How to potentially break through with a stubborn nt partner

[Suzanne]

My husband sort of accepts I have aspergers, but that does not make everything ok; rather he is of the notion that it is no excuse to not try and be better! He believes that I will use being an aspie to get away with things and that is not my way at all!

He has said: you are in the nt world, so get used to it; stop crying about it all.

So, when we were being amicable with each other, I said: suppose the world had more aspies in it, and less nts, wouldn't that make the nt feel an alien, since we do speak and different language? He actually and reluctantly agreed that yes, it probably would be like that. I carried it on and said: but you would not say that you have a mental problem would you? And he agreed. In fact, you would say that: your brain is wired differently? And again he agreed. Well, that is exactly how aspies feel.

I hear things on a daily basis and behaviours that make absolutely no sense to me and have a few who mock me for being an aspie. Saying things to me that I sense there is a strange undertone, but not quite knowing what it is; feel a bit dazed with the speech; only for the person to say: oh never mind, I was trying to be sarcastic with you, but it failed, didn't it? Mmm yes, of course it did, but excuse me: WHY do you NEED to be sarcastic with me, since I just said hello?!

Get this with ones joking too. Makes me feel that I am a complete idiot that I did not understand.

Also, to be told that perhaps people do not like you much, is because you go on a tangent with what ever you are talking about, but hang on, so do others and they are not aspies!

Anyway, since I can tell I am on a tangent, will stop, because it is actually a positive post lol

 

[Sylar]

I wasn't there for the conversation so I can't provide a full truth, and I understand your feelings, but it sounds like you're being more stubborn than you'd like to admit also. Your partner has a point whether you want to admit it or not.

As an example, one time I went to a carvery with my family and stood in line for some time. It turned out that you had to talk to multiple people to tell them what food you want, and even though I realised that halway into the line I still waited until it was my turn to say "screw this" and rush away to my table, leaving my empty plate on the counter.

In retrospect I know I could have asked for my food but I didn't. I felt what I felt and nothing will change that but I chose to avoid it and go where somebody else would do it for me. It wasn't a conscious decision but I still went with the option where I could not do something and still end up with food.

That's where you partner has a point. You can't help how you feel but there is no excuse for not trying to improve. I haven't acted on it in a meaningful way yet but I realised a problem and I'm taking steps to improve it. It's far easier than you might think to get carried away with how you might feel in the moment than how you will feel after, and while you might not realise it, it is possible for you to avoid situations purely because your condition will allow it without affecting the end result.

My point was that your partner might be stubborn but ignoring any valid points they might have makes you just as bad. It's not easy but it's something you have to consider.

 

[Suzanne]

I wasn't there for the conversation so I can't provide a full truth, and I understand your feelings, but it sounds like you're being more stubborn than you'd like to admit also. Your partner has a point whether you want to admit it or not.

As an example, one time I went to a carvery with my family and stood in line for some time. It turned out that you had to talk to multiple people to tell them what food you want, and even though I realised that halway into the line I still waited until it was my turn to say "screw this" and rush away to my table, leaving my empty plate on the counter.

In retrospect I know I could have asked for my food but I didn't. I felt what I felt and nothing will change that but I chose to avoid it and go where somebody else would do it for me. It wasn't a conscious decision but I still went with the option where I could not do something and still end up with food.

That's where you partner has a point. You can't help how you feel but there is no excuse for not trying to improve. I haven't acted on it in a meaningful way yet but I realised a problem and I'm taking steps to improve it. It's far easier than you might think to get carried away with how you might feel in the moment than how you will feel after, and while you might not realise it, it is possible for you to avoid situations purely because your condition will allow it without affecting the end result.

My point was that your partner might be stubborn but ignoring any valid points they might have makes you just as bad. It's not easy but it's something you have to consider.

I do not deny I can be very stubborn, but you, to be honest, COMPLETELY miss the point. Please read the heading, to know what the point was.

I have lived not knowing what on earth was "wrong" with me, since I was old enough to be aware of things and has caused untold nightmares in my marriage and finally I know what is going on. Some things I can change and have done so, but on a daily basis, I struggle and it has NOTHING to do with being stubborn.

I NEVER said that I use what is going on, to not try. Honestly, you did not read my post, to say that I have no excuse; because I CLEARLY said that it is not in me to make having aspergers as an excuse.

Are you really an aspie? Because no aspies say the things you are saying; in fact, a typical nt remark.

