused than I've ever been but it forced me to learn about priorities, which led to me developing a solid grasp of logic, which has served me well and helped me build confidence. I have studied survivalism and it can help me cut costs as an every day application and survive in many different kinds of emergencies.
I love this place already and feel appreciated.



Thank you for welcoming me.

 

[Rune Fionn]

Hello and welcome, @Rune Fionn.


I learned a new word today, thank you.

Hi and thank you!
Sure thing!

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome. You are accepted here. Most of my life family has not been supportive. I left home at 15 voluntarily because of abuse. We just have to do the best we can with the cards we've been dealt.

 

[marc_101]

Welcome @Rune Fionn !

 

[Neri]

Welcome. You are accepted here. Most of my life family has not been supportive. I left home at 15 voluntarily because of abuse. We just have to do the best we can with the cards we've been dealt.

I left at 16, just newly16. My mum was abusive and my dad was just out of his depth. It made me stronger, in the long run, and I'm a mum because of it, but, my kid's dad was abusive too. The sad thing was being too used to abuse, and I stayed because of being a mum at 17 and not being able to ensure I could keep my kid(s) so I stayed for 20 years (he got me pregnant7 times).
Life is tough when you're family can't care for you. I'm still disadvantaged because of it, probs coz of the cPTSD and the ASD2.
But yeah, I've always done my best and I feel good about how I made the best of a tough situation.