 

[Sylar]

I did read your post and get what you were saying. I was tired when I replied so I might not have made a clear post but I was trying to say that maybe your partner isn't the stubborn one who needs breaking through to.

I know you don't think you have it in you to use Aspergers as an excuse, and my story was to say that it can happen even if you don't realise or want it to. I never denied you have issues in certain situations, in fact I highlighted some of my own, the point was that we can only go through them so many times before we realise that we can survive or learn to deal with it in a more productive way. I wasn't saying there was no excuse for feeling the way you do, but there's no excuse for not taking steps to improve no matter how small those steps are.

If I'm still not making sense then please give more information about what you want help with because your original post made it sound like he empathises with how you feel and think differently to him and then tried to tell you you could learn to go about things in a better way. It sounds like you dismissed that like you dismissed my post for "missing the point" even though half of your post went off on a tangent listing your struggles in social situations.

So if I am still missing the point then you need to try explaining it again with more detail because I'm not sure what you need help with. He doesn't sound particularly stubborn in this case. You're the only one coming across stubborn by not attempting to take his words into account then replying comfrontationally to me when I tried to help. Yes I'm an aspie, officially diagnosed several years ago. And all aspies are different, you can't attack me because "no aspie" would say what I said because not all aspies would react in a single way. I just feel that we already have enough issues in our lives without making it even harder on ourselves, so no, there is no excuse to not try and be better. It doesn't matter if you go to therapy, try a new food, read and learn about different topics or learn a skiill, do something to break your habits even insignificantly, they're all steps to getting new experiences and dealing with things we don't like. They all help you grow and improve. My issues are social anxiety and communication related, so I try saying a few words to the postman or the person at the counter if I go to the shops, read and learn certain techniques such as sarcasm. Learn the reason behind it and the usual pattern and inflections commonly used, then you can better understand and identify that area. They're small steps but they're better than avoiding those situations all together or staying silent, at least eventually I'll get used to speaking to strangers and move up to small talk and eventually conversations.

If I'm still missing the point then go in more detail about the problem you want help with because I don't know how I can make my reply any clearer. If you don't like my answer because you don't agree with it or don't want to hear it then that's fine. But if you're going to come back with more attacks and bring my mental state under question and judgement then I'm afraid I won't continue to give this topic the time of day.

 

[Aspie_rin]

I agree, I don't know you or your partner but I also don't know in what kind of context he told you to make more efforts, and in some contexts he migth be right. I also think Sylar's answer was something an aspie would say: we do tend to try and find solution to problems instead of just relating emotionally.

Yes, you have difficulties with certain things and have some weird but harmells quirks, like we all do, and your guy might be expecting you to do things you can't or don't want to do. But there might also be things that you would be better off being able to do yourself, and he might get frustrated if you don't even try.

But really, we can't really understand what's going on if you don't elaborate...

 

[clearly]

Suzanne

From a fellow stubborn Aspie, I understand what you are saying, completely. I think you are venting and aren't really asking a specific question. Please correct me if i am wrong.

From my experience people will always react uniquely to us, depending on their knowledge and understanding of Aspergers and their ability to understand and to care. For instance my husband of thirty years completely understood me and was very, very supportive right until the day he died. He never said a negative thing to me, never ever judged me and was my true soulmate. I could be myself with him and he allowed me to live in this scary world relatively 'protected'. I think that's a good state to be in as I thrived with him.

After his death I met someone else (a sociopath, unfortunately, who took advantage of my grief and vulnerability and who was attracted to my husband's insurance money). He did his best to persuade me to have counseling in the hopes of curing my Aspies. He was at first attracted to my uniqueness (or so he said) and then was repulsed by it - he even pretended he had Aspies - he mirrored me in every way, then said he wasn't like me after our first disagreement. That he was normal.

I am not sure what my advice is, but what I want to say is don't 'lose' your identity and try not to bend too much for others. I think of my late husband when I say this as he adored my idiosyncrasies and nothing I said or did was ever a problem to him. I was accepted for what I was is what I am saying. (I am convinced he was an Aspie too but he was diagnosed, so perhaps that helped, him being just like me).

I did compromise and I did try, it wasn't all one way, but he would never put demands on me - he knew before me that he couldn't - therefore it was very easy. I think what I am saying is yes, try a bit, which you are doing, but never lose yourself or your identity, you are who you are and you can only bend so much before snapping in half.

I don't think marriage is easy for anyone, whether you are an Aspie or an NT.

Take care, I hope things work out.